The legacy of divorce

[Idocsteve]

My sister just called to tell me she is seeing a lawyer shortly..she's going to file for divorce.

 

My brother got divorced 6 years ago. I am going through a divorce right now. My father has been married and divorced 3 times. My mother commited suicide when I was about 14.

 

The lack of success myself and my siblings have had in relationships must in some way be related to the legacy our parents have left us.

 

I feel badly for my children...

[Supa_gurl]

I wouldn't chalk it up to legacy just yet steve. Maybe you can help your children can break the cycle. You never know. Just start teaching them now. Hlep them to break the cycle. Sorry to hear about so much divorce in your family. My father also was married 3 times and my mother 4. now they are both single and lonely. I wouldn't wish it on anyone.

[Idocsteve]

Thanks for your reply. If you read my other thread, you will see that my divorce is very ugly. My children are not talking to me at the moment, so I can't teach them anything.

[Supa_gurl]

Sorry to hear that, Steve. you give good advice to me often, I was hoping to return the favor.

[Idocsteve]

It's ok. Sometimes there are no easy answers.

[John Bendix]

I can top that.

 

My X's Family Divorce Record

 

Mother's Side

 

Mother divorced after 20+ yrs

Mother's sister divorced after 20+ yrs

Mother's aunt divorced

Mother's cousin divorced after 20+ yrs

Cousin divorced after 15+ yrs

Cousin single mom (threw boyfriend out)

 

Father Side

 

Father walked out without notice after 20+ years

Aunt divorced 2x

Uncle divorced

Uncle divorced

Uncle divorced

Cousin divorced (Threw husband out)

Cousin divorced

 

Sister, one aunt. and two cousins only close relatives still married

 

Any dysfunctional patterns showing up?

 

My Side

 

I have a lot of uncles and aunts and I believe only one got divorced and he fought it.

 

John

[heartbrokenFloridiot]

My very religious mother doesn't believe in divorce. Our whole lives we were told that marriage is a lifetime commitment before God. (I have a stepfather, but only because my mother was widowed). Out of my Mom's 4 kids all of us are either divorced or in the process of getting a divorce.

 

I think it has nothing to do with a legacy from our parents. It has to do with our culture in which people feel it is easier to walk away than do the hard work of staying and making it work.

[Portage]

Or sometimes it is the peace we need to make our children happy and healthy in a non verbally abusive environment.

 

I would hope your ex would want to sit down with you Steve and discuss the benefits of an amicable divorce with yourself. Is this possible? It would not only benefit the children but the two adults that will be forever connected through these beautiful children, who should respect and admire you both. As adults we may not have relationships work out as planned, however, we should be able to think unselfishly and do what works best for the kids. If your ex doesn't see this she needs a serious wake up call.

[Idocsteve]

As adults we may not have relationships work out as planned, however, we should be able to think unselfishly and do what works best for the kids. If your ex doesn't see this she needs a serious wake up call.

 

She's not interested in what's best for the kids. Her anger towards me (for being the one who eventually left the marriage), is so strong, that she is keeping the children from me in retribution. There is no reasoning with her, and there is no civility. Perhaps in time, but not any time soon.

[Portage]

i feel for you, i hope she sees the light in time. Before the damage is irreparable. All you can do is what you have been doing. Your children will understand this and respect it when they are old enough. It won't go unnoticed.

[Idocsteve]

I hope you're right. I have read a lot about PAL (Parental Alienation Syndrome), and there are many cases where the damage is irreparable, and the children never speak to the alienated parent again.

[Portage]

well i've heard differently. Many children grow up and recognize both sides. You are an intelligent individual. And your kids have half of your genes.

 

I think it will all work itself out in time. If not, you tried and that is a great effort coming from a father who isn't under the same roof.

[DN]

well i've heard differently. Many children grow up and recognize both sides. You are an intelligent individual. And your kids have half of your genes.

 

I think it will all work itself out in time. If not, you tried and that is a great effort coming from a father who isn't under the same roof.

I agree with this.The key, I think, is to continue to be patient - send the greeting cards, send messages about you and your life and how much you love them. Be kind, forgiving and persistent.

 

Chances are that one day they will see the light.

[OOHMY]

Everyone on my moms side of the family is divorced. My grandmother had 14 children. Divorce is very popular, people just don't seem to make it serious enough, most females see a deadline at around age 30 and jump for the chance to be married. Ridiculous!