39 year old depressed lonely virgin

[ostego]

i guess on the brighter side of things.... 2 more years and u'll have beaten the famous 40 year old virgin!

 

Social anxiety disorder. Sounds a lot like how i feel right now. I'm 16, so i guess it could be something completely different though.

 

I can't imagine having the troubles i currently do for the next 23 years, and i strongly empaphise with your situation!

 

I guess given the long list of help you say you've received, our advice will either just be repetition, or negligent.

 

I guess things like this just require a strong character, and get over it.

 

Think about it, do these fears in your head of approaching a pretty lady actually physically prevent you from talking to her. NO! They're fears!! they're stupid thoughts conjured up by the human mind, designed primarily to prevent us from delving too deep, and causing danger to ourselves, but sometimes they can go wrong, and prevent natural order in your situation. of course it will be hard for you to get over this, but it's just a matter of facing your fears and approach the woman!

 

Obviously you fear rejection and embarrassment, but will that lady you ask on the street ever see you again if you just get talking, and ask for her phone number? If she says no, she probably will not think about it much, or make a big deal of it, so don't be scared of that.

 

Seems you just need to conquer these fears.

 

Keep in mind this "disorder" is not physical! A strong mind can overcome anything like this, and you just need to find a way for you that will help you do this.

[surfNski]

My advice man is don't stay in your head so much, just pick a girl (lets say Wisconsin chick) and take her out a few times then take her home. I am not saying you have to marry the woman but you need to take the car out of first gear. Who cares if she doesn't like to kill animals, as long as she is fun to be around (even for a night) then get going and stop making excuses. You will always find something wrong with someone if you look hard enough, try focusing on what makes her amazing...

 

good luck

[iamthenra]

 

Social anxiety disorder. Sounds a lot like how i feel right now. I'm 16, so i guess it could be something completely different though.

 

I can't imagine having the troubles i currently do for the next 23 years, and i strongly empaphise with your situation!

 

 

Thanks. When I was your age, I felt the same exact way I do now. I wanted to ask out all these pretty girls and some of the average ones too, but my fears have always gotten the best of me.

 

Here is an example of how silly my fears get. I was about 10 years old, and I was at a water park. There was this slide, where we had to lay on our stomach and go down it face first. This slide was almost vertical, and was very high. I went up and down that ladder to that slide for almost 3 hours. My sister the dare devil tried talking me into going down it, so I would climb back up the ladder and once again the fear took over and I climbed back down the ladder. Even another girl tried to talk me into going down it, and once again I climbed back down the ladder. With about 1/2 hour before they closed the water park down, I finnally got enough courage to go down the slide, and once I did it I couldn't get enough of it. It was soooo much fun! Now when I look back at my fear of that slide, it does seem rediculous that I was so scared about it. Just like my fear of asking out a female, especially attractive females. I guess I would rather jump out of a plane at 30,000 feet, than to ask out an attractive female. By the way, I am deathly scared of heights and especially falling, yet I would rather jump out of a plane than ask out an attractive lady..... Crazy, huh?

 

Oh and you said to look on the bright side that in 2 years I will beat the "Forty year old virgin".... Sorry, I don't see a bright side to that. Rather it sounds pathetic, if I was someone else looking at me, I would say that I am a social looser...

 

You know what hurts the most, and makes me very depressed. Is when I think about that I might not ever get a girlfriend or fall in love or make love with someone before I die. When I think about this, it usually brings me to tears. I know I am missing out on one of lifes most amazing simple pleasures, but I feel powerless to do anything about it.

[Superfreak]

I don't know if anyone here is qualified to help you. But I want you to know I'm really pulling for you as are alot of people here. I think alot of us see a part of our shy selves in you and wouldn't it just be great if soon you posted a thread about your first date or kiss etc. It would give hope to all these other young shy guys on this board.

 

If Stevel Carrel can do it, you can too

[scotty77]

I can relate,asking out an attractive woman certainly isn't an easy thing to do,but not asking has led us to be in the predicament many of us are currently in.........no girlfriend.

[iamthenra]

I don't know if anyone here is qualified to help you. But I want you to know I'm really pulling for you as are alot of people here. I think alot of us see a part of our shy selves in you and wouldn't it just be great if soon you posted a thread about your first date or kiss etc. It would give hope to all these other young shy guys on this board.

 

If Stevel Carrel can do it, you can too

 

BELIEVE ME, I would be more than happy telling everyone in the world that I got a gf or my first kiss or whatnot. That truly would be a day to celebrate. I would buy everyone a drink of thier choice, but I think I would go broke doing that.... Ha ha ha

 

Actually to tell you the truth, when watching the 40 year old virgin, which by the way I do have in my collection of DVD's, his character has much more courage than I do. He did things and said things that I feel that I can't do. Especially when he approached that girl in the book store and repeated what she said back to her. Was she hot or what? I would have been just standing there drooling all over myself, looking like a complete dork.

 

I just hope that Cellexa keeps my depression under control. If this gets any worse, and my fear of death ever weakens. I may just euthenize myself to be rid of this gnawing pain would be a relief that's for sure. Someone mentioned pleasing yourself in the "physical" sense, for me that would NOT even come close to satsifying my desires. Not even close.... Nothing could compare with cuddling, hugging, kissing, just human contact with someone you love. That is what I want the most, that is what I NEED the most. This has not been a total waste. You guys have inspired me to at least sign back up on link removed again.... I don't know about the others.... I have had the most luck with eHarmony, but it costs so darn much, and the matches are so few and far between. It was eHarmony that I met those two ladies from.

 

You know, it is because of my therapy that I am now spilling my guts on a forum for the entire world to read... I guess I have just gotten to the point where I no longer care who knows my life's story. I used to be very guarded, and as embarrassing as it is, being a virgin is not something I like to tell people about, but it is something that creates allot of problems for me, and is one of the sources of my depression.

 

Not only was I beat by my mother, I was also beat up consistantly through my schooling from K through 12th grade. I had to try to defend myself against bullies, and most of the time I went home with bloody noses and fat lips and black eyes etc.... I've never been a fighter, I am lover, just nobody has given me a chance yet....

 

Anyone know of a good online dating site that might be good for me? Thanks everyone!

[Superfreak]

Anyone know of a good online dating site that might be good for me? Thanks everyone!

 

I think another free dating site is link removed or something along those lines. I can't comment on its quality though I've never used it, but hey, it's free so no harm trying.

 

I just thought of something. You've been saying your having trouble talking to women you're attracted to. This sounds really goofy but if you try going to a strip club the girls there usually come up to you and chat with you. Mind you those places are pure fantasy rather then reality so usually I wouldn't recommend them for someone trying to get better at social interaction, but it's one of the few places where an attractive chick is guaranteed to come and talk to you and maybe you can gain some experience talking to pretty girls that way? Hopefully find out there not so scary afterall.

 

Just throwing ideas out there.

[iamthenra]

I think another free dating site is link removed or something along those lines. I can't comment on its quality though I've never used it, but hey, it's free so no harm trying.

 

I just thought of something. You've been saying your having trouble talking to women you're attracted to. This sounds really goofy but if you try going to a strip club the girls there usually come up to you and chat with you. Mind you those places are pure fantasy rather then reality so usually I wouldn't recommend them for someone trying to get better at social interaction, but it's one of the few places where an attractive chick is guaranteed to come and talk to you and maybe you can gain some experience talking to pretty girls that way? Hopefully find out there not so scary afterall.

 

Just throwing ideas out there.

 

 

Hey thanks! Boy what I would give to be your age again. OH THE THINGS I WOULD DO DIFFERENTLY!!!! Besides the females your age are the best looking and the most attractive. Now that I am approaching 40, EEEK!!! I couldn't imagine any female in her 20's wanting a 40 year old man for her husband, except for Tom Cruise and Katy Holmes (sp?). Things I would have changed....For starters I would try to get help much sooner from therapists and the right antidepressents. This is something that is very prevalent in all of my family, the anxiety and depression is HUGE!!! Without the meds it is too difficult to stay possitive, even though I do sound negative most of the time, I am MUCH better now than I was. So the Cellexa is helping a bit. I still can't help but feel "defeated" in my thinking. I just feel like it's too late for me, even though I do try very hard to fight off those thoughts. I know this is a symtpom of depression, but I feel tired all the time. I have seen a doc about that being exhausted all the time. I never have any energy to do anything after work. I just go home and flop, because I am so darn tired. I know it is part of having allergies and asthma and depression... Tough to have a social life when you feel exhausted too.... I just can't seem to get enough sleep. I even pass out at work, while I am typing at my keyboard.

 

I did try the free dating site: link removed I did belong to that site for about 5 or so years, and back in August I deleted my profile. Even on the dating sites I have trouble getting women to respond to me. I mean, I try to compliment them, and try to ask them questions about something that they are interested in. Either I will get nothing back, or they will write "no thanks". I had my profiles reviewed several times and I got it perfected, but still nothing came of it. Just became very frustrating sending out e-mails and never getting anything back. Even just a "no thanks", that way I knew where I stood. You know, if I were a shy girl, I would have a partner by now. It is so much more difficult being a shy guy, because that goes against the norm for the gender. Guys are supposed to be aggressive and confident/cocky.

 

Thanks again!

[mlhou]

I can't give the lonely 39 depressed virgin any advice except this--I'm 54 and still a virgin. Many factors led to this situation. I'm completely past the stage in life where dating is worthwhile or even possible. I quit trying 8 yrs. ago.

 

In my case being Catholic, not having a car until 33, and never learning any dating skills as a teenager led to my situation. My parents never encouraged me to date or marry, and I've seen too many divorces as a paralegal.

Dating should lead to a healthy sex life and a great partner if you do it right and get lucky. In my case that just never happened. I got out there too late.

After 40 marriage odds for most people are very low--1% for women, 5% for men.

I knew I'd never be attractive or successful with women once jr. high school started. It just got worse every year. I've had five dates in my life, none of them was fun or even barely enjoyable. It was agony, and not ever had any sexual experiences beyond masturbation, well --it was just a dead end.

For the 39 yr. man, get help now! Work on your dating skills. Your prospect pool is small already, after 40 it really shrinks. I guess some of us were meant to be single. As a Catholic I'm taught sex is only permissible for married people. The entire world rejects this, and so I'm really marooned out there due to my religious teachings. As I get older I can say I do feel a huge sense of loss and regret and much pain for never having been married or having had a sexual life to some degree. Had my teenage yrs. been different, had money or a car been available, maybe I would have dated and gotten laid before I was 21. Girls are very easy today compared to what I had in the 70s in Ohio.

Lots of us out there won't get picked by the opposite sex, so if it doesn't happen, you can still live a normal life, but you will always feel somewhat incomplete and even cheated. Sex and love aren't owed to any of us. If you are lucky, and work at it, maybe you can find it. I only pray when my final earthly hour comes, I won't be judged harshly by God for failing in this most essential aspect of my humanity. It's very hard to face the rest of my life knowing I'm stuck here and can't resolve the issue.

[Panther_Dude]

Wow dude. This was a bit sad to read. BUT....you are still living a good life, no?

[YakasJourney]

I have many of the same problems as you, and the best piece of advice I've ever received was, "There isn't anything wrong with you. You just think there is."

 

It really is true. There is nothing actually wrong with you. Just by reading your posts, you sound like a really intelligent person, with some very interesting hobbies. I would bet my life there is a woman out there who would find your hunting/fishing skills and taxidermy to be the coolest thing ever. You don't believe that though, because you just never got out there and met enough people to realize that you ARE interesting to people. This is the problem with social anxiety--it keeps us alone, and therefore we build up all these ridiculous ideas about other people, that they hate us, think we are weird, boring, stupid, etc. In reality, if we are just confident in ourselves, we would have no problem.

[bornslippy]

"I couldn't imagine any female in her 20's wanting a 40 year old man for her husband, except for Tom Cruise and Katy Holmes (sp?)"

 

If this makes you feel any better my 20 year old girlfriend left me for a 50 year old man who is prob one of the ugliest and grimiest people i have ever seen. Im 23 by the way and she is very attractive...

[Hank Rearden]

If this makes you feel any better my 20 year old girlfriend left me for a 50 year old man who is prob one of the ugliest and grimiest people i have ever seen. Im 23 by the way and she is very attractive...

 

Let me guess, Old Man River has a 5 year plan? You need to call her up and say Hey! You just made the biggest mistake of your life, baby. I know you're gunna be missing me when you have that big, white, wrinkly body on you with his loose skin and old b***s... gross! Ugh!

[LightbulbSun]

Let me guess, Old Man River has a 5 year plan? You need to call her up and say Hey! You just made the biggest mistake of your life, baby. I know you're gunna be missing me when you have that big, white, wrinkly body on you with his loose skin and old b***s... gross! Ugh!

 

How does this help? Maybe they actually care about each other?

[bish0p2004]

How does this help? Maybe they actually care about each other?

 

I think that was a quote from the movie Big Daddy, with Adam Sandler.

[LightbulbSun]

I think that was a quote from the movie Big Daddy, with Adam Sandler.

 

Ahh, I forgot about that movie, LOL!

[-John-]

Finally, I'll give it to you straight. I'm won't feed you some bullsh*t you probably heard 100 times already on how to solve your problems. You made the right choice with giving up on finding a partner...

 

I hate to say it, but I agree with this.

 

How long are people like us supposed to wait for a female to give us a chance? The OP said it right: social anxiety is the "kiss of death" if you hope to find someone; and no matter what, that social anxiety will always be with you, in some form or another. Combine that with a female culture that views any deviation from the norm "creepy," and you have a recipe for life-long loneliness.

 

I don't know if I have fully accepted or come to terms with it yet, but this is probably my future as well.

[sjjohnson89]

I hate to say it, but I agree with this.

 

How long are people like us supposed to wait for a female to give us a chance? The OP said it right: social anxiety is the "kiss of death" if you hope to find someone; and no matter what, that social anxiety will always be with you, in some form or another. Combine that with a female culture that views any deviation from the norm "creepy," and you have a recipe for life-long loneliness.

 

I don't know if I have fully accepted or come to terms with it yet, but this is probably my future as well.

 

So theres no way to rid oneself completely of social anxiety? Well then, thats just brightened up my day lol. I knew this anyway, i just hate hearing or reading about that. I have only really becoem aware that it is social anxiety ive got the last few weeks, or the last month or so. I agree that it is 'the Kiss of death' in finding someone, it makes even the simple things seem like massive obstacles. I am not average in my demeanour at all, i am a mysterious type to many, we tend to fear what we dont understand. I am a big deviation from the norm, so mayeb some women see that as creepy i dont know. Theres more to why im currently single than social anxiety, but it is a big reason. I agree, this is a formula for life-long lonliness.

 

I am an INFP personality type (2% of popualation), have social anxiety and am extremely shy. I am very much a loner out of choice anyway, i have friends and conatcts, but i am losing touch with the social life, i do not get pleasure from casual relationships. I run hot and cold with my emotions in how i express them, and how i act. I can be intimate and expressive one day, then distanced and detached the next, i dont think many people could cope with this. If being a female repelent was a competive game i would be in the world rankings im sure lol. Some women though my appearance attractive, so maybe i would be in the national rankings insead lol.

 

For all this im not going to give up on hope that i will find that special someone, hope is something that if you lose you are as good as dead in my opinion. I dont think anyone should just give up on finding someone because of these obstacles, if oneday the chance comes along to find love and you deny it, i think that would be foolish.

[putter65]

You can enjoy life without a woman. I am sure alot of married men wish they were single. It is not the 'be all and end all' of everything.

[sjjohnson89]

You can enjoy life without a woman. I am sure alot of married men wish they were single. It is not the 'be all and end all' of everything.

 

I know that. its part choice why i am single right now. I dont want just anybody, ive said on my first thread on ENA that i was done dating, i am, only in the casual sense. Im holding out now for something special, connection. Its just that ive got these complications, the social anxiety and so on. It makes things more diffiuclt than they should be, and its difficult enough to find the right person.

[putter65]

I know that. its part choice why i am single right now. I dont want just anybody, ive said on my first thread on ENA that i was done dating, i am, only in the casual sense. Im holding out now for something special, connection. Its just that ive got these complications, the social anxiety and so on. It makes things more diffiuclt than they should be, and its difficult enough to find the right person.

 

I think you need friends though. That is important.

 

Your similar to me. It's not a case of having a girlfriend, as though anybody would do. That has never interested me. But sometimes I meet someone so special then I want them to be my girlfriend. I've always been like that.

[sjjohnson89]

I think you need friends though. That is important.

 

Your similar to me. It's not a case of having a girlfriend, as though anybody would do. That has never interested me. But sometimes I meet someone so special then I want them to be my girlfriend. I've always been like that.

 

Yes, friends are important. But i only keep friends that i care about these days, the rest get put in my contacts list if i need something. Sounds bad i know, but i just dont have interest in casual when it comes to relationships now, of any sort. Liek you, i want to be with someone thats special to me, that i care for, not some girl i just want to sleep with.

[Tryptophan]

I'm the opposite. People approach me, talk to me, I can make relationships easily as I appear to be quite "intelligent" and "entertaining" but I love disappearing on people. I've disappeared on people so many times in my life and being alone does not bother me. On the contrary, I cannot see myself spending my whole life with someone. I like the thrill of NEW challenges, NEW relationships, blank slates, starting from scratch. Old friends, old partners, old anything just gets old for me.

[sjjohnson89]

I'm the opposite. People approach me, talk to me, I can make relationships easily as I appear to be quite "intelligent" and "entertaining" but I love disappearing on people. I've disappeared on people so many times in my life and being alone does not bother me. On the contrary, I cannot see myself spending my whole life with someone. I like the thrill of NEW challenges, NEW relationships, blank slates, starting from scratch. Old friends, old partners, old anything just gets old for me.

 

Very different to me then. I like new challenges and so on. But anything worth keeping and maintaining presents new challenges, and what you get back is trust and comitment, loyalty. I liek to build on things, whats long term shows me its worth keeping.

[-John-]

ive said on my first thread on ENA that i was done dating, i am, only in the casual sense.

 

I have decided something similar recently. I am done with women. Done. For some reason they just don't like me. I think I have heard the word "creepy" from a woman's mouth for the last damn time. If my social anxiety means I'm not the smoothest guy ever, and that makes me "creepy" to some stupid twenty-something b****, then so be it.

 

I have WAY more important things to do in my life than worry about women. They are not worth the thought I have been giving them, especially when there are so many other things I can focus on in my life.