At this point again

[swtsmr93]

I feel pretty foolish posting here again. It seems like I should either get this over with or get it together and stop being such a pain.

 

I have been in the pain of depression for just so long. The pain is crushing and it lets up for a tiny amount of time but not enough to really enjoy anything or find a degree of peace.

 

My family gets really frustrated and I cannot blame them. They all are able to accomplish whatever it is they set out to do, function like normal, and do not understand that I have tried really hard, taking all of the meds, going to therapy, trying to change my mindset.

 

I also am so ridiculous that my heart is still breaking over a man that I wasn't in a real relationship with! Although we talked or emailed several times a day for a couple of years, I didn't see him regularly, he took my out for dinner 2ce, and never took me to his place or to meet his friends. He is also at least bi but dumped me for another woman to whom he is now married.

 

What is wrong with me that I can't get it through my head he never wanted me and was using me to indulge in his many fetishes? I was convinced he cared because he said he loved me a few times. He claimed he couldn't deal with the person he was with me and couldn't deal with the shame of all he had done--it was all his freaking idea! How could I be so stupid and how can I still hurt over something so trivial?

 

We did have a baby girl that was stillborn. My heart cannot take thinking about her. So I focus on him--he never spoke to me after I told him I was pregnant and never responded when he found out what happened.

 

This is basically a repost of another. I just keep reliving how utterly foolish and stupid I was an am! And how stupid I was to think there was anything there.

 

Anyway, the whole point is I do not have a reason to hang on right now. I do not have a job, I do not have a real place to live, and I just do not function. I am essentially a hermit and have no desire to change that.

 

I am sorry that I am so dense that I keep posting the same thing. It's just more proof to me that I am not going to get better.

[ElektraHere]

Hello,

 

I am sorry that you are feeling so lost right now. I too have been in your shoes and I too thought leaving the Earth was my only cure. However, there is light at the end of the tunnel. I promise you that.

 

If you would like to PM me I would be happy to listen.

[AwdreeHpburn]

Hey swtsmr - This stuff is not trivial and don't feel like you have to minimilise it.

 

Going thru losing a child, at birth or anytime is very traumatic. Have you talked with a Dr about possible Post Traumatic Stress Disorder?

 

Maybe you've already covered that ground - just a suggestion.

 

Also - maybe you should face that tragedy head on instead of as you say, focusing it all on him....??

 

I'm not trying to say anything revolutionary, I guess I'm really just trying to say, don't be so hard on yourself for STILL feeling bad. Feel what you feel.

 

But you may need to talk about somethings at length and really deal with some of the difficult bits.

[kmartin85]

You do have a reason to live. YOU! Get up, get dressed, put a smile on your face, go apply for jobs, make some new friends and get over it. I am sorry to be so blunt but it really is reality. Men and women get dumped and blown off all of the time and they get over it. It does hurt. You do have the right to be sad, but for only a little while. He is married now, you no longer have a connection to him. There are many more men out there that will love and cherish you. But you have to love and cherish yourself first.

[sandyv]

Swtmr93,

 

Hey, you have given me some good advice, so here I am now...... You have the strength to get through this, but you have to work on getting that strength together....

 

I know about that kind of pain, lots of things I haven't said that have happened between me and *J* I haven't even spoken of here on ENA, because it hurts to much to talk about.

 

Take this one day at a time, I know you can do it.... I am, but its no easy road, easier said that done... but don't stop believing you can do it, because you can...

 

(((HUGZ)))

 

Sandy

[TheDoors4414]

Theres always a light at the end of the tunnel... an incredible cliche, i know, but its very true. Ive been where you are, and it sucks, but thankfully your not alone, and if your looking for a reason not to kill yourself, well look at all the people who cared enough to try and help you through a (great) internet site.

[swtsmr93]

Thank you all. I am embarrased that I am at this point. I am of the opinion that I should not be hurting this badly and I truly do not have anywhere to turn to talk about this outside of my tdoc.

 

I know I need to get out and off of the computer. I am afraid to meet people because I am in such a bad place I would be more of a burden. And I would likely burst out crying at the first sign of kindness--not the sort of thing that most people warm up to.

 

I get in my head all of the things I need to do. That's why I am so mad at myself too. I get it but why I am not doing it is the part I don't understand.

 

Anyway, I hate wearing out my welcome here as the person who is always on the brink. I really appreciate the help here.

[swtsmr93]

Feeling a bit better this afternoon. In part because I have read posts from some of you here that show such incredible strength and I remember when I was that strong.

 

I am also trying to let some of the anger out without losing control(and sending the guys wife all of his stuff!) And not take it out on myself.

 

Thank you again for just letting me vent.

[Donster]

Swtsmr93,

I've read your posts here and on your other threads. I wish I could give you a big hug! You've been through so much. Just know that when the dark clouds pass by, there will be sunshine. Things do get better. And you will eventually find yourself happier than you ever thought you could be. And at the same time, you will find yourself making someone else, the right person next time, happier than they have ever been.

 

Depression is nothing more than anger turned inside out. Look in a mirror and tell yourself every day that you have no reason to be angry at yourself.

 

You say that you remember when you were strong. Go back and do more remembering of those times. Then go and be strong, rather than thinking about it. We all possess a lot more strength than we think we do.

 

One last thing, do you have any friends to lean on during these difficult times? They don't have to hear your stories--I'm surethey already have. But a big hug every now and then can make a big different to how you feel.

 

take care!