fnlyfrei Posted October 1, 2007 Share Posted October 1, 2007 I posted this here because it seemed the place..but it could have also gone under the heading "Relationship conflicts". I have a conundrum. I am newly married...my husand and I have known each just a year total now. In the past...two years or so ago...I was living with a boyfriend and his two daughters. We cohabitated with our kids for 10 months before I left the relationship, which was increasingly tearing me down mentally...he had many, many issues, which seemed to work against MY many, many issues. I had to take my kids and move away. I did. It tore my heart out that I had to leave his two young daughters....who became just like my own kids. I took care of them emotionally, financially and their day to day basic needs...I even took them to school every day. After the break up, I continued to try to visit with the kids on the weekends and spend time with them. I stopped because their father seemed to wedge himself into the relationship, even though he gave me permission to continue our relationship. Their own mother has no contact with them..(they are now 10 and 13) I did not want a relationship with HIM beyond a very light friendship.. It's been a year or so now...I am remarried to a wonderful man for the most part...but now I am missing the girls..and weird enough...they have asked after me again too (according to their father through email only) I don't care for him in the least. I do care for them. Am I stupid to want to keep in contact with the girls? Or should I let the whole thing go? Which is more selfish, to see them and spend time with them a few times a month..or to never contact them again? I know I am not obligated to at all....but my heart can't just cut them loose and let them think I don't care anymore. I do. I always will. I also do not want my husband to think that this in any way has anything to do with my ex bf. I don't have any feelings at all left for him. That is a non-issue. Thanks for your input. Link to comment
Dako Posted October 1, 2007 Share Posted October 1, 2007 That's a tough one. Is there a woman in your ex's life? If so, it might be best to step away and if your ex is a pain, the tension might disturb the girls. Still, it's hard to let go of such a deep bond. Do the girls call you? Link to comment
JadedStar Posted October 1, 2007 Share Posted October 1, 2007 Wow, fnlyfrei, this is a tough one. And I am not sure what to say. I think in the long run it is easier to let go, but i surely can appreciate your conundrum. I think it will make it hard on your current relationship to keep it up since this ex tries to get in between these visits. What about keeping in contact with them in email, and send birthday cards and such, but just limit the face to face contact to a great degree? This will keep them somewhat in your life, letting them know you care, and you wont have to deal with your ex. I did this with a couple of nieces and nephews of my ex. It was real hard to still visit with them because he always had to make an appearance and make things difficult. So i just now keep in touch via email and always send them something special on bdays and christmas. They in turn send me updates of what is going on in their lives. Link to comment
fnlyfrei Posted October 1, 2007 Author Share Posted October 1, 2007 That's a tough one. Is there a woman in your ex's life? If so, it might be best to step away and if your ex is a pain, the tension might disturb the girls. Still, it's hard to let go of such a deep bond. Do the girls call you? No, unfortunately, he hasn't had a steady relationship since we split. I guess most women are smarter than I was at the time, and I had to learn the hard way. His father and his wife share a house with him and the girls...but not forever, his dad's wife is a great lady, and I am sure she does the best she can for them in this situation. They have many needs emotionally because their mom has all but abandoned them..it's hard I am sure. I WISH that my ex had someone nice so they could have that void filled. The girls and I haven't spoken in a year or more. They ask after me and my son though. Link to comment
BornToResist Posted October 1, 2007 Share Posted October 1, 2007 What a tender age. I think if I was around that age and didn't have a woman figure in my life, I'd be upset if the one woman I got to know ducked out just like all the others. That's how kids see it I think. I think you should do what you can to make sure they know they are still important to you. I would try to continue the relationship with them. But that's just me. Link to comment
Dako Posted October 1, 2007 Share Posted October 1, 2007 Maybe you could be an "auntie" of sorts through communication with the grandma, as long as the ex is cool with it. Maybe I'm just deluded, but it seems like a possiblilty. Link to comment
fnlyfrei Posted October 1, 2007 Author Share Posted October 1, 2007 What a tender age. I think if I was around that age and didn't have a woman figure in my life, I'd be upset if the one woman I got to know ducked out just like all the others. That's how kids see it I think. I think you should do what you can to make sure they know they are still important to you. I would try to continue the relationship with them. But that's just me. Well, that is another part of it. I "lost" my mother when I was around 6. She essentially left me behind so she did not have to deal with my abusive bio father. So yeah, I see much of myself with them...and I hope I could be a positive force...so they might not have quite the issues I have regarding my childhood..I guess I might be selfish, trying to heal that within myself by trying to help them. Perhaps it's just a place I shouldn't go. Link to comment
fnlyfrei Posted October 1, 2007 Author Share Posted October 1, 2007 And I have three sons...I LOVED having girls. Selfish, selfish, selfish. Link to comment
BornToResist Posted October 1, 2007 Share Posted October 1, 2007 I don't think it's selfish. I remember the bonds I used to build with my older brother's girlfriends even. I would be so sad when they'd break up! Occasionally I'd get a letter or something from one of them and it meant the world to me. I still have them stashed away somewhere. I don't know your ex but I think it's important. Link to comment
Beec Posted October 1, 2007 Share Posted October 1, 2007 If I could tolerate being near the father, I'd do it. In a few years, the girls will come to see you without their father and be able to communicate without him knowing it happens. I'd be there for them if I could. It's not selfish, it's the opposite of selfish. You're not there to use the girls, are you? No, you want to have a relationship so you can help them grow up. Sounds to me like they may really need you. Not selfish at all. Link to comment
Dako Posted October 1, 2007 Share Posted October 1, 2007 It seems caring and generous, not selfish. Those girls are at an important age. Link to comment
Daligal83 Posted October 1, 2007 Share Posted October 1, 2007 I think it's a good idea to communicate with them through email or phone calls. Can you give them your phone number so they can call you whenever they'd like? I think it'd also be a good idea to talk to your husband about this. How does he feel about it? Link to comment
KG Posted October 2, 2007 Share Posted October 2, 2007 ff, How about writing them? You guys could penpal each other, have a "must respond by date", to encourage them to keep communicating. At their ages they can put thought to paper...It could be like you're special group!. exchange photos and the such. Just a thought! Hope this works out for you! KG Link to comment
fnlyfrei Posted October 2, 2007 Author Share Posted October 2, 2007 ff, How about writing them? You guys could penpal each other, have a "must respond by date", to encourage them to keep communicating. At their ages they can put thought to paper...It could be like you're special group!. exchange photos and the such. Just a thought! Hope this works out for you! KG Thanks...my exes 13 year old has already written me a letter and is sending her school picture. I think mail and emails are a good, slow way to start. If it develops into visits, I will discuss that with my husband. I think it would be great to be a positive female role model in their lives...and it makes me happy to know them too....! Link to comment
ImThatGirl Posted October 2, 2007 Share Posted October 2, 2007 Just came accross this... I think starting slowly and building a relationship with them would be good. It's been quite some time since you've communicated with them so I am sure they have had time to realize that you aren't going to get back with their dad. And the thirteen year old has reached out to you. Hugs~~~~ Link to comment
spinstermanquee Posted October 4, 2007 Share Posted October 4, 2007 fnlyfrei, yay! big ole' hugs to you. a kid can NEVER have too much love, and you seem like you have so much to give. bless you for thinking of them. yes we do make our own families, and you including the girls in yours is an unselfish and wonderful thing. it can only benefit them. i hope you can keep in touch, like another poster said when they get older they will come to you for deeper things, and advice and (especially) boy talk. even if they don't always maintain the connection you might keep reaching out periodically, because if not it might reinforce any abandonment feelings they may have from their original female parent. once again, bless you! love love love... Link to comment
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