How do I stop being used and just played games with?

[RedPenguin]

Ok, as most of you know, most of my posts are about girls who confuse me and give me problems.

 

My question is now, how do I stop being used and getting girls that are not really interested in me, just seem to act like it?

 

I have always been the nice, friendly, and honest type of guy.

 

All my life, I've been used, and never got anything back, for my help.

 

Many of the times that I've been used, were from girls, for whatever reason. Also, I've even been used by my own family, on both my mother and father's side.

 

I've thought that a couple of girls liked me, but they always ended up either just being immature and rude or just using me for information or to do something, or sometimes even both.

 

Like the last girl I went for, about 20-23 people all said, that she's obviously being rude and probably just using me.

 

I've even had some girls, who just ignored me, after I was nice and tried to talk to them, and make a move, which is why, it's fairly hard for me to make a move.

 

Do I have to stop being nice or something I mean, I like being nice and friendly, but I can't stand being used and played games with, like girls acting like they like me, when they really don't. Seriously, I've only met one girl, my age that actually appreciated me, even though she had a bf.

 

ghost69, you know what's going on, do you think, I should just ignore girls for now, until I get around the age of 25 or older? Cause so many girls my age of 19, just end up being so immature and rude and/or using me.

[May_It_Be]

Dating is one big, sucky game. I'm afraid you'll just have to get used to it. There really are no rules.

[JadedStar]

How are these girls playing games with you? In order for somene to play games in the realm of dating they would have to do some pretty bold things to make you think they want you then back off or do things behind your back.

 

I think part of your confusion here is that "in your mind" you think these girls are giving you signals, such as looking at you a few times means interest, or clutching her necklace, or playing with her hair while glancing your way. These are all just subtle things that don't necessarily denote interest.

 

So the thing is, before you can ask about how to combat them playing games you have to first be able to identify what would constitute playing a game and what would not. I have read many of your threads and thus far no girl that you have explained to us has played games. I think they have been rude on occasion, and sometimes they seemed curious and looked your way, but i wouldn't call this playing games.

 

I think you need to figure out how to determine who is just being rude and picking and who has a geninue interest. I wish i could give you a magic formula to figure this out but this is just part of growing and learning. Once you get it right a couple of times you will then realize what signs are real and which are not.

[Batya33]

Did these women accept dates with you and then not show up?

[OOHMY]

You need to make sure the girl your with has a mature mentality. Maybe dating girls your age isn't a good idea if you want something more serious. Theres many females your age who just want to party, have fun, sleep around and not be with one man. If you get a little older maybe 23 and older, then theres a more serious type of girl, but not completely. You kind of just need to ask them what they want out of a relationship.

[RedPenguin]

Did these women accept dates with you and then not show up?

 

No, I never even get a chance to make it to this part.

 

I generally get girls that are so rude, I can't stand it or believe it.

 

I've had girls, I've talk to and complimented them, and some literally just ignored me and done other stupid stuff.

 

They've done it in Middle School, High School, and now somewhat in college.

 

When many of the girls talk to me, they only ever seem to want to use me, like give them information about something or do something for me. Then they never seem to ever care about me again, unless they need something.

 

I'm serious, when I swear, I've only met two girls, so far, in college, that actually talked to me, not used me, and actually seemed to appreciate me.

 

The one had a boyfriend, so I can't say anything about her, and I don't know if the other one had a boyfriend, but after I talked to her once, I never seen her again.

 

That's not good odds, that 2 girls out of like maybe 20 that I've looked at, were ever nice, not users, and didn't act like idiots.

[JeckyllNHyde]

I think maybe you put too much thought into these girls.. That way you give part of you (from your POV) and they give nothing.. (from your POV)

In reality you shouldn't be puttin in so much effort just to ask these girls out whome you see a while in class unless they are really special.

Overtime it will get easier and easier not to get your hopes or care so much if things dont turn out the way they where planned. Thats life.

[RedPenguin]

You are all right.

 

I think life must be somewhat hard, because I don't seem to normally meet that nice of girls, at least where I am now in life.

 

Like I said before, I seem to have only ever met three girls in my college, that I ever felt comfortable about. I have a couple classes now, that I feel comfortable around everyone.

 

It's mainly the general classes that I get into s***. The general class, always seems to have the most unfriendly people and/or the ones that appear to maybe like me, then don't.

 

So I think I should just forget the girls in the main classes (the ones everyone has to go to) because I always seem to get the wrong girls in those classes.

 

I also, gotta stop looking for girls, because the nice ones, I find when I'm not even looking. When I look, I get the wrong girls.

[RedPenguin]

I guess it just sucks how I meet girls who could give a s*** about me.

I just want a girl who for once would care about me and actually appreciated me.

 

I don't know why this girl is so hard to find, but appearntly she is.

 

I mean, it's hard sometimes, I mean, I see felons, annoying people, people who aren't doing anything in their lives, and way more, have girlfriends, wives, etc, and appearntly being happy.

 

So it's like, where the heck is my girl?

 

It sometimes feel like, the world is a hell.

 

I don't mean to sound really depressed, but I just don't feel happy as h e double hockey sticks.

[LBP]

I think you have an outlook which is a little unhealthy... You look at women and you say to yourself, ah, I am being nice to you then maybe we should date or have romantic relations? It's not that simple. You must be more natural, I feel. More than likely these girls know that you're coming on, or sucking up, to them and feel like it's a turn off. Treat them as you would a normal human being, not a 'girl' or what have you. Don't look at it as jumping though hoops in order to achieve a desirable end...

[RedPenguin]

You make perfect sense, LRP, that could easily be it.

 

I think, if obvious the girl doesn't like me, then I just need to continue on my way and not even worry about it. When I try too hard I think I get into insanity and problems.

 

I want to get back in to the mentality of not even worrying about girls, because I do my very best when I'm not even caring about finding a girl.

 

When I worry all the time about finding one, I never do.

[Batya33]

It sounds like you might be a bit needy and that you are claiming to be a victim of harmless flirting. If these girls are rude to you that's another issue but I don't think flirting with someone you're not interested in dating is "using" that person- it's just flirting. That you react so strongly isn't their problem.

[RedPenguin]

It sounds like you might be a bit needy and that you are claiming to be a victim of harmless flirting. If these girls are rude to you that's another issue but I don't think flirting with someone you're not interested in dating is "using" that person- it's just flirting. That you react so strongly isn't their problem.

 

Yeah, I guess you're right. I just have some problems of my own to work out, I think. It may take a while, but I will get over them, I believe.

[ghost69]

you need more practice dude. i haven't seen where these girls are using you; but i have seen where these girls can get to you. you are putting too much emotion into meeting the right girl. you need to take it in stride.

 

you can be nice. but you need to not be so intent on meeting a great girl. my attitude goes like this - i go out with friends to have fun. if i meet a girl i meet a girl. am i nice? of course. do i try to hard? used to. do i give a girl everything she wants? nope. if i do meet a girl when i'm out with my friends, i talk to her a bit, gauge if she is someone i would like to talk to more, if not, i move on or get her number or something and get back to my friends. if she shows a shred of interest, i'll talk to her. i won't sit there hoping we could date sometime. there are too many women in the world to get stuck on one girl that showed some interest.

 

what RP needs to do? maybe change your look. start general conversations with girls more. don't have to act interested, but make them laugh. don't use stupid jokes. tell them something funny you saw or heard about. be unique.

[RedPenguin]

Well, I don't or didn't mean that all girls used me, I'm talking about in my general life, I've been used. But many girls, in my classes, just ask me for information, then never talk to me afterwards, like I am just their go-to guy.

 

That's what got me annoyed for a while, but it hasn't happened as much after High School, but it still goes on somewhat.

 

I feel like almost forgetting girls, even if it's not completely, because the less I worry and the less I try, the way better results, I get.

 

I have to say, I still came a long way, I used to not even talk to anyone, guys or anything, even about small stuff, like how the weather sucks.

 

Now I'm talking to tons of girls, just haven't found any I am interested in dating, but mostly because I don't even know them yet, and I only seem them in other classes or on the bus once.

 

When I went to my friend's public speaking class, I was so in to the girls in that class. I wish I was in his class, the girls were all so nice, and I told the one girl, I really liked her presentation, I wish I could see her again, like having class with her.

 

In my one class, everyone acts so miserable and often mean-like, like they don't like you at all feelings. My other classes, everyone is mostly nice.

 

I don't know how one class can have everybody not liking everything and many being immature and silly, but that's how my Health and Wellness class is. My other classes, never had silly and immature people like that.

[ghost69]

this is how you have to be. trying to hard gets you nowhere. being like 'ehhh' makes you interesting. women want to know why that guy isn't pining over her like all the other guys. especially really hot girls.

[RedPenguin]

Yeah, even though I'm forgetting about that girl now, because I really can't stand her now, I do somewhat wonder how she will act now that I'm going to almost completely ignore her, unless we have to do something for class.

 

Not that I really care, but she's probably going to be like, " * * *, I had him before, now he's ignoring me?" LoL. She probably will try harder to get me. It feels good, now that I have the power to ignore her attempts. Maybe she will finally realize that how she acts is not the way to act and it's just not funny anymore.

 

To tell you the truth, when I did ignore her and shrub her off last class, she wasn't as happy as she normally was and seemed a little upset and mad, so, like you said before ghost69, girls must get mad sometimes, when a guy isn't in their "control".

[ghost69]

oh, they love controlling us. or at least having the power to play with our emotions. don't even wonder how she is going to act now. forget her altogether. go in there and focus on classwork.

[Dating Coach]

Ok, as most of you know, most of my posts are about girls who confuse me and give me problems.

 

My question is now, how do I stop being used and getting girls that are not really interested in me, just seem to act like it?

 

Red, it's as simple as this: You are confused because you are not in control. That's it.

 

Think about it. If you were in control of the interraction, if you were in control of who you go out with, what you will tolerate from them, if you were in control of what you two go do together, etc... then you wouldn't be confused. YOU would be in the drivers seat, and because of this you would know exactly where you are going. You would be the one setting the rules, setting the dealbreakers, and setting the penalties. You would control your destiny.

 

Unforunately... you don't do that. You don't charge, you don't set rules, etc... you aren't in the Drivers Seat. You're the hitchhiking passenger. You tag along. You are putting your destiny in other peoples hands and following their lead. This is why you are confused because when the people in charge of your interactions do something or act a certain way without explaining it to you, you are left wondering what is going on. You're at their mercy.

 

You need to finally step up and take control of your life and your interactions. Once you do this will never be a problem. I know. I used to do it. I no longer do, and since then I never had this issue pop up again.

 

It's time to take charge of your interractions with women. I am not telling you to be a bossy jerk, but I am telling you to grab back the reigns of your life and YOU guide it forward.

 

If YOU like a girl, don't sit there and wonder. Don't sit there and wait for a sign. Don't sit there and in fear. Get you rbutt up, go flirt with the girl, have a fun filled interraction, and then YOU ask her out on a specific date on a specific day. YOU set the plan. YOU pick her up. YOU go have fun for YOURSELF. She is the passenger. She chose to go on the date WITH you, not to guide you through it. Take the lead and go. If it works out it works out. Don't TRY to make it work. Trying to make it work puts the importance on the interraction soley on making it work instead of where it should be, which is just going through and enjoying the ride without caring if it works.

If the girl is a bad passenger, is * * * * *y, rude, mean, a drama queen, a flake, or gives you any type of trouble... then open up the passenger door (metaphorically) and tell her to get out. Meaning, if it's becoming trouble, take charge and end it. Move on to the next girl. Maybe she's more sane and will happily jump in to go along for the ride.

 

I bet instead of setting the rules and only keeping around girls whom are fine with it, you probably put an effort on keeping them there in the passenger seat. That puts the power in their hands and out of yours. This is where the confusing and the issues set in. Don't show weakness. be strong and true to YOU.

 

I have always been the nice, friendly, and honest type of guy.

 

All my life, I've been used, and never got anything back, for my help.

 

There is nothing wrong with being nice, honest, and friendly. Those are positive traits. But even nice, friendly, and honest people get tested, and if the test calls for you to get hard and stand firm then you need to do it. Especially in dating. If you give in when you shouldn't then you've shown a major weakness and it will be exploited.

 

Many of the times that I've been used, were from girls, for whatever reason. Also, I've even been used by my own family, on both my mother and father's side.

 

They do it because you let them. It's human nature. They probably know how to manipulate you and make you feel guilty any time you attempt to make a stand. The minute you let their ploy work and you buckle, then you get walked on.

 

Sometimes making a stand for yourself will have consequences. Sometimes people will get furious with you. Sometimes they will try even harder to manipulate you, make you feel guilty, argue with you, and maybe even threaten to cut you off. Let them. Losing a manipulator in your life because they failed to manipulate you is a better result then keeping them in your life and continuing to let them manipulate you. It takes a lot of resolve and strength to make this stand but you need to do it for your own sake. You owe yourself happiness before you owe anyone else happiness.

 

I've thought that a couple of girls liked me, but they always ended up either just being immature and rude or just using me for information or to do something, or sometimes even both.

 

If there is a pattern of being used, it's because you make it easy for them to use you. The fault lies with yourself, not them.

 

I've even had some girls, who just ignored me, after I was nice and tried to talk to them, and make a move, which is why, it's fairly hard for me to make a move.

 

You're caring too much about what other people think, which puts you at their mercy because you so desperately care what they think that you'll take the focus off pleasing yourself and will try pleasing them. This leads to more loss of control, more confusion, and more feelings of helplessness.

 

Do I have to stop being nice or something I mean, I like being nice and friendly, but I can't stand being used and played games with, like girls acting like they like me, when they really don't. Seriously, I've only met one girl, my age that actually appreciated me, even though she had a bf.

 

No, you don't. You just need to redefine what "being nice is". It seems to you being nice is being a people pleaser. You do things to make other people happy all of the time, usually at the expense of yourself. Doing this puts you at their mercy. You should only be at the mercy of yourself.

 

I am friendly and nice to most people, but I will not let anyone sucker me, use me, etc. If someone I want to know turns out to be a flake, a loser, a manipulator, etc... then I no longer want to know them nor care what they think. I don't need to please them because they are beneath my standards.

 

Take charge of your life Red. Always be calm, cool, and collected. But be firm. Set high standards for yourself and don't settle for less. Don't be afriaid to kick people out of your life. Don't be afraid to lose friends. Be confident that if you lose a friend it was because of them and not you.

[Dating Coach]

That's not good odds, that 2 girls out of like maybe 20 that I've looked at, were ever nice, not users, and didn't act like idiots.

 

ALL people use other people. Most people don't even know they are using them. They just don't register it consciously.

 

For instance... if you're at college around a group of people you know and you need to borrow money for lunch, you'll-without really thinking about it-go ask the person who is most likely to lend you the money.

 

If you have an argument with someone else, you're most likely-without even thinking about what you're doing-going to go talk to the person whom is most likely to see it from your side, thus reassuring you that you were right.

 

If you need a ride somewhere, you are most likely going to call first the person whom is most likely to stop what they are doing to come get you.

 

People use people. It's life. If you're tired of being used then you need to stop being the person that everyone thinks will jump to do their bidding. You don't need to be rude about it, just turn them down or tell them they have to return the favor.

[RedPenguin]

You are right, I just would love to finally meet a girl, who I actually like.

 

I'm just sick and tired now finding only girls, who I only think I like then end up not liking them, because I find out something I don't like about them.

 

I just right now don't seem to win. That's what sucks for me now.

[RedPenguin]

oh, they love controlling us. or at least having the power to play with our emotions. don't even wonder how she is going to act now. forget her altogether. go in there and focus on classwork.

 

Yeah, I know what you mean. I just thought it was funny. At least she got the message and has left me alone. So obviously she knows, I'm not playing her games.

 

It seemed like at the end of class, she was trying one last time, but I just ignored her, she seems to realize now, that it's over, that I'm not playing around anymore.

[Dating Coach]

You are right, I just would love to finally meet a girl, who I actually like.

 

So woudl most people. Stop making it a priority. Start making YOU the priority.

[scotty77]

this is how you have to be. trying to hard gets you nowhere. being like 'ehhh' makes you interesting. women want to know why that guy isn't pining over her like all the other guys. especially really hot girls.

That is very true,ghost.Most hot girls are used to a lot of guys fawning over them,so if you do the same[fawn] how will you stand out amongst the pack?Perhaps it explains why a lot of hot girls are attracted to the bad boy type who seems to take a vastly different approach than most guys and thus piques her interest .

[ghost69]

That is very true,ghost.Most hot girls are used to a lot of guys fawning over them,so if you do the same[fawn] how will you stand out amongst the pack?Perhaps it explains why a lot of hot girls are attracted to the bad boy type who seems to take a vastly different approach than most guys and thus piques her interest .

 

i've done this many of times. with much success too. see a girl with some friends or by herself. smokin hot. i go up next to them at the bar. 'hi'. order my drink and say 'smile, can't be that bad' and walk off. seed planted. that girl will be looking for me later. cause i didn't try and buy her a drink or hit her up.