Kalika Posted January 13, 2008 Share Posted January 13, 2008 I recently met this guy that seems to really like me. He calls every day to talk, plans dates, etc... only problem is, he's not physically the kind of guy I'm attracted to. I wish I was more attracted to him!! He's so smart, hard working, and kind.. He's perfect for me!! But he's too short for me, and doesn't have the kind of face that turns me on. We've been on three dates and I can't even kiss the poor guy. Should I just go for it, even if he doesn't physically do it for me ..?? I never meet nice guys like him so I'm scared to lose him over something so shallow but I can't help how I feel Am I just expecting too much in a partner? Is personality and security more important than a pretty face?? Advice please Link to comment
eurocar Posted January 13, 2008 Share Posted January 13, 2008 Nah, it's not shallow... it's human nature and biological. If you aren't physically attracted now, can you see yourself being with him for months, possibly years? That sounds pretty horrible. Sounds like he's a better friend than a romantic partner. If I'm not physically attracted to a girl or guy, I don't see the point. Link to comment
Batya33 Posted January 13, 2008 Share Posted January 13, 2008 To keep myself sane in unfortunate situations like that, I made a "rule" for myself that if by date four I didn't have the desire to kiss him I wouldn't see him again. I never regretted a decision I made like that other than in the "too bad - he was such a good guy." I am fortunate in that I don't really have a "type" and my attraction doesn't shut off just because of a physical trait that might not be at first glance for me. Usually the issue was just chemistry - the man was at least presentable looking if not handsome but we just didn't click. Good luck...... Link to comment
Sn0man Posted January 13, 2008 Share Posted January 13, 2008 Attraction is important in any relationship. If you don't have it for him now you certainly won't later. Link to comment
Katherine1607307710 Posted January 13, 2008 Share Posted January 13, 2008 I guess you could ask yourself how you would feel if the tables were turned and someone who you liked found you physically unattractive but forced themselves to put up with your unattractiveness? Probably not fair on him if you do that. Personally, I don't need a person to be aesthetically attractive to find them sexually attractive. I once had the same problem as you do, (a very charming but not very good looking person) and over time the attraction grew and I found the person to be one of the hottest people I've ever known. (too bad it took me so long, because I wasted a lot of time not flirting). All you can do is be honest with your feelings. For me if there's no desire to pounce, I simply don't. It's a no brainer. Link to comment
Batya33 Posted January 13, 2008 Share Posted January 13, 2008 I will add that in one case, I was friendly with someone for over a year - we saw each other socially in groups a few times and spoke on the phone a few times. Then we emailed about once a week or so for a few months (a mutual friend was on a year long world tour) and never once did I think of him "that way." Just didn't occur to me. And, he had a physical trait that typically turned me off. we went on one non-date alone - and I thought hmmmm perhaps..... but nothing strong. Then on date two, boom, tons of chemistry, many sparks. So, sometimes it does take time and maybe the right mindset to "see" what is right in front of you. Link to comment
Snoopy24 Posted January 13, 2008 Share Posted January 13, 2008 Looks draws a person in at first..but personality is what keeps them there. Link to comment
Snoopy24 Posted January 13, 2008 Share Posted January 13, 2008 When I met my ex of 3 years I thought he was he wasn't good looking at all. no where near my type. I got to know him, and he had such a great personality I actually was physically attracted to him. and the other way around. I have met such gorgeous people with bad attitudes, and it makes them look physically ugly to me as well. Link to comment
Kalika Posted January 13, 2008 Author Share Posted January 13, 2008 That's what everyone says Snoopy .. and I used to be that way too.. I dated a lot of very average looking guys.. so I don't know why I can't just muster up some physical attraction for him. He's amazing.. he really shows me that he cares about me and is thinking of me... I just wish he came in a different package. Link to comment
Snoopy24 Posted January 13, 2008 Share Posted January 13, 2008 That's what everyone says Snoopy .. and I used to be that way too.. I dated a lot of very average looking guys.. so I don't know why I can't just muster up some physical attraction for him. He's amazing.. he really shows me that he cares about me and is thinking of me... I just wish he came in a different package. I think if he is a truly genuine nice guy like you say, and he isn't hideous looking, you will end up liking him more. I mean maybe not, but if you enjoy his company, hang out with him a few more times, and see where it goes. Don't force yourself to like him. If it's not there-it's not there. It doesn't make you shallow at all. But I wouldn't cut it off quite yet. Link to comment
Sn0man Posted January 13, 2008 Share Posted January 13, 2008 Just don't try to force yourself to be attracted to him. That won't help anybody. I recently read a post where this guy married his friend who he wasn't attracted to to begin with. They're great friends but no attraction so now after several years of marriage they're going through a divorce. These things happen because they've forced themselves to be attracted to people they have no attraction for because they like other qualities in the person. I don't know - maybe don't quit on him just yet but keep in mind what I said. Link to comment
eurocar Posted January 13, 2008 Share Posted January 13, 2008 Maybe it's different for us guys, but I wouldn't even be interested in a chick or guy (I am bi) unless they were physically attractive. Link to comment
CaptainPlanet Posted January 13, 2008 Share Posted January 13, 2008 Personally I think we should all aim to have not good looking partners. They will treat you a lot better. If we all try to go out with good looking people, good looking people start to treat everyone badly and we all end up unhappy - including good looking people, because their standards get too high and their spoiled so cannot ever be satisfied. Link to comment
CaptainPlanet Posted January 13, 2008 Share Posted January 13, 2008 I recently met this guy that seems to really like me. He calls every day to talk, plans dates, etc... only problem is, he's not physically the kind of guy I'm attracted to. I wish I was more attracted to him!! He's so smart, hard working, and kind.. He's perfect for me!! But he's too short for me, and doesn't have the kind of face that turns me on. We've been on three dates and I can't even kiss the poor guy. Should I just go for it, even if he doesn't physically do it for me ..?? I never meet nice guys like him so I'm scared to lose him over something so shallow but I can't help how I feel Am I just expecting too much in a partner? Is personality and security more important than a pretty face?? Advice please I think you should ignore everything you've said apart from the bits in bold. Keep going out with him you will be much happier in the end. Link to comment
CaptainPlanet Posted January 13, 2008 Share Posted January 13, 2008 I guess you could ask yourself how you would feel if the tables were turned and someone who you liked found you physically unattractive but forced themselves to put up with your unattractiveness? Probably not fair on him if you do that. Personally, I don't need a person to be aesthetically attractive to find them sexually attractive. I once had the same problem as you do, (a very charming but not very good looking person) and over time the attraction grew and I found the person to be one of the hottest people I've ever known. (too bad it took me so long, because I wasted a lot of time not flirting). All you can do is be honest with your feelings. For me if there's no desire to pounce, I simply don't. It's a no brainer. PERSONALLY I'd feel awesome that someone likes me that much. Then I'd be happy because I get to go out with a better looking person. Link to comment
JeckyllNHyde Posted January 13, 2008 Share Posted January 13, 2008 Well, my current bf he isn't my usual "type". I mean I am open to diffrent types as long as the attraction is there but I never really seemed to be attracted to 1. tall guys and 2. guys who where "big"/somewhat overweight. I go for guys who have a cute face overall though, it's more important to me. Well, first few times I bumped into him here and there (about 2-3 times) I wasn't sure if I was attracted to him even though I liked his character VERY MUCH. We clicked. Then we went on a few dates. Date 1 not at all, but by date 3 I noticed I was extremely attracted to him and was completely overlooking his body type. There was so much sexual tension in the air by date 3. It took the 5th date when I FINALLY kissed him and it was great. I don't think I have ever had such an overall connection with someone and he treats me really well (and vice versa). If your not feeling ANYthing by date 4-5 then I would give it up. If your feeling somewhat attracted to him go for him. You can't be with someone you don't think is the best catch for you though. Your probably just going to end up breaking it off as soon as someone better comes along or checking out guys you would rather be with. It's human nature. Go for someone who you consider your best match, don't settle for him just b/c he is nice and your willing to over look the attraction factor. Link to comment
MushroomGod Posted January 13, 2008 Share Posted January 13, 2008 I need both. I've been with very attractive girls and would get bored or find them unfulfilling cerebrally or the other way around. I'm just picky I guess. Link to comment
MushroomGod Posted January 13, 2008 Share Posted January 13, 2008 I think you should ignore everything you've said apart from the bits in bold. Keep going out with him you will be much happier in the end. I don't agree at all. He's not perfect if the physical attraction isn't there. You may think its sad but true. Link to comment
Batya33 Posted January 13, 2008 Share Posted January 13, 2008 I don't agree at all. He's not perfect if the physical attraction isn't there. You may think its sad but true. I agree that he's not perfect for her as a romantic partner if there's no physical attraction but I believe in giving that at least 4 dates or so to see if attraction develops. One happily married person I know said that while she had a nice time on her first 4-5 dates with her husband she didn't feel a spark until afterwards and when she did the chemistry was great, they fell in love, were very happy, etc. Obviously not everyone needs physical attraction for a happy marriage - i am certain there are many happy arranged marriages for example where there is no physical attraction and marriages where the attraction dies but the couple are happy. But for the OP (like me!) it is essential for a romantic relationship. i was never happy dating someone who I wasn't into, just because he was into me, at least as an adult. As a teenager it was very exciting to have a boy be interested in me in its own right whether or not I liked him was secondary. Glad I grew up. Link to comment
Kalika Posted January 13, 2008 Author Share Posted January 13, 2008 Maybe it's just me though.. I always talk myself out of liking guys, and I alway tell myself that most of the guys I'm going out with are "ehhhh, average" at best... I dunno what's wrong w/ me. I used to be able to fall in love regardless. Link to comment
CaptainPlanet Posted January 13, 2008 Share Posted January 13, 2008 You might be better off in the long run dating someone physically not as attractive but who is a perfect match for otherwise. Link to comment
Mavh25 Posted January 13, 2008 Share Posted January 13, 2008 Attraction is important in any relationship. If you don't have it for him now you certainly won't later. I disagree, me and my boyfriend were'nt attracted to eachother atall at first in fact we sort of did'nt really like eachother in general either, but we got to know eachother, and now he's the most gorgeous thing on the planet to me I believe attraction can grow Link to comment
Kalika Posted January 13, 2008 Author Share Posted January 13, 2008 I feel bad though.. what if we do go out again for a fourth date, or a fifth .. and I still can't kiss him, because I can tell he really does like me.. and I'm afraid that if I do kiss him, it'll just make it worse if I have to turn around and tell him I really can't be with him. He's making it really hard.. I have a work meeting later tonight and it's close to his parents' house, and he just called and offered to bring me food before the meeting so I wouldn't be hungry.. am I really stupid for not being interested?! He's the first guy in a long time that actually wants to take care of me a little bit instead of expecting me to take care of them!!! Link to comment
Altruist Posted January 13, 2008 Share Posted January 13, 2008 It's probably not so much his physical unattractiveness but the fact that he is too nice that is killing the chemistry. Overly nice people can appear to be dull and boring in a relationship and that can kill the spark. Maybe you should give him some time so that he gets comfortable around you. Link to comment
JeckyllNHyde Posted January 13, 2008 Share Posted January 13, 2008 Your not stupid for not being attracted. I know! It's frustrating as heck! When you have such a freakin great catch and you just don't have any feelings. I would suggest kissing him and seeing if maybe there are feelings there but yea, he may end up getting hurt if you decided there aren't. So it may be best not to since he already likes you. But to me, height and a cute face are a big deal. If he is too short as in, shorter then you, ok, I see that MAYBE being a small problem. But the cute face thing.. Your gonna be looking at him all the time and kissing that face. So.. I don't think this will work. Hate to say it. I also agree with the above poster. ^^^ It could also be a factor. Link to comment
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