SanSerif

Hey, I just wanted to let you know you're not alone in this extraordinary spectrum of feelings you've pretty artistically expressed here. I know you wrote it for you, but I have to tell you it feels wonderful to see my own emotions and experience reflected by another - with a different set of nuances and highlights, but essentially the same. I felt a kinship as your writing unfolded. Thank you. I completely understand where you're coming from.

awesome poem.

That is incredible writing. Do you have anything else you're proud of you could share?

Haha man that is FREAKING hilarious! We're here for ya bro. As long as you feel what you're doing is the right thing...and you're getting good results. If things are going smoothly and you feel your footing is returning then you know you've done the right thing. Once you're comfortable with yourself and your life again without her, it's probably ok to talk to her. Then you can relate to her as a whole person again, which is what NC is all about. Before you feel comfortable in that, I'd probably stay out of contact, make sense? You're doin good man! Keep posting, let us know how things go.

Uppercut: have you gone nc. let me know how youre doing.

Ag. It was a Myspace friend request. She took herself off me when we broke up...now she wants back in. I thought it was an email cause I checked it on my phone. I'm still wondering what to do about her. I'm wondering if what I'm doing is right. If she really had something meaningful to say, she'd send me a well thought out email. This I know.

Hi..some of you may not know me yet. I just joined a few weeks ago..but ok here goes: my first love and i broke up almost a month ago. It was because she was 17 and im 21 and her parents would never be ok with that. Search my username for the more detailed version. i initiated nc on the 5th. Shes called me since but i never picked up. I know its been the right way to go. Now shes sent me an email..tonight. i havent opened it. Im not sure i want to. My instincts tell me that whatevers in there couldnt possibly be what i want to hear..even if im not sure what that is. my life is starting to make sense again..i dont want that to be derailed. But then again its just an email. I dont know what id do if i opened it and it said something like just wanted to say hi or how you doing lol or merry christmas. all opinions are welcome.

Hey! Sorry for the late response..I wrote out a good one yesterday but internet issues intervened and the whole thing was lost. Anyway! About NC...it was different. At first, I pretended I could talk to her. One day..3 days after we broke up, she texted, called, and emailed me. I was befuddled, but played along. Eventually during the phone call I made it inadvertantly clear I couldn't talk to her. I wrote her an email later expressing exactly how I felt and that she should not contact me. She didn't for 4 days. Then she texted me saying she got in a car wreck...I texted back..and picked up the phone when she called later. Really, looking back, (this was 3 weeks ago [wow]) I was still very lost at that point, and hearing from her...I'm sure didn't do much good. I just wanted to know that she was physically ok. I ended that phone call with "you can call me anytime, its ok". She sent me a little email saying, as long as everything's ok, I'm fine. I hadn't realized that I wasn't ready to talk to her at all. Do not contact her. Trust me. She called me many times over the next week, and I never picked up; finally trusting my gut. Talking and keeping in contact with them, no matter how great of friends you are or were, only sets you back. Trust your instincts if they tell you to ignore her calls. Don't trust them otherwise Of course, your situation is different, I know. But I'm finding that the longer I stay with NC, the better I get a grip on who I am again and realize that this was just a part of life. Best of luck to you mate!

Hey guys. I wanted to thank you for all your help, and strawberries your post was helpful I'm doing much better now, I'd say. I think the most important thing I'm realizing is that it's my life...and I'm letting these feelings and memories control it. It's impossible to be happy when I do that. Anyways, things are going well with my new girl. I think my main problem is that I've just had so much trouble accepting what happened for what it was...I got angry for a bit..but I'm past that now.

Uppercut- I feel as though I have an obligation to ring in here. First off, I know, at least to some extent what you're going through. I am 21; fell in love with a girl who was 17, my first love 4 months ago. We've been broken up for one month on the 22nd. My relationship with her was mostly me thinking it was going to be something it wasn't. I'm coming to find that what I expected to happen wasn't ever going to, because she was so young we couldn't see eye to eye on a relationship level. Maybe as friends, but not as lovers. She never cheated on me, but she was very flirtatious and lead-onish to the other guys in her life that liked her. Reading your post made my jaw drop when you described your communication with her regarding your jealousy issues. Trust me, I had them too. You feel like if you can't control who she's with, what's to stop her from messing around with them, since they are obviously interested in her? The thing is...it's completely their decision. You are a great person and have lots of love to give, and there are lots of girls out there that would gladly accept it from you and cherish you for who you are and give it back. But she's not one of them; not yet at least. My girl and I had problems in communication, and I always chalked it up to me being overly protective or me having to sort out my own issues...this being the first girl (and only, I was convinced) I had ever fallen madly in love with. The thing is, when I 'sucked up' to her as you put it...I put my own opinions and priorities in the backseat...rather than wasting my breath to someone who I deep down knew wouldn't understand where I was coming from. That is the important thing here. The age difference, at least at that age, is monumental and detrimental to true connection. Just my two cents, and apparently everyone else's I can't imagine the pain you went through when you found out she had cheated on you. The most important thing I can say to you is that you deserve better. You know this in your heart and you knew it all along. Would you ever do that to someone you loved? If you did, would you ever be able to forgive YOURSELF for it? You and I aren't in the same boat, but we're sailing in the same fleet. I encourage you to do whatever you can to accept what has happened and move on. Time will reveal how you really feel, and there's a lot of good out there for you to find. Best of luck mate.

Wow. Sorry, I just wanted to thank you again for everything you've said...you can't know how helpful this is right now!

Wow, thank you for everything you said Friscodj. I can't tell you how much I appreciate your advice. Some background on her: She was adopted into an extraordinarily wealthy and very protective family. From almost the beginning of our relationship she would subtly push the issue that I would get 'tired' of her. Don't get me wrong; everything was floating on air when things were going good. Whenever we would have these talks, I would assure her that she had no reason to be paranoid(her own words); I would never leave her or cheat on her. I always showered her with affection and love, and she returned it amiably for the most part. There was always this lingering thought in the back of her head that she would bring up, however, and that was that I would leave her and this wouldn't last forever...like her belief was dooming us from the start...? I would tell her to relax and enjoy this for what it is..but those thoughts seemed to always return to her. I won't lie; it made me mad sometimes, like...how can you think that after what I tell you and feel for you? I think maybe the reason she said those things is because she knew her family circumstances would eventually force her to choose them over me...and I couldn't be equated into her family. I felt cheated out of a fair chance by this assumption. I don't know man..I've been so lost over this, giving my whole self and everything I have to a relationship to have it dissolve slowly into nothing...and for what? Because she's 17? I mean that has to be it...I must have been expecting a more mature outlook and sense of connection from someone who understands what they want in a more adult manner. I think you have a good point about my jumping into a new relationship right away. I really don't know though man, its just tough being alone right now. It's like I'll do anything to keep from being alone after this. Maybe we should just be friends. Ag!

Wow, thanks Momene. I haven't talked to her in two weeks, and I've met a new girl (20), that seems very much more open and honest, which is A BREATH OF FRESH AIR. I really did lose my mind when I fell in love with her. I know people say that...I can only assume we've all been through the same thing. I'm picking up the pieces and building up my sense of self again...most of the time I'm in shock that this whole thing happened in the first place. She's tried to contact me about 6 times in the last two weeks, and I just think to myself, "what does she want to say?" What could she possibly have to say to me...I think she moved on much faster than I did, which leads me to believe that either a)she wasn't as committed as I was or b)I'm feeling sorry for myself. The whole thing is complicated by the fact that we broke up, not because we didn't love each other, but because she wasn't allowed to see me. That's what makes this whole thing difficult for me. I'm trying to move on.

Me and my first love broke up 3 weeks ago. It was mutual; she was tired of lying to her family whenever she came to see me (there was a 4 year age difference; she 17 me 21), and one of her family members confronted her about coming to see me. It had happened before; we always assumed (or at least I did) that it was going to work out eventually. I pretty much lost my mind for this girl, and am crawling back up from the nethers. She has tried to contact me many times after the breakup; once I accepted the call and had a somewhat awkward but okay conversation with her. Then for the last two weeks, she has called, and I have not picked up. I think, maybe she isn't affected as much as I am by this breakup, and thereforeeee is comfortable talking with me this soon. I pretty much invested everything I am in this relationship and need the time away from her, in NC to rediscover MYSELF. I told her this; then told her it was okay to talk after 5 days of that...but I'm now sure it's not enough. I haven't answered her calls for the last two weeks, and I'm just wondering, "what is it she wants to say to me?" This has been the hardest thing on me in my whole life...am I feeling sorry for myself by not wanting to talk to her? I feel on one hand that I would love to stay in touch with her because I loved her so much. But I really think I need to maintain NC because I need to build up myself again... I posted this thread before; its the whole version from about 2 weeks ago: Basically, we parted on terms that we were still very much in love with each other, but it just couldn't happen because of the circumstances. I told her I would wait until she was 18; she insisted that I deserved better than that. The whole situation's shady because if she did start dating me when she turned 18, she would have to introduce me to the family (extremely protective), and they would know that I was 'the guy' she fell in love with and wasn't supposed to...then she would get in even more trouble; she's scared. I realize that this is a breakup...but it's so complicated because we aren't breaking up because we don't love each other...its because of the situation. I don't know. I feel as if I waited around for her, without her saying she'd wait for me...that she'd find another guy (its about a 1-hour time difference). I've already got another girl, and I almost feel as if it's insurance in case I did pick up the phone and hear that she has a new guy, that I wouldn't have to deal with that kind of pain. I feel terrible. The worst part is, I do like the girl I'm with now; but I have fleeting glimpses of the idea that what I'm doing is wrong and I should be with the one I love(?)d(?). I chalk this up to the fact that I'm having trouble letting go and moving on. I am. I'm not really sure how to approach my relationship with my old love.

Thank you both so much for your responses. I'm feeling my way through this thing, feeling bit by bit more like myself every day...but it's a new me. I haven't contacted her and she hasn't me. Both of you brought up great points about learning with age..those years between 17 and 18...and 19-20 and 20-21...exponential learning has taken place. It's just that I never thought it would be this painful and heartwrenching That's love. Amen. She will come to see what happened here in a new light someday. Maybe soon, maybe not. I'm sure I will too. I have to admit, that along the way I had questioned what I was even doing when she acted immature. I would bite the bullet and try to understand her point of view when I sensed youthful indecision and flakiness. At times it just became painfully apparent to me that I had fallen in love with a 17-year old. Those impulses don't come from nowhere, do they? Thank you guys. I REALLY appreciate it. Love you for your compassions.

Okaaaay.. howdy and hello to everyone out there. This is my first try at these relationship forums, but I'm in need of some hopefully helpful insights into my situation. Thank you in advance, y'all I'm 21, Male, have had a couple flings, but never a serious relationship. I had my first in June, which lasted 2 months, until I met my now-ex. I broke up with this old girlfriend, largely in part due to my now-ex. (which I realized was going nowhere and we had little in common). She seemed to be everything I could have ever hoped for. Please understand that the length of this post is only to give you all as much background as possible so I can help you see my plight. She is 17; and she had been in few relationships. We met at work during the summer in late July (lots of new staff comes through due to volume), and I can't describe to you how hard and fast I fell for her. After a while, we were inseperable at work, spending every possible second together and flirting Immensely; an obvious and undeniably strong mutual attraction. I invited her to some fun events, but she declined, indiscreetly. I knew she still lived with her parents, they were protective, yada yada yada...none of that matttered. We were incredibly into each other. All the time we spent together at work and after work (yet still in the building) built our fondness of each other, and one night after work, I kissed her...which lead to everything but sex in a cosmically profound exchange of passion. It didn't end there! We only got stronger...she came to stay with me the very next morning before work, after I told her where I lived and we consummated our feelings (which, at the time was absolutely uncontrollable on both of our parts). Neither of us had cognitized that it was love at that point. Eventually we did, though, and our phone conversations were hours long; our time spent together at work was passionate, and we couldn't get enough of each other. I asked her to be my girlfriend somewhere along the line, very soon before I told her I loved her. Nothing was ever in doubt with this girl. We were made for each other. It really was like Romeo and Juliet, and to this day is the most powerful experience I have ever felt. Okay...so her mom and brother followed her home from work 3 days after we hooked up...confronted me...and explained to me that she had never really dated, what was I doing with a 17 year old; the usual. She got in big trouble, and I realized that if this was going to happen, it would have to be all kept under wraps. We talked about it a bit, and our passion was so great there was no question we would continue to see each other. So our relationship lasted just over 3 months. She had gotten in BIG trouble with her family for coming to see me; lying to them about me. I always knew she could get in trouble, but nothing mattered, you know? All that mattered was that we would be together soon. Her family completely disregarded the idea of her dating me based on the age difference. I never got to meet her father; he never wanted to acknowledge my existence. They are extremely wealthy, she is adopted, grew up her whole life under the wing of a Very protective family with two older brothers. Basically, I wasn't going to get in. She had begged me not to come to her house to bring forth my love for her and introduce myself to her family, because she knew they would not accept me. She said if I came to the house and her family rejected me, then she KNEW she wouldn't be able to see me and that was too much for her to bear. I came to terms with that, and realized it would take time, but always assumed she would help integrate me into her family life....or something It just ended. 5 days ago. She came to see me, a record 4 days in a row..(we only got to see each other for 1 hour periods maybe twice a week), and she always had to lie to everyone about it. I had told her to confront her parents and family and tell them she loved me and she was making her own decisions and that she was a mature, big girl and fully capable. She always fought against that, and that was one of the dynamics of our relationship. Me explaining to her that she could have whatever she wanted, if she wanted it...it took me a very long time to realize that that wasn't true and her ties to her family were stronger than anything. I was completely off the wall nuts and up and down, rollercoaster-riding throughout our entire relationship. Emotions I've never felt were pining through my brain at lightspeed, and I couldn't focus on anything but her. I really had fallen madly in love. It was the same for her..but different in that it wasn't free. To her it came at a cost; and that cost was she knew she couldn't really give herself to me because of the limitations her obligations to her family imposed. Everytime she saw me, she had to lie to them...and it kept our love from being free. Our relationship seemed to hang by a thread and on the verge of failure at times, but show unwavering potential and incredible strength at others. Building trust at this point was obviously key. I chalked up the fact that she would talk about other guys to the immaturity of being 17. I never told her I was jealous, because I thought that would make me appear weak...so I didn't assert myself. When I did, I would make sure she was happy at all costs, and put my own mental wellbeing in the backseat, and assume I was just learning to trust. I knew she wouldn't cheat on me...but she loved to lead other guys on. She was naturally flirtatious. She always asked me if I didn't want her to talk or see X guy friend of hers, but I always said it was ok and lied. I was insecure all of a sudden, and my love for her had been replaced with anxiety that she was going to find something she wanted more. She would tell me about guys that hit on her, or guys that she knew liked her. Then she would tell me the things they said to her, and she would always say, "and I was like ... yeah. ... okay ..." Or something vague along those lines, as apposed to: Don't give me that kind of attention. I'm very happy with who I'm with. Which is what she did toward the beginning of our relationship. The problem is I became such a pushover I forgot who I was and was disinterested in anything but being with her. I knew she wanted to be with me. There was always love. The time we did spend together was always extraordinary. Somewhere along the lines of our relationship, somewhere after the first month of being together...I woke up and realized some strange epiphany, like icewater had been chucked on me, and I realized how miserable I was without her. When I would talk to her on the phone, I couldn't even enjoy it, because I was self-conscious all of a sudden. I wasn't honest with her about that because: How can a 17-year old deal with the sudden insecurities of her 21-year old boyfriend? My feelings were as follows: If she was in love with me, why didn't she feel as lonely without me as I did without her? I started going crazy at work, lost my ability to connect with others...and wondered how could I have gone from being so happy, to feeling so unfulfilled and overcompromising, just to get a slice of what I once knew I wanted? Did I even want it anymore? The problem was, when she would express she had doubts, I would reassure her, putting faith in myself that my doubts would disappear as I remembered who I was. I would remember that I loved her, everything was going to be fine, she loved me, and My mental wellbeing would return to me. But I started waking up everyday with this anxiety..and soon I got nervous instead of elated when she would call. I sacrificed myself, everything I did...until I was doing nothing at all...to maintain my relationship with this girl...and I disappeared in the process. She came to see me, the last time, (her parents were on a cruise) and we were going to actually have a whole night together. I couldn't believe it. I was really looking forward to spending more than 2 hours with her in person...getting to know her quirks...showing her mine...relating on a different level; one that couldn't be dislodged by a misinterpreted tone during a phone call. You know. Anyways, we were looking forward to this great night, and her older brother called and left a voicemail saying, "I thought you were smarter than to park your car outside your boyfriend's house while our parents were away." She became immediately distant; frightened like a deer in the headlights, and after 20 minutes of her just standing with her back to me, I coaxed her to open up and talk. She eventually said she couldn't lie anymore and she had to go. I kissed her one last time and gazed into her eyes, then took a step back and let her go. I knew she wouldn't be coming back. I told her before she left, that she needed to make her family understand how she feels about me; she's a big girl...ugh. She fled in terror of losing the trust and respect of her family, but lost mine. I sacrificed myself, my whole self, and am now picking up the pieces and remember who I am and what I'm like. It's insane. This weird anxiety I built up still lingers a bit, but it's disappearing. I'm trying to remember who I am after all this. She called the next night and sobbed uncontrollably for 45 minutes. This was heartfelt despair. I have never in my whole life heard the cries of someone so alone in their sorrow. I spoke softly to her throughout, assuring her things would be fine. Once she was all cried out, I let her go. She let me go. I have yet to cry. Spoke to a friend about the whole thing and he encouraged me to fight for what I love the next day. She called me up again, (strange,no?) and I told her we were throwing away something extraordinary..and it wasn't right and she knew it. She made it out like I was trying to blame her, and in a way, I was...I was trying to get through to her that this wasn't the decision we were supposed to make. She said she knew it, but there was nothing she could do about it. We reached a consensus and I said the only thing she had to say to me for me to stop fighting for her would be for her to tell me she didn't want to be with me. I asked her to do it, so that I could let her go. She said it. I rationalized and accepted it. We connected once again, fantastically, in a different way than we ever had for the rest of the phone call. Then she said she had lied. She did want to be with me. She does love me. She will always love me. Down the line she sees a chance for us. I do too. She said I miss you; love you. I replied. Then we said goodbye. I tried to maintain composure and rediscover the maturity I possessed before I went crazy and tried to control this whole thing and make it go my way. I achieved it, and we were able to part on the best, and most morose of terms. Pain. She called me twice the next day ... (...) ... texted me, told me she sent me an email. I've never been through something like this, and I was confused as to why she was contacting me, or even felt comfortable with it given the circumstances. I felt on one hand that I had to get over her, which means shutting her out of my life completely, right? On the other hand...our parting was based on the fact that she was not allowed to see me. Keep the light alive? I tried. But as we spoke on the phone, I dishonestly and painfully made it inadvertantly clear that I could not talk to her at that point, but couldn't bring myself to say it. She seemed fine with talking to me, but I pretended I could...then the truth came out and I wrote her a lengthy email explaining all of this. She told me in an email that she had been frightened almost the entire time we were together; frightened something would happen and she'd be found out; frightened and paranoid that I had been cheating on her, frightened that I would leave her for someone else. I had constantly reassured her I would never leave or cheat on her. She said she couldn't focus, couldn't concentrate or enjoy, because she was so afraid something bad was going to happen. I knew that our relationship had been built on grounds of indiscretion at that point...I lived with the idea that eventually things would work out and she would be with me...she lived with the idea that eventually she'd be found out and have to leave me. My God, I wish she would have told me sooner, I told her. I wish we could have been far more honest with each other, but...it was both of our first loves. It seems fear took on both of us in different ways. I told her I had invested so much into our relationship that I had forgotten who I was...and I needed her to keep out of contact me while I got over her. I told her to resist the urge to contact me, even though there is still love there, because I am incapable (more or less) of giving her the reassurance she needs, because my emotions and thoughts are jumbled and inconsistent right now. Give me space. That was 2 days ago, and we haven't spoken since. For those of you who beared with me, thank you so much. So there we are, and I have a few unanswered questions about the whole thing. I'm certain now I did the right thing by initiating no contact, because believe me, I was 3 times as crazy 2 days ago when I was speaking to her as I am now. I wouldn't have ever unearthed this level of insight..right? She mistreated me at times...but my refusal to express my discontent was my own fault. It didn't kill the relationship...it seems the relationship was bound to be killed...but I still feel that in the future we can find a life together, even if it's very close friends. We share a bond, but I hope I haven't severed it; I hope there is still a chance for us. Okay, thank you all again for listening; I apologize for the LENGTH! but I feel everything I have written is necessary.