Nonchalance is Your Friend

[J-L-T]

The longest me and my ex had been NC, before I initiated, was 5 days. I still feel like he will forget me, but I guess 5 days is nothing! I suppose it will take more for him to really miss me, if he does. I still haven't heard anything about the call he didn't pick up. That's not a great sign I guess.

[SA2000]

Thanks for the well wishes.

 

We were together for almost 6 years so those deep feelings arent going to go away. They are actually being magnified by my actions.

 

She thought it would be like last time we broke up. I would be calling and begging. She would date this other guy (partly why she wont work things out but I am not worried. This guy is not her type.) and if it didnt work out ol' SA2000 would probably be waiting.

 

Nope.

 

The more I am NIC, the more this other guy aint looking so hot. I knew there was nothing there. She needed to figure out that on her own though. My lack of jealousy seems to be adding fuel to the fire too.

After about 6 weeks she usually starts to get over the "Freedom, Yay!".

 

So this is the time where I usually start to get pushy and want to get back together. But this time this is where I will continue to be cool. We will see the movie and Ill drop her off. Then back to NIC. Im sure around day 5 you will see me freaking out in my thread but Ill stay outwardly calm. If she brings up relationship stuff I will tell her I will get back to her or just change the subject. I want to have fun and see this awesome movie!

[SA2000]

J-L-T - 5 days is nothing. Go NIC from now on. When he finally calls let it almost go to voicemail and then answer while laughing. Be friendly no matter what. Do not let him break your good mood. Once that week mark comes rolling around he will start to wonder. You can do this.

[J-L-T]

Thank you.

[bungalo]

We've only spoken like 3 times in three months...twice in June...once in Aug...Unfortunately, I begged a little during the last phone call. NIC now for 18 days. Keep in mind this is the 3rd time she's walked away over 5 years...but I'm still not giving up..but interested in trying the nonchalance approach

[Yostina]

Six years are really worth it. I wouldn't let go of them easily. You're just doing fine hang on to it, and keep playing hard to get so she won't ever do that again if you both got the chance to get back together. Just an advice if you would take it, even if she talks about the relationship I say respond positively but don't give her an absolute answer. Like "maybe we could work it out" or whatever you see.

[SA2000]

Bungalo - I'd make contact in like a week or so. Maybe something jokingly. My ex texted me that a show I used to suffer through was starting soon and to remember to set my DVR. I thought that was funny, perfect way to break NC. I responded and said "Oh yeah. You know I love ______ (random character) and I can't believe so and so dies! Just act confident and fun. Send a few hahas. Then back off again and see if she makes contact. You need to show her you aren't going to get too close or pushy. Don't bring up anything relationship related. Let the ex do that when they are ready.

 

And if the ex tells me she wants to get back together I will definitely take my time to think about it!

[VinnieMarlboro]

One thing that is really important about nonchalance is that it may get someone to contact you more often or may even get an ex to come back but you have to live it. I got my ex to come back by using nonchalance. After a week or so I went back to old getting mad about nothing SA2000. And a few months after, the ex was gone again. Now in every relationship going forward I will maintain my cool. If someone does something I don't like and feel is disrespectful, hey its cool. Ill just see ya around.

 

Spot on. Its exactly what happened to me. So when, or if, your opportunity arises - keep the nonchalance. Thats what attracted them back to you - lose it, lose them.

[rapunzel]

Bungalo - I'd make contact in like a week or so. Maybe something jokingly. My ex texted me that a show I used to suffer through was starting soon and to remember to set my DVR. I thought that was funny, perfect way to break NC. I responded and said "Oh yeah. You know I love ______ (random character) and I can't believe so and so dies! Just act confident and fun. Send a few hahas. Then back off again and see if she makes contact. You need to show her you aren't going to get too close or pushy. Don't bring up anything relationship related. Let the ex do that when they are ready.

 

And if the ex tells me she wants to get back together I will definitely take my time to think about it!

 

Hmmmm...I dunno. I don't think Bungalo is ready to be nonchalant with this one. I'm sorry to say it. After two years (I work with my ex) I am still struggling with nonchalantness and I had two 3.5-4 month relationships with this guy.

 

Give it another 30 days and then think about contacting her. Just my humble opinion. It's too soon, you're still hoping against hope that she will come back. Practice being nonchalant in your own life and wait until you really feel ready. My sense is it is too soon for you, bungalo. I'm sorry.

 

I just sent him something related to our music that I thought he would flip over. It was related to an email he initiated (to our group) that I responded to (often I just ignore his group emails unless it specifically pertains to me). He wrote back that he thought it was cool but for some silly reason, I was hoping for more. I am certifiably hopeless about this man but I'm going to just say "WHO CARES?" and just let this one slide off my back.

 

He's not coming back, folks, until I'm out of his sights and firmly in love with someone else. That's just how it works. *sigh*

[VinnieMarlboro]

VinnieMarlboro

 

I can't go out and enjoy, I don't have friends So I'm gonna focus on my study, this is should be the most important thing right now.

 

Tnx for support

 

Hey, Im not saying go out bar hopping, jumping into bed with any guy. Just try new things. You study - well go to the library and study there rather than at home. Get a study buddy. Join an activicty group. Doing these things will help you find friends.

 

Im saying enjoy the ride of finding yourself again. You have done it before, so look back at the time after your first BU, see what worked for you then.

 

Thats how I found this site, I was looking for a way to fastrack myself back to where I was.

 

I was finding myself, doing NC, being nonchalant and starting to really enjoy myself again. I could feel the change in me, but couldnt define it. I can now, with the help here, define what I had - nonchalance(not just to her, but everything). Thats when she came back to me. I pretty much forgot what I was doing, and went straight back to the old me and lost her again.

 

I'm getting there, I can be nonchalant to everything but her now, so once that comes, and it will, I'm going to be a much happier person.

 

You will be too.

[VinnieMarlboro]

=CrapAtNC;4456275 I much prefer the idea of just texting "Happy Peace Day! and leaving it at that. That should get an interesting response. Don't tell him your reason for saying it--that's your little secret.

 

I agree with the whole quote here, but highlighted this one piece.

 

LESS IS BEST. Let the other person interpret it for themselves. In a past argument with my X, I said something(cant remember what it was) but her reply was -'leave it at that'. So I say' But wait there's more.....'.

 

The 'more', my expalantion of the original comment, achieved nothing. She got the gist of it. Made me look clingy, needy,wussy - looking for her approval and only continued the argument on. Very un nonchalant!

[Tired Tiger]

...but I'm still not giving up..but interested in trying the nonchalance approach

 

And then?

 

Are you really interested in repeating the same cycle again? Acting indifferent may serve it's intended cause-and-effect purpose as is being described here, but what does it do for the issues that cause her to eventually scamper off again? Absolutely nothing. Even if it did, does apathy sound like something you would be comfortable with as a relationship foundation? Is that who you really are?

[CrapAtNC]

And then?

 

Are you really interested in repeating the same cycle again? Acting indifferent may serve it's intended cause-and-effect purpose as is being described here, but what does it do for the issues that cause her to eventually scamper off again? Absolutely nothing. Even if it did, does apathy sound like something you would be comfortable with as a relationship foundation? Is that who you really are?

 

I think maybe you've misunderstood. Nonchalance isn't about not not caring about them; it's about not letting things bother you.

[VinnieMarlboro]

Great post. Great questions.

 

Love by itself aint enough.

 

Nonchalance may open the door, but if its the same old same old, then your only going to set yourself up to be hurt again.

[Tired Tiger]

Nah, I get it. Variation on a theme:

 

.

[VinnieMarlboro]

I think Tired Tiger is questioning the motives of some people here.

 

Crap you have stated that you are using nonchalance to improve yourself and whatever comes from that is a bonus - the epitomy of nonchalance. You have said that you would take some of your X's back, but that is not a goal of why you are changing your thought processes.

 

Whereas others are looking to nonchalance to give them a 2nd bite of the cherry. A quick fix back into the X's heart/life. Tired Tiger is asking them - what happens now - once you get the chance?

 

For me, nonchalance got me that 2nd bite - but all the old issues were still there - regardless of whether anything bothered me or not. I threw nonchalance out the window, once I had achieved my goal - getting her back. So, now I am back trying to become nonchalant for myself. Whatever happens after mastering this art form - happens. My only goal here is for me, me alone and does not include anyone else.

 

Just my 2 cents worth.

[mr_zanon]

My only goal here is for me, me alone and does not include anyone else.

You nailed it. I'm not trying to get anyone back either. We're in the same boat, it seems.

[abigheart]

Crap, I immediately thought of this thread when I randomly ran into my ex tonight after 4 months of NC. Yes, I was quite surprised I ran into him and that lingered on afterward as I realized how empty and sad it was when we were "catching up" for a few 10 minutes. I felt sad because we have become strangers but now I'm feeling this odd calm, like this was a HICCUP. This is NOT something worth reacting to...it happened, I asked to catch up which I initially regretted but now I'm thinking so the eff what - I have to be nonchalant about my actions, about the occurrence.

 

So I will step over a little dent in the road and walk on with my head held high.

 

I realize this is so random amongst what seems to be a ginormous, heated discussion involving several people but I thought I would share that

[VinnieMarlboro]

Here I go and I am going to ignore my own advice of - LESS IS BEST! who cares - not me, thats why I'm doing it.

 

Nonchalance is a very versatile tool and can be used in a variety of situations, but not all. We have seen the benefits of what it can do - used correctly.

It by no means, is an exclusive solution to all of ones problems - merely an accessory.

 

When to use nonchalance - Post BU- getting yourself back. The initial post could well of been put into the Healing from BU and Divorce. It is a great tool for healing. By being nonchalant you can start the healing process as it allows you to let them go. Nonchalance will wrestle the control that your X has over you from them, and give it back to you. Nonchalance by its mere nature, will stop you from commiting BU sins - because you dont care. It allows you to move on - because you dont care. It will give you selfworth, restore self esteem and confidence - because you dont care what anyone else thinks. This has all been said somewhere in this post before - and I think crap has the following he does because we all believe it to be true - and it is. How often do you go back and re read the original post? No where does he mention 'its about getting an X back' - its about 'getting himself back'. Its about positioning yourself to be in control of yourself and yourself only.

 

Getting your Ex back - Yes - it can be used here too. But before even contemplating this - you must go through the first process. You must regain control of yourself first. It is imperative. You are where you are- eg - splitsville for a reason(usually a myriad of them) Noncahalance is not going to magically fix these for you. Nonchalance will allow your X to see you in a different light for a definite period of time - that is all. It will open the door for reconcilliation and no more. This is where other tools and accessories are needed. In fact, nonchalance(we will call this evil-nonchalance) may well be one of the reasons you are here. Your Ex's perception that you did not care about them!

 

If reconcilliation becomes a possibility you need to then identify and rectify what went wrong in the first place. Why did she kick me out? Why did she have an affair?etc. You will need to really have a good look at yourself and your relationship and why it failed. You will have to do more research and find a multitude of other tools, that you lacked, in order to maintain your 'new' relationship. This is the 'Real Change' your ex is looking for in you! You have to start from scratch and rebuild your foundation with them. No means an easy task. It is extremely hard work and requires the utmost in commitment from both parties. Once some cracks start to appear - your ex has done it before and will do it again(no fear this time)- end it.

 

 

I started the last paragraph with an 'If' - because when you have healed fully and found your new self, you may decide, or better still, come to the realisation, the the relationship was not working for you either.

 

I think only when you have reached nirvana(your new self) will be able to fully understand the above statement.

 

So to all on here, I implore you to ask yourself the following - What is my true reason for mastering the art form of nonchalance?

 

If the answer does not pertain to - so I can better myself - then I dont think you are ever really going grasp the concept.

[Morning]

I'm already on the nonchalant road

We can do it!

[okiedokiestomp]

C@NC, in your opinion, is there any difference b/t nonchalance and the detachment process taught as a life principle to codependents in many recovery circles? Reading your original post it's clear to me that you are coming from that perspective and I think that is a truly positive thing.

[bungalo]

 

Give it another 30 days and then think about contacting her. Just my humble opinion. It's too soon, you're still hoping against hope that she will come back. Practice being nonchalant in your own life and wait until you really feel ready. My sense is it is too soon for you, bungalo. I'm sorry.

 

I was feeling this way too. My goal is to give it at least 30 more days. Thanks Rapunzel. I went to a club last night for Ladies Night...sponsored by a meetup group...and met some great people, with the mindset that I was going to be nonchalant, and it worked really well! When i got to to the place, my first instinct was to blend into the wall..but I made myself sit at the table with people from the website...and actually had a blast...one of the few times since the breakup, where I could see some light at the end of the tunnel.

 

I hear what you're saying Tired Tiger...but I have to agree with Crap, that it's not putting up a front, or being something that I'm not, it's about maintaining those personal boundaries - by not being needy or requiring specifics from them...Brilliant post on the use of nonchalance Vinnie marlboro

[CrapAtNC]

So riddle me this, Crap, is the reason for the breakup relevant to practicing nonchalance? In our case, no cheating or abuse..here are her reasons: "something's missing, I've got to find myself, I'm still grieving some things..I'm used to being alone (this after almost 6 years together!)...I'm sure if I pressed her, she'd come up with more.

 

Well, nonchalance can be applied in many ways. If you've been too needy, nonchalance for you will be more about not stressing over them or what you think their or your needs are. If there was cheating, nonchalance will help you heal and get your self-worth back--but it is also a tool for raising attraction. If abuse . . . nonchalance will stop anyone abusing you again, since bullying is usually to induce some kind of a response, and bullies simply do not like a fight or having to employ too much effort.

 

And for the example you put in quotes, it's a must, because those are the words you usually hear when you have been too clingy and needy. The fact that you even mentioned pressing her tells me she may be feeling that you're overbearing--is that possible?

 

Great post. Great questions.

 

Love by itself aint enough.

 

Nonchalance may open the door, but if its the same old same old, then your only going to set yourself up to be hurt again.

 

Completely agree, and also with your great post a little lower down the thread. Nonchalance is about getting YOU back and preventing you going back to destructive ways. Other issues still need to be ironed out. However, you'll find that not demanding to have all your needs met and questions answered, and not responding badly to things that might previously have upset you, will make it much easier for you both to work on issues. It really helps open up honest communication, as I'm sure many of you have noticed.

 

I think Tired Tiger is questioning the motives of some people here.

 

Crap you have stated that you are using nonchalance to improve yourself and whatever comes from that is a bonus - the epitomy of nonchalance. You have said that you would take some of your X's back, but that is not a goal of why you are changing your thought processes.

 

Whereas others are looking to nonchalance to give them a 2nd bite of the cherry. A quick fix back into the X's heart/life. Tired Tiger is asking them - what happens now - once you get the chance?

 

For me, nonchalance got me that 2nd bite - but all the old issues were still there - regardless of whether anything bothered me or not. I threw nonchalance out the window, once I had achieved my goal - getting her back. So, now I am back trying to become nonchalant for myself. Whatever happens after mastering this art form - happens. My only goal here is for me, me alone and does not include anyone else.

 

Just my 2 cents worth.

 

To be honest, I'm sure nonchalance will help bring my ex back, but that's not my reason. My true reason is that I'm tired of experiencing pain . . . and having my reaction to that pain push people I love further away . . . which causes more pain.

 

Incidentally, I had a really nonchalant gmail chat with the previous ex--the one who went quite cold after the break-up--and she's really warmed up. We'll be meeting to catch up some time soon. She loved the playfulness of our convo.

 

Crap, I immediately thought of this thread when I randomly ran into my ex tonight after 4 months of NC. Yes, I was quite surprised I ran into him and that lingered on afterward as I realized how empty and sad it was when we were "catching up" for a few 10 minutes. I felt sad because we have become strangers but now I'm feeling this odd calm, like this was a HICCUP. This is NOT something worth reacting to...it happened, I asked to catch up which I initially regretted but now I'm thinking so the eff what - I have to be nonchalant about my actions, about the occurrence.

 

So I will step over a little dent in the road and walk on with my head held high.

 

I realize this is so random amongst what seems to be a ginormous, heated discussion involving several people but I thought I would share that

 

It's great that you shared it! Your point is an important one: even if we screw up occasionally and behave less nonchalantly than would have been ideal, if we simply brush it off and move on, who cares?

 

C@NC, in your opinion, is there any difference b/t nonchalance and the detachment process taught as a life principle to codependents in many recovery circles? Reading your original post it's clear to me that you are coming from that perspective and I think that is a truly positive thing.

 

I had to read up on that, but, yes, it's exactly that. We're letting go of the need to obsess over others' problems. The way I see it is that we're on a path toward happiness and we won't let others pull us off that path. We literally have to brush them off and ignore their attempts to pull us into their misery. And that in turn breaks a pattern for them and they will very likely follow your lead.

 

I rehabilitate problem dogs, Cesar Millan style. It's all about maintaining your cool and providing a calm, assertive lead for others to follow. I use this technique to fix everything from obsessive behaviours to aggression to fearfulness to 'breaking' feral dogs. I had a feral dog walking like a show dog within 15 minutes simply because I ignored her extremely over-the-top protests at being on a leash and stayed focus on walking in the direction I had chosen. The dog, who was clearly in a very distressed state, would have got much worse had I stopped to pay attention to her issues. Instead, I ignored the somersaults and barks and snaps and attempts to chew through the leash and instead gave gentle tugs to follow as I stuck to my path. I provided her with leadership and I refused to give attention (fuel) to her harmful antics.

 

The result? Her wild antics soon stopped because they got her nowhere. She then chose to walk right next to me, to accept my lead, as she felt I had proven myself as a strong, fair leader. You see, leadership is all about relationships and getting the best out of them, getting people to do better than they thought they could, and never allowing anyone to pull you off course. We must maintain this air of not being bothered by any of the bad stuff that happens. If we do, we prove ourselves as ones to follow, and instantly kill their desire to play up.

 

That is nonchalance. It's about not being fazed by what's going on around you. It's about keeping a cool head when all around are losing theirs. And it's about being the best person you can be--a model for others to learn from.

 

That's how I see it anyway.

[VinnieMarlboro]

Nonchalance is about getting YOU back and preventing you going back to destructive ways. Other issues still need to be ironed out. However, you'll find that not demanding to have all your needs met and questions answered, and not responding badly to things that might previously have upset you, will make it much easier for you both to work on issues. It really helps open up honest communication, as I'm sure many of you have noticed.

 

Haven't made that far yet still NC - so one can only hope - not that I care if it does get that far. I'm a glutton for punishment!

 

My eldsest(15) txts today and says he's gonna ask a girl out tomorrow. Broke up a cpl of weeks ago with another 1. Do 15 yo get over relationship Break downs quicker than us adults? First thing I txt back - look up nonchalance mate! I think I talked him out of asking her out, for now. Will check his mental stability as I dont really think he is over the last 1 yet. Has rebound written all over it - She told him 'she is gonna help him get through this difficult period' - Prairie Sh*t - Blazzing Saddles - always wanted to use that one.

 

To be honest, I'm sure nonchalance will help bring my ex back, but that's not my reason. My true reason is that I'm tired of experiencing pain . . . and having my reaction to that pain push people I love further away . . . which causes more pain.

 

I am 1000% sure nonchalance will bring them back. No truer words have ever been spoken.

 

"Change will only occur when- the pain you are experiencing outweighs the pain to change'

 

The other 'rant' was to all those out there trying to get there ex's back - the easy part is getting them back - the hard part is to keep them.

[LarsWB]

excellent posts Vinnie, keep being the light that some of us need right now!

 

crap, same to you brother....my relationships will never be the same because I'm never going to be the same.

 

fantastic thread for many different reasons.