LotusBlack

This isn’t about it being anyone’s “job”. It’s simply about getting to know her new colleagues and taking the initiative to integrate since there may be an opportunity for it. Nothing ventured, nothing gained. It isn’t offensive in any way for Kim to bring it up and make plans since she got the idea from her colleague. She doesn’t have to do anything, though, if she’d prefer not to. But nor is it wrong to initiate a get-together to meet colleagues and make friends; there’s no rule against Kim inviting the others out. I’d consider it to be a very friendly and lovely thing to do if I were one of her colleagues. But, each to their own and we can agree to disagree. 🙂

OP, I don’t see this as a marry/not marry question, but rather a matter of whether you should stay together or separate. I think if you get married (provided that is what you decide you want at some point), you are able to still keep finances separate so her bad money management doesn’t impact you. In your shoes, I would sit down with her and have an open, honest conversation about how you feel in the relationship and that in order to continue it and even be able to consider a potential future marriage, you need for her to have her health further investigated. What you need from her is to have a full, thorough assessment for bipolar disorder, and if she is assessed as having it, follow through with an appropriate management plan with the relevant healthcare specialists/providers. Once that happens and is consistent and you can both get a real understanding of her behavior after that, then you can see where the relationship is headed. Until then, it is hard for you to make any informed decisions about your relationship (unless you have reached that point where maintaining a relationship no matter the situation is no longer what you want). If she is unwilling, then you may consider this relationship unable to continue. This is not an ultimatum, just where you stand on the matter (if that is how you feel); it may be a dealbreaker issue.

I agree that they should have discussed it with you, particularly if you had been dating a while; however, to play devil’s advocate for a minute - you had been dating a while yet you were still at that level of anxiousness and shyness despite this. You could have also communicated with them that you suffered from such extreme levels of it as to impact how people perceived you - even after dating for some time. So, to this end, I think you equally matched these men’s level of insecurity. Of course, you are self aware enough to recognise that now and to have worked on and grown from those insecurities. OP- Kim, as I have said in your other threads, so much can be avoided just by direct, clear communication. In your shoes, I’d send him a message/email to again thank him for reaching out to you to grab coffee and that it would be great to go out for those drinks with your colleagues and then perhaps suggest a potential time/date if it is convenient for everyone else. By suggesting a time it then leaves no room for ambiguity. He follows it up with a positive response or a negative/vague/non-committal response. Either way, you understand where you stand. It also doesn’t expose you in any kind of vulnerable way romantically speaking, and would, in fact, be a great way for you to meet some co-workers and network/build friendships.

If they admitted they were insecure and immature then that is how they feel; however, I don’t think that they were necessarily playing games or were actually insecure/ immature. They might have felt your level of apparent disinterest was a red flag they didn’t want to exhaust any more energy on. Additionally, whilst ghosting is never great, they likely felt contact (even to say they didn’t want to pursue anything further with you) would be unwarranted - perhaps even unwelcome - given your seeming disinterest. Conversely, by the same token that you were better off without them, they were better off without you at that time given your anxiety and shyness which led them to misunderstand your interest level. You have now grown and would no longer present as a red flag in that area and perhaps they are different now too.

I think this is a bit of a rough and presumptuous assumption. I went on a first meet about a week ago and the guy asked me out again and said he could usually get a pretty good read on whether a woman was interested in him or not but with me he couldn’t (that was because I was undecided about my level of interest as well). So, although this guy did voice that at the time - to his credit - a lot of men do in fact feel uncertain and apprehensive. Rainbow gave an uninterested vibe despite her actual interest and the men could only work with what she gave them, so they cut their losses. Historically, men have been tasked with the role of getting the women but I think this has been disproportionately imbalanced and unfair. I think it is equal responsibility of both parties to be clear and open about their interest and intention.

Not true. I always insist on paying my own way and I have zero social media except Facebook - and even then, I only have close friends and family on my list. I actually feel incredibly uncomfortable if a guy insists on paying for me. Also, like Batya, I personally know 3-4 couples who met on dating apps who are now either married and/or own a property together with kids. And this is over the last several years. I also met, married, and had a child with someone I met on a dating app. We didn’t last, unfortunately, but we set out with good intentions.

This is the thing I really don’t get about partners who leave a relationship like this: why wait until things get bad and they’re already emotionally over before one spouse then cheats or cuts and runs? If, in my relationship, I started to see cracks or my feelings were changing, I’d be straight on it to mitigate further risk and damage. I’d be acknowledging the issue head on so the relationship doesn’t deteriorate beyond repair. OP, when you first started noticing that you were distancing yourself emotionally from your wife, why did you not have a conversation with her about it and put in place a plan of action to try to prevent the relationship from falling apart? That is what we promise to do in our vows when we first get married. And, if after all is said and done and the relationship cannot be saved after all despite preventative measures, then of course seek a way to amicably separate. But why wait until nothing can be done and the other partner is hit suddenly with the unexpected reality that their relationship is over before they even knew there was a problem?

I second all this. I went on a first meet several days ago. It was a lovely meeting but I felt zero romantic chemistry. At the beginning and end he hugged me without asking and I went along with it as it wasn’t worth causing a scene or embarrassing him but I did not feel comfortable at all. He even called me out on the goodbye hug because I was very loose with it and I had to explain that I’m not a huggy person - which is true, especially with someone I don’t really know. In your case, OP, maybe she went along with the kisses and actively participated in them in the moment because she felt put in a position when you initiated. I’d have likely done the same even though I would have felt incredibly uncomfortable. When my meet-up ended, my match said he’d love to see me again because he had a great time. I got home and thought about it for the rest of the day. I went back and forth between going on a first date and giving it a chance or ending it at the first meet. Ultimately, I sent him a message saying I had a nice time and he was a lovely person but that I felt we had more of a friend vibe. I thanked him for his time and consideration and wished him all the best. He never acknowledged it, but that’s fine. I recognised that if I felt this uncertain about going on a first date, then there was no hope for the relationship anyway. I think her lack of response is the answer you have. Also, try to remember that although you might have had a great first date, that doesn’t mean the other person automatically did too. I had a lovely time but knew from the second I saw him walking towards me that it wasn’t going to be the right match for me.

I don’t think OP got together with him for his money at all. She stated that they met and started dating before she even knew of his wealth, and in the 10 years since then, she’s not leant on him financially at all and I don’t think she expects it either - as she shouldn’t. In addition, I think a lot of people on this forum live in countries where rent is paid monthly, so may be operating under the assumption that the OP is too. In Australia, we pay weekly or fortnightly (every 2 weeks). If indeed she is paying $300 monthly, that is a great price. If, as in my case, she is paying that per week or fortnight, it works out to be not such a cheap deal - particularly when he has no mortgage on the property as it is already paid for and she pays half of all utilities and bills. I would also be concerned that he is allowing her to pay for all the groceries and housecleaning, which he equally benefits from as she does but contributed nothing to it financially. Unless she insisted on having a cleaner and he didn’t want one, I can’t see why she alone is paying for it. And there is definitely no reason she should be footing his food bill unless she pays for that by herself and he pays for something else they utilise by himself. I am not sure if his lack of response was a result of lack of empathy and consideration or if he didn’t know how to respond to the situation - I can’t speak to that. But, his lack of interest in sharing living expenses fairly does imply lack of care.

If this were a scientific study, the evidence suggests otherwise. If your high opinion of yourself was accurate, the proof would be in the pudding. Alas, the evidence shows you are offensive to women (and men) and lack perspective for self growth. Many of us here are women and we are not finding this behaviour attractive or “perfect”. Also, You would be hard pressed to find a woman who actually wants a perfect man. Truly.

Sorry to say, OP, your behaviour and attitude in just these few comments here are supremely unattractive. You are just throwing out red flags galore. You are permeating entitlement and arrogance (and yes, you are arrogant, not confident and you are confusing the two). You lack humility (a very attractive quality), belittle your supposed friend (unsupportive and resentful - also unattractive qualities) and have zero consideration for the women your approach. Your main goal is to get a woman rather than actually liking her and wanting to BE with her. I would caution any woman to think hard before pursuing anything with you because you come across as HATING women. I recommend seeking some professional help to gain a healthy perspective of women and also yourself.

I did have it at a shorter distance, but not so many people. Also, Australians don’t generally view these kinds of distances as red flags because it’s par of the course of being in Australia. A red flag, to me, is related to one’s character and if someone eliminates me because of my distance, then that is unavoidable and can’t be helped as I am not in a position to move. I do work in the capital city and my location changes to that area when I am there, so I do come across profiles from populated zones. I’m not really too concerned about whether I meet someone or not. I commented initially just to say that this idea that women get oodles of messages and people interested in them is a bit misguided. I have lived by big busy cities such as Tokyo, London, and Berlin and people are pretty much the same in their communication habits.

I think part of my issue is that I “swipe left” to almost everyone. It isn’t that I think the men don‘t have worth or are not good enough, but more so that I quite strongly identify as demi-sexual; I find it very challenging to feel any kind of initial attraction to anyone without first having developed a strong emotional attraction and that can be quite difficult when faced with online matching as the method of initial connection, particularly when their profiles often say very little about themselves. All my past relationships, bar for my marriage, came from long-standing friendships with male friends. But given I am so isolated where I am, I don’t have friends in general. I think perhaps I am not the idea candidate for OLD. I am not desperately looking, however, so I am okay with seeing how life unfolds and if I meet someone, great, and if I end up by myself at the end of my life, I guess that is also okay. Sad, but okay.

I’m 37 but often get told I look in my late 20s by most everyone l meet. I just subscribed to Hinge (been out of the dating game about 12 years - other than meeting my ex-husband 5 years ago (a relationship that lasted only a couple of years and didn’t really involve dating; we met and then were inseparable for a time) and ended 2 years ago. I’ve not dated since). Despite my thinking otherwise, I am often told in person and online I am attractive. I’m well educated from a top tier uni. I’m still outgoing and active - love to hike, rock climb, travel, etc. On paper, I seem to be a decent catch. My profile pics got a lot of likes in the first 24 hours (about 50) and my profile info/comments/etc. get a lot of likes too, but they are almost exclusively from men in their 50s and 60s (despite my search parameter being aged between 32-42) and have since almost completely dropped off. Yet, I have had 2 messages since I subscribed 3 days ago. My search area is within a 3-4 hour distance (being that I am in regional Australia and my capital city is 1.5 hours away, a wider search area is necessary) and still I have almost zero replies to messages or people initiating messages, even from men who liked my profile. I do sometimes get approached IRL by young guys in their early 20s who assume I am much younger than I am. But, here I am, still single without a lot of direct contact or dates materialising. I don’t think women get as many likes and messages as you think and when I do it is often by men who don’t bother at all to read my profile or they address me straight up as, “Hey beautiful”, which is extremely off-putting when I don’t know them from a bar of soap and can see their interest is only in having sex. The legitimate dating opportunities are few and far between, even for young, seemingly attractive women.

I haven’t read any of the responses, so I have no idea what points have been made, but I felt compelled to respond promptly. Honestly, you are not guilt-free, but I also think you were not of sound mind to give informed consent. I have lived in Japan before for years and I am fully aware of how things often occur in bars there and I have the very strong feeling you were taken advantage of. Again, you are responsible for your alcohol consumption and put yourself in a vulnerable position by becoming deliberately impaired and that was your responsibility, but I think there was a bit of calculating done on the part of the girl who very deliberately approached you with a nefarious agenda. It happens a lot. If she didn’t ask for money and went unprotected, she may have been trying to get pregnant with the highly sort after “hafu” baby (based on the assumption she was Japanese and you…not, which may not be true). Perhaps that wasn’t the case, but even if it was just for sex, a drunk person cannot give informed consent. What she drunk too? It isn’t a get-out-of-jail-free card and you played a part in what happened by drinking as you did, but I think it is significant and should be part of the conversation with your gf.

Such a cop out. Although it is important to have clarity in such a situation by discussing it, the implication was obvious and the nature of your relationship clear, if unspoken. It’s offensive and bs when a partner uses semantics or technicalities to gaslight their way through their immorality, particularly when they are aware of what the other party likely is under the impression of.

He already gave you a second chance as this is the second time you have cheated on him. OP, I’m sorry but I say this with respect - you are not emotionally mature enough at this stage to be in a committed, exclusive relationship because you are aware enough of yourself that you know you lack self control and the ability to make sound decisions when drunk, yet you keep putting yourself in the position of becoming vulnerable to making bad choices. If someone told you to do something against your moral values while drunk, such as break into someone’s house and steal their valuables, would you? If the answer is yes, then you need to choose not to drink. If the answer is no, then that tells you a lot about how committed you really are to your partner and relationship. If cheating is something that does not align with your values then even drunk, you wouldn’t be making the choice to betray your partner. People here are not making you feel bad, they are offering you very real advice and answers you don’t want to hear. It is a hard truth, but you need to mature and take the consequences of your choices and actions. If someone murders another while they are drunk (such as drunk driving) the court doesn’t just say, “that’s okay, you can have a second chance because you were drunk.” No, your murder charge might result in a lesser degree/manslaughter and sentence but you still need to do the time. Please respect your ex’s feelings. Your choice was to drink and put yourself in a position that would lead to cheating, and his choice was to end the relationship as a consequence because you have shown him that the second chance he already gave you was not valued or respected. The age-old adage goes, “Fool me once, shame of you. Fool me twice, shame on me”. He made the right choice to end it. I expected to read that you were 18 not 26; you need to sit and really think about the lifestyle choices you are making at the moment. Note: I once knew a man who did not drink alcohol. One day someone asked him if he was a recovering alcoholic. He said, “No. I don’t drink, because I never want to become one.” He was aware enough of himself at a very young age that he’d noticed he often downed glass after glass of normal (non-alcoholic) drinks without realising how much he’d consumed. He realised that that presented a very real potential to be dangerous if he was unable to keep track of alcoholic drinks. So at 18 he decided to never touch a drop in order to prevent himself from becoming an alcoholic or drunk and putting himself in a vulnerable position. Perhaps you should do the same.

This 👆🏼OP! All really great points/questions. My sister lived together with her ex until the children were teens, though they broke up when they were small. Neither of them dated during that time as per their agreement. It was the most toxic, destabilising environment for all involved. It’s the worst idea and will ruin your children’s healthy memories of the family of four you previously were. You say you don’t feel comfortable with applying for full custody despite the fact your ex is struggling, but I would at least make an appointment with a licensed therapist for your ex and you to attend together to learn how to/to navigate co-parenting. It is not for the purpose of counselling your relationship and relationship breakdown - do that in an individual counselling session - but to discuss in a safe space with guidance by a professional the process of co-parenting and the new family dynamic.

I have only read the first page not the second and third, so this might have been mentioned on those pages, but I don’t think what you expressed was remotely similar and I think on a subconscious level you knew that too at the time. As such, I think you said exactly what you meant: that you have strong feelings for her. That doesn’t automatically mean you are falling in love yet, though. In my opinion, such as it is, people who feel the same thing in any context, tend to mirror each other, and it is so natural for one to respond in kind with similar wording, in this case, “I think I’m falling in love with you.” a natural response would be, “I think I’m falling in love with you too.” or, “me too”, “I feel the same” etc. But, what you said was something that doesn’t easily fall off the tongue in a mirrored response. Rather, it is specifically avoidant of agreement to the same degree. You also have to go out of your way to phrase your response so as not to create a misunderstanding of where exactly you’re at. Now, these thoughts and the process of this information happens so fast that I think it wasn’t a conscious choice to word things that way. I think you expressed exactly how you felt on a subconscious level and what you expressed was strong feelings for her without quite being in the direct realm of love at that point. Your gf didn’t say she loved you but was falling in love with you. I think it is quite possible to be at that stage in 3 months. That you were not at the same stage as her perhaps highlighted to her that you might never develop stronger feelings than greatly liking her. Perhaps she just cut her losses because it is quite normal for people to gauge fairly early on in a relationship if it has the potential for love to develop. There is nothing wrong with how you felt about her, but there was also nothing wrong with her deciding to end things. Whether your response was cold or not is a matter of opinion and context matters. We weren’t there so don’t know the tone or the manner in which you spoke. You were free to express your feelings the way you wanted and she was free to do the same and she chose to end things. I suggest next time when someone tells you something important, you stop for a second to consider your response rather than just speaking without thought.

Yeah, my sister just spent over $100,000 on her wedding a few months ago (they don’t want kids and have that kind of money to spend), but she married him in secret days before the wedding with just 2 witnesses by the beach and only had the wedding for other people. In contrast, I got married at a beautiful registry office with my closest friends and then shouted them all to dinner at a wonderful restaurant where everyone had a great time. I think we spent about $500 in total. Being that we are now divorced, I’m glad I didn’t spend more than that. Despite the end result, I still have the memories of a brilliant day that I wouldn’t change.

Also, I know people have expectations for their weddings and often have this image in their minds about what it will look like, but if you’re not too attached to that, perhaps consider going a little more simple or doing a lot of it yourself to save on money if you are experiencing a lot of finance anxiety. A lot of people forget that a wedding really boils down to just one day; it’s the rest of your life that follows that really matters and many of the married couples I know, while thinking fondly of their wedding day, often really don’t consider it/think back on it that much once they are married. So, I think a lot of people focus on it until they are married and then often think about how they could have used their money more practically in hindsight, But, for some people the wedding day is very important in terms of how it happens,:so do what you feel will make you happy. It really is possible to do both - have a child and have a low-budget wedding that is still just as beautiful if you plan it right. However, as Seraphim said, it is nice to enjoy being a married couple for a bit first (maybe a year or two) before having kids because it really does change everything forever. FYI, I was 7 months pregnant when I got married (not why I got married/not shotgun wedding) and my ceremony was super low-key and no reception, just my important people at a lovely dinner afterwards and it was the best! I would have liked to have a year or two with my husband before we had kids but that just isn’t how it turned out. Having a child was too much on our new marriage and he also wasn’t a wonderful human being, so we are now divorced, and a lot of it had to do with too much as once. So, I’d avoid doing them both at the same time, in your shoes.

I’m so sorry you have been through this experience. What a gaslighting, horrible human being he is. My first serious boyfriend was also the man I lost my virginity to and without me realising, the first time we were together (my first time with anyone) he removed the condom during sex and I did not realise that until it was too late and I never gave my consent for that. He, I knew, had been a very promiscuous person and I was so angry at what he could have exposed me to. I lived in fear for the next 3 months until all tests came back negative for everything. I have only ever been with a partner I am in an exclusive relationship with but since the first time, I now never allow a thing to occur unless and until my partner has been tested for everything, even if it means having to wait 3 months to make sure all results are accurate. I don’t even have cold sores as a result. I'm so sorry you were treated the way you were. He has no love or respect for you, no consideration or care, so I think there is no way this relationship can move forward, as the necessary foundation, which is built on the above qualities, does not exist.

I’m sorry you experienced that. I also felt things were a bit intense towards you as well. I don’t get the impression the guy you’re interested in is a liar or that he isn’t interested in you. I do think the obstacles are too big for you both to have the necessary level of desire and commitment to overcome them, but that isn’t a punishable offence by any stretch. Head high and follow you intuition.

Actions speak louder than words. Love is a verb, not just a noun. Saying he loves you is easy, showing he loves you is a different matter and he is not showing he loves you. In fact, what he is showing you is that he doesn’t even like you. I wouldn’t even treat my friends the way he is treating you. I wish my friends happy birthday. I spend time with my friends (well, I did before I was a single mother in a rural town). The point is, your boyfriend actively avoids spending time with you, does not acknowledge your relationship needs, doesn’t invest in the relationship and puts no effort in. He just sits back and allows things to happen because he can’t be bothered moving away from it or engaging/actively contributing to it [the relationship]. Regardless of your thoughts about another person (your friend), I’d end things with your boyfriend because the relationship is not progressing/moving forward.

Sounds to me like her motivation for considering kids is solely based on not losing you. In my opinion, that is not a good enough reason to have kids. I wanted kids desperately and worked with kids as an au pair and pre-school teacher. I am significantly younger than my sister who had children young, so I spent my entire teenage years and young adulthood babysitting and, at times, helping raise kids, so I am well aware of what is involved. But, even with all that experience behind me, and all that desire for a child, I find it significantly challenging to raise my toddler. I had him at 33 and am now 37. I struggle with DMS (depleted mothers syndrome), which is an incredibly serious condition where the ‘demands on the mother (or primary carer) increase, and her resources decrease. As a result of this imbalance, the mother’s emotional sensitivity to both internal, and external triggers becomes heightened.’ (https://therapybeyondthecouch.com/depleted-mother-syndrome-dms-what-it-is-and-what-you-can-do-about-it/) This can lead to a number of serious results, such as the carer becoming uncharacteristically aggressive towards the child, depressed, thoughts of self-harm, feelings of helplessness and hopelessness, etc. A parent has to really really be committed to a child and have the desire to have that child to be able to overcome (and to want to overcome) the challenge that is raising children and the fact that, for a significant period of time, a parent (usually the mother or primary carer) has pretty much zero autonomy and does not belong to themselves. It is not a sacrifice but a choice. Like if you love both vanilla and chocolate ice cream and have to choose one flavour or the other - say you choose chocolate, you don’t sit there thinking how you had to sacrifice the vanilla in order to eat the chocolate. No, you think that you simply chose the chocolate because that is what you wanted more. Having children is the same. You might give some things up to have them but it is not a sacrifice it is a choice between two things and you chose the one you wanted more. When you have a child out of fear of sacrificing something else that you want more, then that is not a good enough foundation upon which one should build their family and choose parenthood. All the challenges become too challenging and resentment builds up and the child suffers the consequences. I very much do not agree with the notion that she cannot pin point why she doesn’t want children. She has, several times. It doesn’t have to be because of some trauma and fear that is holding her back; it can simply be because one lacks the desire to dedicate their life to and prioritise a child over their own life. There is nothing wrong with wanting to prioritise ones self over a child when that person then chooses not to have a child. The problem is when one has a child when they still wish to prioritise their own life first. Nothing but the fiercest desire to be a parent should drive a person to be a parent. I’d think many times over about what you’re potentially considering here.