LotusBlack

I’m sorry, but the pregnancy WAS unexpected due to my infertility issues. I never expected to have a baby, ever. But that does not mean that I don’t have the presence of mind or maturity to discuss ANY potential risk when engaging in sex. The odds were slim to none, but there did exist a small chance, so I made sure to discuss that. That doesn’t mean it was expected or that I shouldn’t have been surprised. I can very firmly say that the shock was significant, so yes, it was unexpected. I will clarify that I only had sex once I had developed love for my husband. I have only been with a few men in my life and I had been good friends with each of them for years before getting together and then once together it had taken a further year or so for sex to happen. My husband was the exception to that pattern and I had really felt he was my person. I loved him, so I wanted to be intimate. I’m not going to view any of the choices I made at that time as irresponsible, thoughtless, or hasty, because they weren’t. But I do acknowledge my judgement of his character was bad as it ended up as it has.

We were between a bit of a rock and a hard place. I was in the UK on a student visa and my husband on Tier 1 visa. My pregnancy was high risk with a lot of factors that required on-going medical observation. For that reason, I was not medically approved to fly, but my visa was due to expire 2 weeks after my son’s due date, so I would not be legally allowed to remain. I was in the process of applying for ‘Indefinite Leave to Remain Outside the Immigration Rules’ when my husband suggested we get married. Neither of us would have entered into marriage so soon into our relationship (8 months), but we wanted to stay together and I loved him. I also had serious concerns about leaving my established medical team and not having my husband with me through the third trimester and when he was born. I thought “he’s my person and we are heading in this direction anyway. It may be happening sooner than we both would have intended, but it’s okay as it was our direction.” Also, my husband’s government wouldn’t acknowledge our son as a citizen of his country unless we were married and it was important to us that our son be a citizen of both our countries until such time as he can choose for himself. The absolute foundation for which to get married upon, though, had to be love. I did very much love my husband. It wasn’t until months later that he told me that he’d assessed the situation on his own and believed I would not be granted Indefinite Leave to Remain, so said and did what he had to for me to consider marriage. Basically, he lied to me to get the outcome he had determined was the only viable option. Had I realised the manipulation at the time, I would have chosen differently. He took my right to make an informed decision away by setting a false scene and he still believes to this day that the end justified the means and it had been the only way. I beg to differ. I feel pretty confident that with my medical situation I would have been granted ILR. What I now recognise as being emotional abuse towards me during my pregnancy and prior to getting married, I’d interpreted as the result of cultural differences and significant stress at the time. We had 3 instances during my pregnancy and after each one we had an in-depth conversation and, I’d believed, developed a greater understanding of each other and a closer bond. Once the baby was born it happened all the time. And I never could not call him out on it. Had I stayed silent we never would fought as he doesn’t yell or argue, but I was never able to tolerate the narcissism.

Yes, and that is the conversation we had prior to ever having sex. We abstained for several months until we got to know each other better and then did a full STI screening because I can’t use contraceptive methods, and we avoided my fertile window as well as using natural family planning methods, which is all fairly over-cautious for someone with serious infertility issues. But we did also discuss that - despite such infertility issues - when one engages in sex we should never assume a pregnancy can’t occur. And we agreed we would both be okay with that given our ages and my infertility. I was willing to take that risk with someone I’d begun falling in love with. And I don’t regret it at all, having our son. I should also say, my husband strongly suspected that he may also have male factor infertility issues. He is a developmental biologist and human embryologist and his parents had significant fertility issues, specifically his father. His father had a serious illness that ended up effecting the health and quality of his sperm. They tried for years and years without any luck. They ended up getting pregnant with my husband but never pregnant again despite trying. There was a chance, my husband believed, that his quality of sperm, or rather, his ability to produce quality sperm or enough sperm may be compromised due to his dad’s illness when he was conceived and due to some things he noticed and he did look into that himself. I believe he ran analyses on his own sperm and said he wasn’t producing a very large number. This was before we met. Anyways, with all that in mind, we decided to be intimate because we weighed up the pros and cons and the risks. We decided we were okay with the risks and wanted sex to be part of our relationship moving forward. And, I still don’t think the way we handled things was unreasonable or irresponsible - we did our best to be as well informed as we could and we were open and honest and took as many precautions as we could given our circumstances. We weren’t a couple of hot-headed, hormonal teens that jumped into bed without a care in the world and, oops, I’m pregnant. And despite my son’s existence, I still believe he beat the odds to be conceived. So many people just reduce one’s infertility issues to being non-existent when they manage to fall pregnant, but that doesn’t just disappear because you got pregnant against the odds, against the single digit percentile of a chance. What I do regret is how my husband treated me from that point on, and I don’t believe that had we been together for years and gotten to know each other longer, I would have seen this side of him, as I do think that having a child and the level of commitment and attention a baby would require is what triggered the more narcissistic and selfish parts of his personality to come our. I’m fairly easy going on a relationship and socially introverted, do love my own company and don’t need to be attached at the hip. I suspect my husband and I would have carried on fairly harmoniously for some time until a greater level of commitment and expectation was added to our relationship dynamic, it just would have taken me longer to see this side of him rather than seeing it early on as a result of my pregnancy at the beginning of our relationship. As for the underlined quote - I do take offense to that because you are implying that I behaved irresponsibly. I did not. I have never had sex outside of a relationship where both parties have entered into an exclusive commitment and my feelings are very strong. In fact, I am Demi sexual and find it traumatic to even attempt intimacy with someone I don’t love. I had been single for 6 years prior to meeting my husband and had not even kissed a man in all that time, let alone having had sex with someone. I had all the responsible conversations with my partner when we decided to take our relationship further. I have no intention of having children with anyone else or likely even engaging in sex again. And the assumption that I had done otherwise is hurtful.

Government and the culture. But things are slowly changing.

There were certain times he suggested if the pregnancy was too hard on me I should terminate, but I didn’t want to risk potentially losing the only chance I may have to have a baby. I was prepared to walk away and do it alone if that is what he wanted and he said he didn’t. In any case, it’s done now and my son and I are back in Aus and ready to move forward. I am facilitating regular video chats between my husband and our son.

And he did. He chose not to invest in our relationship and marriage, since to him it was twisted from the beginning and done out of obligation, duty, and - in his opinion - no free will. He exercised his choice not to be my team mate, so I exercised my choice to leave.

Well, you also had a history with your husband from a previous relationship with him, so although you went into it with it being a different relationship, you did have a level of knowledge about each other that formed some level of a foundation from which to start a new relationship. I never expected to have children at all, so there weren’t discussions about how long into our relationship we would do certain things or give things a certain amount of time - we were just getting to know each other. But given the fact that contraception wasn’t something we could really use, I did make sure to discuss risks and also held off on being intimate for some months into our relationship because I didn’t want to risk anything happening with someone I didn’t know at least on some level. But we did discuss whether we each had hopes for having children and what a potential future might look like whether together or with someone else, work opportunities, financial commitments - what we each wanted to achieve in life for ourselves and as part of a couple either with each other or with another. We had conversations to the depth that was appropriate for our stage and age of relationship. I never expected a baby was to come, but still had conversations about that, which, in most cases, would be considered over-discussing given that infertility was/is a very real factor for me and anyone who chooses to be in a relationship with me.

I agree. That’s why I said he has no room, not that he can’t do it. Whether it is a choice or not is besides the point because he doesn’t have room, and that may well be because he chooses not to make space for us.

It is a very known problem in his country. It is a country with an aging population and the last year or two have seen a huge change in women speaking out against sexism and gender inequality at an extreme social and cultural level, to the point of women no longer wanting relationships or to have children because of the great sacrifice to themselves, detrimentally so. It’s gotten so bad that even the government are scrambling to find ways to get women to have more children, etc. My own husband called his country a “sinking ship”. The government of his country want changes to happen without making any changes.

Well, some of it is cultural and some of it is part of his own personality, I’m sure - having a family is socially expected and he did want children. He even said he wanted 5 before I got pregnant as he is an only child. He told me his 5 year goal was to have his own laboratory and be the PI (principal investigator) of a team. When I got pregnant there were suddenly expectations of him - accompanying me to the important appointments, sharing his time on more than weekends and a few hours here and there during the week, making adjustments for my higher risk pregnancy that he found particularly inconvenient, etc. And once the baby was born, I expected him to parent. The raising of children is not traditionally or historically carried out by the men in his culture, so I guess how much of himself he was expected to contribute was more than he realised, even though we’d had discussions about it. He wanted a family but also wanted to be a passive member of it until such times as he felt like involving himself at his discretion and for me to be totally okay with that. I mean, If I asked him to do something he would do it without complaint, but it was so robotic and he offered no emotional support or empathy. It was hard on me.

Funnily enough, my husband isn’t big on social media. He reads Twitter for news and info, but other than that he affords very little time and interest in social media. I also have never had Twitter, Instagram, MySpace, Tik Tok, etc. I use Facebook to keep up with my friends’ lives, but rarely ever post. My husband also has FB but uses it once in a blue moon. And we are both 35, so social media didn’t really come in to the picture until we were mid-late teens already. It’s just that he is so solely focused on his research. When questioning him once on why he never asks me about my day when we get home or ask me how I’m doing or shows interest in my own research, yet I always show interest in his experiments and work, and still he prioritizes himself above me and our son, he said it’s not that he prioritizes himself above us, he prioritizes his WORK above us and also even above himself. He does sacrifice a lot of himself for his work, but I thought he wouldn’t mind sharing his life a bit more with us once we came along, even if it meant sacrificing some time usually used elsewhere. I mean, from the very beginning he made it clear he was looking for a serious relationship in which to build a life and family. But, honestly, I think as long as he is only focused on his work and stays single then he is a good and kind person, and is very well liked and amiable. His limitation is that he has no room for anyone else in his life if they expect more of him than the loosest of commitments. He’s too selfish for that and I think he even didn’t recognize that until we got together.

Actually, we did have serious discussions from the get-go regarding children, etc. I explained to him exactly what the doctors has told me and that although there was very little risk, we always have to assume that when one engages in intimacy like that then you must assume there is a risk. I also had the conversation with him about being unprotected because my body reacts very badly to foreign barriers and I have been medically advised against hormone based contraception due to my late mother’s cancer and family history. For that reason, we made sure, from the beginning, to get tested for STIs to at least eliminate that risk. As for the other, he understood the risk well and we discussed it in-depth. He said he was looking for a serious relationship and wanted a family being that we were already in our 30s, if that were to happen. He said he would be okay with that. I also explained my financial position as I was a masters student and has borrowed money from my step-father to cover the other have of the tuition that my savings didn’t cover. He said his income was sufficient should it be that we ended up with a baby. Although the risk was very minimal, it was important to me that we were very clear about the risk and what we were each prepared to do, or not do. We did discuss parenting, etc. I’m generally a very responsible person and I am very forthright about my circumstances in any given situation. I believe that the reality was very different for him than he expected and realised after the fact that his research takes top priority and I’m not one of the women from his country that continues to encourage and perpetuate the total emotional, professional, and financial suppression of women. My mistake was believing his was different because he was so politically progressive and shared similar core values, or so he had said. In theory we share very similar values, but in practice, he only values those things when they pose no compromise to his own self interests.

When we first met, he was a complete gentleman. He would go out of his way to be caring and considerate. He was very kind and thoughtful. And, to be honest, he is that way with his friends very consistently. He gives others his best efforts and goes above and beyond for them. But, he’s never been part of a partnership in a serious relationship where he’s expected to sacrifice some of his time and attention to his work. They [his friends] don’t require of him what a partner and family do. When it was just us and we were dating, he was exceptional but not over the top. His friends all have nothing but positives to say about him and they they are all very good, kind people who’ve known my husband for years. We, unfortunately, were only together 3 months when I got pregnant. Those who know my story already know I was told having children likely wasn’t in the cards for me, so we didn’t expect that to happen, let alone so early on. And my husband is very lovely in general, until it becomes inconvenient or requires more of him than he’s prepared to give. To be totally honest, I don’t think he has ever been in such a position where he’s had to put someone else first in such a way so I don’t really think he has been like this to anyone else before. I think our relationship was the first time he’s ever had to truly give of himself beyond a certain degree, so his narcissistic traits had never come out before now.

I often brought up how much value my homemaker role was worth had I been doing it in someone else’s home and for someone else’s child/ren. He just waved it off really and talked about how much money he sacrificed for our family. I hated score keeping regarding money. And I was getting into debt to my own husband - absurd! My old laptop died and I couldn’t edit without it, so he bought me a new one, but it was just a loan. How to pay back a loan when I had no monetary income from my inside-the-home job?! Lots of things like that happened. I always was able to earn just enough money to always pay for half of all our son’s things, though. But it was always clear it was his home. And when we moved in together and bought furniture, he made it clear then too that it was his because he paid for it. Had I ever suggested to go away for a few days because I and we were in desperate need for a break, especially me, I’d only be able to do it if I paid half. But without a paying job, how could I?? When asking him to help more with our son, he said then that I should contribute financially because it would be unfair for him to pay for me and also have to do the home stuff - that was my job if I wasn’t working. But I was working 24 hours around the clock with our son, with no clock off time like those with paying jobs, so how could you even value my contributions! And I said that just because he brought in the money and I take care of the house and family, it doesn’t mean he doesn’t still have to parent. He just said I was illogical. It was financial abuse. I actually wanted to work, to develop my career, but he acted like our son was my son and I had to figure out how to manage having a child and a job, like he was doing me a favour by helping me with him. When I told him I was struggling with the very physically exhausting laborious work as a field archaeologist and taking care of our son all night too, he told me that It was my responsibility for maintaining myself and I should have known that when entering into such a job. But if he’d helped me more with our son, I could have managed my job better. I said that his job took him to work 7 days a week and left me with parenting by myself almost all the time, but in terms of actual hors worked or dedicated to work (such as commuting), I worked more, so needed help. His response to that was that he had his job before we met, so wasn’t required to change himself for our family. Whereas, I CHOSE my job knowing our situation and after we were already together, so I was the unreasonable one. But, honestly, he knew when we met what I had been working towards. Anyways, it hurts to think about it all. A part of me wishes that with time he will recognise what he’s done, but a narcissist never does.

Yes, I think you’re right!

Thank you!

It was a bit difficult to arrange as I didn’t have the income to cover extra childcare on top of full-time daycare. I was also starting to worry about my son being at daycare 9-10 hours a day 5 days a week. He needed to at least be with one of us more, I felt, as he wasn’t yet 2 years old. My husband was already spending an extra £300 a month than he did when I didn’t have a outside paying job, for our son to attend daycare so I could work. He said he was happy to pay a bit extra for now so I could have “an experience”. But he really just wanted me to have an online job, so I could be home with the baby and also pay my own way. But even working from home, I needed work hours where I could dedicate my entire focus to the job - not be keeping one eye on my son and feeling bad for not giving my best to my work, or feeling guilty l was neglecting my son. Giving neither my best efforts while doing both at the same time. My husband never could understand how difficult it was because he never had to compromise his work. Oh well, I’m out of that now. I just need to keeping stepping forward. Thanks for your support! 🙂

Thanks, Tonight. I sometimes think people toss around the word “narcissist”, but I truly feel that my husband is. He often called me out on it if I didn’t praise him for his contribution to the household chores. Or if he bought me some special items in the grocery shopping. I always thanked him when he was considerate but, at times, if I didn’t get the chance to yet, he’d do it and be offended that I didn’t acknowledge his efforts. My efforts were almost always left unacknowledged. He also would come right out and say his work was a priority over me and also more important than my work. When appealing to him to always improve oneself (and for me to as well) so we could be a better couple, he would say he is already a good and kind person and never wrong, I am the one who can’t do things properly and it is he who suffers for it. I just kept reminding myself that there is no way for us to get better and work out as a couple even with counselling because narcissistic people like him cannot love others, and, to him, I will always be wrong. I’m away from that now. I can only become happier from here. 🙂

Thanks so much for your kind words, Cat. Honestly, when I set out to post I had intended to just write something along the lines of, “Hey, I finally did it! I left my marriage and am back in Aus! Now to figure out my next move.” Suddenly though, everything started pouring out. I mean, I’m gone already, so there is no point dwelling anymore on the comments or little thing my husband has said to me that pushed me to leave. But, I guess I just wanted it out there so it wasn’t all just bottled up in my head. I do struggle to not think about his comments. Little things like him telling me with no small amount of disgust that he viewed me as incredibly childish when I cried at the hospital in the middle of labour and he wanted to leave at that moment to go home and rest. That it was my first time being in labour and with a high risk pregnancy, and on top of that, it was the first time being admitted to a hospital room since I watched my mother die in palliative care not so long before that - it was triggering. I wasn’t crying hysterically either, just asking him not to leave me at that time because I was overwhelmed and scared. A few weeks before I left him he revealed he’d found that very childish of me. Things like that were why he would never love me, he said. Anyways, I guess that is neither here nor there now. It is onwards and upwards. My son now has a real chance to grow up and see what it is to be a humane and empathetic person. And there is no risk of ne going back to my husband because we are separated by an entire planet. Thank you, Jibralta! Yes, I will pave my own way now with my son. Onwards and upwards. Thank you for your ongoing encouragement!

Hi my fellow ENAers. I thought I’d make a post and update those who followed my previous thread, and also to get a little encouragement. the past 2 years have been really tough. I tried so hard and wanted so much for things between my husband and I to work. At first I just kept telling myself, “if we can just find our footing, our rhythm, get through a few months without a misunderstanding or being triggered by something, then we will finally have an opportunity to keep space open to develop our feelings and relationship.” But it was so hard to be on my end of the equation - the one who wasn’t loved, who was barely tolerated. It felt like my husband would resent me for my calling him out on his bad behaviour. He’d lead me to the fire, throw me in, then stone wall me and be disgusted that I had the audacity to scream in pain. I felt trapped emotionally, physically, and financially. But I also kept thinking and hoping things would change once each significant issue was overcome. But things didn’t. The final straw, nearly two years after our son was born…was when I’d finally gotten the opportunity of a lifetime, for me anyways. I’d spent so long studying for a career as a professional archaeologist/Egyptologist. I’m August this year I was offered a position as a field archaeologist with an archaeology firm. I was beyond excited! My husband and I decided to put our son in daycare so that I could work. I had supported my husband and all his career aspirations, maintained our household and our son with little help from my husband and certainly no thanks. I’d waited my whole life to get such an opportunity and to finally be able to have some financial freedom and to be able to contribute. Despite the fact I was working in the home full-time taking care of everything, and taking any paid editing jobs I could get at the same time and using any money I could earn to contribute to our family, I struggled to be able to afford to live, though my husband had financial security and freedom. This new job meant that I could start my career, could earn a wage, my toddler could finally play with other children and have his own social development. I thought my husband would step up more because he needed to, I needed him to. I was leaving for work at 5:30am and cycling an hour every morning to work, where I would then carpool for an hour to the archaeology site. I worked 8 hours a day, and then had to drive the our back to the office and cycle another hour home at break neck speed to collect my son from daycare just as it closed for the night. I then had to do the dinner, bath, bedtime routine with him. Then once that was done, I’d have to get myself sorted out and prepare for the next day. I also had to get up every hour throughout the night to care our son who has always been a terrible sleeper despite sleep training and professional consultations. I was rapidly burning the candle at both ends. My husband was now doing the morning routine with our son and dropping him to daycare because I would be far away on site already. This was the first time in our son’s life that he’d had so much responsibility and that was only because there was no other option. Unfortunately, being that it was our son’s first time at daycare, he picked up every virus for weeks, which we’d anticipated. But somehow, just as I always was, I became the default parent. My husband refused to share the load with me. He worked a 15 minute cycle away and could often work from home if necessary. I worked hours away and couldn’t work from home. And, as I was the one dealing with our son most, it was me that was catching everything from him. I struggled with severe chest infections, working out in the freezing rain and mud (which I don’t mind as that is the job and I loved it!), but I had only 3 sick days available and with our son getting sick and my husband refusing to tag-team with me, I was having to take unpaid leave regularly. I was paid a daily rate, my husband had a secure wage that wasn’t affected by working from home or taking time off. My husband, though, required me to pay half the rent, half the child care, half the groceries, even though my income was over £15,000 less per year than his. After all bills, I often had less than £1 per week for myself, which was okay because I wanted the job and I wanted my son to play with other children and he loved daycare. My boss was becoming increasingly upset with my days off to care for my son, and I got docked so much pay that I couldn’t meet my half each week. I asked my husband if I could reduce my contribution until things settled down because I literally didn’t have the money to cover it. His exact words to me were, “No, you’re just trying to transfer YOUR loss to me.” I don’t know why I was so shocked by such a disgusting and disrespectful statement because he’d often said things like that to me. But this one really hurt. I was working longer hours than him, parenting more than him, earning much less than him, but doing my best. Our son is OUR son, not MY son alone. I thought we were a team. If our son got sick and my husband refused to stay home with him, it fell to me to do it and I lost financially as a result. I thought we would share that financial burden and I was wrong. I ended up having a complete breakdown at work after just two months on the job. I was so so exhausted after working hard all day and then up all night with our son. I was so stressed about finances. We didn’t have enough to pay rent, I started panicking about what to do. I was going to have to quit my job. It was costing our family more for me to work than not to work. But my husband resented me for not paying my way whilst I cared for our 20 month old full time. He wanted me to stay home with the baby to save on childcare but somehow wanted me to contribute half of all the finances. I became so stressed for being stuck in an impossible situation that I just broke down. All the while my husband had quite a bit of money saved from before we met. I didn’t want his money. I never wanted his money. And he fairly earned that before we got together. But we were at risk of losing our home and I was sick with worry. Just before I got to the point of quoting my job, my husband told me about his savings. He could have told me about it from the beginning instead of letting me get so worried about our family’s well-being. And I said as much. His response to that was, “well, I didn’t want you to think it was an option because it is for emergencies only. If you knew we had it, you might just expect me to use it.’ Honestly, that was so offensive. I’ve always been independent financially, until we met and I how our son and couldn’t work. That he would let me get to that stage of anxiety and concern, was horrible. In the end, I had to give up my job due to the stress of managing our son on my own at home and working 40 hour a week with a 20 hour commute on top of that. I finally did it though. I got up the courage and flew with my son from UK to Australia. I had so wanted to stay in the UK. Not with my husband, but on my own. I loved it there and had never wanted to move back to Australia permanently. But I was not in a position to do so. Also, the task of flying with a toddler by myself across the other side of the world, during a pandemic and with $0 to my name, was so daunting. And despite the years of rejection by my husband, the financial and emotional abuse, I still wanted to make things work and for things to get better. Why couldn’t he just be kind to me? I tried. I always tried. I arrived in Aus on 5th of Nov and my home state wouldn’t let me in, so I had to fly to another one for 2 weeks before flying home, where I am now in home quarantine. We have one week left and then FREEDOM. I need a lot of on-going counselling to deal with the trauma of…well, my whole life really, from as far back as I can remember. I am so financially ruined at the moment but hopefully that is going to start getting better with a little help abs support from my government. I have already filed for child support and hopefully that shall come through soon. I’m not really sure where to go from here. I’ve been offered a fully-funded PhD place and I’d love to go ahead and take it, but it may be too soon for me. I need help to get back on my feet, and time. I still have no support with my son in terms of time…and it’s hard never having a break or proper sleep, even at the age of nearly 2. And, when talking to my husband about the challenges I am faced with now, he still seems so put-out that I have struggles. Despite our difficult situation, we parted on very friendly terms. But he still lacks all empathy for me as a human being. He only acknowledges his tiredness. It makes me feel upset that although his life changed when we got together, he still had a stable job, a career, an income, and gave up very little of his previous life to be a father, instead giving me the lion’s share of the load. I didn’t view it as a loss to give up the potential to have a job and an income, to have my body completely for the benefit of a baby at any time. I was happy to do it but it did take a toll of me emotionally, mentally, and physically. I gained a beautiful little boy, it my life wasn’t at all my own anymore. But, my husband succeeded very well in maintaining as much of his own life with little impact. And, even for us to separate, all the work came to me. Me the one who had to fly all that way, to be the one to leave my home, to take on single parenting without the option of splitting time between us or co-parenting at all really. It must sound like I’m having a pity party. Maybe I am. I feel so completely broken down. I never wanted any of this to happen. My husband is set to visit us in May for an extended holiday between job contracts. We decided not to pursue a legal separation or divorce until we have both had time and space alone to reflect and calm down. We will reassess when he comes where we stand. But, I guess the reality is that things can never work out when your partner doesn’t love you and has never loved you. Although love does not conquer all, it is still an essential ingredient to a long-lasting, happy, and healthy relationship. So, that’s my life update. If you’ve managed to make it to the end, great! And thanks! I think I just needed to write it all out and give myself a moment to feel sorry for myself. It takes two to contribute to such marital issues and I don’t shy away from acknowledging there were things I could have done better. I wasn’t perfect, but I tried my best.

The OP stated that the ex knows about the relationship, they’re just not disclosing it to the children yet.

The reason you broke up wasn’t solely because of your geography, as you were back in Canada and then he went away to Tokyo and was too busy to afford you even a second thought. You said this wasn’t unlike him, as he is a workaholic and the fact he didn’t even allow you to enter his mind enough as to even fully engage with you on the very rare occasion he did call was very upsetting to you. He didn’t have his baby in Tokyo with him, so his lack of communication was all him, not a result of running around with a baby completely consuming his every minute. I would know - I have a young (now) toddler and when his father went away for a month I still had time to reach out to others. Now with a full time job and a baby, I still make the time to reach out to others. Furthermore, the bold and underlined statement I’ve quoted above shows your lack of considering a situation to the end. One major reason you wanted to end the relationship was due to not wanting to settle down as an instant family right off the bat after just meeting. As much as you liked the baby, being anyone significant in her life right now was not something you were ready to do when you broke up. Now you want to be involved with her beyond the relationship despite it being a major factor in why you chose to end things. This doesn’t make sense as it is counter-productive to your core goals and values right now. Nor is it fair for her to get attached to you. In addition, in your very first post, when you presented the dilemma of whether to stay in Canada or return to Asia, you said that your life was in Asia and that is where you are happiest. You gave the very strong impression that you intended to stay there indefinitely. You were given the advice (by me no less) that if your boyfriend was the right person for you then perhaps suggesting temporary long distance and seeing how you may be able to overcome the situation of location when the time is right may be a good way to go. You never acknowledged that potential option and instead went with the idea of likely ending things. Now that you say you intended to only be in Asia for one more year, it gives the option of a temporary LDR even more viability if you really wanted to make it work with him. The fact is, you didn’t. It is totally normal to miss somebody you invested in, but don’t let that cloud your judgment that you and he, while being a good fit in many ways, are neither a good fit over all or at the right times in each other’s lives for this relationship. Even if you changed the timing, you can’t overcome significant incompatibilities. You and he are like a good but not great pair of shoes to each other - a good pair of shoes are quite comfortable to walk in, up to a point, but when they start hurting, it progresses quickly to a level of pain that makes walking impossible. A great pair of shoes are always comfortable to walk in. And, some shoes just don’t fit from the get-go. You and he are a good pair of shoes, but life partners need to be great in order to stand the test of time and the rocky paths they will inevitably face.

I do see where you’re coming from, as I used to have a very severe obsessive compulsive anxiety disorder for over 20 years - couldn’t leave my house for 3 years at one stage or even look outside my window without having a complete panic attack to the point of being in a catatonic state for hours after. So, I do feel for you and your situation and really hope you don’t have to go through this for much longer. You have my utmost compassion. I do, however, also see your partner’s perspective. It is incredibly hard to deal/engage with anxious people at times. It isn’t his fault and, to be honest, shouldn’t be his problem that you have anxiety (beyond the dynamics of your relationship and your incompatibility (if your are) directly causing/contributing to your anxiety). He shouldn’t have to take your emotional instability or extremes just because you experience anxiety. It doesn’t justify your treatment of him even though it may be your reason - and a very understandable one at that. You are already on the right track and doing your best with therapy, but perhaps explore additional avenues that may support your counseling, such as medication or something with a more holistic approach - whatever fits in with your values. But try to keep in mind that you are asking that he make allowances for how and who you are and you should also do the same for him; he cannot meet you 100% of the way. Having said that, I do not know him, but perhaps he also needs to be a little more compassionate and understanding of your anxiety, more so than he is being. If you and he cannot do that, then you and he are incompatible as partners and need to reevaluate your relationship.

I think it is reasonable that he wants to take quite a bit of time before introducing you to his children, but I don’t think the way he’s going about it is decent. To have you hide in a closet or completely upend your plans without so much as talking it out with you so that you are also comfortable in the situation is inconsiderate and thoughtless of him. His children do come first and they should, but he can put them first without it being at the expense of you. I think he is coasting and the fact he hasn’t defined or reaffirmed his intentions for some time just to make sure you know he’s in this with you, shows a lack of commitment. In your shoes, I’d tell him where I stand and ask him where he stands, and if we’re not walking in the same direction after that discussion, then I’d end things. If you are, then I’d tell him he needs to find a better way of handling things/your relationship and his kids.

This thinking is very problematic. You’ve already decided that he’s in the wrong and he must conform to your expectations, otherwise he has “messed up”. In all honesty, I don’t think he keeps messing up. I think you have unrealistic expectations of him, yourself, and the relationship and are projecting them on to him. Asking someone for an update every 2-3 hours is pretty unreasonable, unless there is a genuine and significant need for such an update (such as health/medical reasons, etc.). You guys are teenagers, yet you’re wanting him to behave the way a long-term couple in their late 20s, 30s, and onwards would. My advice is to relax a little (or lot). Your anxiousness about the strength of your relationship is not his issue to overcome - those are your insecurities that you need to work through. I am sure there is some validity in what you’re saying and there are, in fact, times he can be a little inconsiderate or insensitive, but you have to keep in mind that he’s a teenage guy, he’s not going to be perfect (now or ever) and he still has a lot of growing into maturity to do, just as you do and anyone your age does. You need to allow for that and really choose your battles. Don’t decide that his lack of constant updating is the right hill to die on. But, as other posters have said, I feel perhaps that you really like/love him as a person, but that doesn’t mean he’s the right one for you. If you feel you have needs that are inflexible in certain areas and your bf cannot or will not accommodate them, then you need to face the reality that you and he are just not right for each other, unfortunately.