My Pulling Back is Making the Ex CRAZY!

[CrapAtNC]

She dumped me in Feb. We remained intimate until May. She had a rebound guy, and he's still in the picture. I begged, pleaded, cried, tried to prove myself - all the wrong things - and it just drove her further away.

 

Now we work together. For the first month, I took good care of her, we laughed a lot, hugged a lot, stayed over at each other's - in hindsight, I acted like a friend, though I did make it clear I desired her, and she didn't object.

 

Then I find condom instructions in her bathroom bin, at a time when the rebound guy came to stay, and just several days after she promised me she wasn't seeing anyone, that he was just a friend, etc. Trust was all gone, and I started to pull back.

 

She hates it. She can't understand why I'm not chasing her any more, answering her messages, asking about her day, etc. She's also suspecting that I'm seeing someone (I'm opening a few doors, shall we say). She asks why I've made my apartment look more inviting (it's also her office), for instance, the same night I'm going out dressed up (on a movie date).

 

I have quit my job and will be going to Central America to volunteer for a few months - doing something we had once dreamed of doing together. When I talk about my plans, she cries; she says it's because work will be harder for her once I've gone (she's not good at being honest about her feelings, though it could be true of course).

 

She's noticing that I am pulling back, losing interest, moving on. She's now very depressed, cries a lot, and, last night, ended up shouting at me in the street, angry that I'm going away, that I keep talking about it. She was screaming, hitting the car, swearing at passers-by (actually a gang of guys who then wanted to take out their loss of face on me). Apparently, she is jealous about finding condoms in my belongings, too. This stuff never came out before. My pulling back is really driving her nuts ... or at least that's how it seems. But all the time she's telling me, through tears, how we'll never get back together now: "100 percent no". She also swears she's not seeing anyone, doesn't have a lover, and that they didn't have sex - the condoms were a precaution she thought she should have, but were never used, she says. I told her I'd like to believe her, but it's too much to ask.

 

Part of me is glad that she is finally realising the consequences of her decisions; part of me pains to see her so unhappy. I still love this girl - but I refuse to accept anything less than I deserve now.

 

I'm dating other girls, getting out more, and determined to enjoy my last few months in the country. But I really, really do love this girl. She has intimacy problems - a wall around a delicate heart - and I understand that now. I'm wondering how I should handle things from here on.

 

I will leave the job and move out of the apartment by the end of the month. I will lie low for a few months, saving money in a better paying position before flying out on this dream trip. Should I move into NC? Or is this a good time to let her know that things could be different, that we could be happy? Should I let her know I still care before disappearing? I'm certain she will get back in touch, especially once I leave the country; she has a history of making her feelings clearer way, way too late.

 

I want to get back with her, but only if I can be certain that (a) she can open her heart to me, (b) I can trust her, and © we will both be happy. I don't like seeing her hurt; at the same time, this is what life without me is like, and that's what she has chosen. But any advice on how I should go about things from here would be greatly appreciated.

 

Cheers!

[dreamguy]

Can you handle more confusion and/or pulling away at her end if you tell her that you still care ?

If you can and you are certain you will keep your word and disappear for good if she doesn't contact you then let her know that you care (without overdoing it) and get on with your life.

 

It'll give her something to think about. But she'll only think about your words AFTER you are truly gone. Not if you still hang around and/or break your word and re-appear in her life. If you do this, not only will your words lose all meaning but she'll never respect you to believe what you say in the future.

 

It's always a tough decision to disappear from someone's life when you love them but it has to be a radical one. No looking back so think long and hard before undertaking such an action. No second guessing once it's done !

[CatsMeeoow]

wow... all that drama and crazy behavior and you still want her back???

 

hmmm... maybe alls not lost on my guy??? I've went MIA for 30 plus days but all that I gained I just lost in two days of stupid dumb things on my part. I over emailed again.... sigh... Is it too late to try again????

 

All I can say is that you have been on an emotional roller coaster and it's probably best you do leave the country and get some distance between you two... working together... that's stressful and hasn't allowed you both to get your crap together.

 

She's angry. She's not controlling your strings now. Time away will be good for her too.

 

Stick with your plan. Give a few months and see what happens!

 

Good Luck

[istillluvu06]

Hi DG is so right, I am going through a similar situation right now. Disappearing from the life of someone you love is very very hard.

You are so right about what you say that this is what life is without me and this is what she has chosen by breaking up with you. It seems to be so true that alot of dumpers think somehow things won't really change? and us as dumpees stick around way too long after the break up hoping for reconciliations.

You have an excellent out here, going to Central America. Thats really awesome for you. I would suggest to not say anything about your feelings yet, she really has to see this is what she chose to do, She may even come to you as she knows you are leaving. But if you still feel the same you should tell her before you leave on your trip.

That will be time for her to know you are really gone.

How long are you staying there????

[CrapAtNC]

Thanks, you guys.

 

You've made me realise the importance of timing when it comes to letting her know I still care. When I go through possible scenarios in my head, I can clearly see now that saying it just before I go (if I still feel that way) would have far more impact than saying it any time soon and still sticking around.

 

istillluvu06, I'm going for at least three months, but if I like it there, and I can get my dogs shipped over OK, I'll settle there for a couple of years or more. Guatemala is where I'll be heading.

 

I want to break that rubberband. I won't answer any calls or messages from her for at least a month, I can promise you that. It's my one chance to break the pattern and get us both out of this rut. I'm trying to work out how I can teach her to be more honest about her feelings, too - that won't be easy.

 

But, at the end of the day, I'm doing this for me. I love Guatemala - it's a wildlife treasure trove. Had a fantastic time there 10 years ago.

 

Thanks again. Keep the advice coming!

[Hope75]

I think the bottom line is that you need to call her out on her behavior.

 

I can only assume that she broke it off with you as you haven't said otherwise... but as long as she got what she wanted from you (i.e. sex, companionship) without having to do any of the real work that is involved in a committed relationship, she was happy.

 

You are right, she's realizing the consequence of her choice not to be with you, and she's acting out.

 

Bottom line- just tell her, "Look, your actions are confusing me. You broke it off, you were dating someone else, but now you're acting hurt and angry that I am moving on and doing the same. Do you want to work things out with me? If so, we need to talk about that and decide if and how we might be able to make that happen. If not, I'd appreciate you refraining from questioning what I do and don't do, since now that we are broken up my life and it's details really has nothing to do with you."

[volpe]

i'm kinda confused about what you want exactly. it does seem like you are kind of enjoying your new found power over her, which is understandable given your past feeling of loss of power. but.... it seems like you like to see her grovel which is not even healthy on her part really. you know you want her to contact you and profess her new found openness to you about her feelings, you see this is a cycle in her, yet you are skeptical. seems like this is a really painful and hard way to get her to be open to you and that it's not likely to work... at least for very long. it breaks down the trust you have in each other and likely you will just lose her forever. i think you need to straight up tell her what you feel and want you want, not try to manipulate her response by just telling her before you leave, when by then it's obviously too late cause you are gonna be gone. kinda weird and i don't really understand your logic.

[Entropy Smith]

Girls like her always need to be in a relationship and her drama is how she gets guys hooked.

 

You did the right thing and you should be given the relationship medal of honor.

 

Don't call anybody out on anything...let your actions do the talking...if you take her back then let her know there are cetain lines that she shouldn't cross...have a good time in Guatamala and forget about her!

[Wandering_Sword]

Sounds too much like game playing to me. She already stated that she does not want to get back together, with that I would leave it be and go to Guatemala without any further considerations of contacting her. But if you feel that that one last go is in order then I would go with Hope75's advice and lay it to her once and for all.

[CrapAtNC]

Thanks again for the feedback, guys.

 

volpe, I can understand why you would say it, but, no, I'm not enjoying my new found power over her, nor seeing her grovel. I am enjoying standing up for myself and not being walked all over like I tend to because I'm a very giving person. She is not grovelling. She hasn't asked for anything. When she gives an insight into her feelings, she then clouds them with other reasons.

 

It may seem too late letting her know just before I go that I still care and would get back with her of she changed, but, in the time that I've known her, being direct hasn't worked; it scares her off, brings up the defences around her heart, as she is deeply fearful of being hurt again (she never really got over losing a guy three years previously). We have got close recently, but reconciliation is proving impossible because she has no need to risk having her heart broken again when she can have me there for her without further emotional investment.

 

By leaving, I break that rubberband, that pattern, and force her to realise that it's all or nothing; I'm not going to be friends with the woman I love more than any other, who suits me more than any other if she could just drop her guard, and watch her go with someone else. If she makes contact, I'll reply after some time and see where we go from there. She would probably come and visit me - that's a very real possibility, as I will be in a part of the world she loves, doing something she dreams of, and it would be easy for her to go. But the biggest reason for my leaving is that I have to get away from this frustrating situation. Basically, this will win her back or enable me to move on, which I can't do in my current situation or location. I need a change. If she follows or makes a move, it's a bonus.

 

Entropy Smith, I liked your post. Thank you.

 

Wandering_Sword, it's difficult to make changes in yourself without appearing to be playing games. The truth is, being so honest, loving, caring, open, etc. haven't worked for me, not in this relationship nor others. I'm changing my ways, adjusting the way I handle relationships, so that I can have a healthier one (or ones) in the future. I'm learning to hold back, that's all. Thanks for the advice. Hope75's suggestion looks good, but so does Entropy's advice to use actions instead of words.

 

Weighing up the options, now, so keep 'em coming - I'm learning a lot.

[CrapAtNC]

Well, hopefully I appeased both camps with my latest 'move'.

 

After some uncomfortable silences at work, I decided to give a kind of 'low pressure' ultimatum as I headed off to my evening job. I told her I have never meant to make her feel bad, only to make myself feel better, and that I have to now focus on what's good for me instead of putting her first.

 

I told her I believed she still had strong feelings for me, and that she seemed upset that I was leaving. She didn't deny it, nor agree to it.

 

I let her know I never stopped loving her, hadn't taken another lover since we broke up (yet), and that I want us both to be happy. She pretended to read a magazine as I told her all this, but she let me stroke her face, put her hair behind her ear, gently rub her leg, etc, as I looked her into her eyes so she new I was sincere. Her breathing become deep and more rapid when I mentioned not having been with anyone else yet.

 

I let her know that it was stupid of me to keep trying, as the wall around her heart was too difficult to break down. I circled her heart with my finger as I said this, then held her hand. A tear came to her eye, but she said nothing, which is what I expected anyway.

 

Just before I left, I whispered that I wanted to love her, but there was no point - that I wanted her so much that I couldn't just be a friend, and that's why I'm leaving. Then I turned and left.

 

The timing isn't so bad, as I'm leaving for a week's holiday tomorrow. My relationship counsellor friend suggested not waiting before letting her know that it was all or nothing for me.

 

Today, she was quiet and moody (with me). But she began to warm, and I helped her get a capsule down the throat of her sick dog, which she was really grateful for.

 

I won't mention the relationship again, and I will start to pull away again now, as the ball is in her court, and there's no point me doing or saying anything else.

 

So ... have I screwed up? Has my pulling back been exposed as fake, or will she understand that it's real but for a reason?

 

Tired of the drama now, and the upsets to both of us ... so looking forward to leaving ... actually feeling I don't care what happens now ...

[istillluvu06]

Hi CrapAtNC.....I'm going through kinda the same thing. I work with my ex everyday. If you read all my other posts you'll see what a long drawn out thing this has been. I am literally mentally exhausted.

It isn't healthy to work with him each day. It's quite horrible, to sit in the same room all day with someone you love, and keep feelings bottled up. Although they do come out between us and we end up having disagreements all the time. This is not good.

It's been one of those situations where we are broken up but have never totally been out of eachothers lives.

He says he is terrified to get back into a relationship with me, because he doesnt want to get hurt again. He has really pushed the friend thing, but I am still in love with him. He says he still loves me, but can't give me what I deserve right now.

He does send mixed emotions, like hugging and touching, things like that. Drives me crazy!!!!!!!!!

I am now torn because I know that I need to leave this situation. I am scared to do it.

But I know the only way for either of us to heal is to not see eachother.

I want to get to that point where I don't care what happens either way.

He knows how I feel and there's nothing left to say now.

I'm trying to make this decision as to what I'm going to do, actually thinking of going back to florida. But I'm terrified, cause I really do love this man and can't imagine my life w/o him forever.

But living like this is not living either.

I think you did the right thing by telling her, how you felt. It ended ok and there were no arguments etc. So no bad feelings.

I guess it does come to a point where the madness and drama has to stop. It took alot to do what you did, and maybe it will give you some peace too, I hope it does.

I think at this point just see what happens, there's nothing left to do, but to continue on with your life. If she wants to really be a part of it, she'll come around. If not then you have a future to look forward to and a wonderful exciting trip that I would love to be able to do.

You have a great opportunity and youre gonna be ok.......Take Care!

[rokston]

I don't think you have messed anything up!! Hope75's post really summed up the situation - you have to call her out and if you don't get a decent response be firm about moving on. It sounds like you did your part in this with the latest update..

 

Her behavior is childish and emotionally immature. Even her pretending to read a magazine while you are speaking about important matters (even if only important to you) is just plain silly. You cannot make her change that, as istillluvu points out, the madness and drama has to stop and there is nothing left for you to do but move forwards.

 

If she shows some more meaningful attempt at talking through things then by all means listen before making a decision. But look at things objectively and try not to read into her confusing signals - just listen to solid things that are said what decisive actions are taken on her part.

 

To me it sounds as though you are handling the situation very well. Good luck with everything and take care!!

[CrapAtNC]

Many thanks for the input guys - I really need it, and appreciate it.

 

rokston, she is emotionally immature; it's the culture here (Asia). She really is scared or doesn't know how to show her feelings until they've built up. The magazine bit may seem extremely rude, but, actually, it gave her an 'excuse' to listen to me, to let me touch her. I understand her more now; I try to see such things more as expressions from a confused and hurt soul rather than something meant to hurt me (a valuable lesson I've learned from reading Bonds That Make Us Free).

 

We're still working closely together, though much less than before. She's making cute jokes around me and doing things to spend more time with me. I'm trying to avoid saying anything else about us. She really must see me moving on now.

 

Thanks again for the much valued feedback.