velda

Hi Femme: Here's a line from your first post "all i want is someone to love, trust, respect and be there for me". A very reasonable request. It doesn't sound like this woman has any capacity to be that person for you. She tries to push off blame and responsibility on you, she's seeing others when you have the understanding that there is supposed to be monogamy. It was noble of you to try to look past her 'past' and let her start something new with you, but her past life is obviously not over. I would break it off, painful as it may be. Best wishes for you. You can PM me if you'd like.

8) It almost seems like he wants your attachment to him to be as anxious as his is to you. Like, he wants you to feel suspicious towards any woman that he says he's spoken with, so that then he can gripe about your overreaction, and he can feel like "gosh, she must really love me if she can't stand to think of me even talking to some other woman." do you want to play this sick game? It's pretty interesting to me that he's in control at work and in other aspects of his life...saving all his anxiety for you. I would watch out, especially if you've only known him a year or two. His family's 'surprise' at his out of character marriage to you might be just that, or it might be closer to 'shock and horror' because they don't want to prejudice you with what they know of his bizarre or abusive conduct with other women in the past. Is there any one of them you could find out more from or share your troubles with without them defending him or it getting back to him? The guy I dated was never threatening to me, just overly emotional, for about the 1st year. Then he started breaking things of mine, and slowly it got to where he was threatening me personally. All the while he'd swear he loved me. The first whole year though, I would have thought it impossible that he'd ever raise a hand to me. I'm not saying this is the same situation though. You hang in there and keep your eyes wide open, and keep writing in that journal. Take Care, A

First of all, I think you shouldn't worry about this too much, it's was probably a harmless (and kinda cute) attack of insecurity on his part, and he asked someone he thought could give him the real scoop on your feelings. If you think you can mention it to your sister without her freaking out that you read her mail, that's what I'd do first. I'd ask her how the question came about, and how she answered it. Make sure not to sound offended, jealous or uptight about the fact that he e-mailed her. And then you can mention it to him in a casual way...i mean, unless the e-mail swore her to secrecy that she must never let you know he asked. Let him know that "Yes" you do like him, and you care about him a lot! Reassure him. If you can't mention this to either one of them at all, then I have to wonder why there's so much distance and fear of misunderstanding in your relationships with them. They love you, so they will understand your curiosity. It should be ok!

I didn't know from previous posts about your marriage, but I do know a little bit about the mind games that people who have been in prison can learn. I dated a guy a while back that acted just like this, and it took a restraining order to finally end the relationship. I felt sorry for his insecurity and his need to harass me, but in the end I realized that I could not help him. I hope it's not the same guy. You can even find yourself doubting your own sanity. My questions are: 1. Is he ever violent with you? 2. Do you ever feel afraid of his temper (afraid of what he could do)? 3. Is he out of control at work too? Seems to me he needs some counseling and maybe some anti-anxiety medication, but of course that would only work if he wanted to pursue it. Right now it sounds like he's having too much 'fun' twisting your brain into a pretzel to consider therapy. You have to find ways to really and truly insulate yourself from him when he's like this. It might make him worse, but you need time to get your own head clear about what to do. You don't want this to be the rest of your life.

i understand how you're feeling, and i do believe it is possible for this to be a 'one-time thing', but i would ask more questions. first of all, it seems like you're really clinging to the idea that she would never do this, or initiate this. Is that denial, or is that a real appraisal of the situation? Seems to me that if she was joking with a friend about it, she's not exactly completely ashamed of herself. it's best for relationships to develop on solid ground and honesty. this includes accepting the possibility that she might have found herself attracted to this other guy. maybe she was very willing to kiss him, and maybe it was more than a kiss that actually happened. unless she tells you, you'll never really know. unless she feels like she can be honest with you without you wigging out, she will decide it's better just to stroke your ego and minimize the incident. whatever happened between her and him, it was a short-lived incident. if she wants to be in a monogamous relationship with you, and more importantly, if you still want her in your life, then you should talk out the circumstances of what happened and then forgive her. Don't forget that you might also have to examine your own conduct in the relationship...maybe there's something you need to apologize for too. in my experience there's always two sides to a story, and the best way to sort it out is to be strong enough to face both sides without condemning her or deciding to be blind to the facts.