Reverse psychology and the "Rebound" relationship

[DaveTrump]

Yeah, I know, it's our time of greatest need so I'm not beating myself up too badly for messing up. It happens..

 

She just sent me an email saying she's failing in love with the new guy. Less than a week after we were together. Ah well, looks like that ship has sailed. They seem to be moving very fast though. That seemed to be one of signs of impending breakup. It's outta my control now..

 

Sorry to hear this. My situation was similar to yours in that my fiancee ended our relationship 6 months before the wedding. We were together 5 years. Whilst insisting there was no man involved, she eventually came clean some 4 weeks after to let me know via a letter that she had been having feelings for some guy at work. Turns out they're getting married this year! So, another similarity in that the relationship has escalated to our old level in no time.

 

Psychologically, I believe it's some sort of urge that you need to fulfill to show the world you are doing the right thing. I just can't get my head around it really, but I'm hoping it works out for her; Irrational as it seems.

 

It has been a year now since the split and life for me is turning out great. The 1st few months weren't great but It takes time and really is a journey and a challenge to rebuild from scratch again.

 

You'll be surprised what comes out of adversity if you keep trying.

 

I know you wish for reconciliation in the future but I just wanted to let you know that if it doesn't happen then everything will be just fine anyway.

 

All the best,

 

DT

[Archangel77]

Hi, Im interested in how you make someone work hard to be back with you?

 

I think the whole psychology of the topic is really interesting.

[dazed_83]

-Even the greenest of grass on the other side of the fence may have a smelly turd in it-

 

Awesome quote.

[Unknown1607307972]

I believe NC and geniuinely working to heal yourself is good either way. Your ex may come back, they may not, but either way by moving on you're taking yourself to a better place. Wallowing, pleading, snapping, obsessing over will just make things worse with you and your ex, so will constantly trying to get them back (trust me, my ex did that and it just made me mad at him). It's normal after the break-up to be sad but don't show them all the pain you feel, turn to the others in your life for support. Then tell your ex you're going NC and that you wish him/her the best...and go. Make your life better again. There's no bad that can come of it.

 

You can't assume your ex will come crawling back, I'm afraid I never did come back to mine. It was over, and even with him out of the picture I never wanted to go back. I am happy in my current relationship. However *if* it's ever going to work and for them to come back you have to make them realise you're not going to wait around for them and make them see what they're missing. If they don't come back, well then you'll mend yourself and be independent enough in time to find someone else. Dating someone who is still majorly hung up on their ex is a huge turn off so even if you and your ex are not meant to be, the NC healing is still the best option. When I broke up with my ex he sought out rebounds and failed miserably because it was so obvious. My boyfriend's ex rushed into a relationship a week after he broke up with her (and he wasn't even with anyone else) and it was still obvious she wanted him when three months later he got together with me and she got so * * * * * y over it. Let go of the ex, at least work towards it, there is no good in wallowing once you're past the initial break-up stage and no point in clinging onto uncertain hopes.

[bitebenot]

Hi, Im interested in how you make someone work hard to be back with you?

 

I think the whole psychology of the topic is really interesting.

 

Simple,they can only reach you by phone,you dont answer it..you listen to the messages...if its not about reconciliation,you keep ignoring.

You have to make yourself scarce...When they ask for reconciliation,you can say "well,im not sure,im ok now"..say "you have a new friend"...

your very busy...you have to go now...keep conversations very short (5 minutes top).Never tell them what your up to or where you go.

They have to chase you in anyway you think its fit for the ex.

Each case is different,you have to do it smartly and whithout the ex knowing what you're doing.And not for a week but at least a month minimum.

If the ex is serious and has love,nothing will stop him/her from reaching you.

If its not done correctly,you're screw*d !

You dont meet them till they had worked hard core for it.

In a way,its playing hard to get ! They have to know they only have that second chance and no more !

[bitebenot]

I couldnt say it any better ! I agree TOTALY ! Its the only way to go !

[TheRevengeDoc]

If you're thinking about getting back with an ex, just give me a shout and we can talk about a game plan. I'm a professional writer/law school graduate who can seriously help in this type of situation, ie: crafting a perfect response to your ex. I honestly like helping people, and I'm good at it. Not trying to spam you up here, just want to do some good.

 

link removed

[bitebenot]

If you're thinking about getting back with an ex, just give me a shout and we can talk about a game plan. I'm a professional writer/law school graduate who can seriously help in this type of situation, ie: crafting a perfect response to your ex. I honestly like helping people, and I'm good at it. Not trying to spam you up here, just want to do some good.

 

link removed

 

Thanks for your offer,many can use your knowledge ! You are very kind to be willing to help others ! So many in pain here.they need all the help they can get.(fees,not free)

[TheRevengeDoc]

Well i really enjoy helping people out. Relationship stuff is my specialty, only real thing I ever feel like i'm making a difference in people's lives with!

[donr]

Hi, Im interested in how you make someone work hard to be back with you?

 

I think the whole psychology of the topic is really interesting.

 

You can't make someone work hard to get you back. They have to want that. How do you make them want it? Again, you can't. You can only do things to make them not want it.

 

Nearly everything you do after a breakup is going to push the other person away. Asking for another chance? Unattractive. Telling them you're in pain? Unattractive. Telling them you love them more than anything? Unattractive. Asking them to think of the good times? Unattractive. Buying them gifts? Unattractive. Doing things for them? Unattractive.

 

So by breaking off contact, you remove all these negative catalysts. "Winning" the ex back won't happen because you charmed them, guilted them, made her feel pity for you, logically convinced them, etc...It'll happen because of the strength of your old relationship and your ex's character. Remember: nothing you can say will make them want to come back. Most of what you say will make them never want to come back. It's a no-win situation.

 

Going into no-contact / little contact does many things

 

1) Allows you to concentrate on yourself, instead of analyzing all the interactions between you two to death. You can become a better person, which will be more attractive to your ex and others.

 

2) Gives them space to miss you and your qualities. This is very important. Your ex can't miss you if she can constantly see, text, or call you. She'll use you as emotional support while getting over the breakup. You cannot allow this to happen. Not only do you facilitate her getting over you, she'll lose respect for you because deep down she'll feel like she's walking all over you.

 

3) Gives you fewer opportunities to beg and plead for them back. It's very hard to always avoid this when in the pain of a breakup. If you're on a diet, do you spend hours in a fast food or a candy story? You want them back more than anything. Unfortunately, it's a huge turn off for the other person to hear this.

 

4) Creates an aura of mystery around you - If there's a third person involved, they have this mystery and you don't. You are a known quantity. This removes one of their advantages when your ex doesn't know what you're up to.

 

5) People want what they can't have. Remember thinking how much better the toy was at the toy store than after you got it? Same principle. If you're always around waiting to be taken back, you will be perceived as less attractive.

[TimeToGrowUp]

DonR,

 

I pretty much agree with most everything you said ...... even jogs a memory from a scene in the movie Swingers where Rob tells Mikey about "the rub" which you explained.

 

However, I do think there is slight degree of separation for certain reconciliations. For example, if a dumper breaks it off with a dumpee because of cold feet the dumpee is having, I do believe that dumpee still has an ace up their sleeve depending on if they want to man up and come forward with what the dumper was waiting for. I had a personal experience with this at one time earlier on in my recent relationship and going NC would've not been the right recipe.

 

For most others though, I do believe NC is the healthiest thing to. As you astutely pointed out - crying, apologizing, groveling, begging, etc etc .... all these things only reinforce the righteousness of the dumpers decision. It also makes you less attractive in their eyes. This is the point where these things are no longer overlooked by this person you used to be with.

[Archangel77]

Ok, you guys covered most of the bases but what about when you have to see your ex to drop off or pick up a child?

[Chris Knows]

Ok, you guys covered most of the bases but what about when you have to see your ex to drop off or pick up a child?

 

Keep your contact to a minimum if thats the case. You both have to be respectable adults for the kids sake.

 

I would keep it at a simple, "Hello", "How are you", 'Here is (childs name) homework" etc. Basically keep it simple and civil.

[tara_flynn]

It is one of the hardest things to go through. I moved back with my parents for the time being and when it comes time for the pick-up/drop off I usually ask my parents to answer the door and what not. It makes it a little easier on myself. I really want to see him but that doesn't help me trying to get over him. However, when it has to be me, I try to keep it simple. It's more of a "give me back my child and get out of here" kinda situation! lol

[bitebenot]

My break-up was over commitment...after she broke-up with me i did offer it to her..was rejected saying i felt forced to do it ! Shes got a new bf,she will try to obtain it from him ! So this puts me in the same boat than the others.

I dont have an ace to gamble with.

[bitebenot]

Ok, you guys covered most of the bases but what about when you have to see your ex to drop off or pick up a child?

 

Always keep the conversation about the child,nothing else,You always look happy and you dont ask anything about her.And of course you dont talk about yourself.Keep it simple and fast,in and out you go.Dont even enter her house.

Dress well and look the best you can.

[bitebenot]

It is one of the hardest things to go through. I moved back with my parents for the time being and when it comes time for the pick-up/drop off I usually ask my parents to answer the door and what not. It makes it a little easier on myself. I really want to see him but that doesn't help me trying to get over him. However, when it has to be me, I try to keep it simple. It's more of a "give me back my child and get out of here" kinda situation! lol

 

You do very good,cant do any better ! Keep it going,you're a winner !

[Archangel77]

Ok, what about someone who says there confused and lost, not really sure what they want and how they got in the situation in the first place?

 

Is that a case of them just trying to keep mr x on a string? or are they not lost at all, they always had control of the situation?

 

Its funny because I bare witness to being told so many things and then the other persons actions say different.

[syxx87]

Ok, what about someone who says there confused and lost, not really sure what they want and how they got in the situation in the first place?

 

Is that a case of them just trying to keep mr x on a string? or are they not lost at all, they always had control of the situation?

 

Its funny because I bare witness to being told so many things and then the other persons actions say different.

 

They probably are confused but they will still try and string you along. My ex was hitting me with the "I'm so confused" and the "I dont know what I really want" b.s. She was telling me how she was still in love with me but likes someone else and doesnt know what to do and at first I thought that I could stick around and show her all my good qualities that attracted her to me in the first place but I realized that it would do nothing but set me back so I finally went NC.

 

They'll say anything to justify how they feel and to keep you around out of fear of losing you for good but dont fall for that bait.

[Archangel77]

Its funny because I've told my ex im done with it, and she says about being confused and im not interested, dont get me wrong it tugs on the heart a little but I wont let her back in to screw my mind up again.

 

Her current bloke hates the fact I have my little girl so much and is so paranoid, hes started leaving deodarant and wrinkle creams in the bathroom, but nothing anywhere else, lol.

 

He currently stays most nights but isnt properly living there. Im pleased he feels so threatend by me

[bitebenot]

Whatever she says,its bull sh1t! Just ignore everything she says,she doesnt exist for you anymore.Shes keeping you on a hook like a fish.She knew what she was doing,she even took the time to analyse her decision and how to tell you ! She went along with it, even if it was going to hurt you badly.SHE DIDNT CARE ! I'll bet you she thought about it for a good month if not more.Get this into your head,she left you because she wanted someone else and shes out of love for you ! Yes she might regret her decision,but in all thats what she wanted even if it broke your heart in a thousand pieces !

She wants pity for what she has done..lol...just like saying " poor me baby "

Dont look for ways to pull her back,wont work ! Let her do it on her own,if ever.

NC and please, ignore her totaly ! Move on,stop dreaming.Its harsh,but truthful.

Think about yourself and your mental health,you are more important than she.

Let your pride kick in and forget her for good.If she doesnt come back,it was meant to be.

[bitebenot]

Its funny because I've told my ex im done with it, and she says about being confused and im not interested, dont get me wrong it tugs on the heart a little but I wont let her back in to screw my mind up again.

 

Her current bloke hates the fact I have my little girl so much and is so paranoid, hes started leaving deodarant and wrinkle creams in the bathroom, but nothing anywhere else, lol.

 

He currently stays most nights but isnt properly living there. Im pleased he feels so threatend by me

 

When they say they are confused,they should say " i feel guilty " instead !

Confusion is only an excuse because they feel they left out on moral values.

And then they want your blessings for the break-up. lol...

They are good actors i must say !

[tara_flynn]

When they say they are confused,they should say " i feel guilty " instead !

Confusion is only an excuse because they feel they left out on moral values.

And then they want your blessings for the break-up. lol...

They are good actors i must say !

 

I couldn't agree with you more. My ex says to me "I feel like I'm doing something wrong, but I don't think I am". He is playing both of us girls and he is getting away with it. Last week I had a little emotional breakdown and ended up texting him asking how he could do this to our family and what not. I wanted answers. He is not going to give them to me though because he has a pretty good life now, 2 girls!! But |I've been pretty good since my little crying session. I haven't texted him anything. I think I am starting to feel better about moving on. I can't keep letting him play me like a fool. I am so much better than this and I deserve so much more. He knows exactly what he is doing to me and knows that I am hurting so why does he keep doing it? I just need to think if he really wanted to be with me he would make that happen.

[bitebenot]

Like you said,hes got 2 girls hooked on him ! Hes going to play with them as long as he can ! He doesnt care about your feelings or if its killing you inside ! Hes a total jerk and me must be treated as such.When you stop answering him,the tables will turn around and hes the one who whill start the chase.He knows that if it doesnt work with one, he still has the other !

Withdraw yourself from the grid and watch him go bananas ! Believe me,he will ! Then you can have fun for a change and give him back his change and all in pennies ! That man doesnt deserve you,you can do much better !

[btlc23]

My ex gf broke up with me last June. We had been together for three years, lived together 1.5, and been long distance for about one year. Even though we were long distance we saw each every weekend. There are many reasons why I believe we broke up, but mainly I believe it was I became extremely weak and needy because I could not handle the distance. She claimed it was because I didn't treat her right, which is true but things were much worse in the past, but our love was strong because I felt she was strongly attracted to me. At the end she wouldn't even kiss me on the lips. The last time we had sex she said no kissing and turn music on. We used to wake up in the middle of the night and have passionate sex, many times a week. Also, I stopped trying to please her sexually as well, I just became very selfish. She saw pics of my hanging out with other girls two days after she tried to break up with me the first time. She exploded and would not talk to me on the phone. We were broken up, but I thought we would reconcile. I never gave her time to think, even when she asked forcing her decision. She broke up with me finally through text, and would refuse to talk to me. I know thats very cold, but I think it was because it was to hard to do, but still wrong. She contacted me for a few days and I did too, then I went NC, I occasionally contacted her basically begging her to come back. Then After two months of very limited contact I went full NC. She wished me a happy birthday in September. Since then I decided I was strong enough to want to talk to her and get some closure, but now she is ignoring me. She won't answer me at all. I don't know if she is mad that I didn't chase her or what. Recently, I saw that she was dating someone else. Later, I found out that she had been seeing this guy since September maybe before. I guess thats her rebound relationship, maybe thats why she wont talk to me. I sent her a letter in late november, and it was still in her inbox 2 months later read. I need some opinions, obviously I gotta move on but why won't she talk to me.