Once a cheat?

[Belle]

After 3 months, I finally decided to respond to my ex’s contact. Our last conversation, over 2 months ago, had been an attempt on his part to make me jealous that he had been seeing someone no later than a week after we broke up. My parting words were that I didn’t respect him for sleeping with someone so soon and I hung up. Now, he’s apologizing liberally, being honest about what happened, and taking accountability for making a mistake. He said he was immature, was sorry that he let me down and couldn’t figure out why he’d let someone as perfect as me go. I really didn’t expect this. And I’m not sure if he’s going over the top to tell me what I want to hear or not.

 

I always knew that whoever this girl was, she was a rebound. I told him I knew. He said it was obvious. I’m not concerned that he preferred her over me, but the fact is I broke up with him for a reason. He wasn’t treating me well. He went on vacation and when he didn’t call me for 3 weeks (he was emotionally cheating on me with her), I dumped him cold. It was the last straw. He went back, supposedly to find work, and that’s when he sealed it.

 

I know a lot of people here would love to have a second chance with their ex, regardless of what’s happened with other people since. I’m just not one of those people. He basically started cheating on me before I broke up with him and got the opportunity to finish it. He claims he thinks we’re worth fighting for, but didn’t think so when he went to sleep with her.

 

I’ve been vacillating back and forth, leaning towards giving him another shot. However, the last conversation we had, he told me he didn’t feel like he had to prove whether he was telling the truth since he felt he had already told me the truth. Considering we’re not back together, I started to smell bs. What bothers me is that he’s pretty selfish and doesn’t understand my need to talk about it to make sure he’s telling the truth about everything because he did lie before. I don’t trust him and instead of trying to earn my trust, he tries to argue about it. Also, he’s pressuring me to be intimate right out of the gate, even though I told him that I wanted to take it slow and see if I could trust him. He clearly does not care about what I need and that has been a huge problem since day 1.

 

I have stopped talking to him til I get my head together. Would like to hear others’ experiences that are similar and how things worked out. In my gut, however, I believe that once a cheat always a cheat.

[PrincessBOT]

You may already know the anwser to this one. I will only add that I broke up with a cheater 2 years ago because he'd cheated before and lied. When I finally got proof I ended it and told him never to contact me again. Why? Because he kept cheating, so unless he made up his mind to never cheat again, he would cheat again. Even then how would I know he'd made up in his mind not to cheat? No trust=No relationship, not for long anyway.

[vinnee]

He sounds like more of a "bouncer" than a rebound guy. Just bounces from one opportunity and then when it goes bad or looks better elsewhere.........bounces.

I have an ex like this. No it's not worth it. The sex will be disappointing and you will both just be wasting time till another opportunity comes along.

The only upside will be that you will never want him again.

[rsxguy520]

once a cheat????

 

always a cheat...........

[blender]

Belle, your instincts are screaming at you to NOT go down this path with this guy again. Even if he is "telling the truth" now, it doesn't matter because his attitude towards your asking about it, well, it's disrespectful, uncaring, not understanding and if that is how he's behaving when trying to get you back... oh my god...he's NOT an emotionally responsible man, he's just not.

 

Anyone will tell you that if they cheated and got a chance to be back with the person whom they cheated on, they would know and accept that they would have to respect and be delicate and understanding to slowly regain the trust again, and by YOUR standards as well.

 

He's already giving you HUGE RED FLAGS regarding how he considers a woman's feelings by arguing that he "doesn't have to prove anything because he's already said the truth"..UGH..THIS IS NOT A GUY YOU WANT TO BUILD A FUTURE WITH, it's like building your precious emotional future on quicksand.

 

remember it doesn't matter what he SAYS right now, it's more important to what he's SHOWING you right now, and that's impatience, need, and selfish wants.. so stay away from him. You left him for a reason and now your gut is telling you that something is not right, and heck your common sense can tell that he's NOT being respectful and considerate regarding your sensitivity to the trust issue, so it's time for you to move on.. grow past this situation, stay on the healing mature self respecting self empowering path AWAY from this guy.

[Belle]

thanks for all of your responses. I guess I just needed more people to add to the chorus of voices of all of those who think I should completely stay away from this loser.

 

I realized that the reason I was having a hard time accepting that I was right the first time about his lack of character, was the promise of potential unfulfilled. But it was a fantasy, and had nothing to do with him.

 

blender,

Thank you for your insightful post. You were completely right. You said everything I've been thinking for the past week. But he'll argue so long and turn it around on me that I start to think that I'm wrong. When you mention how he is with women's feelings, I get the distinct impression that that's why a number of his exes harbor ill will with him. He's so self involved and could care less about what they needed. Even when he came over and tried wooing me all over again, it didn't feel right. He's kind of a cold person unless he's being manipulative. And he says he's a "good person that made a mistake." pfftt

 

I guess I already knew what I should do, but needed validation. I guess now I have to figure out if I even want to tell him or just let it fade away. If I tell him, he'll argue forever that Im being too hard on him and I'm tired of his self serving arguing.

[blender]

You don't have to give him a "reason", you don't have to say it's something about "him". iF you feel you want to talk to him, Just say it's you, that YOU want to move on and you wish him the best and you don't want to discuss it any further and you hope he finds his happiness.

 

Getting into a "reason" that is about "him" or his behavior only opens the flood gates for more of his ego defending and manipulating, so don't even go there.

 

If you really want to grow past it then do so with your actions and let go with grace and no more arguing about it, there's no reason for you to educate him on how he "should or shouldn't" behave because he's lost the honor of having your precious input into his life. He only take all you "teach" him about himself and use those same words to manipulate another unsuspecting woman anyway, so tell him he's just fine the way he is, but that YOU have moved on emotionally.

 

Rest assured that you are doing the right thing by leaving this lesson behind you, his past behavior indicates his future behavior and you already know his "pattern" with women, so do not allow yourself to play a part in it any longer. Good for you.

[Crazyaboutdogs]

As usual, Blender's insights are right on!

[summerpeach]

After 2 months, you are more than half way to healing. Don't stop there, keep going and don't look back. Taking him back and he messes up again, then you need to start the healing from day one.

If I was away from my b/f for 2 months, I would be home free and never look back

[Belle]

Getting into a "reason" that is about "him" or his behavior only opens the flood gates for more of his ego defending and manipulating, so don't even go there.

 

So true. I was surprised that he changed his attitude so quickly. The the past week he's been taking full responsibility and telling me he'd do whatever it took to earn my trust again. He said that karma has hit him pretty hard and he's been depressed knowing that he hurt me and let me down after he promised that I could rest assured that he'd never hurt me. His life is pretty unstable, due to his own poor decision making and attitude about work ethic, relationships and general common sense. He wants me in his life because he said I've had a profound influence on his life and he thinks that he can become a better person. I'm afraid learning to be a decent human being that works hard and takes advantages of life's opportunities while not screwing anyone over isn't contagious. It's a conscious decision. Although I don't know that he'll ever change, at least he wants to. I get the impression that he's been in counseling. I just don't think that this late in the game I'm willing to be his guinea pig. I've spent a lifetime trying to do the right thing. I don't want someone who has shoddy credit, no job, is highly selfish, and has a huge sense of entitlement. That's not who I thought he was when I met him.

 

I'm basically just trying to talk myself into the right decision. There's still a little part of me that wants to believe that he can change and become a better person. But I'm not so sure it'll come with me so much as if I keep walking and he has to live with the consequences of his actions.

[blender]

His life pattern seems pretty much set, but of course it's nice for you to be hopeful on his account, but if you look at all he said to you about getting back together, well, it's all about HIM, what you do for HIM, how HE feels about HIMSELF, and how you can help HIM feel better and relieved for his past behavior.

 

Karma hasn't seemed to really bite him yet, because he's not saying what he has to offer YOU... or SHOWN a change in his own behavior, not just words, example:

 

does he seem to honestly SHOW you he's in a place to bring to a relationship: a stable input to the relationship financially, responsibly, emotionally, has he set goals, has he made any behavioral changes to reach his own goals in life, what example does he have to show for HOW he's made a difference in his own life that would lead you to believe and trust that he's willing to work at it?

 

Words seem to be very easy for him, (especially when HIS ego is challenged or someone seems unattainable, you) so try to remember it's his past and present behavior that counts, especially his behavior as far as what he's willing to do in his own life to improve it whether you were with him or not.

 

That is the true mark of a person, how does he show values and standards in his own life, not just "talking" about what he wants to do, but what has he DONE differently in his own life since the two have you been broken up?

 

Any guy who says, "you are the answer to all my issues and you can help me"..ugh..huge red flag.

 

Again not what he "says" he will do, but what has he SHOWN he has done and is doing to better his own life, and then in turn it would effect YOUR life in a mature positive way as a couple.

 

Take your time, with authentic feelings between two people there is no sense of urgency or emergency, their is patience, understanding, trust, and authentic love is about "sharing" one's happiness with the other and NOT about "attaining" it from the other. There is a big difference.

 

You seem to be really thinking this through in a realistic way, asking yourself questions and answering them honestly with not only an open heart, but wide open honest eyes.

 

Take care of you, respect yourself, do not take a man on as an "emotional project"...that only leads to resentment in the long run.

 

Love is sharing goals, values, standards, and a way of approaching life that is respected by both people.

 

You're not his teacher, he's not your student. That type of situation may "feel" like it's empowering temporarily but soon can turn into an exhausting "but you said you would do this or that, we talked about it" over and over again cycle..ugh....you might not want that..who does really?

 

you seem to be growing into someone who wants an emotional equal, and that is a wise thing to remember.

 

No relationship is without it's challenges, so all I'm saying is it's about "intentional effort" and showing that through behavior not just words what one is doing to improve their own life FIRST before asking someone to help them make it easier, better, for them.

 

Hang in there, let us know how you're doing, if you give him a chance, just take it slow... taking a realistic view of it as you go along..being honest with yourself is your guide.

 

best, blender

[Belle]

blender,

 

thanks for your post. I get the impression that you know the type of person my ex is. Have you dated someone like that? You seem to really get a grasp on the personality.

 

I agree, I think he is who he is going to be at this point. He's in his 30's and if it's never been a priority to be anything less than a selfish user, it's just not going to happen without a major overhaul. Most people don't have the werewithal to make such changes. They have a different perspective of the world than most of us. And you were spot on, it really is about how I can help HIM become a better person and the things I can do for him. He's jobless right now and I'm fairly well off. That has been a consideration in his sudden quest to be a better person.

 

He has made one change, possibly two since we started talking again. I get the impression that he did them more for me, however. He's trying to become more responsible. Unfortunately, he has dug himself a credit hole by refusing to take any job to defray expenses until he gets another good job. By and large, I wouldn't say that he's done anything significant to show me he's trying to change his life.

 

Yes, he's a good talker. Talk is very easy. I remember when he once said he'd make something up to me, and of course he never did. He says what he thinks I want to hear, but never follows through. Even now, he says he'll do what it takes to earn my trust and prove to me that I'm wrong about him. Then he gets defensive and argumentative when he can't handle the questions I have to see if he's got holes in his story.

 

Don't worry, I'm aware of the guy who needs a lot of help. I don't want a project. Life's challenging enough without having to babysit. I figure the life I have is teh result of making my own adjustments in character, in a continuous effort to be a better person. I don't much respect people who think life is a free ride and that others are objects to help them along that ride. That's not to say that I don't understand human frailties, because I have made some stupid mistakes. But I would say that I've learned humility from them, and they weren't the major mistakes to begin with. I get the feeling that he resents me being "perfect", which I'm not. But my success serves only to remind him of his poor decision making skills, and the fact that he's not really getting what he wants out of life as a result and I definitely am.

 

To help me figure things out in black and white and make a decision based more on logic than a fantasy, I wrote two lists. One of the good things about him, and the bad things. Unfortunately, the list of cons was a mile long and the list of pros was slim. I feel like I still have something left to work out with him. I don't know why. But ultimately, I don't believe he's a suitable person to have a long term commitment with and since that's my goal, I have to be realistic.

 

Thanks Blender for your considerate and insightful responses.