Reverse psychology and the "Rebound" relationship

[mellow]

They're married already, whoa.

[TimeToGrowUp]

Wow dude we may have dated the same girl haha

 

Sorry to hear you had to go thru that kind of crap.

 

I should have run for the hills when she decided to tell me about her childhood......but the caretaker in me kept me around. She really had me convinced she had worked thru it, but it's clear it's just all a front.

[moondog627]

I should have run for the hills when she decided to tell me about her childhood......but the caretaker in me kept me around.

 

This (being the caretaker) is something I've realized I've been in ALL of my relationships. With therapy I'm working on discovering why this is (usually it's an effort to subconsciously cure my own problems). But I'm REALLY hoping that in the future I can find someone who is healthy, happy, and at peace with themself.

[TimeToGrowUp]

This (being the caretaker) is something I've realized I've been in ALL of my relationships. With therapy I'm working on discovering why this is (usually it's an effort to subconsciously cure my own problems). But I'm REALLY hoping that in the future I can find someone who is healthy, happy, and at peace with themself.

 

I can see how that might be.

 

The irony of my situation was that we operated from the opposite sides of the spectrum. My first two real relationships really soured me on giving away love so easily and having to deal with cheating girlfriends, not to mention I really started separating emotion from sex. Her family life growing up as a child left her pining for the security and comfort from men and sex.

[mellow]

Is it safe to say if they went off and marry the new girl, it's not a rebound? at least now I can cement things and let go.

[bitebenot]

Is it safe to say if they went off and marry the new girl, it's not a rebound? at least now I can cement things and let go.

 

Even if it was a rebound,it could last for years.No reasons to stay still and wait for them to split.If a split happens by no means its written in stone that the ex would come back.Moving on is the key to heal and forget.

[verylonely]

Sorry to hear you had to go thru that kind of crap.

 

I should have run for the hills when she decided to tell me about her childhood......but the caretaker in me kept me around. She really had me convinced she had worked thru it, but it's clear it's just all a front.

 

 

I think thats a little unfair, I had a hard upbringing and early adulthood, but I had lots of counselling and worked through it.....I trusted my ex like I never trusted anyone ever before and wanted everything with him......but he didnt..... He has never worked on his issues and I got the brunt of that....he never will either because he doesnt believe he has any and just blamed me for everything. Even told his family that I was crazy.......then had a new g/f within weeks and left me heartbroken. I am in therapy again now because of this relationship......my therapist says that I have taken it so badly because its the first time I truly let myself finally trust fully.

 

So it depends on the person.....if someone decided to tell me about their childhood it would not make me run for the hills, but thats just me

[TimeToGrowUp]

After I wrote that, I actually thought it sounded a little bit harsh. My ex- never sought help though, that's the difference between you two. Without help, she's stuck in life repeating the same cycle over and over again. She fills her void of loneliness, low self-esteem, and having no father with: men and sex.

 

I'm in the same boat as you in that even though it took a while to peel back my layers because of my experiences with cheating girlfriends. I eventually did fall in love and handed over my trust. It's a serious thing when I tell a girl I love her, it's the most naked I could feel around somebody. In the end, it all proved for not. She cheated..... she also left me for her pervert personal trainer (don't know if you read my back story on that because it's just WEIRD).

 

The whole thing is a slippery slope depending on the person and their willingness to change. Her change was based on putting on a steely exterior - pretending nothing phased her. The truth is it was the exact opposite. It's amazing how good some of them are at portraying they're fine. I talked about this in another thread, but there was a time after our 2nd year together where I wasn't sure where the relationship was going. I was being pulled in all directions in my life and I needed time on my own. I sat her down and told her and she was devastated. She cried her eyes out and begged us not to break up. Low and behold, after the conversation she drove to her best friends house and told her that she had done the breaking up because she wanted to pursue this other guy ............... and she was at his house THAT same night sleeping with him.

 

At least I have had the self-awareness to go talk to a counselor about my own issues in relationships, which I've been for the last 2 months. Right after the break up I wrote letters to friends she had complained I was being judgmental about, apologizing for my behavior. She never once apologized for anything.

[newinvention]

The whole thing is a slippery slope depending on the person and their willingness to change. Her change was based on putting on a steely exterior - pretending nothing phased her. The truth is it was the exact opposite. It's amazing how good some of them are at portraying they're fine.

 

Wow! Does that ring-true for me... Same deal.

[TimeToGrowUp]

Wow! Does that ring-true for me... Same deal.

 

I'm normally an excellent judge of character, as I'm very particular of who I surround myself with. I was convinced 100% she was one of the few who were able to rise up out of a dysfunctional childhood and break the cycle. That's how good she was at fronting her strength - I even used to joke that I was the "dragon slayer" when it came to her.

 

Part of the reason why this all stings so badly is she showered me with affection and love early on. She was doing all the chasing. Now I see why that is. And after speaking with people who decided to cut her out of their lives, it's quite clear this has been a problem for a long time for her.

[verylonely]

I was like that when i was younger, trying to pretend i was big and strong, I was because I had to survive my childhood but it wasnt until i was in my mmm, maybe late 20's that i went to counselling. But I have never cheated on anyone, ever. But I have been cheated on in my last relationship, stayed single for 2 years after that, then this one was sexy txting a stranger week before he broke up with me, then finished by txt after a row and was on to the next within weeks. Now I know I am to blame for some of it, which I always put my hands up when I am wrong.....him.....never, ever once. I told him all about my past and when thing started to go wrong towards the end he would throw back on me things I told him....when I front him on it, he was "only joking" and I was "too sensitive" He is so so so not self aware, actually come to think of it, what the hell was I doing with him lol

 

It is a serious thing for me too to be in love and he knew that too. uuurrrrghhh, immature love is what they have, I think. Mine is happily telling the next how much he loves her, weeks after me....

 

they do not deserve our love. Mine was true and he knew it too.....his loss, her loss too and shame for her not to seek some help with her stuff.....although it was a very very difficult road to go down (for me anyway) all the better for it now though

 

Onwards and upwards my friend!

[verylonely]

I'm normally an excellent judge of character, as I'm very particular of who I surround myself with. I was convinced 100% she was one of the few who were able to rise up out of a dysfunctional childhood and break the cycle. That's how good she was at fronting her strength - I even used to joke that I was the "dragon slayer" when it came to her.

 

Part of the reason why this all stings so badly is she showered me with affection and love early on. She was doing all the chasing. Now I see why that is. And after speaking with people who decided to cut her out of their lives, it's quite clear this has been a problem for a long time for her.

 

haha, mine too, showered me with affection blah blah blah from the off, should have known better, told me he loved me way too soon too....I fell hook line and sinker......but he is doing same lines to next one......and I'm sure when she doesnt measure up there will be a next one....so feel lucky, you escaped and funny enough reading and replying to you is making me really see what a crock it all really was, lol. Why would i want someone like that in my life, like you have always surrounded myself with people that enhanced my life, how did I ever let him creep in .......dont sweat it, will be better judges next time....maybe lol

[klafeoj]

My ex and I broke up month and a half ago. It was mutual (she initiated i went along with it). Right afterwards she seemed like she wasn't sure if it is what she wanted. We were still very affectionate and in the week after she said something along the lines of "we can’t talk as much as we used to because it just makes me want to start going back out again". She started dating a new man the next week and her sister was quite livid with her (her family and I are really close). She told her sister that if she wasn't dating this new man she would have gone back to me. The next week she was talking to me ( i have subsequently gone NC) and she said that she just didn't love me like a BF anymore and that being with new man has shown her that. What really happened? Is this new relationship masking old feelings (is that confusion still there) or has it really been an eye opening experience for her? Opinions? Has anyone heard of this where someone says they aren’t in love with you anymore only after the new relationship starts?

 

After she "moved on" to somewhere i kind of got hit with not knowing what i had till its was gone. I wish for her return but realistically there is small chance of that happening. I went NC a week ago telling her we couldn’t be friends, that I was happy she moved on but I needed space to disconnect. And that maybe someday we could reconnect but I didn’t know when or if that day was ever going to come. Today she texts me asking “when (if ever) are we going to be friends again” IDK I don’t like to read into things. I try to move on best I can.

[bitebenot]

I read in many threads that its the women who calls it quiets 75% of the time ! I couldnt believe it ! Seems true,more men than women here !

[donr]

I’m going to share my story so hopefully others learn and don’t make the same mistake.

When my fiancé broke it off after two years, I was devastated. I felt this was my soul-mate, and wanted her back more than anything. I tried to convince her, tried manipulation, tried everything without success. I soon learned there was somebody else. She didn’t technically cheat on me, since they didn’t date until after she broke it off. Regardless, she broke off our engagement for him. So mentally-cheating. And they kissed while she still lived with me (we were broken up).

 

After trying and failing doing the normal things, I followed the advice of this thread. I went into therapy to deal with my issues and hit the gym hard. The combination of no appetite with the gym dropped my went from 190 to 170 within a month. Yeah, probably dangerous.

 

I also stayed away, at a friends house so she would have a chance to miss me. Then I came back a week later and her attitude was changed. She liked the changes I made and after a few days of hanging out she asked if she could join me in therapy for couples therapy.

 

I thought I had it made. I insta-accepted and pushed our relationship hard. She removed the other guy from her phone, from facebook, etc. We had sex on New Years Eve twice and everything was good.

 

But you'll notice I missed one key ingredient, the most important component actually. I didn't make her work for it. Soon, it fell apart and she broke things off again. My therapist told me my mistake was getting back together so fast. I should've put us on hold and watched her. My ex even told me she didn't feel like she deserved to be forgiven.

 

So in my rush to win back my love, I skipped a step and tried to push things too fast. Now things are unrecoverable. I had my chance and I blew it. She even gave me hints like, "are you sure you want to kiss me?", "I'm not sure he's ever going to trust me again". I shouldn't have been too quick to calm her fears.

 

Now I'm going into pure no-contact mode and I honestly don't think we have a chance in hell. But if she does contact me 3-4 months into the future, maybe I'd give her one last opportunity to win ME back. Never forget that step. I did, and am paying the price.

[tara_flynn]

I hope one day I will get that second chance. Thank you so much for the advice, but I am sorry it ended up this way for you.

 

I have already told myself that if my ex did come back I would make him work so hard. Being friends first, then dating, then so on. We had so much together that I cannot risk getting hurt by him again. He needs to build everything up before I fully let him back into my life again.

 

He still tells me that he wants to be with me, just not right now. He says I am so young and I need to get everything out. Well my response is, you're 35 years old and too old to be playing games!! I just think that he is afraid of being alone and that since I left him once I will leave him again. Therefore he rushes into this "relationship" thinking it is real and what not. Yet he still comes over and gropes my ass and talks about getting back together. Yeah, yeah, he is trying to keep me as a back up, I know people. But even though he is being a jerk, I still want to be with him. You can't help who you love I guess...

 

Sorry guys.. just needed to vent! I have to see him in a couple of minutes when he comes to pick up my son. I hate this time of the week!!!

[bitebenot]

We are not experts in solving relationships that are falling apart !

We all take bad decisions when it happens.For you, it was just one mistake..it proves that when we jump one step,we are cooked ! Now i know because of what i have learned on ENA...make them work hard when they decide to reconcile,its very important.When that part is done well,it makes the ex love you more.If you take them back to quiclky, their sense of panic just desappears ! But dont give up..she might want to try again who knows.A good lesson for others to learn here.Thanks for posting this,great information ! In the meantime, it would be wise to move on.Good luck to you.

[bitebenot]

DONR,

Dont take all the blame ! Shes the one who screwed up ! You only tried to save your relationship, which is completely normal ! She took your engagement very litely it seems.Its very sad to lose your soulmate,but what if it happened after being married ? If she does come back,what is the chance of this working out long term ? No answers i guess,just a thought.

Breaking an engagement and loosing love..falling for another man...not so good.So many women looking for a man just like you, something to keep in mind whatever you decide.Im sure with time she will regret her decision.Its hard to find a good compatible mate.It will be her own lost.If she does try to comme back,make her work very very very hard !!!!! Heartless people, it su*ks big time !

[donr]

I know she screwed up, and she knows she screwed up. My last contact with her was seeing her on the webcam crying and apologizing. However, this isn't about blame or fault.

 

Had I followed the smart way of approaching the situation, I could've repaired everything. It was pathetic of me to instantly forgive her and accept her back. It showed lack of dignity. We needed a slow path back into a relationship after a major crisis. That was the only way it would've worked out. Me taking the time to properly forgive her, and her taking the time to earn the forgiveness.

 

I jumped past that because I just wanted her in my arms. And I got her in my arms... for a week instead of long term.

[bitebenot]

I know she screwed up, and she knows she screwed up. My last contact with her was seeing her on the webcam crying and apologizing. However, this isn't about blame or fault.

 

Had I followed the smart way of approaching the situation, I could've repaired everything. It was pathetic of me to instantly forgive her and accept her back. It showed lack of dignity. We needed a slow path back into a relationship after a major crisis. That was the only way it would've worked out. Me taking the time to properly forgive her, and her taking the time to earn the forgiveness.

 

I jumped past that because I just wanted her in my arms. And I got her in my arms... for a week instead of long term.

 

We do things that normally we wouldnt do ! Love is not so logical..when we lose our mate we tend to panic..we react to quickly and therefore we use bad decisions ! Here on ENA,most did.I was dumped for the first time,i didnt know anything about NC..so i panicked..begged and cryed like a moron.

My pride took a beating,believe me ! I even begged in writting !

3 months now and i gave up totaly,shes gone for good.

Shes dating this dude and 3 days before she dumped me.

No need to tell you that she wont be back,dont want her anymore anyways.

By the way,i lost 25 pounds in 5 weeks ! Now i go to the gym too,it helps a lot.Losing 25 pounds did me good,i look better than before.

Thats one positive side of that break-up.That women loved me a lot,jealous and clingy..that didnt stop her ! Im still in shock !

Im moving on and im feeling a lot better now,and so will you.

[donr]

Yeah, I know, it's our time of greatest need so I'm not beating myself up too badly for messing up. It happens..

 

She just sent me an email saying she's failing in love with the new guy. Less than a week after we were together. Ah well, looks like that ship has sailed. They seem to be moving very fast though. That seemed to be one of signs of impending breakup. It's outta my control now..

[bitebenot]

Yeah, I know, it's our time of greatest need so I'm not beating myself up too badly for messing up. It happens..

 

She just sent me an email saying she's failing in love with the new guy. Less than a week after we were together. Ah well, looks like that ship has sailed. They seem to be moving very fast though. That seemed to be one of signs of impending breakup. It's outta my control now..

 

I wonder why she told you this ! Thats fuc*** cruel ! Whats the point ?

Is she trying to torture you ? i cant believe it ! Its so mean ! Sh1t !!

I think you should block her email address ! Let her be in touch with you only by phone and only listen to the messages.By the way,its true that shes moving on very fast ! No one can fall in love at that speed,impossible !

Its more likely to be infatuation.Surely a rebound situation.

[donr]

I forced her hand. I learned that they recently had sex and demanded to know why. She always said she couldn't see herself with him in a relationship. And combine the fact that she's never had sex outside a relationship... I wouldn't let it go and kept pressing her until she told me the truth.

 

I dunno, it's kinda freeing. I just gotta focus on myself and getting over her. This thing with the other guy is going to self-destruct, she has way too much guilt about everything. I'm not sure if she'll want to come back afterwards, or even if I'd accept her now. I'm moving accross country in a few weeks for a new job so I'll have a completely brand new start.

[klafeoj]

Kind of off topic. But have you ever heard of a man knowingly getting into a rebound (the man getting with a woman who is on the rebound) for ulterior motives?

[bitebenot]

I forced her hand. I learned that they recently had sex and demanded to know why. She always said she couldn't see herself with him in a relationship. And combine the fact that she's never had sex outside a relationship... I wouldn't let it go and kept pressing her until she told me the truth.

 

I dunno, it's kinda freeing. I just gotta focus on myself and getting over her. This thing with the other guy is going to self-destruct, she has way too much guilt about everything. I'm not sure if she'll want to come back afterwards, or even if I'd accept her now. I'm moving accross country in a few weeks for a new job so I'll have a completely brand new start.

 

Moving far a away will surely help you to heal much faster,its a big advantage at this point ! You know what,she will regret her decision,i dont doubt that.

She will try to forget you,but it will come back to haunt her big time.

Shes going to find herself in the same situation you are now, but you will be fare away and she wont be able to win you back ! Let her go and move on for your own sake.Shes gone for good i think.