39 year old depressed lonely virgin

[iamthenra]

Some more information about me. During the course of therapy with many different psychologist's and psychiatrists, they all have come to the conclusion that my problems are a direct result from being physically abused by my mother when I was at an age that I could be hurt the worst. Or so they all said. I have always felt "unworthy" like I don't matter to anyone. This is what one "online" therapist said to me. All the other therapists that I have seen have said the same basic thing. Because of this, I did go to a EMDR therapist. I don't agree that all of my problems originated from my mother beating me, since I have SOOO many relatives that have anxiety and depression. Here is what one therapist said to me:

[iamthenra]

have you had many friends in your life?

 

I have had one so/so friend since 7th grade. He only calls me when he needs something from me. I have gone over to his house when he has had parties, but I usually leave early because I see some gorgeous females, and I feel like they wouldn't like me even if I approached them. I am defeated before I even think about trying. And of course once I even try thinking about approaching someone, the stomach starts to ache. Then the pain reinforces the panic feeling of wanting to run away. So I am usually tending to the bon fire, feeding it fuel logs and sticks etc.... That keeps my mind off of everyone else around me.

[sti_2004]

have you ever not run and endured the pain and panic feeling? if so what happens/ how did you act? (im guessing you have to leave since your brain doesnt give you anything to say?)

[ftheunion]

Sorry to hear it. It makes you a better person, even though 'lonely' could never describe it.

 

Get a job in security. That will get you exposed to people and help with lonely.

 

I dunno, but there is sex surrogate therapy. Theres a place in LA. I dunno about your area. There is a website.

 

I really don't know. I hope I won't be there in your shoes in the future. Who knows.

 

Oh also, take philosophy. Become a hardcore professor with a hardcore beard.

[Dating Coach]

I agree that you should find a job or a position that forces you to interact.

[_Tiki_]

Hi, when I read you post a few things came to mind.

Going by what the online psychologist said, it sounds like you have abandonment issues (emotionally when your mother abused you). So you will naturally assume theres something wrong with you and that you arn't worthy. Because your mother was a primary caregiver, your attachment to her was the strongest so when she doesn't give you that love and attention that you deserve you will feel unworthy and it's possible that you will keep recreating these feelings in most things you do by treating yourself in a negative way. When someone gets in to a bad relationship they carry the baggage to another one and will worry that the new one may end the same way. The difference being that it happened to you at a young age and this was your mother.

 

I think in any situation where someone abuses someone else, it is likely that she was abused herself and has carried this issues throughout her own life. You have the chance to work on your issues and break this chain.

 

Please don't think that the way she treated you was because you are not good enough. It could be that she didn't know how to act or she was suffering from emotional issues.

 

You need to heal these issues with yourself and learn to love and forgive yourself before going in to a new relationship. I was told that if you have an issue with a parent, you carry that in to your adult relationships so you recreate the relationship you had with your mother.

 

If you work on your self esteem, you wil find that life will be a lot better for you and finding a partner will become easier. Also when you accept yourself you will find that looking for love isn't taking up all your energy, you can enjoy life and love will probably find you. definitely work on yourself esteem before going in to a relationship because once you are in one, you will feel negative about yourself and start doubting the other persons feelings towards you.

 

Yoga is supposed to help with anxiety. It will help you mind, body and soul. You don't have to go into the spiritual side of it, if you don't believe in it, but the breathing and relaxing techniques can help.

 

Give yourself some credit. You're a great person, who has something to offer this world. Do you find that you think negatively towards yourself? If so you need to be kinder to yourself. You wouldn't talk to someone else like that.

 

Keep going to therapy also. Learn to forgive yourself for any mistakes you've made in the past. Go for walks because not only does it improve your health, you'll breath more deeply which will have a calming effect on your brain and the nice surroundings will take your mind off other issues while you walk. It will help quieten your mind. Meditation is good for this also.

 

You might want to try inner child work. I recommend books by Louise Hay for learning how to think more positively about yourself and work with the inner child.

 

When you are depressed your body uses up more vitamin B and other vitamins and minerals, so eat a healthy diet and drink plenty of water to flush out any stress related toxins.

 

Get plenty of sleep, but not too much.

Then work out what you are passionate about in life. Work towards your dreams when you feel more at ease. Love will no doubt find you when you are at peace with yourself.

 

Hope this helps.

[iamthenra]

have you ever not run and endured the pain and panic feeling? if so what happens/ how did you act?

 

I did hang out with that gal from Green Bay from early morning till around midnight watching movies on her TV. My gut hurt so bad, when I got back to my hotel room I couldn't sleep, and this was a gal I was not interested in even. If I was or had been attracted to her, my pain would have been much worse and there would have been NO WAY I would have been able to have been with her for that long. Funny, when I think back on it when I first joined a online dating site. I couldn't even show interest in someone, for fear that I might have to correspond with them. Yes, I was afraid of that even. I have been making baby steps, and I am progressing. But I am afraid at this pace, I will be 60 by the time I am good and ready to ask someone out. When I look at someone in their 60's, they really don't turn me on, if you know what I mean....

[Micwu_25]

Someone had said it here, go to Thailand. You can get laid there but that is not the main purpose, the purpose is to treat it as training ground.

 

When you are at a bar or even in a normal restaurant there girls usually come up to you to start chatting and flirt with you. After a week surrounded by friendly women you will be more comfortable with them around and you can take it from there.

[CluelessGuy321]

Thailand might possibly scar you more than help you. Depending.

 

Watch out for 'women' with adams apples.

and if anything does happen....wear a condom. Wear 12. lol

[Micwu_25]

I was not talking about prostitutes in Thailand. There are plenty of normal women interested in foreign men. The OP doesn't have to have sex with them but just to get comfortable with them around chatting and flirting.

[iamthenra]

As much as I want to have "sex" with a lady. I am still a bit old fashioned in the sense that I want to have a good relationship with someone before sex or making love ever enters the picture. I believe that there is a difference between sex and making love, and I want to make love more than just having sex.... As a previous poster said, that I have to have self esteem or otherwise I will question my partners love or affection towards me. I can definitely see that happening. I have a hard time "loving" me even liking me is a challenge. I hate the person who I have become. Jelly fish have more of a spine than I do. So that is where I should start. Again thanks to everyone that have posted and tried to give me some very good advice. Much appreciated everyone! I am shocked that everyone thus far has been so friendly and helpful. I am overwhelmed!

[ilovepoemsalot]

The next time you want to do something that makes you feel nervous, just think of the fact that afterwards it's gonna make you feel a lot more better because of it proving you do have a spine, you're gonna feel good about doing it.

 

This should be just enough of a push for you to be able to do it, and it's going to help you feel better about yourself in the process.

[Blue Dreamer]

But I am afraid at this pace, I will be 60 by the time I am good and ready to ask someone out. When I look at someone in their 60's, they really don't turn me on, if you know what I mean....

 

I am 31, totally fearful of women, I understand too damn well how you feel to think that you are essentially "screwed". As an adult, I have lived the perception that women are "better than me".

 

Just like you, I have allowed my fears and perceptions to define my reality.

 

That being said, you have already determined in your own mind that you are facked. There is nothing that I or anyone on this forum can say to change you. Only you can define your self hatred at all times. Nobody but yourself impacts that perception of reality.

 

You have to see reality and you have to get angry about it!!! Until you seriously get pissed off about making change, you will always remain "as is". Change is influenced by self, always. You have to want something bad enough to be willing to provide the needed effort. That's life, love and reality.

 

Your future is 100% defined by you, always. If you want a positive future, it is waiting for you. It is up to you and how you think about yourself. You define you, always. Think about how kickass that really is, long term.

 

Sincerely,

 

Shiznit

[Blue Dreamer]

I hope the above sticks to iamthenra's ear.

[TitanicExplorer]

You have to love yourself before others will be able to love you- Depression and low self esteem can repell many women-even if you are the best looking person on earth-Try to get involved with social activities that interest you-

You might meet others....If you were a abuse victim, I hope therapt works, but some wounds take a lifetime to heal...

 

Getting laid is not the cure for lonliness-sometimes it only makes things worse...

[iamthenra]

Thanks, I did know that you have to care for yourself first. Which was why I gave up going to therapy, and online dating. I have spent too much money going to therapy which has not made a difference at all. I don't feel any different about me or my mother. I still have my mother for doing what she did to me, but on the same page I can't totally hate her either. She is still my mother. Everyone has a list of things that they want to accomplish in life. I have done everything that I have wanted to do, except for the last two remaining things. And that is to fall head over heels in love with someone and of course to make love, and I already know that those last two things will never happen. I hate me, I hate my life, I hate living, but I am too scared to kill myself because I also fear death. I view death as my only way to rid myself of the pain that I feel. So here I sit in this dark hole that I have been in for a long time, feeling alone, isolated from the world and everyone else. If my lack of self esteem and love for myself doesn't scare women away, then my negative outlook on life and living and the world, will.

[ilovepoemsalot]

Sorry if you've already mentioned it somewhere in this topic, but what did or what does your mum do to you to make you hate her?

 

I hate my mum too.

[scotty77]

You have to love yourself before others will be able to love you- Depression and low self esteem can repell many women-even if you are the best looking person on earth-Try to get involved with social activities that interest you-

You might meet others....If you were a abuse victim, I hope therapt works, but some wounds take a lifetime to heal...

 

Getting laid is not the cure for lonliness-sometimes it only makes things worse...

It's kind of catch 22 though isn't?Having a girlfriend would likely lift him out of his depression and improve his self esteem.

[iamthenra]

Sorry if you've already mentioned it somewhere in this topic, but what did or what does your mum do to you to make you hate her?

 

I hate my mum too.

 

 

She beat me like a rag doll when I was a small child. My sister and only sibling, was treated like a princess, and now as an adult she acts like a spoiled rotten brat. Sorry if I misslead you, I don't hate my mother. I just hate what she did to me. I don't know if it's because of what she did to me that makes me think so negativly about having children, but I view that as being the cruelest thing that anyone could do, and that is having kids. I see a family with children and I just feel sorry for the kids, to have to go through life knowing that you are mortal, with all the pain that life presents us, and to watch our loved ones parents, grandparents die and have to bury them, I just don't think it's worth it having kids. So much pain and suffering. Cellexa only helps me enough to take the edge off of my mental pain from the depression. I am tired of sounding like a self centered whiner all the time. I am just tired of feeling this way. I have tried to change, and I have tried to take myself out of my comfort zone to better myself and to possibly achieve my goals, but even with my best effort, it is too small of a baby step to even be called a success.... Like I have said earlier in a previous post, at this rate I might find my first girlfriend by the time I am 60, by then it won't matter. The 20-30 year olds are the most attractive to me, and I don't know of anyone in their right mind that would be 20-30 that would even think twice about a 60 year old or even a 40 year old for that matter.... The train of life has past me by already, it's so far out of reach that I can't even see the caboose. I can take down a cape buffalo from Africa with only one shot, but I can't get a girlfriend if my life depended on it. Women to me are much more frightening, especially the attractive ones... How did I become so messed up? Was it because of my mother? I guess it doesn't really matter, since I pretty much have my mind made up that I am a failure and always will be when it comes to women.

[ilovepoemsalot]

I really hope things can get better for you, iamthenra.

 

Just remember that there's a lot of other guys inc myself, and women out there that are in the same boat as you and find it impossible to find someone and to have sex, if that's any consolation.

[princess_summer_blue84]

A lot of women respect honesty. If i chatted to someone online who had your insecurities it wouldn't make me run for the hills.

 

The Two above posters are on target. Think about it. Expressing your feelings online could work in your favour.

 

Baby-steps. Having a game plan and sticking to it.

 

100% agree's with onelastgo ! Take baby steps and let things progress over time. Don't feel ashamed to say how you really feel about yourself. Be honest. I Love when a man is honest with me from the get go .

[scotty77]

So you are just going to pack it in then and not even try?That attitude isn't going to get you anywhere.Sounds like you have had a difficult past but you are not the only one.Only YOU can change your situation but not trying won't help any.

[iamthenra]

So you are just going to pack it in then and not even try?That attitude isn't going to get you anywhere.Sounds like you have had a difficult past but you are not the only one.Only YOU can change your situation but not trying won't help any.

 

Sorry... It's just easier to deal with the frustration and depression if I just tell myself that I have given up. It's complex, as we all are. I think if I had totally given up, I would not have posted here on this forum to begin with.... So there is a part of me that is still holding on to my dream. The frustration is extreme for me, and that is the most difficult part of it, because that always leads to severe depression. Quite honestly if I had not had a strong fear of death I would have killed myself already. I hate going out for that reason. I see a gorgeous gal, and the frustration always gets me down. I just don't know how to handle that part. The self defeating attitude as well. I am defeated before I even try. I just don't feel worthy. The friends that I have had, I cator to them always. I do everything for them. I give them gifts and I "buy" their friendship, because I don't feel like they would be my friend if it weren't for the gifts or the things that I do for them. Just thinking "out loud" so-to-speak.

[Big Daddy Kane]

If beautiful girls make you nervous. Start off with the ugliest girls you can find, that way you can work yourself up to the pretty ones. Once you conversate with the ugly girls you'll build self-esteem, and you'll be more comfortable talking overall.

[crosstownTraffic]

Iamthenra. it is always scary to do something the first time.

I'm a pilot and that first time around the traffic pattern always fills me with butterflies.. but after I take off and land, the 2nd time becomes easier and by the 3rd and 4th time, it becomes natural and fun.

You are doing something you have never done before, and thereforeeee, you are nervous about it. You aren't a jellyfish.. you are a human being.

But look, you've come pretty far, even by your standards, you said you were afraid to even correspond by e-mail or online at first, but yet, still, you met IN PERSON!

That shows you are definitely making progress.. I think that focusing on therapy about your childhood would also help.. especially a good hypotherapist... they put you under.. (as in hyponosis) and it really HELPS.

I have done it myself and it's very effective for people who have had trauma in their lives. Ask your therapist to recommend a very good hypotherapist to you. you might just be surprised at the results.