male commitment

[bulletproof]

That's not true. I am a commitment-phobic so I can speak on this. When someone is commitment-phobic there is no right person for them. Finding the right person would not make my commitment-phobia go away.

 

Like I said, it's not true for every person. I am just pointing out that I rarely hear it from guys. I will add you to the list of people I've heard it from, though.

 

Also, how do you know that you just haven't met the right person, and you only think you have? There's that to consider, also. Maybe if it was the right person, you'd have had no qualms whatsoever. Since we don't know for a fact that this wasn't the case, I'm not sure how you can be 100% certain that it was a commitment fear on your part.

[bulletproof]

You make some good points but, I consider monogamy to go hand in hand with commitment, don't you? To me it seems as though the biological reason you gave would say why they aren't as committal...although I don't know if I agree with that either...to me its like letting certain men get off scott free because its "in their nature" or something.

 

Monogamy *theoretically* goes hand in hand with commitment. But lots of people 'commit' (get married, live together, make promises, etc.) and then cheat, thus they are not monogamous. There's a difference.

 

While I don't like that nature plays a part in these things, I wouldn't consider it letting them get off scott free. Just more of an explanation of why things might happen. Plus, I, as an individual, don't have to let anyone get away with anything!

[Gratsy]

Monogamy *theoretically* goes hand in hand with commitment. But lots of people 'commit' (get married, live together, make promises, etc.) and then cheat, thus they are not monogamous. There's a difference.

 

While I don't like that nature plays a part in these things, I wouldn't consider it letting them get off scott free. Just more of an explanation of why things might happen. Plus, I, as an individual, don't have to let anyone get away with anything!

 

 

A lot of things are in our nature...I think its human nature to get as much as you can have...thats both male and female.

 

Anyhow, with what you've said...what should a single woman do with that kind of information?

[lady00]

Very interesting discussion! I am a woman and I used to be really commitment-focused when I was in my late teens and up until very recently (early 20s). I'm not saying I wanted to get married, but I was definitely looking for long-term relationships and I even thought I would be married by my mid-20s. Now I am becoming much less interested in dating and in commitment and I don't think I will be again until my early 30s. For me, my reasoning is that I am not ready to start making joint decisions with anyone. Of the serious couples I know that are my age, they are already planning on what city they are going to live in and are trying to find jobs that will allow them to be in the same place. I am nowhere near being ready to make those kinds of decisions with anyone. I still need to establish some things on my own before I bring someone else into the mix and start making joint decisions that will greatly impact both of our lives. I think when I was younger, all of the complexities of commitment did not really occur to me and I didn't realize that I was nowhere near being ready for what I thought I wanted. I am still a romantic at heart, but I am no longer able to romanticize commitment. I know that it will be great some time (a long time!) down the line when I am in a place in my life when it makes sense to be committed.

 

I used to be a firm believer in the idea that it's about who you're with that determines whether you're able to make a commitment. Now I don't think that way at all. I think that is only a small part of it. I think there are many people in the world I could be compatible with and since I haven't met many of them yet, I have no idea for sure. To me, timing is incredibly important, perhaps even more important than who I'm with.

 

Looking back on things, I am pretty sure that scared off my fair share of men by being at a more advanced stage of commitment than the men I was with.

 

So I guess I don't know if the commitment thing is really a gender thing. It might just be an experience and timing thing.

 

I recently met someone who is commitment-oriented (I think if this is how a person truly is, it's hard to hide it...it just comes through in how they act or in conversation, even if they are not trying to do it overtly) and I am treading lightly because I don't think I can offer anyone any type of commitment anytime soon.

[annie24]

^^^^^^^^ wow, you sound exactly like me and how i feel! good to know there are others that feel the same way.

[tylercdurden2004]

I am really curious as to why committment is such a topic for people. To commit to not commit?

 

Maybe this is why many marriages end up in the gutter? Too many people focussed to much on committmen both being committed and not being committed.

[annie24]

I am really curious as to why committment is such a topic for people. To commit to not commit?

 

Maybe this is why many marriages end up in the gutter? Too many people focussed to much on committmen both being committed and not being committed.

 

oh, there is just huge societal pressure to get married and have a family and all that.... one day, everyone is single, and the next thing you know, you are buying 8 different wedding presents and going to 8 different weddings, for everyone in your social circle.... and you don't even have a date to any of these weddings! i guess it's like other societal pressures, like graduating from high school or college or buying a home or car.

 

i agree - this is probably a reason why so many marriages wind up in the gutter. much like how many people go to college, but then wind up in a job where they didn't even need that degree to get that job. or they find out they really like something else, and then go back to school for a different degree.

[tylercdurden2004]

oh, there is just huge societal pressure to get married and have a family and all that.... one day, everyone is single, and the next thing you know, you are buying 8 different wedding presents and going to 8 different weddings, for everyone in your social circle.... and you don't even have a date to any of these weddings! i guess it's like other societal pressures, like graduating from high school or college or buying a home or car.

 

i agree - this is probably a reason why so many marriages wind up in the gutter. much like how many people go to college, but then wind up in a job where they didn't even need that degree to get that job. or they find out they really like something else, and then go back to school for a different degree.

 

Yeah it really got me thinking. I mean if someone asks you if why your not married and you say you are not ready for a committment does that mean there is a special thing that has to happen inside of you?

 

Does it mean that committment entails the same behaviours, lifstyle etc for everyone everywhere. Could committment be different for different people, with in the spectrum of commitment?

 

Maybe people confuse committment with monogamy?

 

I have to go to work now so I will think about this more and post later.

[lady00]

Yeah it really got me thinking. I mean if someone asks you if why your not married and you say you are not ready for a committment does that mean there is a special thing that has to happen inside of you?

 

Does it mean that committment entails the same behaviours, lifstyle etc for everyone everywhere. Could committment be different for different people, with in the spectrum of commitment?

 

Maybe people confuse committment with monogamy?

 

I have to go to work now so I will think about this more and post later.

 

I think everyone's definition of commitment is different. For me, it entails making major life decisions with someone else's wishes and needs in mind and making joint decisions with someone else about important things. For me commitment is beyond loving someone. In my mind, it's a mixture of loving someone and making rational decisions about certain aspects of my life with that person, together with that person. I don't usually date more than one person at a time, so for me it isn't about monogamy, it's just about having a serious relationship in which we make decisions together and probably in which we live together, as opposed to being with someone and having fun but not taking things to that level of seriousness.

[annie24]

Yeah it really got me thinking. I mean if someone asks you if why your not married and you say you are not ready for a committment does that mean there is a special thing that has to happen inside of you?

 

Does it mean that committment entails the same behaviours, lifstyle etc for everyone everywhere. Could committment be different for different people, with in the spectrum of commitment?

 

Maybe people confuse committment with monogamy?

 

I have to go to work now so I will think about this more and post later.

 

if someone were to ask me why i am still single, my response would be, 'i haven't met mr. right yet.' but that's kind of a .... hm.... more complicated situation than just that. why have i not mr. right yet? it's due to many factors. instead of going to college, if i spent 60 hours a week looking for mr. right, would i be married by now? maybe. what if instead of going to the gym or taking up hobbies, i spent that time to search online ads for men and writing back responses. maybe i would have met him then. however, i am a more interesting person and a better potential partner for having an education and hobbies and having traveled.... and has been shown, the more education a person has, the longer they take to get married. partially because they are focused on their education, partially because they don't have the financial resources to marry, and maybe because they don't have the time to date with their studies.

 

well, instead of marrying mr. right, what else have i been doing? dating plenty of mr. wrongs. some mr. wrongs you date because you don't know the difference yet between a good match and a bad match, or a good person for you and a bad person for you. it's a learning process, one in which you are getting to know yourself. plenty of people date people who are unavailable, and that is probably an indicator that they aren't looking for a committment, or that they are not emotionally healthy. take for example, the woman dating a married man, waiting for him to leave his wife. most of the time, they don't leave the wives. and the other woman just sits there and wishes he would leave her. now, if this woman really wanted a committment and relationship, she would be better off finding a single man. which makes you think that maybe she is protecting herself from getting into a serious relationship by pursuing unavailable men.

 

and of course, i'm probably also single due to just not having come accross mr. right at the right time. maybe i've met him before, but he was in a relationship, but 5 years from now, he will be single and our paths will cross again. part of it is just luck and timing.

 

so, i guess in a way, a special thing does have to happen, to some degree - you have to figure out who you are, what you are looking for, and be receptive to it.

[bulletproof]

A lot of things are in our nature...I think its human nature to get as much as you can have...thats both male and female.

 

Anyhow, with what you've said...what should a single woman do with that kind of information?

 

I agree that humans instinctively want more, but I think what they want more of differs between males and females.

 

I guess you just take that information and file it in the back of the mind, to be aware of the inner workings of men and women.

[love4life]

Annie, I think your most recent post shows how a person could be labeled "commitmentphobic." As I said in an earlier post, "phobia" is not a good term for it. It's about priorities, as you just demonstrated - many people (both men and women) are focused on school, work, hobbies, health, you name it. They're busy exploring the world and people - they have a lust for life and don't want to stop finding new things. So someone of the opposite sex coming into the picture and suddenly bringing thoughts of marriage and partnership to mind are only going to be a distraction. Commitment, marriage, serious relationships - these are things you open yourself to. And when you open yourself to it, you open yourself to accepting another person, despite their flaws. You also stop wondering if there's someone "better" because you realize there's no such thing.

 

I think I may be a perfect case in point. I have an ex who I was with for 2 years. He was marriage-minded - he really had his life organized and he even brought up the subject once asking when I wanted to get married (not to him specifically.) My response was, "To you?!" OUCH! The whole relationship I pulled away, for various reasons, mainly because I thought he wasn't a good match. I always noticed his flaws and things that annoyed me; I rarely appreciated the good in him (even though he was by my side when my father died and helped me through that, I didn't fully appreciate it). When it finally ended I was just relieved to be out of it. Looking back now (after recently having my heart broken by a different man) I see my approach to that previous relationship, and more specifically to that man, differently. At the time, I assumed he just wasn't right for me due to all the things that annoyed me about him. For some reason, he and I remained friends. He's been in a relationship now for 2 1/2years, but lately, since gaining some perspective after my last relationship and realizing what I want, I actually see how good a person he is and just what he has to offer. I told him recently, "I appreciate you more now" after my recent heartbreak. I think his GF is one very lucky girl, though a couple years ago all I could think was, "What does she see in him?!" I was just thinking the other night, if he wasn't taken, I'd be interested in pursuing that again. Just goes to show how your state of mind and personal experiences can change your perspective of a person.

 

And with that being said, I firmly believe that commitment is more about the timing and being open to it and appreciating what you have, and not about whether or not the other person meets a laundry list of must-haves and must-not-haves. There's a sense of gratitude for and acceptance of life that comes with opening yourself to commitment and it's gratitude and acceptance that extend beyond the other person, and into other aspects of life, as well. You find that you no longer have a need to explore, learn new things, meet new people, etc. Wanderlust dies out and you suddenly find yourself at peace and happy with everything you have. That's when you know you're ready for a commitment.

[tylercdurden2004]

I dont really like the committment phobia deal myself. I also have trouble with the "I am busy now and dont want a relationship" thing.

 

You mentioned that you felt he wasnt right for you and that may still hold true. You will never know unless you are with him right? Being on the outside its always easier to look and say thats what I want.

 

But when people say they have other plans and dont want a person or relationship to get in the way I think is equally missing the boat. Whoes to say the person that comes along has to get in the way. Its entirely possible that you can be busty concentrating what you want to do whether its school or something else and for a person to come along that just fits. From what I have seen not all people who want a committment are crazed loons looking to stifle and entrap.

 

I would be a prime example of someone who is"too busy" for a relationship. I have up until a fex weeks ago I had not spent a single year in one country for the last 6 years. I am now on the move again. I can say "yeah I dont want a relationship because it will stifle me or prevent me from achieving what I want."

 

But why put those self limiting thoughts on myself?

[love4life]

I doubt you are putting self-limiting thoughts on yourself - I don't think it's ever a conscious decision, it's just not in the forefront of your mind. But obviously you're not going to settle down into a marriage and having kids if you want to continue exploring the world.

[Batya33]

I agree that having kids puts somewhat of a damper on exploring the world but marriage doesn't need to.

[tylercdurden2004]

I doubt you are putting self-limiting thoughts on yourself - I don't think it's ever a conscious decision, it's just not in the forefront of your mind. But obviously you're not going to settle down into a marriage and having kids if you want to continue exploring the world.

 

Sure kids might put a damper on it for the mean time. Until they are ready to be dragged all over Hells half acre!

 

But thats still a self limiting belief. I could have kids and have a wife who doesnt mind me taking off for a few weeks or months at a time couldnt I?

 

And honestly my work entails that at the moment. So any girl that comes into my life will have to be willing to move to strange and foreign places, some with very different cultures. She will have to be willing to accept that I may be out of the house for a few weeks at a time on business.

 

Surely there are women out there like that? Airlines stewardesses have similar schedules.

 

My point is if you say "no absolutely not" then that is a self limiting belief.

[love4life]

Sure kids might put a damper on it for the mean time. Until they are ready to be dragged all over Hells half acre!

 

But thats still a self limiting belief. I could have kids and have a wife who doesnt mind me taking off for a few weeks or months at a time couldnt I?

 

And honestly my work entails that at the moment. So any girl that comes into my life will have to be willing to move to strange and foreign places, some with very different cultures. She will have to be willing to accept that I may be out of the house for a few weeks at a time on business.

 

Surely there are women out there like that? Airlines stewardesses have similar schedules.

 

My point is if you say "no absolutely not" then that is a self limiting belief.

 

Sounds like you know who you are and what you want. I think that's a better "test". I'm currently looking for work in the international development industry that will have me travelling, too. But I want a companion, as well.

 

What I should have said is that a person who isn't going to commit is the person who doesn't know what they want - they're so busy "looking" for something in work, hobbies, friends, etc. that would make them feel fulfilled - that they can't appreciate what they have right now. Once you can accept who you are, what you have and what you want, THEN you know you're ready to let someone else in. The key is finding someone else on that same page.

[StretchGee]

Gratsy: Are you seeking out and dating men that are unavailable and/or projecting your own subconscious fear of commitment onto them. This allows you to be the victim and not have to face your own fears. Do you date only “men with bright looks in their eyes, energy, and thin waists” because they are playboys and you can remain safe knowing that they are just as commitment-avoidant as you are?

[tylercdurden2004]

Sounds like you know who you are and what you want. I think that's a better "test". I'm currently looking for work in the international development industry that will have me travelling, too. But I want a companion, as well.

 

What I should have said is that a person who isn't going to commit is the person who doesn't know what they want - they're so busy "looking" for something in work, hobbies, friends, etc. that would make them feel fulfilled - that they can't appreciate what they have right now. Once you can accept who you are, what you have and what you want, THEN you know you're ready to let someone else in. The key is finding someone else on that same page.

 

Ack! Who told you the secret?

 

Still even if you dont know who you are maybe that person who comes along somehow trigger you to suddenly realize who you are. Never say never.

 

Seriously though I like what you wrote. Its very thought provoking and I think on the mark.

 

And if you find a job in international development then come look me up.....so you can buy me a drink!

[TMinCali]

Personally, I believe that men that are afraid of commitment are actually afraid of love and all the responsibilities that comes with it. I think it's a maturity thing.

 

Men hide behind the "I'm just not ready" in order to stay in their "safe zone" where they won't have to experience the possibility of getting hurt and possibly divorced.

 

Men that are emotionally mature are in fact open to commitment. Gatsby, perhaps you are meeting the wrong men.

 

My ex is emotionally immature. He has such a negative outlook when it comes to relationships. I believe he was hurt deeply in a prevoius relationship which now gives him this skewed perspective on what a healthy, loving relationship really is.

 

It's pretty sad actually. I feel very sorry for people that are afraid to commit. They keep saying that "some day" they'll be ready, and the truth is, once their ready, they're going to find it harder and harder to fine the right "one" because it will be then that THEY are the ones seeming desperate to get married.

 

Ahhh Murphy's Law... don't you just love it?