A Vent.

[fnlyfrei]

Okay, I have been married for four months now. I have some questions. WHY is it my job to clean the bathroom? I work. I take care of myself. I contribute MORE than equally to the bills. Why do I do ALL the cooking and cleaning and dirty work? UGH. It isn't fair. Marriage really benefits men moreso. They get a free housekeeper. I just got another person to take care of besides my kids. I stay at work late sometimes because I know I have to go home and start another job. I wanna run away.

[lunatic]

Tough situation there fnlyfrei! I would suggest you talk to him and tell him that if he does not participate in the household cleaning chores you will stop doing his laundry and anything else you do for him. The household cleaning chores should be evenly split between both partners. No one should be stuck cleaning up the house by themselves. He lives there so he should also have to clean up the house too.

[amtjrtcet]

Okay, I have been married for four months now. I have some questions. WHY is it my job to clean the bathroom? I work. I take care of myself. I contribute MORE than equally to the bills. Why do I do ALL the cooking and cleaning and dirty work? UGH. It isn't fair. Marriage really benefits men moreso. They get a free housekeeper. I just got another person to take care of besides my kids. I stay at work late sometimes because I know I have to go home and start another job. I wanna run away.

 

Another reason why I love living alone.

 

I know what you're saying though. My ex and I contributed the exact same amount to the household bills, he made waaaaay more then me. I worked just as much as he did and I did EVERYTHING around the house. From the bathrooms to cutting the grass.

 

All I can say is put your foot down. My girlfriend ran into this problem when she married her hubby. Him & his 3 kids honestly acted like she was their maid. Then one day she just stopped doing EVERYTHING. No washing clothes, no washing dishes, no cooking, no cleaning. After about 3 wks the house was such a wreck, no one had clean clothes, everyone was having to eat fast food, they finally started picking up after themselves.

[fnlyfrei]

Ask eh? Meh....I like amtjrtcet's story. Perhaps I should quit scrambling around the house picking up and cleaning, buying all the food and cooking it like Edith Bunker. Maybe I will skip dinner entirely and go to the gym and let them figure it out for themselves. I hate asking every thirty seconds. Perhaps when the health department shows up....they might realize I have stopped doing their share. It's probably my fault too... I spoiled them.

[amtjrtcet]

Ask eh? Meh....I like amtjrtcet's story. Perhaps I should quit scrambling around the house picking up and cleaning, buying all the food and cooking it like Edith Bunker. Maybe I will skip dinner entirely and go to the gym and let them figure it out for themselves. I hate asking every thirty seconds. Perhaps when the health department shows up....they might realize I have stopped doing their share. It's probably my fault too... I spoiled them.

 

There you go girl. Worth a try, plus it will give you more time to yourself.

[agent1607307371]

It used to be that house = womans work and work = mans work. But since women now work also it's not really changed in a lot of people's minds that men have to pull their weight around the house.

 

Sit him down and let him know how you feel about the situation, and if that doesn't work, make a list of all the things you do around the house, price it according to what you'd pay for maid service and then bill him half.

 

I remember seeing a study done on how much housekeeping is worth over a year, and it was a bloody good wage!

[ghost69]

i like doing the cleaning in my place. why? cause i know it's clean and it will get done. i do my own laundry too. why? i like my clothes nice and no wrinkles. i don't trust anybody else's handy work. lol

[amtjrtcet]

Yes, that's clearly the mature adult way to deal with this

 

Well, its harmless and it may very well work. But try talking to him first, then go on strike.

[fnlyfrei]

Yes, that's clearly the mature adult way to deal with this

 

Well, it clearly is mature to work, come home and expect someone else to do all the household chores... when the other person works all day as well.????..very assumptive I think. Why should I have to ask? No one has to ask ME. I don't think NOT picking up after other people is immature. Dumping your things, dirtying up the house and expecting someone else will clean up after you IS immature. Unless you employ the other person to do so of course.

[amtjrtcet]

Well, if he reacted vengefully...(why am I being vengeful seafarer? I am not doing MY "woman's work"???) I would invite him to move into his own place...I am not his maid. I have a job and pay my own way. Why are you getting so worked up over this thread? Have some of your own issues with housework at your house?

 

That's what I'm thinking.

[BlondGuy]

fnlyfrei

 

Did you live with your husband before your married him? Was he like that before? Also my personal opinion and this might sound harsh but tell him to get off his lazy ass and help you. What you're doing now is bulding resentment towards him and eventually you will use this as an excuse to leave him.

[Aurian]

I agree. Maybe he doesn`t realize its an issue. Maybe he thinks you don`t mind or you like to clean (weird, but as ghost shows, some people do!).

 

I would talk to him first. Once he understands that you don`t want to clean all the time and want some help, then its appropriate to go on strike!

 

After all, what happens if you go on strike and he doesn`t notice? Or worse, he feels hurt because he doesn`t know what the issue is?

 

Passive-aggressive has its place, but try talking first.

[ghost69]

i've gone to people's houses like 'ehk' and i want to leave immediately. like how can you live like that? yeah, cleaning sucks sometimes, but you suck it up and you do it. why? makes your place look nice, smell less like crap, you feel accomplished. it's good work for your body too.

[RayKay]

I don't know why you don't sit down and talk about the division of labour in the household and around the home.

 

I admit, I do clean the bathroom - my partner has a thing about cleaning the toilets! And I do most of the grocery shopping. However, he will wash windows, do dishes, fold laundry, vaccum floors, build cabinets, clean gutters, rake or shovel or mow...without me asking. Of course, I also do all these things.

 

Maybe I am fortunate, but we both realize this is OUR home, we are both VERY busy people with VERY full schedules including work, education, athletic training, and other commitments...and neither of us should carry the burden of running the household we both live in and enjoy. Heck, last year because of my absolutely nutso schedule he was the one doing more (which I felt quite bad about!). Though to be fair, there are a lot of other little things I don't think some realize need to be done (like dust and change sheets) that I am usually one doing...but it really balances out. He spent two weeks building a cabinet for our kitchen to match our current ones exactly for example - I appreciate that even if I was doing more dishes or laundry those two weeks!

 

Honestly, I have never been after him to do any chores, nor he after me. Because we tend to do them as we come accross them and see they need to be done. Because of this too, I really am not bothered if I see there are some dishes in the sink for me to do - as I know he just was up on the roof cleaning gutters earlier that day.

 

You REALLY need to sit down and talk to him. Sounds like he has very different expectations of marriage, and I think that NOT talking about is going to lead to a lot of resentment and conflict.

[fnlyfrei]

fnlyfrei

 

Did you live with your husband before your married him? Was he like that before? Also my personal opinion and this might sound harsh but tell him to get off his lazy ass and help you. What you're doing now is bulding resentment towards him and eventually you will use this as an excuse to leave him.

 

Nope..we did NOT live together before we married. And he has told me to tell him what needs to be done. Excuse me...I am not his mommy..I think grown ups can see laundry, dirty floors and bathrooms...I have enough responsibilty at work, I do not understand why, because I have a vagina..that I am expected to be the head housekeeper and supervisor/director.

[Miss Firecracker]

Okay, I have been married for four months now. I have some questions. WHY is it my job to clean the bathroom? I work. I take care of myself. I contribute MORE than equally to the bills. Why do I do ALL the cooking and cleaning and dirty work? UGH. It isn't fair. Marriage really benefits men moreso. They get a free housekeeper. I just got another person to take care of besides my kids. I stay at work late sometimes because I know I have to go home and start another job. I wanna run away.

 

I agree, it's wrong. I was in the same situation.

 

I decided a long time ago I wasn't going to do it all. I quit my job and stayed home as a domestic goddess. Hope you don't make that mistake. Just keep your career and hire a maid.

[JadedStar]

Nope..we did NOT live together before we married. And he has told me to tell him what needs to be done. Excuse me...I am not his mommy..I think grown ups can see laundry, dirty floors and bathrooms...I have enough responsibilty at work, I do not understand why, because I have a vagina..that I am expected to be the head housekeeper and supervisor/director.

 

You obviously are the better at it then the two of you. If all he is asking is for you to tell him what to do that seems a very small price to pay to get him to help.

 

I am a bit shocked that you are even too aggravated to ASK him to help. Not all guys know much about housekeeping - if he is willing to do it and all he asks is that you point him towards what to do that sounds like a mighty fine compromise to me. Otherwise, keep doing it all ...

 

Marriage is about compromise and i would say that is a pretty fair one. Sure perfect world he would never have to be asked and he would be a good solider and get it all done before you even noticed it was dirty - but we don't live in a perfect world.

 

Fnlyfei, I hope you don't take offense to my saying this but most of the threads you create about your husband you seem really really angry and resentful. Your resentment that we read often seems even more deeprooted than just the topic at hand. You have only been married four months - it just seems you are so bitter to be such a new newlywed. Have you two gotten any counseling yet? If you are this bitter now in a couple of years you are going to really be unhappy.

[RayKay]

I too don't know why it is a big deal to ask him, if he is willing to do it.

 

Honestly, I mean I think there are some things some people just don't realize need to be done...or sometimes expectations are different. It seems like an easy solution to me to ask him....many would love if they just had to ask and it would be done!

 

I agree with Jaded, if there is this much resentment over something with a solution that he has already provided...how are things going to be in a few more months...

[amtjrtcet]

Yes, apparently you have. If in only four months the OP's marriage has deteriorated to the point that she's considering going on strike and refusing to do any of the chores that she feels go unnoticed, she's got a long troublesome relationship ahead of her. Maybe not such a "joke" but please excuse me for trying to find the humor in even the most unfunny circumstance.

 

You've got a warped sense of humor.

 

OP: communication is the key. I should follow my own adivce as I as well am not good at communicating in a relationship. Sit him down, tell him your concerns.

[redrose85]

^

 

That was just rude.

 

OP- honestly, just sit him and the kids down (if they're old enough) and tell them how you are stretched thin and you need help, and they need to be offering to help. I had the same problem with my boyfriend recently, and he is really really trying to remember to do what I ask him. I got really angry and resentful, before I realized that I really hadn't talked to him about it, I had just nagged. Nagging leads to resentment on both sides.

[fnlyfrei]

Rude? really? how's that?

 

 

 

 

OK... maybe rude but you can't possibly be questioning the validity?

 

Wow, you are sure devoting a lot of time and sarcasm to this thread. Yes, I have only been married to him for four months. I had previously been married to a chauvanist pig for 20 years. I know how "asking politely" goes. They help, half-heartedly once, then a few days later forget again, so you must ask sweetly AGAIN...it never ends...and then you are called a "nag"....so you give up and do it all yourself. Maybe that's what I should do. Or hire a maidservice and have him pay half the bill. It's not like scrubbing his toilet is going to get me lots of compliments and kudos.

[JadedStar]

^

 

That was just rude.

 

OP- honestly, just sit him and the kids down (if they're old enough) and tell them how you are stretched thin and you need help, and they need to be offering to help. I had the same problem with my boyfriend recently, and he is really really trying to remember to do what I ask him. I got really angry and resentful, before I realized that I really hadn't talked to him about it, I had just nagged. Nagging leads to resentment on both sides.

 

I got really angry and resentful, before I realized that I really hadn't talked to him about it, I had just nagged. Nagging leads to resentment on both sides.

 

You got that right. There is no way a person will want to do anything if nagged. Even if the nagger is in the right, nagging is not going to yeild a desired behavior. It will, however, succeed in making the two members of a couple in a more and more resentful and miserable state with one another. It is poison to a new marriage.

[JadedStar]

Fnlyfrei, I know you are upset but comparing him to your ex and not even giving him a chance to redeem himself because of your past bad marriage is not going to help you become happier. I had a bad marriage for almost 18 years the first time around myself, but I have to remain very cognizant that my second husband is not the first and I try to see them as two totally SEPARATE people. It would be very unfair to be hard on him for things my first husband did.

 

BECAUSE My first husband was such a slob even the smaller strides my second husband makes is very appreciated by me. He is never going to be as good at housekeeping as I am, but that is okay because I will never be as good at bookkeeping as he is. If you both take a look at your strengths and weakensses and divvy out chores and tasks based on who does what well not only will that make your marriage more lean and efficient but will make the two of you happier.

 

I even remind my husband to empty his cat's litter box. SHould i have to do that? HECK NO he has had this cat 14 years and long before I came into the picture. But i do it because he is so horrible at stuff like that and i don't mind giving him a nudge here and there. He nudges me to do some of the things that i am not good at or forget. That is what you do when you compromise and act loving toward one another.

[Aurian]

Wow, you are sure devoting a lot of time and sarcasm to this thread. Yes, I have only been married to him for four months. I had previously been married to a chauvanist pig for 20 years. I know how "asking politely" goes. They help, half-heartedly once, then a few days later forget again, so you must ask sweetly AGAIN...it never ends...and then you are called a "nag"....so you give up and do it all yourself. Maybe that's what I should do. Or hire a maidservice and have him pay half the bill. It's not like scrubbing his toilet is going to get me lots of compliments and kudos.

 

It sounds like you had this experience with you ex, not with your current husband. Surely he is a better person?

 

Fnlyfrei, I do understand how being tied to a bad person can cause you to expect the same behaviour again. I was married to an abusive a-hole and I have a boyfriend now. I was feeling resentful because I was doing all the cooking and it felt like he was just getting free eats while I bought the food, did the work and cleaned up afterwards. All I wanted with some help with the costs and him to clean up afterwards, but I was really scared to talk to him about it because of what I learned to expect from my ex.

 

My ex would have screamed at me, called me lazy and selfish, made me feel guilty and like crap for even THINKING about asking him for help, and turned me into a sobbing wreck.

 

This guy? He understood, was more than eager to make me feel better and changed things immediately. He started going with me on shopping trips and paying for the food and washed up every time I cooked for him, unasked. I have not had to remind him or ask again for months (of course, I always show that I appreciate it, just like he shows appreciation for my cooking).

 

Much better than going on strike without trying to talk to him, and much better than being resentful!

[lunatic]

OK Guys lets not start attacking each other. Seafarer that was a bit rude but, did not cross the line.

 

Can we all have a group hug and get back to fnlyfrei's problem? I think it would be in the best interests of all posters involved.

 

Thanks!!!!!

 

I still say you should sit down with him fnlyfrei and discuss how much this issue bothers you. If you get no response from him then maybe it is time to go on strike. Till then you might want to sit him down and TALK about this.

 

**HUGS**

 

You think you have it bad? One of my roomates is a HUGE slob and it drives me insane!!!! I am picking up his crap all the time and it does not matter what I say to him he does not understand. Thats why in May when the lease is up he is out of here or I am!

 

I feel your pain!