Question for guys about PMS

[Krystal_Ivy]

I'd probably let my boss have it too! PMS doesn't pick n choose. I become a b*$#@ to everyone. It's just worse to my boyfriend because he is the one I'm around the most and most intimate with, so he deals with more of it. But lock me up with my boss for the weekend and him try to get intimate with me...yeah, I'd let him have it too!

[kellbell]

Hey Krystal,

 

From what you have described, it sounds like your severe PMS would be pretty detrimental to your life in general, from your personal life, romantic life, friendships and even in your professional life. So as you have been, finding some kind of relief is paramount. You just have to keep trying.

[melrich]

Hello men. Well I posted yesterday about how we females can become monsters during PMS. I was wondering what it's like from a guys perspective? Do you guys relaize that it's not really us? do you take it personally? or do you understand? how is it for YOU do deal with? just want to hear your point of views.

 

Hi Krystal, as the thread has developed it's obvious that you experience the extreme end of PMS.

 

I have never been in a relationship with anyone who really suffered severely from PMS. My current partner probably gets it the worst and that usually involves a few days of what I would call being a bit "testy". It has no real impact on us, I just give her a bit more space than I usually would I guess.

 

If this is something that you really are struggling with I think you should fully discuss it with your SO and try and help him understand what it is like for you. If you can develop some understanding for him, then hopefully he will be able to cope better.

 

I know when my partner was pregnant, we sat down early in the piece and talked about the various stages she would go through and the emotions that would come with them. It helped me cope much better with the eventual hormonal changes when they came on.

 

Oh...and continue seeking ways to minimise it. Something may work for you.

 

Cheers

[DN]

I'd probably let my boss have it too! PMS doesn't pick n choose. I become a b*$#@ to everyone. It's just worse to my boyfriend because he is the one I'm around the most and most intimate with, so he deals with more of it. But lock me up with my boss for the weekend and him try to get intimate with me...yeah, I'd let him have it too!

Your boss trying to be intimate with you wasn't the point. Using your boyfriend as an emotional punching bag is the point.

 

I agree with kellbell that this will probably have a detrimental effect on your life. Partly because your attitude towards your boyfriend seems to be that he should just suck it up and deal with it.

 

That is making your problem his problem and that is unfair. It is also likely to make him, and any other man with whom you become involved, leave you. Now, you could blame them for that but that won't help the lonely feeling you get when you are not suffering from PMS and there is no one there to share your life.

 

The debate about whether men should or should not tolerate any negative behaviour from their girlfriends who suffer PMS is all very interesting but I doubt anyone will convince the other side - the rights and wrongs will continue to be debated.

 

But what I do know is that few people will tolerate their lives being made a misery for 25% or more of the time and being blamed or abused for something outside their control. They will either leave or retaliate.

 

How can that help anyone?

[Krystal_Ivy]

"Partly because your attitude towards your boyfriend seems to be that he should just suck it up and deal with it. "

 

 

what else am I supposed to do?? I explained it to him. we've discussed it, he knows there is nothing I can do about it because he has been with me during the times where I HAVE tried everything. So he won't leave me, because unlike most of you, he actually understands. And he knows that's not me.

I think it would be pretty mean of any partner to leave someone for a disorder they can't help.

[PS363]

I'm glad you were brave enough to seek out a guys response to such a dark area of conversation for all guys. Let me start by saying that I really admire women all of the world. There's one theme you all have in common. Possibly innate, the mere fact that all the women I know, worked with, or studied -as in film and history- have the ability to communicate with each other and understand each other. For example, my wife can be watching Oprah or Dr. Phil and listen to the plight of the moment while the whole time looking at body cues- things guys are not as intune with, and give a whole hearted I understand with heart-felt feeling or react totally opposite of that. Then she'll look over at me and ask if I got it too. Or better still be upset that I "didn't get it... and you never get it do you?" . And this is regardless of her PMS period of the month.

Guys are not intune with each other like that. We're more intune with things that deal with competition. Like being the best... at work, play, drinking, taking pain, etc.

So to answer you question, for the most part PMS scares the 8///* out of us. There is however, a movement among some men to learn what you ladies have learned used, and worked with all of your lives. It seems like young ladies attain this as early as 4y.o. So you ladies have about 10 to twenty years of maturity over most men. As for me, I was a late bloomer for many reasons: ie. brainwashed to believe that men weren't suppose to be sensitive; that a mans' focus was to be the best at everything or settle for the next best thing; love is one of life's most unexplained and yet nicest actions that a guy can find- and sometimes when he's not looking; and finally after the first year of marriage- when the newness aka "honeymoon" wears off- that's when both husband and wife notice that something is different. In reality, it goes back to ladies being more mature then men in general. So maybe the notion of longterm courtship isn't outdated or old fashioned after all. At least the chance to grow together is more realistic without the flurry of premarital or marital consumation that greatly clouds a mans thinking. Much Confusion. Why? Maturity. I hope this helps.

[melrich]

I explained it to him. we've discussed it, he knows there is nothing I can do about it because he has been with me during the times where I HAVE tried everything.

 

Then as I said in my post, he should be much better prepared to cope with it if you guys have talked it out.

 

And he knows that's not me.

I think it would be pretty mean of any partner to leave someone for a disorder they can't help.

 

I agree, it is like any other medical condition. Understanding and support is critical in a healthy relationship.

 

Cheers

[DN]

"Partly because your attitude towards your boyfriend seems to be that he should just suck it up and deal with it. "

 

 

what else am I supposed to do?? I explained it to him. we've discussed it, he knows there is nothing I can do about it because he has been with me during the times where I HAVE tried everything. So he won't leave me, because unlike most of you, he actually understands. And he knows that's not me.

I think it would be pretty mean of any partner to leave someone for a disorder they can't help.

I think most of us do understand - PMS is not the only disorder that people suffer from. Some of us for instance have debilitating pain from various ailments, migraines for example. But when those things are affecting sufferers there is no need to take it out on the people around us - our loved ones, no matter how understanding they are. There are alternate ways of dealing with it - removing oneself from the situation, for instance, or directing the irritation or anger elsewhere. These methods are well documented and can be researched - I am not talking about reducing or minimising the effects of PMS as those have already been mentioned. - I am talking about ways for you to deal with what happens to you when it does so that you don't feel the need to pass the problem along to a SO.

 

Saying that your boyfriend understands is all very well, but negative behaviour can seriously damage a relationship over time. Every instance will undermine it a little more, each outburst will become less and less tolerable and eventually there is a strong chance he will leave you. I do not say this to make you feel bad but in an attempt to help both you and your relationship. Making it his responsibility to deal with your behaviour is not a good idea - you would be wise to try to find ways of changing it even if you cannot find a way of curing the cause of it.

[fnlyfrei]

I have had PMS for years. The mood swings are awful. Some months I am fine, some I am completely depressed. I think any physical malady is individual. Some women give birth and say it's a breeze, some have a horrid time and if anyone spoke to them that hadn't had children, they wouldn't just from the description of their experience/perception. Your body, as a female, is in fact, preparing to harbor a life every month. It's no small task...and when it happens, and everything works...bam ! You have a baby! Wow.

NO ONE can minimize someone elses pain...or problems. You don't have the right. In either direction.

I know like Krystal, I feel outside myself and it's not easy. I have tried anti-depressants....fine if you don't mind not being happy or sad for me, kinda just...flat. I WISH I could be completely alone for at least a week before my hormones level out. Not a realistic way to think, but that's how bad I feel.

When I weight trained and did regular cardio, and cleaned up my diet, I hardly had a cramp, and the emotional symptoms were minimized...for me. I think it was the natural endorphins from being more active, and keeping my body fat lower, which also keeps the estrogyn from taking over.

My SO and I are in a new relationship, and he is learning not to take my swings personally, but I am trying to do what I can to minimize them.

I don't think this thread was meant as a battle of the sexes, Krystal just wanted to see the other side, which I think is very open minded of her.

I also don't think this thread had much to do with someone's ongoing problem with not getting sex, which isn't the root to all happiness.

I find that not only are there some bumpy patches to PMS, but there are times when I am wildly creative, and it's not all bad.

Just remember Krystal, to take care of you, allow yourself some time away from people if you need it. I'm with ya sistah !

[PS363]

Melrich and DN are very correct and I appologize for not posting in order. I'm new to this post and for the most part new to any forums. So How did I find this one? I was - doing what I normally do; that is to say checking up on my children: teenagers and preteen boys and girls. So without giving myself away- as to not scare them away from finding the answers this forum may provide for them- boy am I thankful, thanks; parenting is a tough gig. You do what you know is right-- which later you may find that's not altogether true. Only partially true. Somehow I just wanted to believe that my parents, step-parents, pastors, friends in authority- ie. the "old folks" who managed to raise a generation and make it thru with their kids still alive. Sorry I tend to ramble sometimes.

As I started out, I've just very recently started listening/ reading your forum. And the subject caught my attention. So for better or worse I replied. I replied without giving you ladies the courtesy of reading you post so as to be relevant and on-time with my reply.

Melrich and DN you have my respect. Krystal_Ivy to you I owe a personal apology. I really am a classy guy. Just not "with it" when it comes to forums and posting. Although I find them intriguing. So forgive me for interrupting.

[anna0511]

This is a bit off-topic but this post reminds me of someone and I just wanted to share the story. There was this girl that used to live with me and she had horrible horrible PMS. While living together for a couple of months, I remember that she made a couple of trips to the emergency room cause she was so sick and would cry all the time. However, never did she pick a fight with anyone or act impolitely to any of the other housemates. In fact, she was even more kind and made it a point to not let her PMS affect other people. We always worried about her but she would hardly ever let us come with her to the E.R. I think she was just the type of person though who would rather cry in her room by herself rather than trouble others.

[anna0511]

I just remembered that she said acupuncture really helps. Just a suggestion for those who suffer from severe PMS, this might help.

[iamtheone]

I have depression and I think PMS for me can be quite similar in some ways. Feeling physically ill for a week and a half is not fun. I think it depends upon the woman; like any illness etc people react differently. Some people suffer quietly, others don't. I think if someone has a longstanding condition which affects them (eg depression, bad PMS, a disability etc) and they are trying their best to get treatment etc, then their SO should be understanding. However this is not at the expense of the SO. Longstanding conditions like this do take tolls on relationships so I think it's up to the people concerned if they can cope with it or not.

[Danielle84]

I hope that all of the men get something from this. Honestly it is so hard to control. I don't think that there is anything that a man goes through that can even compare. When you are going through PMS you honestly believe that your feelings are legit. You can be sooo wrong but during that time you would swear it on a bible. I don't know how else to explain. I am trying to take control of mine but loose it two weeks before I start.

[TheFoglifter]

... it is so hard to control."

 

Let me ask the question flat out. Is it HARD to control, or is it IMPOSSIBLE to control?

 

... don't think that there is anything that a man goes through that can even compare."

 

You are not a man, you cannot say that.

 

... you are going through PMS you honestly believe that your feelings are legit. You can be sooo wrong but during that time you would swear it on a bible."

 

I don't need PMS to believe my feelings are legit. I can be angry, frustrated, horny, sad, happy, motivated... and during all those times I honestly believe I'm right.

 

... am trying to take control of mine but loose it two weeks before I start."

 

So let me ask again: is it HARD to control, or IMPOSSIBLE to control?

[fnlyfrei]

... it is so hard to control."

 

Let me ask the question flat out. Is it HARD to control, or is it IMPOSSIBLE to control?

 

... don't think that there is anything that a man goes through that can even compare."

 

You are not a man, you cannot say that.

 

... you are going through PMS you honestly believe that your feelings are legit. You can be sooo wrong but during that time you would swear it on a bible."

 

I don't need PMS to believe my feelings are legit. I can be angry, frustrated, horny, sad, happy, motivated... and during all those times I honestly believe I'm right.

 

... am trying to take control of mine but loose it two weeks before I start."

 

So let me ask again: is it HARD to control, or IMPOSSIBLE to control?

 

Fog, we are on your side, we WANT to control our symptoms...do you think we LIKE being so unhappy two weeks out of the month????

Doctors perscribe anti-depressants which kill your libido...you know...sex? I am sure you might, of all people, understand how that can affect a relationship. Sitting here arguing about IF we can control it or not doesn't solve anything. Just makes our PMS act up.

[Danielle84]

You know...I have a husband, two brothers, a dad and a * * * * load of guy friends...YOU DON'T KNOW WHAT IT'S LIKE!! My husband and his sales manager get together once a week to celebrate being a man. They feel so sorry for us woman...yet again...because they don't know what it's like. Our hormones are nuts...nothing like a man's. I wish it was 100% possible to control how I feel. I wish that I felt the same all month but I don't and I got on here to look for people to share with and try to find a solution. I am SOOO LUCKY that my husband doesn't think like you. He knows that I love him and that I don't mean to be like that. If I snap at him he just kinda smiles and hugs me. I am so lucky!!

[TheFoglifter]

... we are on your side, we WANT to control our symptoms...do you think we LIKE being so unhappy two weeks out of the month????"

 

I know you don't like it. Its uncomfortable, inconvenient, and painful. I am glad you want to do your best to keep it under control for the benefit of those around you. Indeed, wanting is the first, but not only step towards successful problem solving.

 

Yes I know full well what a lack of sex does to a relationship. Are you saying that arguing about PMS makes you feel the same way that denying me sex makes me feel?

 

Doctors also prescribe drugs which increase libido.

 

... knows that I love him and that I don't mean to be like that. If I snap at him he just kinda smiles and hugs me. I am so lucky!!"

 

I think we are all educated enough to know that you don't MEAN to be like that. I just assert that it doesn't give you carte blanche to explode, and then get off the hook later.

[CarnelianButterfly]

Doctors also prescribe drugs which increase libido.

For men. There are no FDA approved drugs for women.

 

---

 

I honestly wonder how many guys don't like PMS because they get to see what its like to be with a person willing to express their anger. One thing I've heard hundreds of times is guys saying that a women whose showing any sign of anger, annoyance, or frustration must be PMSing. Can't a woman just be pissed off and not be told she's just being hormonal. Sometimes PMS isn't causing the emotions, it only lowers the inhibition to actually express them.

[fnlyfrei]

Really? What drugs are there for women that increase libido? Sounds like we need a whole lot of pills just to exist. Bummer. And no, I was saying that the same stupid drugs that they perscribe for PMS -take AWAY our sex drives. And I know how concerned you are with women's sex drives..or lack therof. Mine sex drive is wonderful...but if I took anti-depressants for my pms, then I suppose my SO would have to deal with what you deal with. (I wonder if there is a pill though for mysogyny? Hmmm...)

[DN]

I think this argument or debate is interesting but ultimately pointless because people are not going to accept the other people's point.

 

But let me ask those women who say that men should accept that their partner's will act in that way a question. Suppose they don't? Suppose that you are never able to find a man who will accept some form of emotional or physical abuse every month or so? (I don't mean minor irritation). Are you just going to live without men at all and blame them for not understanding?

 

My point really is this: it is all very well to somehow require men to be understanding but the fact is that anyone, male or female, has a right to end a relationship if they are unhappy - all or some of the time. Especially if that unhappiness is caused by their partner and whether they can help it or not.

 

Just as people have a right to leave someone who has mental illness, such as depression, or someone who perhaps has a need for behaviour altering drugs for a physical injury so someone has a right to leave a woman whose PMS makes their lives a misery. You can't impose an obligation on a partner to stay with you - they must decide to do that of their own free will and it is their decision to make. You may think less of them for making it but that won't keep them with you.

 

You don't have any moral right to make other people suffer for your problems.

 

When you get married you usually make some sort of vow about 'in sickness and in health' but that is not imposed on a relationship before marriage - and many people disregard their vows anyway and are not condemned for it - hence the divorce rate.

[TheFoglifter]

Excellent points DN!

 

Its just like I said in the other thread. One party does not unilaterally get to say "this is how I am, take it or leave it". Its not 100% one person's responsibility to do all the accepting while the other person gets to stand firm. Compromise is about giving and taking equally so that everyone ends up with something.

 

I could make the same argument about sex too, or hell, about ANY trait. Its all well and good for someone to say "my partner needs to accept x,y,z" but what if nobody wants to accept those things? Eventually, you are going to have to compromise.

[fnlyfrei]

Yes, excellent point DN ! Everyone has the choice to leave or to stay. No one has the right to impose their problems on someone else. No female here stated that she expected the man to stay..did she? Show me the quote if I am wrong. And like Fog said...he can leave. At that time of the month, I probably woud prefer if my SO went away for a week.

My fiance' has been fully informed of my PMS, has gone through it, and I might add...I told him I would fully understand if he wants to cancel the wedding. He doesn't. So the fact that you posted that someone like me has "No moral right" to make someone else put up with my problems is ....silly really. I am sure many men know what they are getting into..but they still go forward. You make it sound as though we women are holding men hostage in relationships. You are mistaken. Men have a choice too.

[Krystal_Ivy]

I just thank God my boyfriend does not think like DN or foglifter.

[Danielle84]

Yeah I think people are getting way off of the subject and reason for this post. Communication and understanding is key. No one is a hostage. I want other woman and men out there to know that I go though this and I understand this and you are not alone. It takes a very good and strong man to put himself aside for a second to understand that women are different and have different needs, and this is one of them for most women. Thanks to all of you wonderful women who stood up for you sisters!!