Nonchalance is Your Friend

[Mark33]

okane, how old are you and how old is she?

 

do you want to wait for her all your life? is that healthy for you?

[SA2000]

From my own personal experience I can tell you that you must do NOTHING until this negative mood has passed. Your options are still open right now; they won't be if you act on a bad mood.

 

She called and texted you? That sounds pretty good! But I do understand you're now scared of getting back into a situation that could bring you more pain again. I promise you that the more upbeat and confident you are about yourself and your relationship, the far less likely your fears are to come true.

 

Hang in there. Let's have a great weekend and then decide. ;-)

 

It seems like if you pay bad attitudes attention you are validating them. If someone is mad and I respond, then I have given them the desired response. Thus they should continue to act mad when they want that response. If I act happy and agree with them I have not given them the desired response. They realize getting mad does not solve the problem and will have to find a different approach.

[Live-N-Learn]

Thanks everybody for all the encouragement. Things are definitely better between us when I act nonchalant and less fearful, needy and clingy. What a surprise right! haha Well I did end up going on a walk with her yesterday and the bridge was closed to get back and we ended up on a 3 hour walk! We laughed our butts off at how so many crazy things happen to us and how are feet hurt.

 

She then asks me if I was coming out last night with her and her friends. I said maybe. She said I will call you later. I said OK. Well she text me 3 or 4 more times in the evening and I said nothing about going out or not. Then she sent a text asking if I was coming out. I said maybe again. She then called me and pretty much said come out with us! I asked where they were going and were there going to be a lot of people cuz I was tired and did not want to be in a boring place. She called her friend and she told her the place was slow and not really happening. She then called me back and told me is was slow, so I told her no I think I will just stay home but if she wanted to go downtown instead I would meet up with her.

 

She called me back about 15 minutes later and told me she changed her mind and was going to come downtown with me and not meet up with her friends lol. So we had a blast all night! We went to the gay club and she paid attention to me all night and danced with me. Not like before where she left me standing there and ran off dancing with all the gay guys. When a gay guy came up to dance with her last night she grabbed me and took me out there with them and the 3 of us danced.

 

She ended up coming back to my house and we danced in my room til 4:30 in the morning. She is a really good dancer and was teaching me how to dance better.

 

Bottom line is this though, I think I have been possibly friendzoned. The last time we had sex was about a month ago. She spent the night last Friday and we did not have sex or kiss and just cuddled all night. Last night we just danced and did not kiss or even come close to having sex or making out. I know she is not dating anyone right now but this has not been our pattern up to the past 3 weeks or so. Usually when we end up back at my house we dance then have sex.

 

How do I find out if I have been friendzoned? Would she be calling me this much and hanging out this much if she did not have feelings for me more than just friends? Not sure if anyone can even answer that question. I think I am just asking it to myself. If she has friendzonded me that is not what I want. What should I do?

[bungalo]

You definitely don't want to be her girlFRIEND with a penis. So, it sounds like you've been totally holding back...I would have to say take it slow...and progress from the cuddling next time..(one step forward....2 steps back) until you get to kissing..I think you should do the kiss test. You'll be able to tell...if she pushes you away....there's your answer.....I wouldn't torture myself too much longer on this....

[PaleSeptember]

It seems like if you pay bad attitudes attention you are validating them. If someone is mad and I respond, then I have given them the desired response. Thus they should continue to act mad when they want that response. If I act happy and agree with them I have not given them the desired response. They realize getting mad does not solve the problem and will have to find a different approach.

 

LOL that's like when you're raising children. The hellions are the ones who learned negative behavior gets a rise out of mommy and daddy.

[CrapAtNC]

How do I find out if I have been friendzoned? Would she be calling me this much and hanging out this much if she did not have feelings for me more than just friends? Not sure if anyone can even answer that question. I think I am just asking it to myself. If she has friendzonded me that is not what I want. What should I do?

 

It's up to her, of course, whether she wants to have sex or not. But, given that you are now holding the reins, it likely she's waiting for you--her new, strong man--to initiate.

[Live-N-Learn]

It's up to her, of course, whether she wants to have sex or not. But, given that you are now holding the reins, it likely she's waiting for you--her new, strong man--to initiate.

 

I wish that was the case but she has made it clear she is not dating anyone right now. She even mentioned to me today when she called me on her way to work that this guy keeps texting her and asking her out. She said she told him I am not dating anyone and don't want to for quite a while. That is why are relationship is so confusing. We have hung out a lot over the past 3 months and had sex about 10 times. It has been more like FWB's. But the last few times we didn't even do that. She is pretty aggressive and if she wanted to have sex she would def had made a move on me. I don't want to be the one to push it cuz I am pretty sure she will pull away. Still not sure how to proceed. Just keep hanging out and hoping for the best or let it go and move on.

[SA2000]

LNL Keep cool man. She's just trying to get a response out of you by telling you about other guys. Keep doing what's working.

[CrapAtNC]

I'm not sure I understand the relevance of the dating issue. But her mentioning another guy liking her is simply to raise her attraction level in your eyes, showing you that other men find her attractive, and also that she wants to encourage you to make a move soon.

 

She is a different person now, simply because you are a different guy. The roles have reversed. Just try being more proactive--it's certainly what she would expect from the guy who has shown he can take it or leave it.

 

Somewhere on another website, your ex is posting about how her boyfriend has suddenly changed and grown into the man of her dreams, driving her wild, making her chase, pulling back at just the right times . . . but he won't initiate sex! What can she do? ;-)

 

The roles have changed--they can do that in an instant. Now play yours and see what happens.

[Live-N-Learn]

I kinda did last night when we were dancin in my room. I took my pants off and danced in my boxers and shirt. I told her to take hre shirt off and she said no. She has taken it off in the past.

 

This may not have meant anything I don't know. She has gained a little weight and does not feel good about herself right now. I think she looks great.

 

So again I really just don't know if I have been friendzoned or not.

 

Btw she tells me all the time bout guys that try to pick up on her. This is not unusual for her to do.

[Live-N-Learn]

Forgot to mention I posted some funny comments on her fb wall today along with tellin hre it wsa a blsat hangin out yestreday. She laughed, posted some stuff back along with saying it was a pleasure hanging out with my crayz friend lol

 

She may have said this cuz she really does look at us as just friends or FWB's. Or so no one would think we were dating again. Just don't know

[CrapAtNC]

And when we don't know, the best thing we can do is not concern ourselves with it. We only need these kind of answers when we're trying to decide what course of action to take, which direction to head in. But you are already on your way in the best direction, so ignore it. Keep going where you're going. The only think I think you need right now is for her to see that others find you attractive. Do not try to get her jealous. Just let her see that other women are into you.

 

You're doing great.

[Fluffy101]

Ugh, how would you manage an ex that is thoroughly enjoying his rebound relationship and really wants to tell you about it. I seldom speak to my ex (I'm kind of in NC right now), but the one time I saw him after we broke up, he started asking me questions about my sex life (which I didn't answer) and was dying to tell me all about this girl--but only after I'd told him that I'm looking and feeling better these days because I'm not unhappy any more. I started NC because I've only been moved out for six weeks (we lived together) and I think I need to stand back and wait for the honeymoon phase with this chick to end.

 

I should mention that it was a friendly split (although I got dumped) and there was no cheating or abuse of any kind. We actually had a very strong friendship, and he ended things because that's all we had become to each other. He's been with the tramp for two months now though, and seems to be quite thrilled about the whole thing.

[Mark33]

1.I am 33 years old and many times I thought... everything is over, I am too old, I will never have the chance to get another warm, loving, beautiful girlfriend 19 - 21 years old... and still after 1 more year of trying, I managed...

 

CrapAtNC, do you ever feel that you are too old, and that some girls can see you in such a way? How do you see the situation, how do you overcome the age barrier

in the easiest ways? How do you act when the girl you are on the date asks you... How old are you, why you are not married yet?

 

For me, this is a problem, and I am only 33 years but it feels that I am so old...

 

 

2.Nonchalance is good when the EX contacts you and wants to communicate with you.

Nochalance is good when you reply in attractive positive ways, not weak or negative sad ways.

 

But contact needs to be initiated by the dumpee sometimes.

The Dumpee has to FIX things and to show that he changed. How to do it?

 

Sometimes the dumpee is really at fault. He made mistakes, he was really wrong... this is my case.

 

Now ... when the dumpee regrets everything, he realized how wrong he was, and he changed a lot...

but he wants to tell it from a nonchalant position and not from a begging pleasding desperate position.

 

How to do this?

 

Thank you very much CrapAtNC

[SA2000]

Ex cancelled. I wasn't nonchalant enough. Tried to tell her that this was my only night. She didn't bite. Oh well.

[Live-N-Learn]

And when we don't know, the best thing we can do is not concern ourselves with it. We only need these kind of answers when we're trying to decide what course of action to take, which direction to head in. But you are already on your way in the best direction, so ignore it. Keep going where you're going. The only think I think you need right now is for her to see that others find you attractive. Do not try to get her jealous. Just let her see that other women are into you.

 

You're doing great.

 

I agree with you 100%. It's really nothing to spend anymore time thinking about or trying to figure out. I am on the best path and just need to continue. Whatever is going to happen will happen. We both know my best chance to get her back will be to continue this new and improved attitude. Worst case, I get to use it on the next girl.

 

I did have a girl she knows is pretty cute comment on my status yesterday and she saw it. I dated this girl for a couple of months while we were apart. Then today another girl the one I am going to hang out with in Virginia Monday on my trip wrote on my wall. I know she saw it cuz she commented today saying "I know your going out drinking with Jen in Virginia on Monday so make sure you come back with some good stories"

 

btw...she got off work about an hour ago and called me on her way home. I have the kids this weekend and can not go hang out with her tonight or Saturday night. She told me what she is doing both nights and said you better not ask me to go out Sunday night before you leave Monday. I am going to be wiped out. I know she would go out with me Sunday if I asked her but I dont' think I will.

[Live-N-Learn]

Ex cancelled. I wasn't nonchalant enough. Tried to tell her that this was my only night. She didn't bite. Oh well.

 

Sorry to hear that. Why do you think you were not Nochalant enough? What I mean is what did you say or do that makes you feel that way?

[CrapAtNC]

Ex cancelled. I wasn't nonchalant enough. Tried to tell her that this was my only night. She didn't bite. Oh well.

 

That sucks. Do you want me to have her killed?

[Live-N-Learn]

That sucks. Do you want me to have her killed?

 

haha, that ought to get him laughing. I believe I read he wanted to use that line some time. Perfect time! Hilarious

[CrapAtNC]

Ugh, how would you manage an ex that is thoroughly enjoying his rebound relationship and really wants to tell you about it.

 

Fluffy101, the exes always do this. telling us how much they LOVE this new relationship . . . and usually it ends pretty soon after. There are many reasons for them telling us (genuine happiness, pride, wanting to make us jealous, they're socially retarded, etc.), so don't even think about trying to work out why he's doing it.

 

Think up a few upbeat, funny, confident responses: "You're lucky to find a woman who doesn't think that men who talk like that are attractive," or "Wow! It sounds like the kind of relationship I've only ever dreamed of!" (meaning, yours with him wasn't that good), or "Wait! Can you speak slower. I want to start writing all these down, because they're just FASCINATING!" Basically, let him know, without having to say it directly, that his comments don't affect you but also aren't very thoughtful.

 

1. CrapAtNC, do you ever feel that you are too old, and that some girls can see you in such a way? How do you see the situation, how do you overcome the age barrier

in the easiest ways? How do you act when the girl you are on the date asks you... How old are you, why you are not married yet?

 

2.Nonchalance is good when the EX contacts you and wants to communicate with you.

Nochalance is good when you reply in attractive positive ways, not weak or negative sad ways.

 

But contact needs to be initiated by the dumpee sometimes.

The Dumpee has to FIX things and to show that he changed. How to do it?

 

Sometimes the dumpee is really at fault. He made mistakes, he was really wrong... this is my case.

 

Now ... when the dumpee regrets everything, he realized how wrong he was, and he changed a lot...

but he wants to tell it from a nonchalant position and not from a begging pleasding desperate position.

 

How to do this?

 

Thank you very much CrapAtNC

 

1. I'm in the driving seat. These things simply don't affect me. But then my girlfriends are usually in the 25 to 30 range, which is a whole lot more mature than 19 to 21. When they ask why I'm not married, I make a joke: "Because I have a fear of women who ask why I'm not married yet."

 

2. You are clearly not ready. You need more time before you initiate. You are so full of questions that, to be honest, you're showing desperation. You need to wait until it's not such a big deal. Not easy, I know, but it's the only way.

 

I agree with you 100%. It's really nothing to spend anymore time thinking about or trying to figure out. I am on the best path and just need to continue. Whatever is going to happen will happen. We both know my best chance to get her back will be to continue this new and improved attitude. Worst case, I get to use it on the next girl.

 

I did have a girl she knows is pretty cute comment on my status yesterday and she saw it. I dated this girl for a couple of months while we were apart. Then today another girl the one I am going to hang out with in Virginia Monday on my trip wrote on my wall. I know she saw it cuz she commented today saying "I know your going out drinking with Jen in Virginia on Monday so make sure you come back with some good stories"

 

btw...she got off work about an hour ago and called me on her way home. I have the kids this weekend and can not go hang out with her tonight or Saturday night. She told me what she is doing both nights and said you better not ask me to go out Sunday night before you leave Monday. I am going to be wiped out. I know she would go out with me Sunday if I asked her but I dont' think I will.

 

You're doing great then. She wants you to invite her over tonight. ;-)

 

My ex disappeared for a few days. No contact at all, as usual. Staying at the new guy's (I'm guessing). I kept myself busy going out and having fun and also working on things that I've been putting off. I also found myself a new (incredibly hot!) language exchange, as I really want to improve my language ability but my ex is obviously too busy to carry on doing that with me (even though she LOVES it).

 

I'm going deeper into NIC now. I've done what I wanted to do (spent time letting her see what a catch she was losing) and now it's time to accept her choice. We'll still hang out a little, but only a fraction of what we were before. I'm now going to be too busy. She will be affected, I know. But really I'm doing it because I don't enjoy supporting her moving on.

 

I have to visit her weekend workplace every day. She was there, of course. We've not spoken for three or four days. I talked happily with everyone else there and noticed she kept looking at me. Finally I looked at her and said "Long time no see. Look how much you've GROWN!" She laughed and responded "You look great" in front of anyone. I just gave that "I know" look. I had made sure I got lots of sleep the last two nights, exercised before going there, hair looked great, and that I was wearing a blue shirt that really highlighted my blue eyes (she LOVES my blue eyes; we live in Asia). She went onto the restaurant floor and I left before she would come back.

 

So now she must be thinking of me, that I'm happier than her, that I look great, and that I am not at all bothered by her disappearing act with the new guy. For me, I'm not even so sure I want her back. I've met some really lovely women the last week or so, and have several fun dates lined up over the next few weeks, plus an incredibly hot (and kind) language exchange. I guess I have every reason to remain nonchalant and make the best of my circumstance, which is what we should all be doing after all.

 

Have a great weekend, all!

 

 

Crap

[Mark33]

Nonchalance is excellent when the EX contacts you and wants to communicate with you.

Nochalance is excellent when you reply in attractive positive ways, not weak or negative sad ways.

 

But contact needs to be initiated by the dumpee sometimes, because the Dumpee has to FIX things

and to show that he changed. How to do it? I ask this questions because they were

not addressed before.

 

The statistics show that men commit 18 more times suicides than women, in Europe.

Many of them are unfortunately after they get dumped by their girlfriends.

It is not a pretty situation to be in, I can say that this is the hardest situation

ever in my whole life.

 

And me, the dumpee, I am really at fault. I made mistakes, I was really wrong...

And I regret, and I changed a lot in me treating her right, because I was many times

just indifferent until we broke up...

I wish to tell her all that from a nonchalant position and not from a pleading position.

How to do it? Thanks

[CrapAtNC]

Mark, you need to talk to someone. You're obsessing over your ex, and that's not healthy. The more answers you get, the more questions you have. I'm really happy to help you, but the best way I think I can help you is to suggest you talk to a professional about your feelings.

 

I felt exactly the same way you did when I lost the ex who I first came on these forums for. It wasn't until I spoke to a counselor that I was able to get my feelings in control . . . and it was when I got my feelings under control that I got my ex back. She of course was pushed away by my obsessive behaviour, and, of course, was very attracted to the new me, the one who got professional help in dealing with his feelings.

 

It's a process: you get yourself back first; then and only then can you get your ex back. You're asking me how to put icing on a cake that hasn't even been put in the oven yet.

 

I feel great now; so can you. Is there a professional you can talk to about your feelings? Do that first, and then we will have achieved the first step towards the best plan to get your ex back.

[Mark33]

The thing is that there is no such professional. Right now I went through very difficult situation but I am able to learn very fast.

And I know I can recover.

 

I was the first man in her life. I was first for her in almost everything except for the first kiss.

She said to me that I was the most important person in her life so far. She is young so feelings come and go quickly

for her, I realise that, but I beieve her feelings for me were very real. She has family values.

 

She still has feelings for me, and it is not hard to be again with her once we will meet.

I want to reattract her more, and I want to be nonchalant but also make her feel loved

like she didnt feel before.

 

How to make her feel loved?

 

CrapAtNC you do help me tremendously. I have a lot of gratitude for your help and your insights.

You have some messages and texts that you know usually they work with your exes. Like that line that you use for example.

 

Have you ever been in the position in which you were really wrong with something, and you want to apologize.

But you know that by apologizing, she will see it as a weakness and take advantage of it...

 

How to solve this?

[VinnieMarlboro]

Mark we have all been there.

 

Actions speak louder than words. If you want to show her you love her, what does she want from you right now? NOTHING - show her nothing.

Leave her alone. If as you say, she has feelings for you, she will show them when she is ready. The quickest path to this - is doing nothing.

 

The reality is - she is confused about how she feels about you right now. Give her some time and space to sort herself out. Time and absence will allow her to forget the bad and remember the good - thats human nature. Doing nothing will allow her to do this.

 

Educate yourself with positiveness - by this I mean forget about suicide rates, etc. Just a sideline here - I read this somewhere but cant remember where - You cant get her back if your dead!

Read as many posts on this forum and use other resources - re - getting YOU back. That's the most important and only way for you to get back into her life.

Read and act on what the people on this forum are saying.

 

Look at it this way - she has convicted you of a crime(not making her feel loved & whatever else) - You are now doing the time! Indefinitely!!!! She is not going to parole you unless she believes you have rehabilatated. By this I mean, until you can give her what she wants. She wants nothing right now remember - so give her nothing. When SHE ASKS for a little more, give her a little more.

 

With apologies - the bigger the transgression, the longer you should wait to apologise!

 

but I am able to learn very fast.

Mark, I would suggest you learn very fast how to do nothing.

[Fluffy101]

Fluffy101, the exes always do this. telling us how much they LOVE this new relationship . . . and usually it ends pretty soon after. There are many reasons for them telling us (genuine happiness, pride, wanting to make us jealous, they're socially retarded, etc.), so don't even think about trying to work out why he's doing it.

 

Crap

 

Oh, I see. I didn't know that it was normal to act like such a douche to your ex. Does this mean that I should contact him now-ish? Or should I wait until the bloom falls off the cheap * * * * ? I thought that it would be better to make sure he actually misses me before I reconnect, but there will be a point where he totally forgets that I exist (if he hasn't already, what with all the exciting sex and all). I guess that's not necessarily a bad thing though, since I still know where to find him if I want to. But if he were to actually commit to the bimbo, I would die a thousand deaths. Literally. That's what's killing me right now. If he actually fell in love (or some weird approximation) with the freakin' twit he's now banging, I would really be upset. Or I would think that he's mildly retarded. Whichever.