Nonchalance is Your Friend

[bungalo]

Well, nonchalance can be applied in many ways. If you've been too needy, nonchalance for you will be more about not stressing over them or what you think their or your needs are. If there was cheating, nonchalance will help you heal and get your self-worth back--but it is also a tool for raising attraction. If abuse . . . nonchalance will stop anyone abusing you again, since bullying is usually to induce some kind of a response, and bullies simply do not like a fight or having to employ too much effort.

 

And for the example you put in quotes, it's a must, because those are the words you usually hear when you have been too clingy and needy. The fact that you even mentioned pressing her tells me she may be feeling that you're overbearing--is that possible?

 

There was some clinginess and neediness on both sides. I think the needy/clingy stuff was often an unspoken thing, an energetic vibe that I was giving off. A normal reaction to her distancing. But what you said makes real sense, fantastic insight Crap! I am extremely even-tempered, and not one to pressure or be overbearing-unless you consider talking about "the elephant in the room" pressing her. At this stage, like you said earlier, it's time to let things settle and allow the water to completely flow under the bridge...for both of us. When we spoke in August, she brought up a resentment from 18 months ago that she'd been holding onto, so I recognize that this stuff has to dissipate some more.

 

 

 

What do you do when you encounter a real crisis situation (she has a meltdown for example, tears, rage, the whole nine yards) How does Mr. Nonchalance handle this and still be perceived as a caring, supportive partner ?

BTW, I think this is the best thread I've ever seen on ENA!

[Yostina]

My ex has a stone-head. He is stubborn, and was acting selfish lately. He seemed to be fully determined which whenever I think of it, it just makes me lose hope in getting him back again. He acted dry when we were going through the break up (3 months), but still during that time he had those mood swings of being so in love with me one day, and the other day just wants to break it off. More of a split personality.

 

Could NC/NIC/LC/nonchalance still work in such situation? Were you guys in a similar situation and had a progress?

[Live-N-Learn]

I'm learning!!! haha

 

As you know Tuesday night was a messed up night for me because of my actions of playing a game with my ex's head. Anyways I learned from it and really took some time on my 4 hour drive yesterday to K.C. to adjust my thinking.

 

As I mentioned yesterday the ex was texting me all afternoon. I stayed really light hearted and neither of us mentioned in our texts Tuesday night. She texts around 7pm and asked me what time I would be back. I thought it odd that she was being so nice since we had not talked about her being upset with me, but who cares. I told her around 9.

 

She called me when she got off work and we laughed and talked and then she said. You know you pissed me off last night. I knew this was coming and was so glad I had prepared for it! I laughed and said "I know" I called you back in 15 min. You should open a fast food joint, you are so impatient! I said all of this jokingly and with confidence as if it was no big deal.

 

Guess what? She laughed and that was that! She then asked me if I wanted to meet up for a drink! I said, eh..maybe, depends how I feel when I get home. She said OK well I will call you in a bit. I said OK. She called me back and we talked a little more about small stuff and I never mentioned getting together (which I usually would do). She then said she had to put her son to bed. I said OK nothing more. Then she goes I will call you back in a bit. I say OK.

 

A few minutes later I get a text from her saying so are we going out? I text back...I guess we could meet up with captain morgan for a few lol. We had a blast all night and she was really responding to my non nonchalant attitude. She then start talking about her high school days and suggest we get together and share albums. I say..yeah that could be fun sometime. She then sets the date for next Thursday. She said she will come over and we can cook dinner together first. Inside I am like wow, I am acting as if nothing bothers me and like I really don't care if we get together or not, and she is pursuing me!

 

She brings up the gay club again and I try to change the subject...she says look I really feel bad about just leaving you standing there the other night. I say..It's no biggie, your such a retard. Next time I will just throw you your keys and go home. I said all of this jokingly and upbeat like I really didn't care. She responded, NO! I want you to stay and what I did was wrong. I want to find a way so that we can go to the club together and both have fun. I will introduce you to all my friends and I will pull you out on the floor with me. I won't let that happen again. I laugh and then change the subject.

 

We end up going to breakfast and were out til 3am. I wake up this morning to a call from her which I missed cuz I was still asleep and a text saying wake up!!!!!!!!!

 

I call her back and she says I am going on a walk at the lake today and am dragging your ass out with me! I say, not sure I can go but give me a call later if you decide to go.

 

The interesting part for me is that I feel like something has really changed in me and I really don't care anymore and feel so much better not stressing over everything. I feel like the fear is being replaced with the desire to just be happy and what ever happens will happen. It really doesn't matter. I am so much more enjoying being light hearted and cracking jokes than being needy and insecure.

 

This really is a much better approach to life. So we will see what happens. Either way, I am improving and have much more peace. I also think she can feel the difference and it is taking a lot of pressure off on her.

 

I will continue NIC because I really don't care to initiate contact right now or be the one to try to set up a meet up with her. Feeling pretty good today

[resilient7]

¨If we give too much we lower our value¨,why the eff is that so,ugh!

[Yostina]

Way to go Way to go LNL

 

Wow I'm really very impressed how this is properly working with many of you! You guys are playing it real cool. Must be some magical way!

Keep nonchalanting!

 

Good luck to you

[SA2000]

Awesome LNL! Keep doing whats working. Soon she is going to be worrying why you AREN'T bringing up the relationship. But make sure you dont change. Even if she does something that makes you upset. See how you already had her say sorry once?

[KateUK]

What a result, LNL!! And I am so pleased that you are feeling better on the inside too

I really believe in 'faking it till you make it' with regards to confidence - and it looks like it works with nonchalance too.

It really seems you are doing this with the right intentions too - for YOU!

 

Keep it up sunshine

[MeandHarpua]

Would it be a good idea to break nc to try this nonchalance thing? or should i be super non-chalant and wait for her to contact me. I'm the dumpee after a short relationship. I let my emotions get the best of my and she lost attraction. We got very serious over the summer and i am now feeling on top of the world again! I want to rech out to her because i care about her so much, but in the past i think my attitude and emotions have made any of my attempts at contact sound desperate and needy. Any way to contact her non-chalantly? Its only been about 2 weeks of solid nc, Last we talked we were both pretty hasty towards eachother, nothing good came of the conversation.

[SA2000]

Maybe go NC for another week and then break it with something funny. I always think that after some time has passed you should break NC with something that is funny and seems out of the blue. Then be completely nonchalant. Back off immidiately after that and go NIC.

[onelove6]

I love this thread. I think.

 

Actually, I don't care.

 

 

 

 

Am I doing this right? ha

[Yostina]

Who cares? ;p

[KateUK]

I have just had a 3rd date with someone who has nonchalance down to a tee. Either that or he is shy, or really not bothered (But then why go on a third date? And then talk about going out for a drink?? And then not kiss me???). It's driving me nuts not knowing which but I am trying to be nonchalant back regardless.... and wait for the texts to come rolling in ;-)

 

It really is a skill that you can apply to all situations!

[J-L-T]

I hope someday I can actually BECOME this, instead of PRETEND.

[SA2000]

J-L-T I actually started this years ago. I strayed from it in the past year or so. What I would do is think of something hillarious every time I was mad or sad. I would think of something that brought tears to my eyes because it was so funny. It would always lift my spirits and let me know that there was a bright side. The first week after the break up I watched a lot of comedies. This might not be your thing but it helps me. If I am happy it is really easy to be nonchalant and stay calm. Just my technique.

 

Also try to put the shoe on the other foot. Wouldn't it drive you nuts if you thought someone should be ruffled and they were "meh"? That always makes me laugh. When people get upset because I am not getting upset.

[VinnieMarlboro]

I have just had a 3rd date with someone who has nonchalance down to a tee. Either that or he is shy, or really not bothered (But then why go on a third date? And then talk about going out for a drink?? And then not kiss me???). It's driving me nuts not knowing which but I am trying to be nonchalant back regardless.... and wait for the texts to come rolling in ;-)

 

It really is a skill that you can apply to all situations!

 

Hey Kate

 

I'm on the other side and I can only speak for myself here. I 've been out a few times(6 or 7) - 1 serious sort of date, we talk on the phone every cpl of days.

 

I also am Mr Nonchalant. Haven't kissed or anything like that, but that is due to my FEELINGS. I'm unsure what I really do want and what I want from her - her friendship is great - relationship hmmm?.

 

Talk to him about how he feels about you, let him know subtly - you're available to him(flirt,touch him) - you have to be careful and if you sense anxiety or stress - Miss Nonchalance to the rescue - back off, change subject and continue on. His history maybe be the key as to how to play this.

 

 

And to LNL - go you good thing! I think most of us here are envious of your position. You seem to be in contact with her often - it seems as she just wants a little less pressure from you and you're starting to relise that.

[KateUK]

Thanks for your perspective, Vinnie... I don't really know his history. I have to also think of the possibility that I am sending out 'friendship' vibes out of fear maybe? I maybe need to be more open with my body language etc when around him as he may be confused about me too... there were a couple of touches and leans in today for the first time though...

On date 4, we will both be drinking so that may enable us to open up (the first 3 have been daytime walks in the countryside). Anyway, this is off topic so sorry....

 

Definitely Nonchalance all the way though with my ex though, although he is doing a bit of it himself now... Gah! I don't want to be out Chalanced!!

Wouldn't it drive you nuts if you thought someone should be ruffled and they were "meh"?

 

That's such a cool way of putting it SA!! Yep it would!

 

I hope someday I can actually BECOME this, instead of PRETEND.

 

I believe the more you practice something, the more it becomes like second nature. Like a habit. So keep pretending, JLT!

[CrapAtNC]

What do you do when you encounter a real crisis situation (she has a meltdown for example, tears, rage, the whole nine yards) How does Mr. Nonchalance handle this and still be perceived as a caring, supportive partner ?

BTW, I think this is the best thread I've ever seen on ENA!

 

Think about it. You care about them, but you're strong. If my ex had a tearful meltdown, I'd give her a strong hug, but it would be for her and not for me. I don't know if I can describe it properly, but when I hug her for me, I put my head and hips in closer; when I'm being strong for her, I stand more straight and really feel like I'm being her pillar, not her pillow. Then say something funny like "I don't mind you crying on my shoulder but I draw the line at you blowing your nose on my shirt while you're there, OK?"

 

If she was in a rage, make a funny comment; you must never reward rage. You could help her out with the insults; list some other names she could call you. Look like you're genuinely struggling to think of really bad ones. Or ask her to pause for a second while you go to the bathroom; come back and tell her "OK, where were we? Oh, yes. You were telling me I'm a scumbag." With my ex, who used to throw things at me, I'd act a lot, tell her to stop a minute, step away from the sharp/heavy things, and offer to get her some pillows to throw instead." Any insults should be brushed off. Her: "You're SO stupid!"; Me: "What does that mean?" Rage is good for neither of you, so do all you can to bring her out of it by making light of the situation. When she's finished, welcome her back. Tell her you missed her. Give her a hug.

 

Blah blah blah . . . showing off . . . blah blah blah . . . big head . . . blah blah blah . . . so full of yourself . . .

;-)

 

I had just been on Facebook and seen photos my ex posted of her out on a date and then in her new guy's bed. That tested my nonchalance! But your post totally made my night. I was really happy to see how you've turned this around and learned EXACTLY how being nonchalant in the right way is great for both of you. Seriously good job! Show off . . .

 

¨If we give too much we lower our value¨,why the eff is that so,ugh!

 

Consider that they WANT someone of value, want us to value ourselves, and you'll understand why it's a good thing. When you hold back a little and make things a little more difficult to obtain, we are blessing them with the feeling that they have someone they DESERVE. I always think of environmental enrichment programs at zoos. An animal whose food is handed to her on a plate is not a happy camper--because eating the food is only a small part of it; they NEED that little bit of excitement and hard work in order to be happier. People who have everything on a plate are simply not happy. It's no coincidence that countries at the top of the 'happy index' tend to be poor countries where life involves a little bit of struggle just for the bare necessities; if we get those too easily, we seek stress elsewhere . . . or create our own.

 

Would it be a good idea to break nc to try this nonchalance thing? or should i be super non-chalant and wait for her to contact me. I'm the dumpee after a short relationship. I let my emotions get the best of my and she lost attraction. We got very serious over the summer and i am now feeling on top of the world again! I want to rech out to her because i care about her so much, but in the past i think my attitude and emotions have made any of my attempts at contact sound desperate and needy. Any way to contact her non-chalantly? Its only been about 2 weeks of solid nc, Last we talked we were both pretty hasty towards eachother, nothing good came of the conversation.

 

I'd give it more time. I'm sure you're progressing nicely, but you'll be twice as nonchalant in a couple more weeks. Plus, if they are the ones making contact, half your battle is already won.

 

I love this thread. I think.

 

Actually, I don't care.

 

 

 

 

Am I doing this right? ha

 

You love this thread. And you don't care how we feel about that. You're happy regardless.

 

Got it? ;-)

 

I have just had a 3rd date with someone who has nonchalance down to a tee. Either that or he is shy, or really not bothered (But then why go on a third date? And then talk about going out for a drink?? And then not kiss me???). It's driving me nuts not knowing which but I am trying to be nonchalant back regardless.... and wait for the texts to come rolling in ;-)

 

It really is a skill that you can apply to all situations!

 

If you're both leaning back, someone has to lean in to get things moving closer. Then pull back a little to initiate the chase.

 

I hope someday I can actually BECOME this, instead of PRETEND.

 

It's not pretending; it's practicing, and you will become it; I can't tell you how nonnonchalant . . . chalant . . . ??? . . . I used to be. I became it by being it.

 

Anyway, you shouldn't care!

[bungalo]

Ok, let's get real specific here. I know this isn't as exciting as the posts with the ten-gazillion texts every day from their X's but...I just wanted to consult the Crap Oracle once more before I turn in tonight. When my X woud rage...it was NEVER (ok maybe 2 times in 5 years) at me...it was about her Mother, Her Kids, Someone who irritated her, something to do with her job.

AND...this would occur not just in person, but often on the phone. It felt like I was getting sucked into a downward spiral. I feel that a wisecrack or quip would maybe make her angier, or seem dismissive, which could be interpreted as insulting, by her. I used to do the validation and mirroring with her. Sometimes it worked, sometimes it didn't...but I always felt drained. How does being nonchalant work in a situation like this?

[MeandHarpua]

Yeah, i had a step back today. All because of * * * * ing fb, lmao. Childish right? I commented on a friends status that she had apparaently already commented on and she imeddiatley comments "Uhm..." This is after i had already deleted her from my friends. What is that suppose to even meen? I just ignored it, but it has me wondering. Probably gonna more than a just few more weeks of nc to get this back to a point where I can even try am i right? I care about this girl a lot, a little too much actually. I know she will come around and get out of this childish bs phase eventually. Do i need to just disappear completely until then?

 

I'm going to stop using facebook now, I feel that just her being able to see what i comment and see my profile is completely working against me.

[VinnieMarlboro]

This is something i am just learning. Lets see how I go - dont act on this until crap gives approval. This was a major downfall in my relationship - I just didnt know how to listen. I would constantly interrupt her(still do!) and offer solutions - she didnt want solutions.

 

She wants you to listen. So shut up and listen. Wait for a pause - she will pause for you - thats your call to action.

Empathise - 'that must be terrible for you, just hearing it is making me upset.' Your attempting to put yourself in her shoes - she will like that - you care.

Her feelings - The next question is to determine how she really feels about it - she, and you know, is upset, angry already - but she needs to tell you that.

So a feeling related question - 'how do you feel about that?' This where I struggle because a question like that is just so 'see thru'. So contrived it is obvious. Gotta come up with something else - any suggestions would be appreciated!!!

Listen again - she tells you her feelings on the subject.

Then compliment, action, reassurance - ie - your'e a strong woman, try not to let it bother you, You'll be fine.

One of the most important things, is keeping under control. Talk in a cool, calm and collected manner - almost a sexy voice. Follow Crap's dog training analogy - you want to lead her where you want to go.

 

Then Nonchalant her away - cheer her up. Make her feel good - crap would do the 'you're so sexy right now' type of thing.

 

This is one of those times when The Big N has to be put back in the rack - because you do care! (well you should).

 

It would be interesting from a woman's point of view - so Kate if you're out there some input here would be great.

[okane24]

I'm about to call it quits...

 

Just watched the movie Going the Distance here in the states about a long distance relationship and how they TRY to keep it together. Don't wanna spoil the movie, but... My relationship is not even near theirs on the movie and I'm still trying to Hang on...

 

And I'm tired.

 

I'm tired of crying, I'm tired of wondering where she is, who she's with, what she's doing, why she's not calling or texting me.

Wondering if she still loves me like she said she did. I just ran accross a note that she wrote to me only a month ago telling me how she was falling in love with me more...

 

That was when she was with me here in San Diego... Now, we're like strangers. We hardly talk or text. I'm at NC - LC, giving her, her space. I'm not really happy with our relationship, if you could even call it that these days.

 

She did call me yesterday though. And texted me. She's coming around in terms of contact. Seems like she's missing me more now. But I don't want to be strung along.

 

And I LOVE HER TOO MUCH. I don't want her to suffer at all, either.

 

Maybe I'm just emotional right now, but I feel like the right thing to do, is cut it. Let her be FREE. And if she Truly loves me, and I love her, maybe we'll meet again, under different circumstances.

 

I also don't want to abandon her or 'quit' on her while she's having a hard time. If she wants me to be STRONG and hang on for her, I CAN. But she's gotta give me more than she is now.

 

BUt if she doesn't want me, then I can't be with her. It's not fair to me. I've treated her too well.

 

Crap, any advice? I might call her in a day or two and call it quits. I'm hurting right now and I'm confused. I love her but I also want to be happier.

 

Please help buddy.... thank you.

[CrapAtNC]

Therapists use a technique (I don't know its name) whereby, when the patient starts to head down a road they want to keep them from, they interrupt in a way that changes the subject. For instance, if a depressed person starts talking about how bad a certain situation is, the therapist might say "Oh! Did you hear that? What was it?" This breaks the pattern and infuses a completely different mood in the patient. They might do this a couple more times before asking "OK, so what were you saying?", to which the patient usually responds "Oh, nothing" and the conversation gets lead in a more positive direction.

 

You could sympathize and joke at the same time: "That sucks! Do you want me to have her killed?" My ex loved that one.

 

Try it and see. Do you have anything to lose?

[CrapAtNC]

Try a different, more physical, pastime for a while. You need it.

[CrapAtNC]

Crap, any advice? I might call her in a day or two and call it quits. I'm hurting right now and I'm confused. I love her but I also want to be happier.

 

Please help buddy.... thank you.

 

From my own personal experience I can tell you that you must do NOTHING until this negative mood has passed. Your options are still open right now; they won't be if you act on a bad mood.

 

She called and texted you? That sounds pretty good! But I do understand you're now scared of getting back into a situation that could bring you more pain again. I promise you that the more upbeat and confident you are about yourself and your relationship, the far less likely your fears are to come true.

 

Hang in there. Let's have a great weekend and then decide. ;-)

[SA2000]

Therapists use a technique (I don't know its name) whereby, when the patient starts to head down a road they want to keep them from, they interrupt in a way that changes the subject. For instance, if a depressed person starts talking about how bad a certain situation is, the therapist might say "Oh! Did you hear that? What was it?" This breaks the pattern and infuses a completely different mood in the patient. They might do this a couple more times before asking "OK, so what were you saying?", to which the patient usually responds "Oh, nothing" and the conversation gets lead in a more positive direction.

 

You could sympathize and joke at the same time: "That sucks! Do you want me to have her killed?" My ex loved that one.

 

Try it and see. Do you have anything to lose?

 

That is hilarious. Adding that to the repetuar for sure!