Jump to content

Starting new holiday traditions?

keenan

By keenan
in Personal Growth

Recommended Posts

keenan Proficient

keenan

Posted
Posted

Hi all! I've just realized that I've posted to ENA nearly a thousand times, but this is the first thread I've ever started.

 

I'm wondering about how to go about creating holiday traditions with a new partner. I was with the same guy for 10+ years. Every year during December we would go out to the country and get a tree, decorate for Christmas together, have a big party with all our friends, go to to the same silly restaurant on Christmas Eve, open one present on Christmas Eve while watching sappy Christmas movies, and so on. Standard stuff for most every secular American Christmas observer, but it was always fun and we loved it. (I love holidays and get very silly and excited easily.)

 

I need to figure out how to adapt those traditions a little bit, or make new ones so it doesn't feel like I'm just slotting my new guy into my ex's role. The new guy doesn't really have any traditions of his own so we can't merge much.

 

Plus there's the practical matter of the decorations. Every year my ex and I would buy a couple of Christmas ornament that were significant for our lives that year. We had stockings with our names on them that we bought and decorated together. All of our other decorations were things that we picked out together over the years or were gifts from his family. Every single thing has a lot of memories associated it. Obviously, I can't use any of this stuff (esp. the ornaments and stockings!) with the new guy. So basically, I'm getting ready to decorate for Christmas and I realize that I have nothing to decorate with. I'm staring at an empty box with garland, gnarled lights, and a few stray hooks, and it's more than a little depressing.

 

I should be really excited about starting new traditions with Mr. Wonderful, but right now I mostly feel sad that my memories--and all the physical reminders of them--are basically worthless. Ugh.

 

I know in my head that the right thing to do is to simply push on and start over, but it does feel daunting. I just need to indulge my sadness for a short time and then get over it, right? Everybody goes through this.

 

How do other people deal with this stuff? Any tips?

 

If not, thanks for just listening to me vent.

 

Happy holidays, ENA!

Link to comment
JadedStar Collaborator

JadedStar

Posted
Posted

To be honest there is no reason you can't use decorations that don't actually have his name on it.

 

When i moved in with my now husband i used almost all of my old decoratons. Not the ones that had presonalized names on it obviously but heck i bought most of those decorations myself and wasn't going to throw them out. I even used the same artificial tree i bought with my ex. The ex kept his stocking and any ornaments that were personalized for him.

 

It's just basic economics.

Link to comment
bulletproof Collaborator

bulletproof

Posted
Posted

Maybe I'm reading into your post, but it sounds like you are still not entirely over your ex?

 

I just assumed that traditions sort of naturally evolved. Wouldn't you be seeing your friends and having dinner and all that stuff anyway? It makes sense that you would bring your new boyfriend, then. Maybe that's weird at first, but they are your friends. What about his friends?

 

And as for ornaments- maybe go simple this year. Buy a box of candy canes, string some popcorn, make small gingerbread men, and use simple silver ornaments. It's not expensive and maybe your tradition becomes making all the things for the tree and decorating together.

Link to comment
keenan Proficient

keenan

Posted
  • Author
Posted
This is a very good question. To me, going out and getting a tree and decorating it belongs to me and my ex gf. I can't see doing that with anyone else.

 

Thanks. I know what you mean. I guess it's impossible to sustain that feeling for the rest of our lives though. I suppose it will mean replacing a specific idea of a holiday ("Christmas is partly about getting a tree + person X") with a more general version of the same idea ("Christmas is partly about getting a tree with the person you happen to be with")? On the one hand it's good to grow. On the other hand it's sad to lose a piece of yourself.

 

Are there any activities that go on near new around Christmas time? Maybe going to one of them could make a nice new tradition?

 

Yes. One good thing is that we're moving to a great new city in just a couple of weeks, so there will be lots of opportunities for new Christmas activities. I'll feel better when I'm there and doing things, I'm sure. It's just that right now I feel bummed--he's down there already (starting his job and finding us a place) and I'm still here finishing my job and doing the packing, so it's not very festive.

 

Feeling sorry for myself.

Link to comment
keenan Proficient

keenan

Posted
  • Author
Posted
To be honest there is no reason you can't use decorations that don't actually have his name on it.

 

When i moved in with my now husband i used almost all of my old decoratons. Not the ones that had presonalized names on it obviously but heck i bought most of those decorations myself and wasn't going to throw them out. I even used the same artificial tree i bought with my ex. The ex kept his stocking and any ornaments that were personalized for him.

 

It's just basic economics.

 

Yes, but YOU are rather brilliant in lots of ways! I'm afraid that I have to work hard at making smooth transitions--sometimes for me it's either all X or all Y. My ex is the same--when he moved out he bought all new furniture and even a new car! Alas, I didn't have that option. You're right, though--If I use the general ornaments and stuff even for one "new" year, then all the sudden it's "my" stuff, not "our" stuff.

Link to comment
keenan Proficient

keenan

Posted
  • Author
Posted
Maybe I'm reading into your post, but it sounds like you are still not entirely over your ex?

 

I just assumed that traditions sort of naturally evolved. Wouldn't you be seeing your friends and having dinner and all that stuff anyway? It makes sense that you would bring your new boyfriend, then. Maybe that's weird at first, but they are your friends. What about his friends?

 

And as for ornaments- maybe go simple this year. Buy a box of candy canes, string some popcorn, make small gingerbread men, and use simple silver ornaments. It's not expensive and maybe your tradition becomes making all the things for the tree and decorating together.

 

I guess it might sound that way. In some ways I miss my old life because it was super fun and happy, but I am over the ex for all practical purposes: I don't miss him, specifically, I don't want him back, I want vaguely for him to be happy but I don't feel the urge to contact him or find out what he's doing. But like I said in another reply, I'm in the middle of moving to a new city (yay) and am facing all sorts of "new" things in my future. This Christmas freak-out is probably my way of channeling a lot of my sadness at leaving my wonderful friends behind, and my fears of starting life over again.

 

Also my parents died a few years ago, so I feel like I've lost a lot of those traditions, too.

 

Gingerbread men, huh? I've never done that (or gingerbread house, ala anggrace)! Maybe we'll give it a try!

Link to comment
benga Rising Star

benga

Posted
Posted

Hey there Keenan - Your first post and a very interesting one too!!

 

Hmmm - When I read through your post, it seemed to me that you aren't completely over your ex.. I guess, you never will be "entirely". There was energy and investment made and special occasions will bring some memories back!

 

I am really happy that you are moving on with your life and are moving cities, jobs etc. Deep inside I am a little jealous I wish I could do something like that for myself.

 

I guess, traditions are developed/created over time and it will take two of you to create that for yourself - over time I would suggest you express your desires to him and seek his suggestions, thoughts etc... After all I am sure the holiday season will be special for him too. May I also suggest that you keep a surprize or two ready for him - without any expectation. Am sure he would be thrilled to bits and make steady progress for the years ahead from there....

 

All the best.

 

Benga

Link to comment
keenan Proficient

keenan

Posted
  • Author
Posted

Thanks, Benga!

 

I think I'm more sad about being 33 and having no real traditions of my own to carry forward than I am about missing my ex. But...since you're the second person to say that, maybe there is a tinge of sadness over that loss. It's a tough time of year, even when you're happy!

 

You're right about new traditions, too. We're sending out Christmas cards together, and today we decided to go shopping for Christmas stockings and ornaments when I visit next week. Also, we're talking about planning a New Year's party with our friends, which could be a great new tradition!

 

Thanks everybody!

Link to comment
keenan Proficient

keenan

Posted
  • Author
Posted
Isn't there any part of you that's excited about starting new traditions with the new guy? He is your future and you don't really seem very focused on that.

 

Oh yeah, very excited! (See my last post.) He's awesome and I can't wait to start new traditions.

 

When I began the thread I had just taken a peek at the Christmas things that I currently have that are 'reusable' and realized I had next to none...which meant all that old stuff has to be packed away into an attic or a basement or something. It's just strange for me to pack up memories from over a decade of my life...really, my entire adult life.

 

Normal change-induced life reflections...

Link to comment

Archived

This topic is now archived and is closed to further replies.

Go to topic listing
×
×
  • Create New...