Nonchalance is Your Friend

[CrapAtNC]

I agree. Nonchalance is to get you in a better frame of mind and to create additional attraction. Now that you have stirred that up, I think you should make your move. You do need to do so in a non-needy, upbeat, confident way, though. I wouldn't ask her where you stand. I would tell her where it seems you stand. If she agrees that you're being friendzoned, just say something along the lines of it won't work--not that it won't work for you, but that it won't work. You want her (but don't need her) and respect her and her decisions, but you respect yourself, too, and don't need to be in some kind of second-place position. Tell her you agree that maybe you guys need a break, and be the one to initiate it.

 

Hopefully, though, when you state where you think you stand, it will go the opposite way, and you can say you want her and she will respond that she wants you too. Whatever happens from there, don't put her in the driving seat. You can tell her what will happen.

 

You're still doing great. Whatever happens you are in a better place than you have been in a long time. You will be fine. Everything will work out fine. It always does.

[Live-N-Learn]

In situations where an ex is sending mixed messages about getting back together I believe it is better to cut to the chase and tell them that if they want to get back together than they should say so otherwise you are going to move on and find someone else. Anything else is just blather.

 

I agree with you DN, no need to keep playing games with her. She is really sending a lot of mixed signals today. It all started a few weeks ago when I started acting nonchalant! haha It is time to find out where we are gong if anywhere.

 

I agree. Nonchalance is to get you in a better frame of mind and to create additional attraction. Now that you have stirred that up, I think you should make your move. You do need to do so in a non-needy, upbeat, confident way, though. I wouldn't ask her where you stand. I would tell her where it seems you stand. If she agrees that you're being friendzoned, just say something along the lines of it won't work--not that it won't work for you, but that it won't work. You want her (but don't need her) and respect her and her decisions, but you respect yourself, too, and don't need to be in some kind of second-place position. Tell her you agree that maybe you guys need a break, and be the one to initiate it.

 

Hopefully, though, when you state where you think you stand, it will go the opposite way, and you can say you want her and she will respond that she wants you too. Whatever happens from there, don't put her in the driving seat. You can tell her what will happen.

 

You're still doing great. Whatever happens you are in a better place than you have been in a long time. You will be fine. Everything will work out fine. It always does.

 

Crap,

 

She has really ramped up the contact and initiation ever since I started your nonchalant attitude. lol Well today has been especially crazy. She told me everything about last night and how the bartender from the club that she went to breakfast with has a girlfriend. That he is a nice guy but that's it. It was like she was trying to reassure me that she was not interested in any of them and nothing went on last night. This is not normal for her.

 

She then called me on her way home from work tonight and asked when I was flying out tomorrow and that she did not like I was leaving her for 3 days. I know it is bothering her that I am hanging with another girl tomorrow night in Virginia. She then told me she does not have her son next weekend and that we should go somewhere together. I played it cool and was very nonchalant.

 

Man this girl confuses me. Anyways, I think I need to have the talk with her. It might be the perfect time just before the trip next weekend. I will tell her I think she has friendzoned me and I have no desire to spend the night in a room with her as friends. I will wait to see what she says.

 

If she says she has friendzoned me then I will say: It won't work, not that it won't work for you, but it won't work for me. I want you as my girl but respect your decision and respect myself too and don't need to be in some kind of second-place position. I agree that maybe we need a break.

 

How does that sound? I am not sure where she said we needed a break. So why would I say I agree if she did not suggest it? Are you saying if she agrees she has friendzoned me that she is requesting a break from the relationship?

[J8415]

so when do the dreams of them stop? they seem so real then I wake up and reality sucker punches me.

[bungalo]

Hey Crap,

 

I've enjoyed reading this thread. I've gone almost 30 days NC now with her...There is a Singles Mixer next weekend that I want to go to....there is a good possibility that she'll be there. I don't want to NOT go just to avoid her. If I see her, I want to be nonchalant, and say the right thing(s). Any tips you can pass

along for me? Thanks-Bung

[mr_zanon]

so when do the dreams of them stop? they seem so real then I wake up and reality sucker punches me.

Sometimes I still dream with the one that brought me here. It's been 2 years, and I don't even have any feelings for her anymore. I think it's part of our lives...sometimes we dream of strangers, sometimes friends or family, sometimes with our spouses, sometimes with the ex.

There will be a time when it won't bother anymore...something like "another dream with her...ok. What's for breakfast?"

[Morning]

I'm so not nonchalant today.....I'm so sad today, I don't no what to do with myself, it's so hard to know that he will never come back.

I'm so mad on myself](*,)

[KateUK]

I turned a corner today... He texted asking me to talk to him and I told him there I didn't want him sharing his thought process with me, couldn't be doing with him being indecisive and toying with me and there was no point talking till he works out what he wants and gets his head in order, he either wants to be with me or he doesn't. He sent a couple back saying whatever happened, I was special and he cared and respected me very very much and also that he would be in touch when his head was straight. I think he is clear that I have had enough of fannying around - he knows where I am if he has the kahoonas to come get me.

 

I then spent a while listening to The Secret on audio book. You guys should all read it, if you haven't already... It is REALLY helping me right now - making me think positive thoughts, focus on what I want, and what I deserve and what I expect for myself.

[Yostina]

My heart goes out for you as I'm in the same situation as you

I feel good for few days, and then suddenly all turns bad bad bad...

 

Sometimes I feel like breaking all chains and just go get him! lol

I'm afraid I would do something crazy later

[Live-N-Learn]

Kate,

 

Good job standing up for youself and not putting up with this any longer. You got all your power back and as you said are now in a win-win position.

[okane24]

Advice?

 

Things have been going better with my girl... But, to be honest, I don't even if she's still my girl.

 

I believe we are, because she calls me honey and I do the same. But... I don't know for sure.

 

I started NC about 2 weeks ago and she broke it and now we're on LC.

 

Lately, I've been thinking alot about breaking up with her. But I can't find the nerve to do it.

 

I don't want this kind of relationship. I love her too much to hang on. It's complicated.

 

She hasn't told me she loved me for over two weeks. This concerns me. We used to say it to each other all the time.

 

And my jealousy is starting to come out (in my head), not to her yet. I keep thinking about all the guys shes meeting and her going out to bars and nightclubs.

 

I HATE the thought of her being with someone else.

 

The last talk we had, which was two days ago, she said she liked talking to me about her life and she liked hearing about mine and she appreciated that I was being patient with her in her difficult time.

 

She's having a hard time at school and looking for her first job.

 

I don't know what to do. I love her soo much, but I also want to set her free...

[J8415]

I then spent a while listening to The Secret on audio book. You guys should all read it, if you haven't already... It is REALLY helping me right now - making me think positive thoughts, focus on what I want, and what I deserve and what I expect for myself.

 

 

The same book is helping me through my situation. I believe everyone should read that book.

[J-L-T]

You go girl, stand your ground!

[kim1]

hey crap.

 

how is it going? So I got a text from that guy on Sat night at 3 am. I didn't answer the text but then thought if I don't speak to him at all maybe that is not nonchalant he will think i am feeling all angry and unhappy. ok and I guess I wanted more contact. So today I texted him one line 4 words that made reference to an inside joke not sexual or anything just a silly joke. So he wrote back right away with something sexual that he wanted a response to. I didn't answer and he wrote back Eddie Vedder got married over the weekend so I am getting desperate. he was making a joke bc he knows I love EV. So I ignored the first text and then answered 2nd text with He did? ...he is so awesome. And that was it. Now I am like what do I do now? I am trying to be nonchalant but this is when the nonchalance gets tested

[confused2010]

Hey guys, here's my question... I understand you shouldn't be too eager to reply to phone calls, text, but what about an iPhone game you're playing with the ex? I'm on my phone constantly, very quick with responding to everyone because that is just my nature, it doesn't matter who it is, but I have tried to hold off a bit when it comes to him. But I don't know what to think when it comes to games, when it's my turn I play pretty quickly. We sometimes exchange quick thoughts on there since there is a message board, but it's all related to the game and I try to act as though I'm playing any random person.

He's been begging me to play games on the phone with him for a while and since we started communicating again, after about 3 months of NC, I just gave into the games bc well, it keeps me entertained, not necessarily by him but just the game in general.

Does playing too quick and often have the same effects as a text/ returning a call? Thoughts?

[CrapAtNC]

Guys, I just wrote a response to everyone who asked a question, and some kind of glitch meant I lost it all. Will try again later. Oh well!

[Strife]

The road to nonchalance (at least for me) has not only been a journey of self discovery, but also a necessary one. As stated before, I live with my ex; I'll be living with her till the start of September next year, and perhaps again for another year.

 

So I haven't posted in this thread in a little while, and although things aren't developing as fast as I'd hoped, cracks are beginning to show in her once impressive armor.

 

She keeps bringing up the guy that I found her emotionally cheating with, who she works with. Every day, his name seems to come up, perhaps a good sign, in that I haven't reacted at all. In fact, when she brought up organising a night out for all her friends at work (again bringing his name up), I played it off, and even suggested she bring them all over for a BBQ. The look on her face, was priceless

We share the same social group/circle of friends - and of late, her behaviour has changed dramatically; trying to be the focus of attention, trying to be the loudest/'fun' person in the group, to the point that I can see straight through it, in that it's a sham - again no reaction from me; I don't exaggerate my happiness, I don't pretend to be anything I'm not. I don't care if she has to do all this to get my attention, to 'get in' with our friends - its her life, so I'm letting her get on with it.

 

Now thats not to say that this process over the last week has been an entire success story.

For the 5 days that we were alone in the house, things reverted somewhat to how they were - with us acting like a couple, despite my best intentions not to lapse back into old habits. We slept together every night, and had sex a few times. Only once did I slightly mention 'changing' and didn't push for anything. She on the other hand expressed her conflict - wanting to be single, but that she 'couldn't stop kissing me/being intimate, because it was so perfect', then planning holidays and a future together. It slightly bothered me at first, but nonchalance, has just made life so much more...simpler. I would be worrying constantly as to what her words meant, reading into situations/things she said/her actions...I actually couldn't care less. I know how I feel, and to be honest, it's her loss if she doesn't want to give it a second shot.

 

I'm aware shes getting the best of both worlds - an effective boyfriend when she wants: no commitment, and the power to relegate me down to 'friend'. But that was then, and this is now - my housemates are back, and I've made it a priority to keep myself busy, to socialize and to work without her, not as a means of 'fake it till you make it' but because its beneficial for ME. If later down the road she wants to reconcile, then great I guess (she'll have to prove how badly she wants it though)..if not, then I'm a better person for it. Either way, I don't care, I've made the necessary adjustments in my head for any eventuality that may come, of her testing my nonchalance, and I'm prepared - visualising the 'worst' things she could do over and over, means that if/when it happens, I'm mentally prepared to laugh it off.

 

Regardless, nonchalance is the way to go - even if it doesn't lead to reconciliation with an ex, it just allows you to enjoy life and to be a tougher, stronger person.

[incomingfire]

is nonchalance effective if you are still living together?

 

I started acting nonchalant, not over the top, and we have started sleeping together again.

 

In fact, could it be more effective when living together? - as they are able to see it a lot more.

[Strife]

Yes, it's definitely effective, prehaps more so, as they are exposed to it a lot more. However it dies have it's drawbacks in that you are at first perhaps having to at least pretend to be nonchalant, which takes a lot of focus and commitment, and there are times that prehaps my mood/emotions are running high, and as such means that you can slip up, where if say you weren't living with your ex, they wouldn't see this. So my only advice is to just relax, be nonchalant, and eventually you'll just start adapting, and being more laid back, to the point where you aren't wearing a mask anymore.

 

But I'd definitely say there's an 'advantage' to living with your ex, in terms of nonchalance at least.

[CrapAtNC]

Acceptance. Nonchalance is easier once you truly accept the situation and all future possibilities. Acceptance helps us not react, as we have no surprises, no needs, no expectations--basically, we expect what's coming, and that softens the blow dramatically.

[Kevo]

Hey Crap, An update on my situation... I'm the one with the ex fiancee that moved to Colorado.

 

So we went to see those couple shows in Chicago last week. Everything was perfect. I was getting ready to say goodbye and her dad told her that he couldn't drive with her. I saw him tell her. She had already asked friends (via a FB post) if they'd go but no one would except one creepy guy that started hitting on her as soon as he replied "yes" so she told him "no"). So I told her that I'll drive with her and fly back so that she wouldn't have to drive alone. We had a really fun time. I didn't bring up any heavy subjects the whole weekend. She said she completely fell in love with me again. We were intimate, said I love you like a thousand times (it's a long car ride). Some other things she said, "I'm going to marry you", "our family will be together soon", "I love you and want to be with you", "I'm getting you to me as fast as I can. I miss you tons. These mountains aren't pretty without my love next to me", "I can't sleep without you", "I'm going to get healthy and get you back", "we're going to be together". She cried many times when she thought of me leaving and she completely broke down at the airport yesterday.

 

So far I've been really sweet and accepting of whatever she's been saying, basically responding to her with the same sentiment and saying that I want to be there with her. She knows the ball is in her court. I could be wrong, but I think this whole thing is that she wants to focus on herself and her career. That's what she is telling me so I'll take that as the truth until I have a reason to think otherwise.

 

It was fun to see her bro and his gf (both are my friends too). I thought it was good to show her that we all have fun together. They asked me when I'm going to move out there.

 

Do you think telling her that I want to be there is a mistake? I agree that I was a little cold in my nonchalance earlier. Do you think as long as I'm not clingy or overbearing and don't get upset that I'm ok telling her I love her and I want to be with her? Like in response to when she says it? I'm still letting her contact me so I don't think I'll ever appear clingy.

 

Let's hope she continues to miss me! Thanks for the support!!

[bungalo]

I thought I'd bump this up a little, since you lost your data...if you have time (my last question) thanks-Bung

 

Hey Crap,

 

I've enjoyed reading this thread. I've gone almost 30 days NC now with her...There is a Singles Mixer next weekend that I want to go to....there is a good possibility that she'll be there. I don't want to NOT go just to avoid her. If I see her, I want to be nonchalant, and say the right thing(s). Any tips you can pass

along for me? Thanks-Bung

[okane24]

I feel REALLY good today.

 

I spoke with my girl for an hour this morning. She asked me to call her. She's on holiday with her family and she missed me. They were all asking her about her experiences in America and she thought about me because I showed her a great time.

 

I joked with her, made her laugh and was generally Nonchalant. I mainly listened a lot. Towards the end, she called me honey again. It felt nice because that tells me alot.

 

At the very end she told me it felt really good talking to me. I said, yeah, it was ok. And laughed. She knew I was being cocky funny.

 

Overall, I know its still real difficult for both of us, but everyday, I have more hope that I'll be okay.... With or without her. Of course I want to be with her, but I'm doing a lot now to get better, for myself.

 

And she will REALLY be losing out if we break up.

 

But for now, I'm going to keep doing my own thing, keep it at LC and be more nonchalant and tease her more.

 

At one point we talked about how pretty she is, which she is, extremely... I said, you're ok, but I have another girl's picture plastered on my walls, and it's not you.

 

She was taken aback and said, WHO IS PRETTIER THAN ME? She is sooo used to me falling head over heels for her that this caught her off guard.

 

I said I had this girl's picture ALL over my bedroom walls and everywhere.

 

She was so curious. I then joked with her, that it was this REALLY UNATTRACTIVE Korean Actress that we joked about in the past. She thought it was funny...

 

Anyhow... Cheers you all.

 

Just wanted to post something positive.

 

Keep working on yourself, REALLY hard. Read self improvement books, workout, hang out with positive people. It will make a difference in your life and you will notice it and so will your ex.

 

But who cares, right?

[CrapAtNC]

I thought I'd bump this up a little, since you lost your data...if you have time (my last question) thanks-Bung

 

Hey Crap,

 

I've enjoyed reading this thread. I've gone almost 30 days NC now with her...There is a Singles Mixer next weekend that I want to go to....there is a good possibility that she'll be there. I don't want to NOT go just to avoid her. If I see her, I want to be nonchalant, and say the right thing(s). Any tips you can pass

along for me? Thanks-Bung

 

Be prepared. Know how you will act when you see her and have a few funny comments lined up: "Hey! You're single? Me too!", "So glad you're here. Can you write me out a quick reference that I can show the women here? It would really help. And make it honest--I've brought lots of white-out with me." Or bump into her a few times during the night with an in-joke between the two of you, like constantly point out how the women here are getting on your nerves because the hottest ones only seem interested in your body, but you have a mind, dammit! If she tells you about a guy there she likes, make a joke about him, how you saw him shaving his privates in the bathroom, or how his axe fell out of his jacket when he went to pay for his drink.

 

Just keep everything lighthearted, smile all night like you know something she doesn't, and in no way make any effort with her. Have fun. And leave before she does with a friendly wave good-bye, unless you end up surrounded by interested women, in which case wave her good-bye with a warm smile as she goes.

 

Have a good time!

[The_Seeker]

Being nonchalant does work!

 

I had a good night with my guy friends. LOL I decided to practice it on them. They were my guinea pigs. It does really work. Being laid back. I should do this more often.

 

No news of the ex yet. I'll wait for another month and see if he contacts me on our anniversary date. Shall be interesting. Hopefully I recreate that day something fun so I don't remember it as an anniversary date.

[VinnieMarlboro]

This is all very well - but it isn't yielding any results other than more yo-yo behaviour that is getting no one further ahead at all.

 

DN - have you read the whole thread?

 

I still believe this should be in the healing fron D and BU. Nonchalance is really about getting yourself back - not your ex- that may be a side effect.

 

LNL(god love him) - is posting up on a daily basis on individual situations. I think we all know it takes time for real change to occur. He is still confused and doesn't really know what he wants - we have all been there - some of us still are. His head(logic) suggests that she is no good for him, but his heart(emotions) are directing him back to her. He is over analysing every interaction and looking for answers form us. IMO he should go NC, tell her he needs a break again and when he is ready, he will contact her. He has to be prepared to lose her in order to find himself thus regaining control of the situation.

 

Here's a great post -

 

 

Being nonchalant will aid(and thats all) you in your recovery. Just like exercising, new hobbies, eating well, reading etc. It will reawaken qualities(self confidence, self esteem, charisma etc) that have taken a battering.

 

It may bring them back, but at some stage it has to be turned off again. Because who wants a noncaring partner. Nonchalance is a band aid solution to a relationship.

 

Crap used nonchalance to drag himself out of a sea of pain and found the benefits of a new Crap. He is relaying these to us here.

 

I became nonchalant and was on the road to finding myself again and attracted my wife back, only to lose her again. Not through nonchalance, but a myriad of other reasons which we refused to identify and fix. I found it is great for me, as I have suffered anxiety for a long time and nonchalance has certainly helped me in that respect.

 

I remember a quote from my beloved grandmother - I asked her a question (cant remember what it was about) - but her reply was -

 

"Mate, I just dont worry about that." - nonchanlance to a tee!

 

 

I think we all know there is no sure fire way to get your ex back - you can not control some one else. Every situation is unique. Every person here has a different story. What we can garner from ENA is - it can happen, it does happen, there are some strategies, tricks, mind games you can use to increase your chances.

 

The only way any of this is going to occur starts with you healing, nonchalance is a good start.