LotusBlack

So much needless wondering. It could all be solved by one conversation - “Hi ______. I had a really great time on the weekend with you. I’m not sure how we might go about the distance, but, if you’re interested in seeing each other again, I’d love to go on/take you out on a date and see how things unfold from there. Is that something you’d like to do/pursue?” So much could be clarified with a single conversation. Two birds with one stone - you’ll find out where he stands and if favourable, you’ve also just created the opportunity to plan a date. I’ve lived in Europe - in Dresden/Pirna, which is right on the German/Czech boarder, and would often take a 2 hour bus to Prague, which was fairly cheap. I wonder you can do something similar and each meet half way to reduce individual expenses and travel time.

Talk to your boyfriend and explain it to him just as you did here. Ask him his thoughts on the matter and how he feels about it. Let him know you want to be respectful to him and your relationship but also would love to catch up with your friend. I think men and women should be able to be friends and I am not particularly receptive to others requiring giving me permission to spend time with whomever I desire to spend time with, especially when all is above board, but I also want to acknowledge my partner and his feelings. So, discuss the matter with him and the boundaries you each have in place with each other and with other people, then make your own choice about what you want to do.

It’s 2 hours! That’s not very far. It takes me an hour and a half each way every day to get to work. My sister drives to our other sister’s house almost every weekend and they are also an hour and a half away. I don’t consider a 2-hour distance a long distance relationship at all, but, then, I’m from Australia and these kinds of distances are standard to even go to the beach or shopping centre. No one bats an eye here at a couple of hours. Also, I think you are not putting in much effort at all, yourself. By your own admission, he is almost always the one to initiate contact and actually MAKE proper plans with you. If I were him, I’d think YOU were lukewarm at best and uninterested at most. Your expectations, as others have said, are beyond unreasonable. Also, I think him honouring his previous commitments with his father demonstrates a level of integrity that I would find very attractive. He doesn’t go back on his word. And, perhaps his father is unable to reschedule. Edited to add that I just read your update. Hope things keep going in a positive direction.

Refer to below post - was a glitch in the network when I submitted my response.

You don’t love Brian with all your heart. If you did, you’d not even be able to find yourself in this position. What have you done to work on your relationship so that there is an end goal in sight for the distance or to keep you and Brian romantically close while separated? Be honest with Brian and end things, as you are behaving like a single woman dating - so be a single woman dating. I’ll never understand people’s lack of commitment to addressing their own relationship issues with their partner and seeing if they can reconnect instead of immediately choosing to step out on their partner at the first sign of problems in the relationship. Relationship maintenance is necessary for the healthy functioning of a partnership, just as a car needs ongoing servicing to run smoothly before trouble arises. Why people don’t invest the time needed for that, I’ll never know. 🤔

Honestly, I don’t think your girlfriend struggles with abandonment issues, to be perfectly honest. I think she suffers from paranoia that you will do to her what she has done to previous partners and what she is now doing to you - and projecting her bad behaviour onto you and your relationship. A person who behaves this way is always concerned that others are doing the same as they are. Much of this is about control and not wanting to be in the dark like she has done and continues to do to others. When a couple is very serious and long-term, mature, and balanced, it is healthy for partners to prioritise each other above all but their children first. When you are young (and/or in a young/relatively new relationship - or any relationship really), such as you are, and have important and healthy friendships that hold real value to you, such friendships should not become the collateral damage of a relationship where one partner has unrealistic, unhealthy, and unkind expectations of and feelings towards the other and those within their partner’s friendship circle. The way she treats your friends - who offer her hospitality that it appears even her own friends seem not to, and are able to regulate their opinions towards her out of respect for you and their respective friendships with you - is not acceptable. In your shoes, I would move on from the relationship and look for a person without that manipulative baggage - when the time is right for a new relationship. If you choose to stay with her, expect more of the same, only increasingly worse.

It’s really hard to see this from your perspective, but from the other side of things and with many of us ENAers being in our late 20s, 30s, and onward - it really is not a huge issue at all that you didn’t say everything on your mind all in the first few dates. Savour the moments and stay present. Slow down, take a breath, relax, and don’t overanalyse yourself into knots. Things went totally fine. And if you ever feel like you left someone unsure as to your intentions or how you felt, you simply follow up with a positive but short message saying you had a great time and look forward to seeing them again soon. Don’t throw yourself under the bus by apologising for non-issues that the other person probably hadn’t even considered until you outed yourself. Only do that if you really actually messed up. This was not one of those times. Now, leave things marinate and let her enjoy her trip and respond when she reaches out.

She sounds equal parts insecure as all heck and completely wrapped (by herself) in infinite layers of cotton wool so as to preemptively protect herself from any potential emotional hurt she expects to inevitably feel. At the same time, she is disassociating from developing any kind of emotional connection after being intimate with someone, likely in the hopes of not getting hurt. But it all results in this cold, insensitive behaviour towards [potential] partners. To be honest, I think it is incredibly selfish of her to even be going on dates if that it her attitude and mindset. She is wasting people’ time. If all she wants is no-strings sex, then that is what she should pursue, and give up the pretence of dating. You made the right call stepping away from all her pending drama.

To be honest, when you said he’d say something sweet, I kept reading and waiting for the sweet thing he was meant to have said. I had to reread the passage again to pick up what you thought was sweet. I’m assuming it’s the statement in bold italics? Honestly, that doesn’t read as sweet; it reads as petulant and emotionally manipulative after you unwittingly called him out on his mind-game antics. I’d be done the second someone spoke to me in such a manner and called me names. You’re teaching him how to treat you by putting up with his abuse. And as a previous poster mentioned, even just fwb require an absolute minimum of respect and decency n order to engage in a healthy fwb relationship.

Move on, he’s not worth your time if he can’t even be clear on a time and place. Next.

I agree with the other posters. In addition, I’m not so sure this woman’s father gave you permission. Given that you believe that you were in a relationship with the daughter and that she loves you despite her repeated requests to leave her alone, I strongly question the reality of her father giving permission. And If he did so, it was not his place to offer such a thing. Your time, energy, and money would be much better spent on investing in yourself rather than someone else, at least for now. Work towards getting yourself sorted out in terms of a good, stable household, a reliable and fulfilling job, a supportive social circle, and good mental and physical health and well-being. Once you have all that, things will happen for you and fall into place. You may even meet a woman that truly is a good match for you. I’m certain she is out there, but you have to be in a good place within yourself to be able to recognise her when you [two] cross paths.

You expect and wish for Jamie to support you through your pending break-up? Dude, you don’t deserve his support! How can you have the audacity to hope for that when you unethically and immorally engaged in an intimate relationship with his wife completely unbeknownst to him and when he gave you and his wife the honour of his precious trust while alway. Do Jamie a favour and remove yourself from his life completely; you’re not an honourable friend to have around. Chloe certainly isn’t a good wife either, but that is none of your concern or within your control to action; you can only control your own behaviour and should only control your own behaviour. To be clear, no one here is faulting you for having feelings for Chloe or having lost feelings for Gemma - things are what they are. What people have a problem with is your complete and utter lack of integrity, honour, decency, honesty, self-awareness and self-respect, and the respect for all those around you who are directly connected to both yours and Chloe’s families/lives. Sort yourself out and have the decency to not ask for Jamie’s support while you finally do the right thing by Gemma and leave your charade of a relationship.

The thing is, is that if he actually cannot commit to them 50% of the time because of his job, then he shouldn’t have then 50% of the time. He sees his gf as having his girls when he isn’t there as a positive, but it isn’t; they aren’t there to be with her, they are there to be with him, but he isn’t there, so realistically, they shouldn’t be there as it is a moot point and defeats the purpose. And no, he is choosing to view his situation as being the only thing he can do. He has a job, pays no rent, so he can afford a deposit for his own place and then negotiate having his daughters for an amount of time that reflects his availability, or change jobs once his service is up. Sometimes people are addicted to drama even if they don’t like it. Seems to me that there are a number of options that he could go with that are infinitely better than the choice he is currently making, but he’s decided to get in his own way. When he’s ready to get serious with himself and his way forward, he will do what needs to be and can be done.

As the previous posters said - you are not her parent, so putting yourself in that dynamic will not end well for your relationship or create positive feelings towards you from her. It’s inappropriate and undermines you both and the relationship. If she has a number of issues and she is aware of what they are and what needs to be done to address and resolve them but chooses not to, then the only thing you can do is choose where your limits and boundaries are and honour them. The ball is completely in her court and it’s on her to decide what her priorities are and how she handles herself. All you can do is respond to those choices by making your own. For example, if she chooses not to seek help for issues she feels she has and will not contribute to the household finances, then you can choose to separate from her or walk away completely. You also don’t get to tell her what she must do or how she must handle her relationships. You can certainly let her know that if things don’t change then you will reevaluate the relationship. But, don’t say anything you don’t mean or intend to do, and definitely don’t make threats or give manipulative ultimatums. Just let her know what you need in a marriage for it to be successful and that if she is not able or willing to meet you half way/compromise/or meet those relationship needs then your choice will have to be to walk away. It’s a tough situation, but recognise what is and isn’t appropriate for you to involve yourself in or push your position on.

That is such a problematic assumption. My mother was married to my father for 30 years before they divorced. She even remarried but kept my father’s last name. She always said that she wanted to have the same last name as her children. So, you are doing quite a bit of speculating and making very judgmental assumptions without considering that different people have different reasons for doing things. Take a huge step backwards and try to establish a bit more perspective. As many others have said, he is very busy taking care of his daughter and likely looking for a job. I’d actually be concerned if, at only 6 weeks, a man in his difficult position put all that on the back burner and prioritised you. Also, if you’ve leaked even a fraction of the attitude you are exuding here towards him prior to the unnecessary voice message you left him (and I strongly suspect you have), I would completely understand his stepping back from you. I hope you can move forward with a bit more clarity and calmness so that you are in a good position to meet a man that is a compatible match for you.

I absolutely second this point. I’d dig a little deeper on that issue, OP. Did you ask him what their reasoning, and his gf’s, for their wanting to get him out?

I’m sorry, but I couldn’t read beyond this point. Firstly, you are coworkers and both of your behaviour is extremely unprofessional. If I were your boss, there would be immediate disciplinary action. Secondly, this man is not a quality human being - the way he talks about the other woman is despicable and if he talks about this woman this way then you can bet he will talk about you this way too. And the way you also describe the situation is pretty disrespectful. I highly suggest you return to keeping a strictly professional relationship with this guy and focus on your job. If you want to date someone, then seek it out through appropriate avenues and in a respectful way.

I only got a fraction of the way down when I concluded that the rest really didn’t matter because the first issue of porn and looking at other women’s pictures is a dealbreaker for you, so break the deal. He doesn’t meet your needs and you are asking him to respect and care for you, but it is a two way street and you are not respecting his values in turn. I’m not saying your values are wrong either or that it’s wrong to feel how you feel - they are your feelings and your are entitled to them, but his boundaries are his boundaries and you also don’t have a right to impose yours on him. You can either reach a compromise together and set a new set of boundaries together as a couple or leave the relationship. So, I strongly suggest that instead of making him the villain (in this isolated instance - he may well be not a great catch or decent in the following points you made, but it is irrelevant when the first is enough to go your separate ways) for what is quite natural and acceptable for many people and couples, find someone whose values are aligned with yours and respect your bf enough not to try to change him or make him feel bad for what he enjoys. You’re incompatible in ways that cannot be overcome because they are your dealbreakers.

I was neither shouting or debating, nor suggesting there is a wrong or right way, just presenting an alternative perspective. Anything written in caps - the two single words - was simply to highlight emphasis. I also was not tying to convince you of anything, as it is not your situation or relationship that is being discussed here. I addressed the OP with it being a potentially bad approach to the situation because it can cause harm. I offered my advice and the reasoning behind it. I only proceeded with responding to your message when you addressed me directly. My response was thought in complete calmness if somewhat direct. Sorry you felt otherwise, as there was no intention for it to be perceived differently.

Sorry, - and I say this with respect - but that is a cop out. This is not about preserving his feelings, it’s about giving him the respect now to be able to make his own choices with all the information instead of offering up an already actioned “hypothetical”. If being unfaithful is a dealbreaker for someone and their partner being unfaithful to them is withheld from them then it is only selfish to keep withholding it. She didn’t care about his feelings before, when she chose to hurt him, irregardless of it being unbeknownst to him, so she should act with integrity now and give him the courtesy to decide for himself if he wants to move forward. Not telling removes all his right to maKe his own choices. It is VERY different having feelings for someone else and coming to your partner to proactively address and combat that together - that is what a responsible and decent person would do when faced with developing feelings unexpectedly for someone else, and to actually have an affair with someone. Because, If she does the former, that is how it will seem. It is dishonest. And I don’t know of any couples STILL together where infidelity occurred and the partner betrayed has said that in a hypothetical situation they like to remain ignorant to spare their feelings. I certainly would feel violated to find such a thing happened to me. And if someone prefers to remain ignorant to a betrayal like that then that is not a mentally healthy position to place yourself in, it physically safe.

OP, I think this is not the right approach. A partner has every right to know this information because by withholding it from them you are effectively denying them of the right to make an informed decision about something that intimately and significantly impacts their life. You don’t get to do what you did and then make all the decisions on your own about how your marriage moves forward. If you want to move forward together with your husband in your marriage then you must offer up the truth and hope he is willing to work on it with you. If he doesn’t, then that is the unfortunate consequence of being unfaithful. And if you deny the truth from someone who would have made the choice to leave the marriage if they knew, I think that is the deepest of violations to that person’s right to make their own choices with all the information. Whatever you decide to do - do it with integrity from this point forward.

I think the main issue is not that you need to learn how to pretend to be/be more confident, etc. it is that you need to take a much closer look at why you feel so insecure, self-conscious, and emotionally unworthy of others in the first place. People aren’t born like that, they learn to become like that. You need to do the hard work on unpacking your past before you can improve the behaviours of your present. Also, I echo what Wizeman said - don’t take quizzes, as they cannot account for your life experiences - all of which shape you to be who you are at any given moment in time. Human beings are far too complex for each unique individual to be pigeonholed into a classification drawn from a few superficial questions - even if someone of the traits seem to fit.

I don’t think the OP has crossed the physical line with him. I think hey are having an emotional affair and she is just now beginning to realise (or allow herself to really admit to herself) that it is not appropriate because he IS married. But, it has always been inappropriate, regardless of the fact that he made a disclaimer at the beginning of the “friendship” about being married. That he felt the need to go out of his way to say it openly (rather than his wife coming up in conversation naturally) demonstrates that the intended nature of this relationship was not above board from the beginning. OP, stay away from him and block and delete him from contacting you. Don’t open the door to him when he visits. Focus on finding someone available and decent.

I think a little bit differently to the above posters - it takes courage to put yourself out there and take a chance on letting someone know how you feel. If you did it in the way you wrote about it above - that is, you tried to be respectful and let her know you had no expectation of feeing the same and that you were okay with that - then I think the problem lies with her. She seems a bit unnecessarily harsh in her treatment to me and actually rude to say you were playing the friend card. She also seems immature. Sure, perhaps it made her feel uncomfortable to hear that someone she didn’t have feelings for had feelings for her, but she could have chosen to graciously accept it, let you know where she stood (which she did), and move forward from it. I think you’re better off without someone treating you like this just because you told her you have feelings for her.