ilovethatgirl Posted March 18, 2008 Share Posted March 18, 2008 My girlfriend told me about how she might be bi, because she has feelings for her friend. ... Now right away it hurts... because she's with me and she has feelings about someone else. She claims she "can't control it", but wouldn't her having feelings for her friend (who is a girl) be the same as her having feelings for someone else who's a guy? And... it seems every time we talk about it and I open my big fat mouth, I say something that makes her feel like theres "something wrong" with her. Please... I need help! Link to comment
doyathink Posted March 18, 2008 Share Posted March 18, 2008 What is it with this new generation of girls? Everyone is suddenly bi! Link to comment
ilovethatgirl Posted March 18, 2008 Author Share Posted March 18, 2008 not helping... *cries* Link to comment
rose2summer Posted March 18, 2008 Share Posted March 18, 2008 I think it's a fad, a popularity thing, to be bi. I have had several guys say, oh you're not bi, don't you want to try that, it's such a turn on. I don't know, I think it goes both ways, men are pushing it on women, and women find it to be popular. Such a catch 22. Hugs, Rose Link to comment
HealingHandsWarmHeart Posted March 18, 2008 Share Posted March 18, 2008 What is it with this new generation of girls? Everyone is suddenly bi! imo its attention seeking behavior. I agree with you... Ilovethatgirl- it is the same thing as if she went to you and told you she had feelings for another guy...and i personally think that you should treat it as such - if you give her the green light to go for it... i dont think you would be ok with it... i think it would cause you a lot of turmoil. Let her go explore if thats what she needs or wants to do... but take care of yourself first and foremost. Link to comment
midnightrambler Posted March 18, 2008 Share Posted March 18, 2008 its just rebellion...one more thing their mommy didn't do Link to comment
flower99 Posted March 18, 2008 Share Posted March 18, 2008 I think when she says she can't control it, that's not entirely true...if you feed a thought it grows. She may be feeding the thought of being with this girl & thereforeee allowing it to grow.But regardless if she truly can't control these feelings for this other person than she should stop hanging around the person, because she is putting herself in a bad position. But you can't go telling her who to hang out with. So thereforeee I would probably back off, possibly break it off to let her figure out her feelings & what/who she wants. But that's just me, because I wouldn't want to be with someone who had feelings for someone else guy or girl. it doesn't matter. Link to comment
ilovethatgirl Posted March 18, 2008 Author Share Posted March 18, 2008 *cries harder* she tells me every day how much she loves me and says she doesnt WANT to have feelings for this friend of hers... does that mean anything? Link to comment
ghost69 Posted March 18, 2008 Share Posted March 18, 2008 a lot of girls act this way these days. so many things on tv, magazines, etc that influence this. maybe she does. but continue to date her until she breaks it off for her. Link to comment
ilovethatgirl Posted March 18, 2008 Author Share Posted March 18, 2008 but continue to date her until she breaks it off for her. I think this is the first time I've seen you advise something other than immediate breakup... Link to comment
flower99 Posted March 18, 2008 Share Posted March 18, 2008 *cries harder* she tells me every day how much she loves me and says she doesnt WANT to have feelings for this friend of hers... does that mean anything? Personal I see that as not taking control of her own mind. Thoughts come & go but we choose what we think on. Would it be any different to you if she said she didn't want to have any feelings for Your best friend, a guy?? would you let that go? I wouldn't. And I don't see this as any different. If she can't control her feelings, than let her go to figure out her feelings. And honestly if she says she can't control her feelings can she control her actions ?? if my SO couldn't give me her/his whole heart, because they had feelings for someone else-I wouldnt be with them. I think you deserve someone who has feelings for you & only you. She's torn & needs to figure herself out, and by staying with her during it you're putting yourself through a lot of hurt. Link to comment
DN Posted March 18, 2008 Share Posted March 18, 2008 I also agree that there is no difference having feelings for a woman than there is for a man. It means she is not committed to you as she should be - the gender of the person she is lusting after is irrelevant. If I were you I would break up with her and find someone who understands what committed relationships are about. Link to comment
ilovethatgirl Posted March 18, 2008 Author Share Posted March 18, 2008 Personal I see that as not taking control of her own mind. Thoughts come & go but we choose what we think on. Would it be any different to you if she said she didn't want to have any feelings for Your best friend, a guy?? would you let that go? I wouldn't. And I don't see this as any different. If she can't control her feelings, than let her go to figure out her feelings. And honestly if she says she can't control her feelings can she control her actions ?? if my SO couldn't give me her/his whole heart, because they had feelings for someone else-I wouldnt be with them. I think you deserve someone who has feelings for you & only you. She's torn & needs to figure herself out, and by staying with her during it you're putting yourself through a lot of hurt. But not being with her for so long would hurt me even more! Link to comment
ghost69 Posted March 18, 2008 Share Posted March 18, 2008 I think this is the first time I've seen you advise something other than immediate breakup... all she said was she thinks she is bi. has she said anything about your relationship? if you sense she is losing feelings for you, sit her down and talk about this. otherwise put it aside until you sense something. And... it seems every time we talk about it and I open my big fat mouth, I say something that makes her feel like theres "something wrong" with her. That's because there is. Not being bi - but being uncommitted. Link to comment
flower99 Posted March 18, 2008 Share Posted March 18, 2008 I also agree that there is no difference having feelings for a woman than there is for a man. It means she is not committed to you as she should be - the gender of the person she is lusting after is irrelevant. If I were you I would break up with her and find someone who understands what committed relationships are about. ^^ I agree And I am a married bi women. (by bi, i mean I am attracted to women, however I am fully committed & Love my husband thereforeee I choose to control my feelings & focus them souly on my husband) Link to comment
flower99 Posted March 18, 2008 Share Posted March 18, 2008 But not being with her for so long would hurt me even more! for awhile, no doubt. It will hurt. But in the long run I think it's better to be with someone who is commited to you, loves you & only has eyes for you. Who's heart they will give fully to you as you do to them.... do you really want to be with someone who isn't commited to you?someone who is lusting after others? In my opinion That hurts a lot more now & in the long run. and perhaps after a few years you will realize that you want more...than you've suffered a lot of hurt for nothing. I'm not saying that will be the case, but I think you need to do a lot of thinking. And talk to her. Just don't settle for less than you want in a relationship. Do what's best for you, with the big picture in mind. Link to comment
ilovethatgirl Posted March 18, 2008 Author Share Posted March 18, 2008 she just tells me... that she thinks she might be bi... because she likes her friend... she used the word "like" instead of "attracted to" or something... and she tells me she doesnt WANT to have those feelings... she'd much rather just love me and that be the end of it... Link to comment
ilovethatgirl Posted March 18, 2008 Author Share Posted March 18, 2008 for awhile, no doubt. It would hurt. But in the long run I think it's better to be with someone who is commited to you, loves you & only has eyes for you. Who's heart they will give fully to you as you do to them. do you really want to be with someone who isn't commited to you?someone who is lusting after others? In my opinion That hurts a lot more in the long run. and perhaps after a few years you will realize that you want more...than you've suffered a lot of hurt for nothing. I'm not saying that will be the case, but I think you need to do a lot of thinking. And talk to her. Just don't settle for less than you want in a relationship. I dont think shes lusting after this person, she is midly attracted to her and she doesnt really want to be... and she... shes PERFECT for me!! she loves me so much... and until this she WAS totally committed to me... but last night... I just... she told me how depressed she was that she liked this girl... she was so concerned that I was so sad... FUKC I dont want to end it I love her too much!!!! just THINKING about life without her makes me start sobbing... Link to comment
ilovethatgirl Posted March 18, 2008 Author Share Posted March 18, 2008 DAMNIT even if I thought I should... I cant end it.... any advice on what to do if not ending it? because I know I just cant... Link to comment
doyathink Posted March 18, 2008 Share Posted March 18, 2008 not helping... *cries* ROFLOL...I'm sorry. I didnt mean to make you cry. Link to comment
teknoise Posted March 18, 2008 Share Posted March 18, 2008 People are attracted to other people all the time, whether they want to admit it or not. You can love someone with 100% of your heart and still be attracted to other people. Its all about control though, is she investing herself into these feelings for this other girl? Or is she keeping them at bay? Sounds likes shes trying to push those feelings away instead of growing them. The key for YOU is stay strong. Actively give her reasons to stay with you, don't sit around and pout because, heaven forbid, she finds someone else in the universe besides you attractive. If you are a good enough bf, she'll want to be with you and she'll choose you over the girl. What is it with this new generation of girls? Everyone is suddenly bi! no. this generation is just more sexually liberated than any other generation in recent history. Blurring the lines of sexuality is nothing new, and certainly not exclusive to western women, women in general, or men, or even humans for that matter! Bi-sexuality, though its not everybody's gig (personally I'm a good 95% straight) is far more common than people think, because for so long it was seen as an evil that people forced themselves to suppress their sexuality. Link to comment
agent1607307371 Posted March 18, 2008 Share Posted March 18, 2008 no. this generation is just more sexually liberated than any other generation in recent history. Blurring the lines of sexuality is nothing new, and certainly not exclusive to western women, women in general, or men, or even humans for that matter! Bi-sexuality, though its not everybody's gig (personally I'm a good 95% straight) is far more common than people think, because for so long it was seen as an evil that people forced themselves to suppress their sexuality. Thank you ilovethatgirl - is your gf 16 too? Basically, whether she ends up bi or not, you're both in your teens and that is when your body is going hormone mad. You have lots of crushes and everything is lighting up like a pinball mahine. She has a crush on her friend. Same sex crushes have always been incredibly common. It doesn't mean that she is not commited to you - if that were the case she would have ditched you and not be worried about the situation. If you don't think you can say something that won't come accross badly, don't say anything at all. Seriously, just be supportive and quiet. Another alt is to ask her not to dump these things on you. (As, imo, it's quite rude.) If she is bi, if she isn't, she's with you and she cares about you. Link to comment
Lucy__lou Posted March 18, 2008 Share Posted March 18, 2008 Generally, and especially with older couples, I'd be inclined to go along with the comment that her having feelings for her female friend is just the same as if she had feelings for a guy friend, and that she should not feed those thoughts. But as she's young, and as this is also to do with her identity, she's probably allowed the attraction to take over her mind than she might have had it been a guy. (It's an exciting discovery which is going to expand her world in future years, so it's understandable that she might let her feelings go too far), but that's what's happened, she's let her feelings go too far. I agree with ilovethatgirl who said she shouldn't expect to be able to dump this stuff on you. Let her know it hurts you and that you're afraid of losing her. My advice is to be a bit understanding, since this is an identity thing for her, but do let her know that it hurts you, and so she should try to make a decision of how she plans to proceed with this. Is it a close friend? will it be a big deal if they stop hanging out? Link to comment
lady00 Posted March 18, 2008 Share Posted March 18, 2008 I also agree that there is no difference having feelings for a woman than there is for a man. It means she is not committed to you as she should be - the gender of the person she is lusting after is irrelevant. If I were you I would break up with her and find someone who understands what committed relationships are about. I agree with this. She doesn't sound committed to you. People often do not want to break up because they love someone a lot but it doesn't mean you should always stay with someone just because you love them, especially if they are not committed to you. It's normal to be attracted to people even when you're in a relationship but if you are committed, you don't tell your boyfriend or girlfriend about it and it does not bother you as you know you're committed and want to be with whomever you're with and that it's only natural and human to be attracted to others from time to time. Link to comment
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