Open relationship question

[rosephase]

So I’ve asked a couple of questions about my poly relationship and have received good advice here. My only request is if you are just going to slam my lifestyle please save it for another thread. Any honest questions are more then welcome.

 

So here is the situation I have a secondary partner who I have been with for 4 months now. His primary partner broke up with him right as we started dating. He is now starting to date other people. We both are talking about when you bring up the poly thing to someone you are flirting with and how we can both make it easy on a girl who would be open to the idea of dating him, also be open to the idea that he has a girlfriend.

 

I’m just worried because even in a fairly large poly community here in Seattle I haven’t seen this situation work out that well. I understand that even if you are open in the first place coming into a preexisting relationship can be daunting. I guess I’m just looking for advice on how to be supportive and respectful of someone new in his life.

[ghost69]

treat them as your equal i guess. i've never been in this situation nor would i be open to doing it. that is as you say your thing.

 

but if the new person knows about the relationship and how it goes, you should just be as open as you were with the last girl.

[jsx730]

Well, this is a rough situation.

 

I'm in an open relationship, not really a poly relationship though. We don't have secondary "relationships", its only physical.

 

My girlfriend has had a side thing with one of my buddies for awhile, and he's been single for awhile. We've all kinda just figured that if he found someone and started dating them, then anything physical between him and my girlfriend would stop.

 

The only way around your situation would be if he limited his dating pool to those openly involved in the lifestyle. Otherwise, I don't think it's very likely that he'll find a girl thats ok with him maintaining a relationship with you.

[rosephase]

Yeah that is kind of what I feel to. But I don't want to limit him. He is already having a few sexual relationships with a couple of people. But I don't think he is too happy with out a primary partner. And I know it's going to be hard to find some one who is okay with me. He says he isn't interested in anyone who wouldn't be open to having me in his life...but I think he might be setting him self up for failure.

[ghost69]

Yeah that is kind of what I feel to. But I don't want to limit him. He is already having a few sexual relationships with a couple of people. But I don't think he is too happy with out a primary partner. And I know it's going to be hard to find some one who is okay with me. He says he isn't interested in anyone who wouldn't be open to having me in his life...but I think he might be setting him self up for failure.

 

so i'm assuming you can't be his primary?

[rosephase]

no, I have a primary partner who I have been with for 2 and a half years. Some people are more open to the triad thing but I don’t think it’s not something we are looking for.

[ghost69]

maybe you need to leave the scene until he finds another primary?

[ycmanvs]

He needs to be upfront about his situation. Is he looking for a primary? If so, then she will not be threatened by you, since you already have a primary. As long as he explains that he is poly, then there should be no problems.

[RelaxByWater84]

Could you, please, explain the open relationship terms to me such as primary, secondary etc.?

[rosephase]

It's a good choice, but Craig wouldn't like that. (He is my secondary) I've offered and he wasn't a fan of the idea. I don't really want to ether. So it's hard to talk myself into it. I enjoy our time together so much I don’t want to lose it. He says I am preparing for the worst, which I am, but I hate to think that my relationship with him is keeping him form a primary relationship which I know he wants.

[jsx730]

I don't see any other options other than:

 

1. Limiting himself to the lifestyle community.

2. Dealing with the fact that 95% of chicks he meets normally won't be ok with it, and getting turned down.

3. Breaking it off with you.

 

This whole non-monogomy thing gets so complicated =/

[RayKay]

I think it is best in these kind of cases to mingle with people whom feel the same way - via other groups, specialty dating sites or what have you where you know the people are more open to it.

 

This is not the same, but shows the point. I know of people for example whom found out the hard way that their new partner they just met was into some very, very kinky stuff - not just light BDSM but some more hardcore things or even some disturbing for most people kinda things (and they did not have much of a say in it before the realized what was going on). To me that just seems unfair, and should be either KNOWN beforehand or discussed in some way. I think the same extends to poly relationships.

 

I don't know, it just seems to me that most women looking for a partner, unless they ARE actively meeting via such a group, would be not as keen on getting into this kind of relationship (I for example would not be and as soon as I found out what they were looking for would be out of there) and it seems to me it would be best to meet people via sites or other resources directed at the community (or heck, even craiglist

[rosephase]

Could you, please, explain the open relationship terms to me such as primary, secondary etc.?

 

Um, it's kind of different for everyone. But for us, I live with my primary partner. We share finances and when I move accross the country he will be the one who comes with me. We both have secondary partners who we see on a regular basis. I have a date with Craig a couple of times a month and we run in the same social circles so I see him or get lunch with him a few times a week. The same goes for my partner’s partner. If you want to make it really complicated you can add 3rd partners (tertiary) which are more like friends with benefits.

[ycmanvs]

It's a good choice, but Craig wouldn't like that. (He is my secondary) I've offered and he wasn't a fan of the idea. I don't really want to ether. So it's hard to talk myself into it. I enjoy our time together so much I don’t want to lose it. He says I am preparing for the worst, which I am, but I hate to think that my relationship with him is keeping him form a primary relationship which I know he wants.

 

I think that if he explains that you are not a primary and that you have your own primary, then it will be easier for him to find someone.

[angelsoft]

rosephase,

 

I have heard of these kind of relationships before. I think I actually first saw them on the Tyra Banks show. It's called Polyamory, I think? I don't think I could handle being in this kind of relationship for myself, but if you are than more power to you. Who am I or anyone else to judge another persons lifestyle. I do have a few questions that I was always curious about.

 

1. Is children an option for all of you? How does that work? Who gets to have kids? Do you all get to have children?

 

2. Does this mean that you are allowed to have as many boyfriends as you want too?

 

3. Since he has all these girlfriends, does that mean you sleep with these other girlfriends?? How does that work?

[ghost69]

so this is basically swinging without a wedding ring on?

[rosephase]

rosephase,

 

 

1. Is children an option for all of you? How does that work? Who gets to have kids? Do you all get to have children?

 

2. Does this mean that you are allowed to have as many boyfriends as you want too?

 

3. Since he has all these girlfriends, does that mean you sleep with these other girlfriends?? How does that work?

 

 

I don't want to have kids, but I know a lot of poly people who want to or do have children so yes there is a way to do it.

 

Basically I can date who ever I want. As long as my partners feel okay about the new person. It's slow going most of the time. But it's well worth it, for me at least.

 

Both of my partners have other sex partners. I sleep with one of them. I would be open to more, maybe as I get to know them. It really depends on the person.

[rosephase]

so this is basically swinging without a wedding ring on?

No you would be surprise there isn't a lot of casual sex. It's a lot more about love relationships. It's not exactly "wife swapping" Most swingers stay away from poly couples. And the other way around.

[JadedStar]

I think he should find his dating candidates on dating sites that are geared toward the lifestyle to make it easier for all involved. That might really freak a girl out for her to get to liking him and then he reveal that.

[ghost69]

No you would be surprise there isn't a lot of casual sex. It's a lot more about love relationships. It's not exactly "wife swapping" Most swingers stay away from poly couples. And the other way around.

 

interesting. i find this intriguing now. you say love partners? so you aren't really in love with your primary then?

[rosephase]

I think he should find his dating candidates on dating sites that are geared toward the lifestyle to make it easier for all involved. That might really freak a girl out for her to get to liking him and then he reveal that.

 

 

I agree. But part of the problem is he isn't open. Which means most people he sees day to day don't know. So if someone starts flirting with him he doesn't know when you say "by the way I'm seeing someone but its okay we are open" and really how creepy does that sound?

[rosephase]

interesting. i find this intriguing now. you say love partners? so you aren't really in love with your primary then?

 

 

I'm completely in love with my primary. He is the light of my life and all that other corny crap. I adore him. He is in love with me, and his wonderful beautiful girl friend and one of my best friends Joy. I also am in love with Craig. Crazy huh?

[angelsoft]

I don't want to have kids, but I know a lot of poly people who want to or do have children so yes there is a way to do it.

 

Basically I can date who ever I want. As long as my partners feel okay about the new person. It's slow going most of the time. But it's well worth it, for me at least.

 

Both of my partners have other sex partners. I sleep with one of them. I would be open to more, maybe as I get to know them. It really depends on the person.

 

Are you worried about STD's? Do you think you are at higher risk of contracting one or more?

[rosephase]

Are you worried about STD's? Do you think you are at higher risk of contracting one or more?

 

Of course. All sexually active people are. All you can do is be good about full discloser, get tested and practice safer sex.

[ycmanvs]

I agree. But part of the problem is he isn't open. Which means most people he sees day to day don't know. So if someone starts flirting with him he doesn't know when you say "by the way I'm seeing someone but its okay we are open" and really how creepy does that sound?

 

Well, he really NEEDS to be open about it because if he is not, people get the wrong impression and they may not understand the dynamic of your relationship. That is why it is best to date within the poly community.

All he has to say is that he is not exclusive. Most people do not have that talk right away anyway.