Male Midlife Crisis in Late 30's

[trident]

So I'm a 38 year old unmarried guy. No relationship at the moment & not really looking for one. I have a career that I like, own a home, get along well with my family and have activities that fill out most of my days. And yet, I'm miserable. It seems to be more than a generic depression.

 

This feeling of general dissatisfaction with my life is overwhelming. I don't know what I want out of life, I don't know what my goals are, I don't know how to envision myself 10 years from now. I'm realizing that just having a woman in my life will just cover up the problem, not fix it. I'm irritiable as all hell. Even though I like my career, I hate going to work & have little motivation. After much thought, I can't even find anything that makes truly makes me happy. I'm just moving thru life.

 

After browsing the internet, I realize these are symptoms of the classic "male mid-life crisis". So how does one deal with this?

 

I'd like to hear from MEN that have been thru this phase of life. How did you struggle thru this mess and what worked for you. The insight would be helpful as I try to find my own way.

[lukeb]

I think your main problem is what we all are. We are thinkers, we think about everything. Your problem seems to be you are a negative thinker. You have all these positive things in your life, job, home family etc.., but still you think negatively about your general outlook on life.

 

It is not an easy fix but it is fixable. I would do some research online for now, google "self talk", get informed.

[Gath]

yep, mdlife crisis.

 

time to find a speedy little sports car. although i reccomend against an affair as its always "cheaper to keep her" when it comes to the wife.

 

I think you should go on a vacation with your wife, dump the kids off at grandpa's, and get reaquainted with your favorite parts of life.

[lukeb]

I think you should go on a vacation with your wife, dump the kids off at grandpa's, and get reaquainted with your favorite parts of life.

 

He said he wasn't in a relationship or looking for one.

 

If a speedy sportscar, a vacation is what he wants, and he can afford it, by all means go for it. Treat yourself, but I doubt if that would change his general outlook on life. He should think about thinking negatively as a bad habit like smoking and he needs to quit.

[Clementine orange]

He said he wasn't in a relationship or looking for one.

 

If a speedy sportscar, a vacation is what he wants, and he can afford it, by all means go for it. Treat yourself, but I doubt if that would change his general outlook on life. He should think about thinking negatively as a bad habit like smoking and he needs to quit.

 

This is true. No material thing is going to fill this void. He is "soul sick".

[trident]

Your problem seems to be you are a negative thinker.

 

If you're simplifying this as "negative thinking" then you clearly don't understand what I'm talking about nor have you been there yourself.

[trident]

I think you should go on a vacation ....

 

No wife. Besides this isn't a "we" issue. It's a "me" issue. Which is why I said a relationship would more likely mask this mood rather than ameliorate it.

[shes2smart]

Well...from what I've observed...most of my friends around my age (male and female) went through some life-reorganization as they got up to their 40th birthday.

 

My ex-college bf went from working in a psychology/social work field to selling insurance and got married.

 

I left a job I'd been in for 20 years and moved accross the state for a different job (same field) and seriously considered switching career fields. I also got married just after my 38th birthday.

 

Another friend left the broadcast biz and went to law school. He also got divorced.

 

And on and on it goes.

 

One of the challenges as we go into the second half of our lives is to find ways to keep things interesting. Have you considered seeking out the services of a counselor to help you sort this out? Perhaps a Life Coach or Career Coach would be a better choice than a traditional therapist-type for your situation.

 

After I moved here, I sought out a Career Coach to help me evaluate whether I wanted to stay in this line of work or find something else to do. Those sessions started off being about work, but ended up being all-encompassing and uncovering some interests I had but never thought of pursuing because I didn't want to work in those areas. Like -- I have a huge interest in cooking/food prep/catering-type things, but I don't want to work in that field. So, I found a place that offers a variety of one-shot cooking classes that are more affordable and make more sense for me (at this point in my life) than going to culinary school.

 

Seems to me that after a certain point in life, there's very little that is truly "new." It's up to us as individuals to seek out the experiences and people that keep our lives interesting and keep us into it. We cannot continue to plod along the same path we have for the first couple decades of our adult life and expect it to be any different.

[lukeb]

If you're simplifying this as "negative thinking" then you clearly don't understand what I'm talking about nor have you been there yourself.

 

 

Well ofcourse I don't know you that well, I can only go by what you have given us. But your above statement would be one exampe of negative thinking. Rather than having an open mind and seeing what this negative thought process is all about you are dismissing it outright. You really don't know me but you have already drawn the conclusion I have never been there and clearly don't know what I am talking about. Two negative thoughts almost instantly without barely giving it a thought, you have had so much practice, you have gotten very good at it.

 

Maybe try another approach, think about a time back before this mid life crisis, what was so different? Why was it that you were not struggling then but you are now. What are you doing so differently?

[Jeffrey2095]

Hi trident,

 

And yes, it sounds like you have hit mid-life doldrums.

 

Maybe what you need are some new hobbies, you know, do some of those things you just never got around to.

 

Oil painting, guitar, ceramics, there must be a thousand fulfilling things you haven't done.

 

I went back to school at age 37... that was ten years ago.

 

Now, in the last 5 years I have been a novelist, and am hoping to be published in the next couple years.

 

Until then, each finished book is an achievment I couldn't see doing ten years ago...

 

Jeff

[talo]

I have found that directly looking for new interests is not the way here; but rather, to inquire into what defines the current disinterest/misery/struggle. This, paradoxically, is a new interest.

 

This new interest is clarifying itself.

[trident]

... to inquire into what defines the current disinterest/misery/struggle.

 

I agree that this is a worthwhile endeavor and probably the core to resolving such a mid-life adjustment. Obviously, it's not any easy task since the feeling of dissatisfaction is so vague and all pervasive that there doesn't seem to be a single item that acts as a silver bullet in defining the situation.

 

I had initially decided to start small & simple, or so I thought, by focusing on what makes me happy. Oddly, after much thought I realized that although I enjoy many of the activities I take part in, they do do not make me truly happy.

Why is that? Good question. Something for me to ponder.

[talo]

I agree that this is a worthwhile endeavor and probably the core to resolving such a mid-life adjustment. Obviously, it's not any easy task since the feeling of dissatisfaction is so vague and all pervasive that there doesn't seem to be a single item that acts as a silver bullet in defining the situation.

What about your self? Do you not define your self, your situation?

 

I had initially decided to start small & simple, or so I thought, by focusing on what makes me happy. Oddly, after much thought I realized that although I enjoy many of the activities I take part in, they do do not make me truly happy.

Why is that? Good question. Something for me to ponder.

Yes, very good question.

 

A 'why' question presumes a 'because' answer. True happiness is not dependent on any whys or becauses, ie any conditions. True happiness is enjoyment (occupancy/possession) of no or all particular states/conditions.

[trident]

Do you not define your self, your situation?

 

Yes. One defines oneself. But the search for definition does not resolve itself instantly. It is very much a journey.

 

As for the situation. No. The situation is often defined by circumstances outside of one's control. The key to dealing with the circumstances is how one defines oneself within that situation. That again is not like a light bulb suddenly appearing over one's head.

 

 

True happiness is not dependent on any whys or becauses, ie any conditions. True happiness is enjoyment (occupancy/possession) of no or all particular states/conditions.

 

I do not disagree with this definition of "true happiness." It's the equivalent definition of "true love" - you can't quantify it, you just feel it.

 

As for the why/because relation, it does have validity. To go on a journey, you at least need to establish a direction first.

[talo]

One defines oneself. But the search for definition does not resolve itself instantly. It is very much a journey.

 

As for the situation. No. The situation is often defined by circumstances outside of one's control. The key to dealing with the circumstances is how one defines oneself within that situation. That again is not like a light bulb suddenly appearing over one's head.

This definition you give is your own definition of your own self in your own situation. This is entirely your own act, your own thought, your own placement.

 

I do not disagree with this definition of "true happiness." It's the equivalent definition of "true love" - you can't quantify it, you just feel it.

True happiness is not something that can be defined in order to be agreeable/disagreeable. Once defined, true happiness is not true.

 

As for the why/because relation, it does have validity. To go on a journey, you at least need to establish a direction first.

Ok, it appears you are keen to go on this journey Can I offer any direction?

 

In this inquiry into what defines, do you see that what defines is actually thought? That held thought (belief) defines one's self? That belief (held thought) may be discarded/released and life lived much more freely. Does this give some sense of direction?

 

This sense of direction is not some image, thought pattern, or the like, it is feeling, undefined feeling. Feeling shows the way; feeling is the way; the very way is feeling. It is not that there is some thought pattern, some image, some entity, some thing that is feeling; it is feeling itself.

 

Feeling has/is no need, no want, no thing. All needs, wants and things are thoughts.

 

Feeling is not emotion. Emotion is thought feeling itself. Emotion is personal feeling. Feeling is not personal.

 

Is this the sort of direction you are after?

[trident]

Is this the sort of direction you are after?

 

Perhaps. I just need to unravel what you wrote first. You a philosopher?

[lukeb]

I guess I did a poor job of explaining that it all basically boils down to thoughts. Saying that you are a negative thinker was confrontational, and for that I apologize.

 

For me anyways, being 42, it basically means that this is the middle part of my life, it is fairly reasonable to believe that the direction my life is in now, is the direction I am going to take. When I was younger I guess, I automatically assumed that there was more to life, I didn't really think about it so much, I was sure I was going to find out.

 

That more than anything is what is different for me. An actual questioning of the meaning of life. That is not necessarily a bad thing, actually I would say it is a good thing. It is an opportunity not to take life for granted like you did when you were younger.

 

What is the meaning of life, I think that that is a personal question, a religious person might say strive to be as good as you can be in preparation for the afterlife. An athiest might say, life is an adventure, you're damn lucky to be able to experience it.

[talo]

Perhaps. I just need to unravel what you wrote first. You a philosopher?

 

I see you now wish to define my self as well as your self I have no formal philosophical training if this is what you mean. I was just someone in a great deal of misery and looked to find a way out. I still cannot quite believe that it has ended; and when I focus on such a belief of course it hasn't. I still tend to believe you see

 

It seems that at a very young age we are indoctrinated into the tribal way - to believe we are some thing; this is perhaps most clearly remembered as being a naughty boy/girl. We adopt limits, we explore limits, we test limits. (At times we 'see through' this; we intuit that we are not really limited (defined)). Sooner or later (perhaps) we tire of all this efforting which is our own suffering and start seeking a way out. The way out is a deconstruction of the limits, our limits, our own definition of our self.

 

This deconstruction may well take the form of trying out (adopting) other points of view. This does not mean getting rid of one's own; it rather means expanding/extending the sense of what one is (or is not).

 

More to untangle? Or just another point of view to add to one's collection?

 

With best wishes,

[trident]

I see you now wish to define my self as well as your self

 

Not at all. I just found the writing style to be very "philosophical" in how it flows. Intelligent and interesting.

[trident]

An actual questioning of the meaning of life. That is not necessarily a bad thing, actually I would say it is a good thing. It is an opportunity not to take life for granted like you did when you were younger.

 

Yes. I am doing that on many levels. I'm still unmarried, but I'd hope at some point to take the direction of husband and father. But even so, those are roles in support of other people. It's important to also fulfill one's own needs with respect to meaning in life. Quite frankly what passed for meaning until now just doesn't hold the same weight as it once did. It's time to change and grow.

[lukeb]

 

Feeling is not emotion. Emotion is thought feeling itself. Emotion is personal feeling. Feeling is not personal.

 

I'm not sure I understand this sentence

[talo]

I'm not sure I understand this sentence

 

Eg. Grant believe that dogs should not poop on his lawn and so he gets upset when they do.

 

Or: Thought form thinks thought form should not thought form on thought form's thought form and so thought form gets emotional when thought form does.

 

- In short, thought feeling thought.

 

Feeling on the other hand is not actually felt by anyone. If you like, feeling is feeling itself.

[lukeb]

uuuhhmmmmm

 

I guess i never really seen a difference between feeling and emotion. If feeling to you isn't personal, to me it sounds like it is some outside influence if you will.

 

I guess i don't get it.

 

People say I FEEL angry, sad or happy, content all the time. What are you saying?

[talo]

uuuhhmmmmm

 

I guess i never really seen a difference between feeling and emotion. If feeling to you isn't personal, to me it sounds like it is some outside influence if you will.

 

I guess i don't get it.

 

People say I FEEL angry, sad or happy, content all the time. What are you saying?

Conventionally, I say the same sort of thing, but I am not saying anything really. These words are not typed by anyone. No one is doing any of this. This is feeling. This is feeling the way. It is not that anything is feeling the way or it's way. The very way is feeling. If you (a thought construct, a concept, a thing) think that there is some thing (some think) feeling it's way (or to be got, seen, or guessed at), this is just another thought construct, concept, thing. You are not any thing.

 

Emotion happens when feeling is thought to be happening to some thing.

[lukeb]

ok but how does this help someone going through a midlife crisis?