is p0rn ok if you're in a relationship?

[RayKay]

Just because someone watches porn does not make "immoral"; nor does not watching it make them "moral". On a subjective standard to yourself you can of course have "moral" views on porn, but you cannot transpose those moral views onto others.

 

One's morality is tied up to far more factors than pornography.

 

Personally, I am fine with it as long as 1) does not interfere negatively with our sex life 2) is not of "questionable content" or illegal content (i.e. children) and 3) is not addiction.

 

In a relationship, couples can often use it to spice things up together (think watch and imitate for example!) - particularly in long term relationships or where as was pointed above, the libido's are dampened (which does happen for many couples after years together - no matter how hot it was to start with!). It is not about not being attracted to the partner, it is however more about the natural change in the "newness" that has that lust running high, to as the relationship progresses on sometimes it needs a bit more to get the fire roaring.

 

And the fact is sometimes it is just part of masturbation as a stimulant. While I don't really care for the visual/video porn (like Batya, often I just find it boring...or too hilariously cheesy to get into....I do like reading short erotic fiction to gear me up for masturbation and the like and I see that as the same thing.

 

As long as both people in the relationship are fine with the level of it and are not bothered by it; I don't think it is up for someone else to say "that is not okay".

 

 

I also think it is fine to not be okay with it at all; and many are opposed on various grounds such as past sexual abuse, feeling it objectifies women, having experience with a partner whom was addicted. Though I think this "not being okay" with it can reach really unhealthy levels at times where I have seen women whom also demanded their partners avert their eyes if an attractive woman was on tv, or they passed a billboard with a bikini-clad model, or searched their computers. This to me means it is more about insecurity and control than it is about "morality" or anything like that. Guarantee that over time that just pushes someone away; control tends to do just the opposite of what the person "wants" it to do.

 

 

Not saying this is your situation of course, but I also have known where men said they were "not into" porn at all or said they would "give it up" particularly where they knew their SO was hugely against it early in the relationship and over time it came out they were secretive about it, or turned to it as the relationship moved on in time. So it is important for a person whom is "against it" to know how they will also deal with it if their partner does enjoy it or turns out to be enjoying it.

[HappyAsALark]

I don't care if my boyfriend watches porn for the simple fact that I can't be there all of the time. We have sex at least once a day. But there are sometimes when he gets an extra urge and I am at work or out somewhere. Now he has never done it while I was there. But other than that I don't care.

 

I used to, but then I got over it.

[mrmaximum]

I agree with melrich, if there's no way to resolve it then hey should go their separate ways.

 

However I've never really understood why people make such a big deal about their partner watching porn. As a girl, I really enjoy porn and I'm not sure what I'd do if a boyfriend told me I couldn't watch it... But I could only be in a relationship with someone who was sexually open-minded, and to me that includes accepting that your partner masturbates, and if this includes watching pornography then so be it. Even if you're in love and have a great sex life, it's healthy to have a good sex life with yourself as well... The only way I'd see porn as an issue is if it interfered with the couple's sex life, i.e. if someone would rather watch porn than have sex with their partner.

 

It all depends on the people involved. I have a collection and the wife knows about it, and no, I would never think about replacing being intimate with my wife with 'self love'. We even have some stuff that we share to be honest. I've read in men's health that most women are okay with it so long as it's not in their face and won't stumble on it by accident. If one person doesn't like it, then you have no choice but to go your separate ways.

I think the problem is that women believe that it's a replacement for sex with them. What they don't understand is that its a fantasy, yes they're real people but the situation IS NOT REAL. There are guys I know who love to watch people (on screen) have that kind of dirty sex, but ask them to do it with their girlfiriend or wife and watch them blanche. Like Robert DeNiro said in Anaylze this;

 

"She has to kiss my kids with that mouth!!!"

 

These are ACTORS, women don't act like that in real life, they don't look like that in real life either (without some help that is). In some cases, they aren't even enjoying what's going on, the're just playing a role, plain and simple. It's simply a dream where you forget the rules for a few minutes and let your mind go. At the end of the day it really isn't a big deal so long as it doesn't take over your sex-life. I'll finish up with something Hyde said to Donna in That 70's Show;

 

"If Erick was dating Miss September, he would be up in his room looking at naked pictures of you."

[mrmaximum]

thank you! nice to find someone on here with morals.

 

If this is your stance then why start this thread? You must have known there would be people who disagree with you? Porn is a hot button topic to be sure and just like anything else can be misued and abused, heck, even working out to much is considered bad for you.

 

I understand that it does go against many religious doctrines, but I just can't fathom how you have labelled some of the posters here negatively after asking for their opinion.

[hopefulromantic79]

My ex was into porn...I mean when I met him he was in his late twenties and hadn't dated anyone since high school, so he had to do something to entertain himself! That's how he justified it, but when I found out that he would do it for hours and it turned into an addiction, that was a red flag. And it carried on into our relationship...he would still look at it when we were apart and for hours at a time. And it was hard core stuff...which I do think is more disturbing to watch. I do think porn is immoral...have I watched it? Yes, with him (not hard core stuff, though). But I don't think it's necessary in a relationship...especially if you are kinky and can come up with ways to be creative on your own!

[annie24]

If this is your stance then why start this thread? You must have known there would be people who disagree with you? Porn is a hot button topic to be sure and just like anything else can be misued and abused, heck, even working out to much is considered bad for you.

 

I understand that it does go against many religious doctrines, but I just can't fathom how you have labelled some of the posters here negatively after asking for their opinion.

 

I was thinking the same thing.

 

Like that old saying goes, "People in glass houses shouldn't throw stones....."

[Batya33]

If this is your stance then why start this thread? You must have known there would be people who disagree with you? Porn is a hot button topic to be sure and just like anything else can be misued and abused, heck, even working out to much is considered bad for you.

 

I understand that it does go against many religious doctrines, but I just can't fathom how you have labelled some of the posters here negatively after asking for their opinion.

 

I think it's because of her age, that she is about to get married, is proud of the fact that she is waiting until marriage to have sex, is focused on the "status" of marriage as she views it and has some rigid ideas of what a relationship is supposed to be like based on some of the other threads she has posted. None of this is written in a critical or harsh way just an observation that might explain what I view as an uncalled for judgment (and yes, that last part is critical). Having said that, it seems like the OP now is trying to understand the basis for the opinion about the connection between porn and morality - as RayKay explained it so well.

[evaporate]

i used to feel all guilty about it. Now I realize there is nothing wrong with it. If he likes porn, but you don't, because it feels like he is looking at "other girls" you can get a camera and try making your own porn together. That's one way to compromise. ;-)

[JadedStar]

Though I think this "not being okay" with it can reach really unhealthy levels at times where I have seen women whom also demanded their partners avert their eyes if an attractive woman was on tv, or they passed a billboard with a bikini-clad model, or searched their computers. This to me means it is more about insecurity and control than it is about "morality" or anything like that.

 

I agree with that Raykay. Wholeheartedly. I dont judge people who just have major reasons for not wanting porn in their lives, or their partners (but if their partner disagrees, they are probably not the right pair), but there is a very unhealthy level some women who are anti porn reach and this being one of them - where they are so overbearing and controlling their guy can't even look at women in bikini's on tv or at the pool or beach. That can be a sad and strained existence for both the woman and man since these are images all over our lives, in everyday settings.

 

Not saying this is your situation of course, but I also have known where men said they were "not into" porn at all or said they would "give it up" particularly where they knew their SO was hugely against it early in the relationship and over time it came out they were secretive about it, or turned to it as the relationship moved on in time.

 

Another slam dunk. Not all, but some men would never dare tell their g/fs they look at porn if she is controlling and very immovable on this topic. If a guy who looked at porn started dating a girl who right off the bat talked about it as being immoral or degrading and she was already a bit controlling, he'd probably be too afraid to admit he looks at it. This is an extremely popular topic by men who are in this situation with their wives or g/f's.

[mrmaximum]

Krystal's stance may be somewhat black and white but then I've been told that I have similar thinking about infidelity so what can I say? Is the acceptance of porn a topic that I think I should fight for? Probably not, it can be destructive and can lead to challenges down the road if not respected. So I'm glad that there are people who do stand against porn for the simple and soul reason that they are the ones who place boundaries in society to keep things from slipping out of control.

 

I simply believe that all people and then all couples must do what's right for them. If it works, who am I to say you're right or wrong so long as nobody else gets hurt through your actions. If he dresses up like a clown and this floats your boat, who am I to say that its wrong?

 

As for the second part of your statement, well going to have a hard time trying to rid the world of every other attractive women on the planet.

[JadedStar]

I simply believe that all people and then all couples must do what's right for them. If it works, who am I to say you're right or wrong so long as nobody else gets hurt through your actions. If he dresses up like a clown and this floats your boat, who am I to say that its wrong?

 

I never said it was wrong tho. I think if this is a stance a person has, they should stick by it. But i think that all good relationships are built on compromise, so if a person does find their SO might look occasionally, or enjoy bikini's on the beach on occasion, better to not take an overberaring stance to it and instead work on it as a team.

 

If someone has reasons for not wanting it in their life, that is their perogative.

 

My last post was in general, no one in particular, about women i have seen in life who are over bearing and controlling. So much better to work out a compromise if one is needed.

[mrmaximum]

Batya was trying to explain Krystal's position (you are very level headed by the way Batya) and I agree with your position, Jaded. I was just saying that I am glad that there are people who think porn is wrong because if it where up to the producers of it, I think it would be an out of control monster in some cases. As I said it is a fantasy not to be taken literally, but I would be remiss if I didn't say that there isn't a misogynistic aspect to it. A women is treated simply like a living love doll and their needs/wants are simply ignored. This is why I believe it's imperative to realize that this ISN'T real life and JUST a show. If you like it and you choose to watch it, great, if you don't like it and choose not to, great. That's the beauty of choice, yeah?

 

I just kinda thought the judgment after asking our opinion was a bit much. I have a belief that you don't ask questions that you don't want the answers too, or more than just a certain answer. It can lead to issues.

 

My last post was in general, no one in particular, about women i have seen in life who are over bearing and controlling. So much better to work out a compromise if one is needed.

 

I didn't know that women like that actually existed mainly because of the enormity of the challenge that they have taken on themselves, although I can see where this sort of thing will undermine your relationship in the coming years.

[annie24]

I didn't know that women like that actually existed mainly because of the enormity of the challenge that they have taken on themselves, although I can see where this sort of thing will undermine your relationship in the coming years.

 

Oh yes they do, and it is pretty sad. I was on a day-cruise a few years back, and I was standing in line for the bathroom, a man was ahead of me. I said something to him like, "nice day, huh?" His gf on the other side of the boat saw me, and then RAN towards him, grabbed his arm, and then glared at me. I thought it was pretty pathetic she didn't even let her man go to the bathroom alone.

[JadedStar]

I just kinda thought the judgment after asking our opinion was a bit much. I have a belief that you don't ask questions that you don't want the answers too, or more than just a certain answer. It can lead to issues.

 

 

OH I AGREE!!!!!!!!!

 

I didn't know that women like that actually existed mainly because of the enormity of the challenge that they have taken on themselves, although I can see where this sort of thing will undermine your relationship in the coming years.

 

Oh yes, they are out there. And they live a sad existence because if they think their man will never see a woman in a bikini life is going to be really tough trying to always run interference tossing other women towels to cover up.

 

Annie, similar story, i was out at the beach a couple years ago in a regular run of the mill bikini. The women around us on the bank wree older, and their husbands were there. One woman said very hatefully "you should put some clothes on". I asked her " you do realize it is 100 degrees and we're at the beach"?

[RayKay]

Oh, women like that definitely do exist (Jaded was quoting my own comments on it).

 

I know women whom won't speak to their partner for days (or threaten to leave) if they talked to a female COWORKER in the ordinary course of a day at work.

 

They are rare, but they are out there.

 

My example of someone getting upset and expecting her boyfriend to avert here eyes from any sex scenes or scantily dressed women on tv was a very real one based on someone I know's experience (he was the guy - relationship did not last long, but longer than it should of!).

 

Like Jaded; I have also had that experience of a girlfriend running up and hauling away a guy after something as simple as "sorry for stepping on your foot".

 

If a guy knows a girl he is head over heels for (infatuation is blind ) is so opposed to it; I can see why he might deny his interest to get in her good books (of course, that can only be kept up for so long).

[mrmaximum]

One woman said very hatefully "you should put some clothes on". I asked her " you do realize it is 100 degrees and we're at the beach"?

 

ROFLMAO!!!

 

THAT'S CLASSIC!!

[Krystal_Ivy]

I disagree - I can think of many situations where as part of getting more variety into sex life or spicing things up (for example, when a woman is nursing and hormones are interfering with libido, or something similar), the couple can watch a porn flick together to get things moving again. It's not about "need" and I don't see it as black and white as you do "if he wants to watch porn then there must be something missing in your sex life." Not necesarily, at all. It also could be that a man who doesn't ever want to watch porn simply may have a lower sex drive or libido - may have nothing to do with how attractive he finds his SO or wife. Same for a woman.

nope. his libido is very high.

[Krystal_Ivy]

well I'm glad mine is nothing at all what you're talking about. He chooses not to watch it on his own because he is a christian and finds it disgusting and degrating. and very, very immoral. But like I said, he finds no need because he has me.

[Krystal_Ivy]

It not being moral is YOUR opinion, not fact. and mine is that it is extremely immoral. just let it be, we don't have to agree. You thinking it's not immoral, just shows where your morals are. that's fine.

[Krystal_Ivy]

My ex was into porn...I mean when I met him he was in his late twenties and hadn't dated anyone since high school, so he had to do something to entertain himself! That's how he justified it, but when I found out that he would do it for hours and it turned into an addiction, that was a red flag. And it carried on into our relationship...he would still look at it when we were apart and for hours at a time. And it was hard core stuff...which I do think is more disturbing to watch. I do think porn is immoral...have I watched it? Yes, with him (not hard core stuff, though). But I don't think it's necessary in a relationship...especially if you are kinky and can come up with ways to be creative on your own!

totally agree.

[Krystal_Ivy]

I think it's because of her age, that she is about to get married, is proud of the fact that she is waiting until marriage to have sex, is focused on the "status" of marriage as she views it and has some rigid ideas of what a relationship is supposed to be like based on some of the other threads she has posted. None of this is written in a critical or harsh way just an observation that might explain what I view as an uncalled for judgment (and yes, that last part is critical). Having said that, it seems like the OP now is trying to understand the basis for the opinion about the connection between porn and morality - as RayKay explained it so well.

it has nothing to do with age, but that's very mature for you to bring that up....what does me having sex have to do with thinking porn is immoral? makes no sense. Proud? only thing I'm proud of is that my fiance' is not a perv like alot of others. And you actually sound very critical for saying you're not being "critical". It is MY opinion, and has nothing to do with rigity. Just morals. sorry if you lack those and don't understand.

[RayKay]

I don't think there is any need to put down other people's morals on here, just because they do not agree with porn being "immoral" as you believe it to be.

 

As I said before, there is more to morals than views on porn, and just because I do not view it as "immoral" does not make me or anyone else whom does not see it as immoral "immoral".

 

You said exactly what I said; that whether I view it as moral or not is MY opinion, just as I said you viewing it as moral or not is YOUR opinion - it is not "fact" either way.

[mrmaximum]

well I'm glad mine is nothing at all what you're talking about. He chooses not to watch it on his own because he is a christian and finds it disgusting and degrating. and very, very immoral. But like I said, he finds no need because he has me.

 

This is what I figured and I had assumed that you where the same. Nothing wrong with it at all, I tried to do the church thing many times when I was younger. Good stuff and I congratulate you on your faith. When I think of your position, however, I think of a scene from Spike Lee's "Jungle Fever" where a man cheats on his wife and his pastor father invites him and his lover over for dinner.......just so that he can tell them off.

 

I see the same thing here, you opened this discussion and now your pointing fingers. You asked the question, we answered, why the insults?

[RayKay]

It's great your boyfriend is not into it as you are opposed to it. As I said before, there is nothing wrong with that as both are in agreement.

 

But it does not make other people's boyfriends "pervs" for enjoying it now and then. Nor does it make other women "immoral" for not objecting to either their boyfriends (or themselves) using it.

 

Just because your relationship operates on different standards that are important to you, does not mean that your relationship is somehow "better". It is better for YOU obviously, but it does not mean it qualifies as superior to that of others whom perhaps hold other things to be more important then whether or not they look at porn. My partner very rarely looks at it, and I can safely say he goes months without looking. It's not in my face, it does not interfere with OUR life together and as a result I could care less. I don't feel less loved, less desirable or any of that because he may occasionally look.

 

For me, there are other values and "standards" that are more important to me in a healthy, loving, fulfilling relationship. And because these are fulfilled, for ME, this is the right relationship. For someone else, it probably would not be - which is totally fine as they aren't in it and I don't want them to be! And I don't venture to try and compare what I have (which is right for me) to what others have (which may not be right for me).

[JadedStar]

It might have been better to have titled this thread "I don't agree with porn in a relationship" instead of asking if it is okay since the OP already had her answer that was immovable.

 

There is nothing wrong with not liking it or wanting it in your life but it is very confusing because the question was asked as if various answers were actually being sought.