LotusBlack

Firstly, I’m very sorry you’re going through this. Secondly, I’m a little confused as to what you’re referring to? You were hurt because it was so easy for him to discuss divorce with his wife when it mattered to her, but he just couldn’t be bothered doing so for you and your relationship when it was so important to you? Or are you implying that they also married out of convenience?

Honestly, OP, you’re focusing too much on the mother staying longer than intended. It’s true that it is not any of your business what the mother’s choices are or why she is making them, especially now that you and your ex are exes. You have, in my opinion, an unhealthy attachment to this aspect of the situation. Let it be; it really doesn’t matter anymore as you and your ex are done, and so is your involvement with her mother. You’re beating a dead horse here; it’s time to let it go now. Learn from the experience, grow, and use all this to create a better relationship with someone compatible next time. I wish you all the very best luck going forward!

I would not marry someone you have never been in a relationship with unless it was arranged and I had no choice in the matter. If it is practiced in your culture to be set up with and married to people you don’t know or barely know but you have some say and choice in the decision-making, then I’d hold off on any serious, long-term life decisions (such as marriage) until a significant amount of time has passed and you’ve developed a healthy awareness of your partner’s character. From what you gave written, your boyfriend is not the right person for you because he isn’t interested in taking the relationship further. The other boy might be a good match for you, but you should never pursue a relationship for the sole purpose of being in a relationship; it should be because you like that person and want to blend your lives together. Perhaps end things with your current boyfriend and stay single for a while. If you want, pursue a friendship with “x” and see if you have a foundation for a romantic relationship, then go from there.

If your argument is that she is unattractive and he chose to have sex with her then this actually makes him even worse than if he were to at least find her attractive and have sex. At least then he’d have felt a draw to her physically, if nothing else. If he doesn’t find her attractive but still had sex with her then that reduces a woman whom he calls his best friend (so should at the very least feel a great deal of respect and consideration for her) to nothing but a piece of meat with which he can gratify himself. It’s disgusting. The truth is, he likely DOES find her attractive, even if by your assessment she isn’t. You have no idea what different people are attracted to and people can find more than one style or thing attractive. The fact of the matter is, he found her attractive enough to have sex with her, drunk or not.

Yes, I would also like to know this. It’s hard to advise you, OP, when you have a contrary response to everything.

It’s on him. If he wants to go and sulk for being called out on sexually harassing you (could even go so far as to call it assault as he touched you without your consent) then that is on him. If he was mature enough and taking accountability, he’d own his wrong-doing and try do better. But he’s sulked away with his tail between his legs and that is another red flag against him that would make me be done with him. Instead of him being the one trying make things right for overstepping your boundaries and seeking your forgiveness, you’re the one left waiting on him to get over his misplaced embarrassment - I say embarrassment because that is how he feels rather than how he should feel, which is remorseful, apologetic, and accountable. His feelings right now are about him, rather than being about you.

The fact of the matter is that it highlights what is actually wrong with his mindset. He feels entitled to touch you and that you couldn’t possibly mean “no” just because you stated it. It is wrong for him to try to change your mind verbally or physically once you have already said you don’t want to do something. That he thinks it is okay to try to change your mind just clearly demonstrates that he prioritises his feelings over yours and that he isn’t emotionally mature enough to respect your choices the first time your give them. It’s not okay. I don’t believe he is a bad guy with malicious intent, but his thinking and reasoning are unhealthy and he needs to overhaul his attitude towards consent and understand it isn’t a negotiable situation and that trying to coax you into it (verbally or otherwise) is disrespecting your boundaries.

In no world was that your fault. You already firmly told him “no” once. The onus is not on you to restate that because your bf has chosen to disregard that. It’s offensive, really, that he thinks so little of your ability to assert yourself and know your own mind and feelings to the point that you’d do a 180 within minutes at the mere touch of his hand and what he means to suggest or pursue physically. I’d be done with him.

You mentioned in a previous comment that you don’t want to be perceived as controlling by bringing up this issue and discussing your needs. You can avoid that by framing it in an open and kind way, such as, “I really want for you to be able to have your friends over and spend quality time together. But, we should establish some ground rules so that we are both happy and comfortable with the situation.” Then tell her what your general needs are in this situation and invite her to do the same - and let her know that her needs are important to you, or invite her to do so first and then share yours. Once you both have all the information, discuss where compromises can be made so that each/both are happy. As long as you listen to her and she to you, and you are both calm, kind, and reasonable, there is no need for things to go pear-shaped or intentions to be misconstrued. And, as other posters have said, schedule a time where you can sit down and really talk it out without time constraints or emotions on high.

I agree, you don’t sound desperate. You know you want to be married and have a family. You’re clear and decisive about it. Perhaps you didn’t run into her in some serendipitous way, rather searching her out, but that doesn’t make you desperate, just goal oriented. The only thing I do think you may be doing prematurely is getting married. I still think having her come for a year to see if your relationship can withstand a bit of time and growth is the wisest choice and then discuss marriage once you know how your relationship changes and, hopefully, deepens.

Thank you, MB. We have a plan to separate in place that we have agreed to fall back on/carry through with; however, he is returning to Japan for a month in a few days, so we are going to use the time apart to reset ourselves and will reassess when he returns. I also just got got offered a job after over 6 months of looking, so we will see how that helps to balance out our financial contributions, which had be a source of great distress for us both and which had been at the center of a number of disagreements.

My husband isn’t manipulative in a way to be deceitful. He only ever tries to create a better situation, but sometimes I become a causality of his practicality. We are still married but are trying to negotiate a way through ending our marriage, which is hard during a pandemic and also means separating him and our son by having to move to the other side of the world, which is heartbreaking for everyone. This could be your future unless you are very very solid in the relationship, and you aren’t. You don’t trust your own judgment right now, which is not a position to be sitting in when making serious life decisions. If she is the one for you then marriage will still be an option in 1,2,3+ years. Why rush into it now? She should come in to the US on her own merit as you also said the political climate is good for her in that way right now and with her skill set. Slow things down a bit.

I know it can be challenging. My own situation isn’t so conventional. I was told I likely wouldn’t ever be able to have children. I was 32 at the time (now 34) and studying my Masters abroad when I met my now husband. Despite taking as many precautions as we could and doing so even with the knowledge that children was unlikely, I somehow ended up pregnant at only 3 months in to our relationship. Although we had discussed what we’d do in the unlikely event that that occurred, the reality of it was very different and, as I had spent my entire life savings on tuition, I was not in a financial place to support a child, I could barely support myself. My then boyfriend had a decent income, but we don’t come from the same country as each other and we’re not living in a country we have any rights in as we’re not permanent residents or citizens. We have no access to support. I graduated at 5 months pregnant, my visa was set to expire just 2 weeks after my estimated due date. And, due to medical concerns during pregnancy I was not medically authorised fo fly but not legally allowed to stay. And my son wouldn’t be recognised by Japan unless we got married. Our hands were forced. We wanted to stay together, but we weren’t ready to get married. So, short answer is that we got married for a visa, but the longer answer is that I believed we were heading in that direction anyway. I was convinced he was my person. And love had to absolutely be the foundation of our decision to marry regardless of other extenuating circumstances that influenced and impacted a premature union. Only 1 year on, I found out that my husband, who I loved, didn’t love and had never loved me, and had felt forced (not by me but by the situation) into getting married - that he did so unwillingly. That cut deep. And despite our extreme familiarity and comfort in each other’s cultures (which we acquired before even ever having met each other) we are challenged every day by cultural differences that only become prevalent in the context of a marriage. The apple did not fall so far from the tree and I ended up just like my father - married to someone who married me for reasons other than love and a desire to be united in life, despite my having done so with just that reason and with the complete belief my partner shared the same feelings. He saw no other way to get past our situation, so said whatever he had to say to me so that I went along. He knew that if he was honest with me I wouldn’t get married but then I’d be at risk. Honour and duty wouldn’t let him make any other choice but to lie to me to reach a goal. This, in part, has ruined our relationship and it hurts so much more on this side of things. I don’t want you to end up here too. You want to be extremely confident in your relationship and the reasons BOTH of you desire to get married, as lonely in a marriage is more lonely than being lonely alone. And, I’m sorry to say, but I don’t think your relationship is solid enough to handle the challenges of marriage at this stage. You need more than a few weeks together in person to even begin to determine if you’re compatible life partners. My sister and I share all the same core values and get along great when separated by countries. Put us together and s**t hits the fan. Simply having things in common with someone doesn’t guarantee compatibility at an intimate/close range level. My husband and I also get along great in many ways. We laugh together, enjoy spending time together, share so many significant core values; however, our ways of communicating during difficult situations is vastly different, as are our perceptions of those situations, which often leads to feeling invalidated and misunderstood. This can occur in relationships between people of the same cultural and linguistic background, but add in different countries and languages and it can be very hard to navigate. I’m not sure your relationship has had the time and experience building up the level of understanding required to get past challenges that will inevitably arise. I would suggest she move to yours for a period of 1 year without any talk of getting married before then and then reevaluate at that point. She doesn’t have to come through on a marriage or partner visa. She can apply for a visa as a highly skilled worker in the IT field or similar visa, come in on her own merit and then discuss marriage 1 year down the track, at least.

Fortunately, he won the house, but he lost all his savings on 7 years of legal fees. I hope others never have to experience that. I can’t even imagine how hurtful it must feel to find your partner that you love was pretending the whole time.

I’m sorry you feel that way, but people were initially very supportive. And sometimes that support comes in the form of telling you something you might not want to hear. You mentioned a number of very concerning issues and when trying to speak more on it with you you backtracked and tried to justify or excuse away the problems. People can become frustrated then when looking out for someone’s best interests who seems determined to shoot him/herself in the foot. We tried the gentle approach, that didn’t work. So a direct, brutally honest approach was used to try to hold a mirror up to you as those of us who commented only did so using your own words about your situation. You presented your story and we followed it until you backtracked. If what you want is to marry this woman come hell or high water, we wish you all the best of luck and hope to heck it doesn’t end badly.

@dias Because I couldn’t respond in your own thread/journal. ”Something does not add up here. Very rich people buy green cards, they don't get married for visas, this is the procedure for poor opportunist lol. She must have been a very good con artist to sell this story so well. ” In some circumstances they do. My father was living and working in Singapore and the company he worked for and that had stationed him there used a product she had created. That was how they met. He didn’t go to Asia looking for a wife. She also owned a fair bit of land that was bought out and developed for commercial use in a number of regions, which they paid top dollar for. My father stayed with her in some of her properties in China for quite some time and they were unquestionably hers. He also visited a number of her factories. I remember on one occasion being a bit put off by the fact that she had one of only 2 known sundials in her house. The other was in a museum. As should “hers” have been. As an archaeologist, I have an issue with people buying artefacts for private collections, especially when there are so few of particular objects. I can tell when something is a copy and when an object is authentic and the one she had was definitely not fake. When they moved to Australia she and my father bought several properties, though she contributed the largest portion for one and entirely paid for the others on her own. Her money was very real and my father’s pride at providing for his wife was put to the test on many occasions as he often was the one who couldn’t keep up. It didn’t make sense to us why she chose to live a lie for 5 years and go the route she did when she could have just taken 18 months and gone through the immigration channel by herself as an investor. But after 7 years of this being dragged out in the courts with my father trying to hold on to the one house they bought together, his lawyer found that she’d been trying to stay under the radar with a number of questionable business dealings that implicated her both in China and Australia. That was why she used my father - to appear as just a woman in love who wanted to live in Australia with him. She’s still loaded, still in Australia, and still a calculating woman. It’s not the typical story, but it does happen. She is, as you said, a good con artist because she managed to stay in character for 5 solid years, pretending to love my father. That’s true, but so is her money. And, it’s a trap others can fall in to if not careful. Just because a story isn’t obvious, doesn’t mean it doesn’t occur, which is how people fall into a false sense of security when presented with uncommon scenarios. And to the OP of this thread, just because she owns her own property and has a good job/income doesn’t mean she doesn’t have ulterior motives - my father’s story case and point.

Well, it sounds like you’ve got it all figured out now and that things are hunky dory. The way you are expressing your thoughts after all the less than positive responses regarding your decision to get married to this woman reads as though you never felt there were any serious issues to begin with. Truly a far cry from the impression you gave us initially. Why did you even bother posting if all you’re going to do is rebut every piece of advice that doesn’t gel with your desired outcome? You’re wilfully denying the fact that you have serious incompatibilities, and that is before even knowing what this woman and her son are going to be like living together full-time. Your present incompatibilities aren’t going to get less the more she is around, if anything they’re going to increase. Yes, you may have access to your pastor as a resource, but by your own admission, he has seriously advised that you rethink your decision to get married, as he sees the incompatibilities in your relationship. If you’re not open to hearing constructive feedback on your relationship because it isn’t what you want to hear, then perhaps don’t ask for advice or opinions. Just go ahead and marry this woman, as you’re adamant to do so. No need to convince us of your perfectness for each other and all the groundwork you’ve done to ensure your success - it’s not our lives that will be affected, it’s yours. But, you do sound as though you’re trying to convince yourself, I will say. But, good luck to you! I really mean that. Everyone deserves happiness and you are no exception to that - so I hope you do find it! Post Scriptum: My husband is Japanese and I am Australian. I lived for years in Japan before I incidentally met him in UK, where he’d already been living for years. I am comfortable in his culture, with his language and he with mine, but let me be clear that culture does shape a number of important aspects of a relationship and no amount of preparing for or theorising is going to get you ready for reality. So, I do think you are being a bit naive on that one.

To be honest, Holly didn’t sound judgy. The truth of the matter is that there are a number of significant issues that speak to your incompatibility with this woman. And, sadly, I agree that should you get married, you won’t find yourself in the happy circumstance you’d hoped to be in. It may be costly to move, etc. but it will cost a lot less than what is likely, unfortunately, in store for you if you go ahead with this marriage. Have you discussed what your role with her son will look like once you are all together? Do you wish to make parenting decisions? What if she doesn’t want you involved in how to raise him beyond just spending time together? What if she decided she doesn’t want more children? What if she and her son only want to speak Ukrainian to each other, even when you’re around? Are you going to make a committed effort to learn Ukrainian? What if she decides she doesn’t like the state you live in after all and raises the option/desire of moving? To a democratic state even? Are you going to dismiss that because you don’t want to move to any other state but the ones you like? Marriage is a partnership but from where I’m sitting, you and her don’t look like you’re even on the same team. There are significant red flags that cannot be overcome with marriage/pre-marriage counselling because they have to do with incompatible core values. That negative human synergy will only become destructive, not improve with time, as you have convinced yourself it will. I’m sorry, but I think you’re burying your head in the sand on this one because your desire to have a family is currently outweighing your interest in acknowledging the very real and significant issues that are already written on the wall. And simply asking her her agenda isn’t going to be enlightening. She isn’t going to just say, “Yes, I’m doing this for self-serving reasons”. Any mother is not going to uproot her young child from their country to go live in another one with a man they barely know unless her desire to get out far outweighs the risks to her child’s happiness. And do not forget that your priest/pastor/reverend too has advised you not move ahead with this marriage as you didn’t get through the pre-marriage counselling.

To be fair, I haven’t read the whole thread yet, so might say something already addressed. But, don’t go ahead with this marriage. She isn’t in it for your relationship. She’s in it for herself, that’s why she wants to keep your lives emotionally and financially separate and just legally together. The writing is on the wall for that and you’re going to likely end up in a world of pain. My father, who was married to my mother for 30 years before they divorced, eventually met a Chinese lady while he was living in Singapore. She turned out to be one of the richest women in China and had a 10 year old son at the time and whose father lived in New Zealand (we’re Australian). She was so much richer than my father and had a pathway to NZ (and therefore Australia), so we never suspected she had ulterior motives. They got married and lived in China half the time and Aus the other half. 5 years they were together. 5. She was the sweetest woman that whole time. Literally, the day she got her Australian green card the switch flipped and she became the nastiest person I’ve ever met. She took my poor father for everything he had and he had to leave retirement and go back to work. He retired again just a few months ago at 74. Your partner sounds a lot like my ex step-mother after she turned nasty. I’d stay well away from women who aren’t looking for unity within a union. edit: I’ve gone back and read the rest of the thread and my advice is still the same. I will also say that I used to know a middle aged Ukrainian man 6 years ago who was very well educated, a lovely guy, and very hard working. He told me that many Ukrainians just want to get out of the Ukraine because there is very little opportunity there, in his opinion. I’d really think hard on her motives with you. EVEN if she isn’t looking at you as her ticket out, love is about compromise and sometimes sacrifice. It’s about respecting your partner and wanting the best for them and being part of their journey in pursuing a life of happiness, and vice versa. It doesn’t seem to me that you and your happiness are factored into the equation she has drafted. THAT would be enough for me to realise that this relationship isn’t built on love, whichever way you slice it. I’m sorry for that, truly. Your person is out there. Don’t squish yourself into a box you don’t fit because you’re afraid you’ll miss out. Getting a bad backache from twisting into an unnatural shape for you will only lead you to feeling more than just lonely, and you’ll be so busy doing that that you’ll fail to notice the right woman for you. Also, if you feel your work might not be supported in an area you want to live, consider having a career change so your personal life can have an upgrade and you’ll feel happier within yourself.