Reverse psychology and the "Rebound" relationship

[DaveTrump]

She sounds naiive and probably needs to go through this crush phase to realise the difference between love and infatuation. She clearly has him on a pedestal like some love god, waiting for him to call her name so she can come a-running. As odd as it seems, she might even suffer heartbreak from this. She really needs a reality check to reign in all this unrequited love.

 

Best to leave her to it and let her find out in her own way, what this is all about. You can't convince her and furthermore, she'll just read it as jealousy, so leave her alone and wish her well with her "dream man"

 

Don't word it like that though; just say "Look, I know where I went wrong. Now I realise I need more time to get the old me back again, so for now I need to go no contact. Best of luck for the future."

 

You should then ignore any calls, texts, emails and so on. Just get working on you and leave it at that. Don't let her use you as a filler between her fantasies and being lonely pining for some dude she doesn't really know.

 

Best wishes,

 

 

DT

[TimeToGrowUp]

Do you still want to get her back ?

 

A small part of me would consider it. There was at one point a really affectionate, genuine girl ...... it's just that when the relationship got tough, her insecurities came out and old coping mechanisms started coming out. When you're with somebody as long as I was with her, you care more than to just forget. I think I'm the only person on the planet right now who would actually consider going to some sort of counseling with her. I think it would help the both of us tremendously.

[TimeToGrowUp]

I still wonder why she likes this guy ! How blind can she be ? Even if hes nice to her,cant she see hes dirt ? Only she knows i guess.Its strange to see someone take such a bad decison and dump the ex who was a lot better !

She will come back to her senses,but could take a long time.Too bad for her,it will be her lost and if she decides to come back, it will probably be to late.Most of the time,the dumpee has moved on and the ex is rejected for good.Strange world we live in.For better or for worse is no longer in fashion.

 

I know man. I SHOULD be laughing about this. I SHOULD know what that there's no comparison between him and I at all.....and I'm not an egotistical guy. Yet, the drastic differences between he and I are hard to not sit in disgust over. Some of the things I'm pretty sure she doesn't know of just yet, mind you I've been privy to much of this information from his ex-. She's got pictures to prove some of those things too. I mean she's with a guy who doesn't even pay his child support and she's a girl who came from a family where her father left her and her mom high and dry when she was young. How ironic.

 

..........but again, I think much of this has to do with the insecurities she has with her body. In her mind right now he's the "savior". He rescued her from her unhappiness with her weight. He was strokin' that ego for months.

[godgo37]

Yes, exactly! She was indeed heart-broken after, shw lost 20 pounds! She became totally obsessed with him, probably because he blew her off immediately afterwards. I was begging for the first 3-4 months, tried to get her back, so eventually I gave up, and told her that its over. Its been 18 days of NC now, she only called me once to ask me to help her with something, and she sends some funny emails, to which I don't reply.

My only concern is that she might find someone else in the meantime. How possible is this you think?

Thanks!

[bitebenot]

Yes, exactly! She was indeed heart-broken after, shw lost 20 pounds! She became totally obsessed with him, probably because he blew her off immediately afterwards. I was begging for the first 3-4 months, tried to get her back, so eventually I gave up, and told her that its over. Its been 18 days of NC now, she only called me once to ask me to help her with something, and she sends some funny emails, to which I don't reply.

My only concern is that she might find someone else in the meantime. How possible is this you think?

Thanks!

 

You cant do nothing more to bring her back,she will have to do it on her own.You cant force a horse to drink.Let her be for now and hope for the best.

NC is your only solution for now,will give her time to evaluate the situation and miss you.If she goes for another one,well at least you will know its all over.Whatever you do,just dont stand still and wait for her,it might never happen.Date in between,your allowed.Enjoy your time as a single man.

[godgo37]

I guess you're right, although its painful... I'm not ready to date again, but I will have to. Its difficult to get into the "hunter" mode again if you feel like this, you know... Its unfair, its much easier for women, they just have to get pretty and wait for a guy to approach, while we have to get into a positive mentality, which is hard if you feel a ton of bricks on your head.

Thanks for your help guys! Good luck to us all!

[bitebenot]

I guess you're right, although its painful... I'm not ready to date again, but I will have to. Its difficult to get into the "hunter" mode again if you feel like this, you know... Its unfair, its much easier for women, they just have to get pretty and wait for a guy to approach, while we have to get into a positive mentality, which is hard if you feel a ton of bricks on your head.

Thanks for your help guys! Good luck to us all!

 

I know what you mean,im in the same boat.Finding the right women is also a a full time job (for the right one).When you start,take it slowly and dont expect anything..it will come naturally.It can start as friendship and it will help you to move on faster.A new challenge for you,a new women..will be better then you think.That new women can make you forget a lot faster.As i said before,keep half of your heart for yourself so you wont get burned again so deeply.Did you know,75% of all break-ups are from women ? They can go from you relationship to another in a blink of an eye ! Sometimes, even when they are still in love and miss the ex ,they will stick with the novelty ! As you can see,we are doomed from day one ! Once it started,you've lost her.They are in a honeymoon and you no longer exist till the fun is over and they regret their move.But even then they wont act on it.Maybe its shame that stops them from coming back or the new guy is great or they get hooked on him.Thats why its hard to decide if you want them back after because when they do its always too late for them..bad timing mostly and also we remember the pain we had.Most would also have a new girlfriend...

Its very complicated..does she still love me ? does she miss me ? is there a chance she wil come back ? how long will it last ? NO ANSWERS ! Moving on is the only way to go.No time to waste,life is too short my friend.

[DaveTrump]

Yes, exactly! She was indeed heart-broken after, shw lost 20 pounds! She became totally obsessed with him, probably because he blew her off immediately afterwards. I was begging for the first 3-4 months, tried to get her back, so eventually I gave up, and told her that its over. Its been 18 days of NC now, she only called me once to ask me to help her with something, and she sends some funny emails, to which I don't reply.

My only concern is that she might find someone else in the meantime. How possible is this you think?

Thanks!

 

Seems crazy getting heartbroken over a dream. Hey, but at least she is in the process of getting over him day by day, and there's no chance she'll bump into him or anything. If she does find someone else it will be no more than a rebound or filler to ease her suffering. Has she turned to drink at all? If so, then that will increase the time it takes to heal.

 

You're just gonna have to let her find her feet again. You don't want to be a shoulder to cry on I take it, so just let her grow and she'll come out of this (slightly embarrassed) but more mature.

 

Take it easy.

 

 

DT

[Archangel77]

Hi, I've been thinking alot about my future and I realised that in order to move on and be able to live with that decision I needed to make one final gesture of good faith.

 

I guess closure is an important thing, Ive felt my ex was making a big mistake and I know that you guys said leave it, it won't make any difference and your right it won't.

But I sat her down and told her how I felt about it all and even asked her to work at things with me. I knew full well she would laugh it off but for some reason I realised how much power that gave me if she ever wanted to come back or even if she tried to blame any part of the relationship failing on me. She can't because she was given that ultimate chance of redemption, she didnt take it but I have the clear conscience, I stood up and bit the bullet. I feel pretty good now, it still hurts alittle but I know I played my part and was the best person I could be.

 

I think about the future and my little girl and at least if she ever comes and asks why me and her mum never lasted I can at least say I tried, it wasn't me.

 

It looks like and I pray this chapter is coming to an end and I hope the next one is the best yet.

 

Takecare

[bitebenot]

What you did is just fine,You needed to do it and it make's you feel better.

Now you can move on faster and be at peace with yourself knowing you tried your best.Take's a lot of gut's to do what you did.Now work on your own happyness and best of luck to you.

[godgo37]

Hi guys!

 

Just to update you on my situation... and to add to the validity of the theory: she called me two days ago, and she pretty much said that she wanted to give us a second chance to fix things! She actually told me "I woke up this morning and realised I was living my life without you in it, and I was shocked". So we met, and what she proposed was to start slowly again, and see if we can fix what was wrong. I of course agreed, I wasn't jumping with joy, but was rather cool and said that we can take it slow and we'll see where it leads us.

She says she's over the other guy (that ghost relationship, if you remember) and wants to see if he was the root of the problem or it had to do with us.

So indeed, No Contact works, in a way that makes the other party really get down and think if its indeed worth losing what they had, or if they deserve another chance.

Thanks for all your support guys! I'll keep you updated as to how it goes from here.

[syxx87]

Congratulations! Good to see another success story! If I may ask, how long were the two of you in NC and how did you initiate it?

[bitebenot]

Awsome,im very happy for you...at least some good news,its so rare !

[godgo37]

Thanks! If it wasn't for the people in this group, I would still be begging and pleading!

 

The "strict" NC phase lasted a little less than three weeks; The original breakup happened late last november, but since then we had some ups and downs, meaning she was calling, saying she missed me etc, but when I was trying to approach her she was running away. This happened 3 times... so after the last time, I was really getting so angry that I cut all communication and I didn't plan to ever speak to her again. I think it was that which actually did the trick... you have to actually believe it. If you do NC as a "trick" to get her back, I think it won't work. You have to believe it, and you have to send that "vibe" out.

Still I don't think its over, so I'm not dancing with joy. We're taking it slow, and there's a chance she might change her mind, but now I think she knows that I'm determined to end it then and there, no more games. I love her but I don't need her... the initial panic phase has gone.

So thanks again guys! And have faith; NC is the most effective strategy/mindframe you can have.

[LoveSoDeep]

I admit I haven't read all 87 pages of this thread....but it seems to be a lot of guys asking what to do to get their girl back (who now has a rebound) and the general advice is go NC.

 

I just wonder does this kind of reverse psychology work on men? Guys, imagine this you leave a long term gf who you thought someday you would marry for someone else...so yes it's kinda GIGS but it's also a rebound. I know that this new girl is lacking on some very important levels and that I must be filling those voids by remaining his friend...but he really values our friendship and has worked to keep that up. He contacts me constantly he tell his new gf that we are friends and he won't stop seeing me...whenever they are on the rocks he's nearly back together with me and then magically she comes back in the picture. Even when I don't ever leave any time there is conflict between them he turns to me...so I don't know what abondoning him as a friend will accomplish. From his perspective will I be a selfish B***H for wlaking away now? He's always said he is just confused and doesn't know what he wants.

 

Yes I know I brought this on myself and I take responsibility for my actions....and I can't say I'm ready to go NC and walk away....I just want to know what you guys who tried this on girls think it would work on you?

[bitebenot]

NC works for men or women.But no garantees.It might or it might not !

Right now he keeps you has a friend or a doormat ? What he tells you about his gf is it true ? I think he doesnt want to lose either one,hes not sure witch one he wants and hes in love with you and her ! You want him as a friend...but your presence doesnt help them at all.Since he has a gf and shes not happy about you being in the picture,you should leave them alone.If he decides to have you instead,he will let you know.But would he stay with you afterwards or go back to her after a while ? If he decides that you are the one,he would have to work hard to get you if not he will let you go shortly after.Also,would he stay in contact with the ex ? A lot of work ahead of you as you can see.That situation that you are in can be long term and disastrous.NC for healing first and to see what he wants.Friendship with him is a no no !

[LoveSoDeep]

Right now we are friends...well not just friends but I am not the doormat type and if I was he would have nothing to do with me. The thing is he doesn't really tell me about this other girl...we spoke about her a few months ago and he said he was seeing her and would not even call her his girlfriend b/c it wasn't that serious and too unstable. Basically he knows talking about her could be an uncomfortable subject so he avoids it completely...I think he'd be much happier if I had no idea she even exsisted but he knows I know. What little he does tell me I believe is true, but it usually negative in nature. I think you hit the nail on the head by saying he does not want to lose either of us but he's not sure which one he wants yet. Actually I know my being in the picture doesn't help them(but why would I want to help them?)...but her being inthe picture doesn't help me. She isn't happy he's friends with me but he wants her to deal with it and when she can't it causes them to fight...so if I step away it could actually make things much easier for her...and my ex told me he would not let me do that...so if I try to go NC he will not accept it. I don't think your right that I would have to make him work hard to get me back or he would be bored....he's just not that kind of guy...believe it or not, not all guys love the chase. Probably if he was back with me he would want to have contact with her still....I would only ask that he give her space to heal and leave her alone for a time (60-90 days maybe) and then if he contacts her to be open with me about it....while we were together for 3 years he had contact with 2 of his exs from long ago and I never had a problem with that....I would only have a problem with this one b/c it's so fresh.

 

We're having dinner tonight...which we do at least twice a week and actually I feel like telling him that I have this feeling he is "seeing" her again (b/c there was a point after Christmas for about 3 weeks when he was absolutely not with her but now I feel she's sneaking back in) and I have no reason to be upset or jealous b/c he's not my bf but as a friend I think he's making a poor choice (he's told me she did horrible things to him and she is mentally unstable and she just doesn't fulfill him intellectually) that it hasn't worked with her in the past (I swear they fight and break up every 2-6 weeks) and I don't think it will now...but what do I know? I want to tell him that I feel like the things he is lacking in his realtionship with her he is coming to me for...and it's not my job to help him feel complete in his realtionship with her...and quite frankly I have done it thus far for him b/c I love him but I don't want to do it if it's helping her...b/c I can't respect her.

 

Am I crazy? Is this a huge no no?

[bitebenot]

You cant be involved in his relationship.If you act in a way that would push him to break-up with her and goes to you,soon or later he will blame you for it ! Now you are more then a friend ! You got 2 solutions here.Stay in your position witch is not viable lets face it.

2nd,whitdraw yourself from the equation and force him to decide.Might be in your favor and maybe not.But something has to give !

Tell him your no longer his friend and wish him good luck for the future and stay away ! Trust me,you really have too because he wont do it on his own. He has no say in your decision,its up to you only.Far as i know,you have to react or die of a slow death.

[LoveSoDeep]

You cant be involved in his relationship.If you act in a way that would push him to break-up with her and goes to you,soon or later he will blame you for it ! Now you are more then a friend ! You got 2 solutions here.Stay in your position witch is not viable lets face it.

2nd,whitdraw yourself from the equation and force him to decide.Might be in your favor and maybe not.But something has to give !

Tell him your no longer his friend and wish him good luck for the future and stay away ! Trust me,you really have too because he wont do it on his own. He has no say in your decision,its up to you only.Far as i know,you have to react or die of a slow death.

 

This is what I was saying though. I don't want any part of his relationship with her...and right now I feel like I'm kinda forced to play a part in it... and I don't like it.

 

So are you saying I should leave out any part about me thinking he's making a mistake and she's not right for him? B/c the more I think about it I feel like that that's just a catty thing to say even if I do mean it as a friend and in the best possible way. It may just come out wrong and is best left out.

 

Yes I have 2 choices....1 stay where I am which is driving me slowly insane or 2 pull back away from the friendship and force him to decide....but you see the second part of choice 2 is me trying to force him to do something and you already said if I do that he may come to resent me.

 

I don't want to force him to do anytihng. I want him to know how the current situation makes me feel so we can both decide...I know this sounds weird but I think for him the realization that we may not be able to remain friends will hurt him more than me b/c I've been preparing for it for a while ...if I show him this is hurting me (unintentionally of course b/c I know he doesn't mena to hurt me) that might prompt him to make a decision on his own....is that totally unreallistic?

 

I know! I know! People in Heck want ice water....but hey I want what I want.

[bitebenot]

What happens in HIS and HER relationship is none of your business ! You are his friend not his mentor.You love him,fine..do something about it ! But just dont stay in that situation ! What if she trows him out the door,would you take him ? Again he could leave you to return to her ! If you stay away completely he will have to decide.His gf doesnt want him to stay in touch with you,i strongly agree with her,for her you are a threat to her relationship.I wouldnt be happy to see my gf talking or chatting with an ex !!l Again,stay away from him and hope for the best.Total NC,no communications of any kind unless he wants you badly ! By the way dont be afraid to lose him,you already have.

[bitebenot]

Lovesodeep,

I was exacly in the same situation years ago.I was with a gf and another women i knew for years tried very hard to win me.It happens that i did love the two of them.I never use the other one in any way,no sex at all with her.

It was so hard that i couldnt make a decision because i didnt want to lose one or the other.The other one at one point told me she had enough of it and told me she was giving up.It wasnt a bluff,she meant it.I was forced to decide.I took the decision to stay where i was but it did hurt me.Never saw her since. I still wonder today if my decision at that time was the right one,i will never know .

[LoveSoDeep]

What happens in HIS and HER relationship is none of your business ! You are his friend not his mentor.You love him,fine..do something about it ! But just dont stay in that situation ! What if she trows him out the door,would you take him ? Again he could leave you to return to her ! If you stay away completely he will have to decide.His gf doesnt want him to stay in touch with you,i strongly agree with her,for her you are a threat to her relationship.I wouldnt be happy to see my gf talking or chatting with an ex !!l Again,stay away from him and hope for the best.Total NC,no communications of any kind unless he wants you badly ! By the way dont be afraid to lose him,you already have.

 

You are right I don't expect him to share all of the details of whatever their relationship is with me. But when he starts sleeping with me again and then stops I think I deserve an answer as to why. Just to be clear though she is not his GF as far as I know he has never referred to her as his GF...in Oct 09 he said he was seeing her but it wasn't serious...and since then it has been he is single and they are just friends....I made very sure of that b/c if he is in a relationship with someone else I don't want any part of it...I don't respect for people that knowingly wreck someone elses relationship and I don't want to be that girl...even unknowingly.

 

Last night he told me he is just friends with her. He said that she is going through out-patient rehab for prescription drugs (which I knew) and he was just trying to be there for her through that b/c her friends didn't understand....he went through a phase in his younger years when he abused drugs and he never did rehab per se but he knows what it's like to try to stop the abuse.

 

He's just starting therapy so he really doesn't have a clue what he wants or needs in his life right now and I don't expect him to decide right away. He knows how I feel and I know I'm not alone in thinking maybe this rebound is not a good choice for him...but its his choice to make. I need to heal and move on and not wait around for him...so I'm going to try to date (and I have before I just took a break when we became intimate b/c I'm a one man woman)....but as long as we enjoy our time together I'm not going to be the one to cut it off.

[bitebenot]

The answer is yes,rebound or not.Stay in NC,if he still loves you he will be in touch with you.You know the rules,follw them to a "T" .The time apart will help him to think more clearly.Eventually he will miss you.Now you will have time to work on yourself,you need to improve or it wont work on a second chance.From what he said (doesnt want to trow it away) is a good sign.He does care im sure.Dont forget,NC at all ! He has to chase you first.You cant answer the phone,listen to the messages only.No emails either.He as to ask for reconciliation or nothing at all from you.It will be hard,but its your best chance to get him back.Stay here for support if you need it.

[bitebenot]

It gets better all the time ! So now hes got 2 gf ! Great for him isnt it ? Hes got serious problems..he cant decide...does he have any qualities ? I will tell you what i think;take your legs and run and dont look behind you ! He will steal your best years and you will be left with nothing ! Do you really see a future with this man ? I know,love is so strong,but we are talking about your own sanity here ! Do you feel like a mistress at this time ? im sure you do.

Dump him and look for the real one,you deserve better.This is a crappy life.

Your not happy,you put all your energy on him and you forget yourself totaly !

Wait a while and start dating and be very selective ! Stay away from rebounders,take time to know him very deeply ! Im hard on you because you need to wake up.Ignore him totaly and move on.In a few months you will be cheerful about your decision and your self esteem and pride will rise to the top again. ****** NO friendship with him either.

[inDenial]

The answer is yes,rebound or not.Stay in NC,if he still loves you he will be in touch with you.You know the rules,follw them to a "T" .The time apart will help him to think more clearly.Eventually he will miss you.Now you will have time to work on yourself,you need to improve or it wont work on a second chance.From what he said (doesnt want to trow it away) is a good sign.He does care im sure.Dont forget,NC at all ! He has to chase you first.You cant answer the phone,listen to the messages only.No emails either.He as to ask for reconciliation or nothing at all from you.It will be hard,but its your best chance to get him back.Stay here for support if you need it.

 

I don't know if he still cares. He broke up with me a few days before our real break up saying that I was too needy and he couldn't see me changing. I asked for another chance and he came back saying he loves me and didn't want to throw it all away and wanted to work things out. I was feeling insecure and things were weird for 2 days. then 2 days later after standing me up and not answering a lot of my calls he told me (face to face) that he didn't care enough to want to work things out anymore. he told me that he can't see it working out and he might be moving to another state soon (next year or so-for grad school). he said he wasn't excited to see me anymore and didn't want to put any effort into making it work.

 

What should I do?