Cheetarah

This is why I am so terrified of daycare. I know they were school incidents, but still. You knew your son had some problems, just what exactly it was wasn't properly diagnosed at the time. This is how I feel with my son, though what exactly is wrong, I don't know. If I hear daycare one more time out of anyone's mouth, I'll lose it. It's not happening.

I don't understand that at all. Why would she call you a name for sharing experiences that made you feel the same? What did she have to say when you asked her what is up with that?

You're in a waaay different place about it than you were. Proud of you, IAG.

Dad, I've never really been much of a spiritual person. Well, I've certainly never been religious, at least. Spiritual...I think in my own way, perhaps. And because it is in my 'own way' I never knew what to call it. I don't have to call it anything, do I? But because of my long held beliefs about myself and spirituality, I am having a hard time coming to grips with the fact that I am writing to you on a forum. That I talk to you, in my head and out loud. And there's nothing desperate about it anymore. I don't so desperately need answers from you anymore. I talk to you conversationally, rather than begging you for answers as I had for at least 2 decades. It's not about answer seeking anymore. It's just about talking to you. Conversationally, somewhat like I would a friend or my mom. It is so natural, yet to me because I'm not seeking anything in particular, it FEELS unnatural. I guess it is an internal battle with what I feel I believe, and have believed - And what I actually believe now. It seemed more 'natural' to plead for answers, because to me it wasn't open-ended attempt. But everything I have been doing, over this last 6, 8, 10 months - Well it's been that. Well...I guess I would have a hard time with this. I mean, when you think or believe a particular way for many years and then you make a slow shift...It's a little upsetting to the equilibrium. So I say...Who cares. Does it matter? Do I have to analyze EVERYTHING until I've exhausted myself? The last 3 years have shown me just how exhausting and counter productive that is. I didn't ever really realize there was an option for choosing peace. I think my one situation I'm dealing with is a little more complex with that, because I can't seem to control how my brain fires off at random times. But other things, like this for example...Yes. It's an option. And it's made to sound so simple and natural, and easy. It isn't, until you are ready for it to be. And then it is. And look at how I just oversimplified it. But it really is that way! I always think of what my friend said, about how people will reach resolution on their own time. No one else's. And everyone's journey to that is individual. Some of us take longer than others. Some of us ask way too many questions that do little else than serve as a barrier. The questions are no longer bred of real curiosity, but of a subconscious barrier. And maybe an outsider sees that long before we do. Usually they do. And the outsider can do nothing but just observe, and wait until you come to your own terms. Watch your own truths take shape, watch you struggle with them, conform and try to mold them to what you THINK you knew...Or you thought you were supposed to know. And just fight with yourself until one day, you say...I'm tired. This is just what I feel and maybe I'm just going to feel it. And to hell with 1,000 questions. And that's when the peace comes. And it's marvelous. And of course, we want to question it. Who is this "peace" and what is it doing in my home? Lol. Dad...I ask too many questions for my own good sometimes. So without question and analyzing, I want to tell you that I feel you here more now than I ever have in my life. I still want to know who my son is talking to. He goes in the corner of the yard every single time. He has a giant grin on his face and he's babbling, which he doesn't do anymore. He speaks clearly(well, to me..I'm sure others would need a toddler translator). But not then. And it's every time. I don't know what it is! Do you know how many times I have investigated this area? I'm thinking okay, is there a snake there...Is there some kind of bird I'm not seeing? What is so special about this corner? Maybe time to stop asking. I feel you all the time. Outside. Always outside. In the house, no not really. But it would make sense, wouldn't it? You loved being outdoors. You would have lived in a forest if you could have. I have a very specific image of you in my head when I am out there. At times I think I see it, it's so powerful. Of course, I moved my head and nothing is there. But you are wearing some ratty looking grey pants. A dark grey tshirt, big one. Your belly is kind of flopping over the waistband(sorry - Just saying. That shirt isn't hiding anything). You simply stand there, observing. Always a smile. Always. A big, genuine smile. Even just recalling this feeling that I have when I am out there brings tears to my eyes. I can't identify the emotion, and I won't. Because I think some things are better left to just be. But you're not really looking at me. You're looking at my son. Your eyes follow him. Right now, I am struggling not to call myself a lunatic for these things. Thinking okay, is this yet ANOTHER mental affliction I need to add to the list? No questions for now. I'm here, I'm grounded in reality. No one is video taping me through a hole in the wall. My phone isn't bugged. Maybe I'm just not so deeply attached to my earthly self anymore.

Thanks for the help. It was sent all at once. Even though we never saw any baby pictures of you, we all imagine that your grandson looked like you as a baby. As I look just like you. And he looks a lot like me. Sorry I never put Christmas decorations on your grave. I don't know why I didn't, and why I haven't gone back since November. I know you liked that tacky stuff, so I heard. I should visit you again. And then we will visit the babies and leave them gifts again. He looks over my shoulder all the time and smiles. There's nothing there. Sometimes he says 'hey, guy!'. And giggles for no reason that I can figure out. Maybe it's his imaginary friend. Or maybe it's you. If it's you, feel free to hang out for awhile. Whatever it is, it tickles him to no end.

Can you send some earthly help this way for me? Put a good word in someone's ear, maybe? I don't want to go down the path that you did. And I know you don't want that, either. I'm going to dream of you tonight, I know it. I can feel your presence very strongly today. Thank you.

It makes sense, actually. Plenty. I've toyed with the idea of whether or not I want to date, and I just realized I really don't. Not now. Perhaps later, I will. Right now, I'm enjoying myself and I rather not mess with a good thing. That being said, I don't particularly desire sex. Maybe it's my medications, maybe it's just me, maybe it's both. I want to enjoy company with a witty conversationalist on my time. I want to do it all, on my time. I don't want to feel responsible to anyone other than my family. Perhaps it's pretty selfish, but that's how I feel. And I feel like, I couldn't just do those things on my time, my schedule, my desire without some sense of feeling indebted. That an explanation is always going to be expected or the very least, desired. Does anyone else feel that way? Indebted to people even with something as simple as having a 3 hour conversation about cheese? That's my thing. That's why I'd rather live like a monk(for lack of a better description).

You know, speaking from how it was on the 'other side' - I don't know about other people, but...That was a really hard concept for me to grasp. I think a lot of it is really just simple projection. "Well, I feel like this, so naturally they would feel like that? And if they don't, then it means...something not good." There was no way I couldn't take it personally. Even though I get that it wasn't. I couldn't even rationalize it then, it wasn't one of those things where I knew logically/didn't emotionally. It was just beyond my comprehension on any level. So I thought something was wrong with those people(lol). Or they were lying to me/themselves about what they actually wanted. And now...I find people maybe side eye me the same way, in regards to my preference for being with myself. Much like how I regarded people who felt that way. The disbelief or the suggestion/implication that I can't be whole. I talked to my therapist about it at length, actually. I didn't realize exactly...how many people felt the way I used to feel. That's funny, IAG - I actually find I am more rigid the older I get. I mean, I suppose it depends on the context. Maybe it's more like, solidifying deal breakers and stuff. Just...when you don't really have good boundaries, I think everything feels rigid from the get go.

You took a lot of the words right out of my mouth, IAG. Except, I've been there. Afraid of it. 3 years on my own and - Yeah. It's cool. I wouldn't touch a person with a 10 foot pole now, who hasn't been there and capable of it. And I don't just mean...DEALING with it. I mean, doing it. DOING it. Putting their self into that journey. I like my breathing room and my space, emotionally, physically. I cherish it, actually. And it means more to me because of how long it took to get here. I don't want...anyone impeding on that. I don't want to be around those that haven't sailed that journey(should there have been the reason for them to do it to begin with). I don't want to be clung to. And for other reasons, like - Because I know it isn't really about me. That desperation for closeness. They are holding onto me because of their fear. I think...when you feel like that...You just can't really ever know that person. And I'm not even talking about years of getting under all those layers, I'm saying what is the point here - If you hold onto me so tightly, can you still know what I am about? Do you know what you are afraid of losing? Is it me? Is it loss? It is being left to your own devices? I don't think you can know. And I can't place my faith in that kind of connection - Not the faith that it will or won't work, but the faith that it is an actual connection. I don't know if that makes sense. I hear you.

Big hugs, Vic. Happy Angel Day, little Liam.

A friend of mine went to her abuser's funeral. She said she wanted to dance on the grave(she didn't actually). It gave her a sense of closure and peace, she wanted to watch him go into the earth, to know he could never touch anyone again. I think that's a very personal decision for you to make.

There's a theme that pops in my head for everyone's journal that I read. The feeling I get, like for example when I read Vic's, I'm in someone's living room with maroon couches and holy pictures on the walls, having pomegranate juice and cucumber sandwiches. Yours is, drinking horchata con ron at a beach campfire. With that salty beach air mixed with someone's fabric softener. Just thought I'd say. lol. Also, you've inadvertently exposed me to some good new(for me) tunes!

I don't know what you mean by 'socialize'. I think I made it clear 2 months ago when I told you we have no basis for a friendship or relationship. But we WILL have this tie now for the next 18 years. Learn to differentiate. I have tried to involve you all the way around as much as I can. You don't bite. I feel sorry for you as you'll not have this exact opportunity again, but I guess that's on you. It never occurred to me, to be an ass and not set you up for any involvement...I WANT you to be involved. Not for me. For them. And I'll be frank here, I've gone above and beyond. But as you say..."It's not like they're REAL"...Not real, huh? Ok...I suppose I just have a barbie's play house in my belly. But please, don't "accuse" me of trying to socialize when I am only updating you on our common tie here. You are not the man for me, I don't think you ever would be. You know what my stipulation was. Even if you went through with all of it now, while I could forgive you I'm pretty sure I'd not be able to let it go to the point where we could have a friendship...Let alone a relationship. But I want to be civil. It's what we need to be. I'm sorry that you can't, because you're seriously missing out here...I think you will regret this one day, that you allowed your feelings to get in the way of seeing your baby grow. If it were just me, I'd never talk to you again and be quite content with that...But it's not you and I anymore. Grow up. Quickly. Only a couple months left.

Aww, Vic. I lost mine in May 2 years ago, too. I named him Jordan. It just felt right to me. I know someone said they admire your ability to memoralize. I do as well. It's something that also bothers me too much to do.

I'm sitting here this morning eating a bowl of oatmeal with the fan blowing on me. It's nice this morning, 65 degrees. The kind of weather you liked. Dark, overcast, windy whipping wildly, looks like there's about to be a torrential downpour any second. It's ironic that your favorite weather would reflect your persona. Or maybe it's not. What can I say to you that hasn't already been said? There's nothing, really. Just wanted to say, I am thinking of your storm this morning.

Sorry that I told you I faked it. I really didn't.

Come on. You married her after 1 month of knowing her? Are you NUTS? Wait, yes you are. Scratch that. What could you POSSIBLY know after 1 month? I don't even have any words, but I'll wait for the crash and burn. I know it's coming.

I can't believe you're MARRIED. Married!! You!! How, huh, what? No, really. How did you manage not to intentionally sabotage this relationship like every other one you've had? Ah, shoot. I hope you're happy. I hope she's a good woman. Don't have any kids yet, ok? You can't even keep up with a dog.

This weighs heavily on my heart and mind tonight. It's weighed on me since the day it happened. Once again, I am going at it alone, without the support of my partner who helped me to create that life, even if it only existed in my womb for a short time. These 7 months have been the roughest ones I've ever been through. Far surpasses any mental anguish I experience over just being the person that I am. In so many ways, though, despite my heartache, I've been able to gather strength when I thought I had none left. As a person who deeply fears abandonment, I can't begin to express the imprint you left on my heart the day you walked out the door and never returned. I still, and always will, think of you with a sour taste in my mouth. But I wanted to thank you for leaving. If you hadn't, I wouldn't have gotten to discover how strong I am, how much I can take, how resilient I am. I would have still had to depend on myself with you by my side, because you weren't someone I could lean on when I needed to. I would have felt so much more alone, to be in your presence and know that it brings no support. To be surrounded by people and to feel alone is worse than genuinely being by yourself. Whenever I tell my story, people hug me and tell me what a strong woman I am. I always laugh a bit. I feel so weak, but in time I have stopped arguing with them. I am strong. Not happy. But strong. One day I hope to have both - Strength and contentment. My heart is too dark right now for the latter. I am bitter. I am jaded. I trust no one, sometimes I even question my own mother. But one day, I will get there, I will climb up these rungs again. Such a simplistic thing to wish for - And such a hard thing for me to strive for.

This is getting old, it's been a long time already. Why I can get past other losses and not you is beyond me. I would love to talk to you, to hear your voice again. It won't happen, and I just have to suck it up and deal, because you erased me. You just completely obliterated me from your life like I never existed. Destroyed the physical evidence and the mental and emotional, I'm sure. I don't get you. What did I do to you that made you want to do that? You claim I abandoned you, and that's BS. You're the one who kicked me out and drove me to the hotel, and told me to take the next flight home. It's like you completely rewrote history or something. And you don't even get it. The only thing you thought you did wrong was call me a name. A NAME, and not even a bad one. You apologized profusely for that, but couldn't understand that leaving me at that hotel, your eyes and voice turning icy, and shutting off your phone, not giving a damn whether I got home safe, and then blaming me for going home, hurt more than anything else. I tried, damn it. I tried. You wouldn't reason, and you made it all my fault. I DIDN'T LEAVE YOU. YOU TOLD ME TO GO. How can you get angry at me for doing what you asked? I really loved you, and I wonder at times if you ever really cared, if any part of you did, or if it was just all a lie. If I was just a rebound in a series of perpetual rebounds for whatever last loss you had to deal with, or something to fill your giant black gaping hole that never got filled by anything. Probably. Probably I meant nothing to you. Just a tool.

Aha! 5 months later, you ass. You miss me? You still love me? Oh, did you tell your girlfriend that? No? What, you feel guilty...?! Did you tell her you left when I found out I was miscarrying? I'm smiling. Not because I miss you or even like you missing me - But this is the product of stuffing down your feelings. This is what you get. This is all the justice I need. Feel it, delight in it, relish in it. I already went through this. I'm way ahead of you. Kiss my ass. Don't message me again.

You're probably the only one I am soft towards in my mind, right now. With everything that's gone on, I've tried not to keep my distance from people, but I'm doing it anyway. Trust issues are on, full force. I'm not sure how to fully let you go. I did all the right things...It's been too long already. And it's all so fresh and vivid in my mind. When I'm really down and out, I think about the good times you and I had. It makes me smile and unknits my eyebrows...Proof I'm not totally shut off, I guess. I've never in my life, opened up to anyone the way I did to you. Not before and not since. I'm not certain why you thought I was closed-off... Even though I don't trust one part of you, I'd still lay my life in your hands if it came down to that. And I would fully trust you with it. I must sound crazy for that, believe me, I think it's crazy too. I can't trust you not to shut down and run from intimacy, but I would trust you with my life. You were the closest thing I ever found to what I was searching for...Even all the irrational crap. It was bad, and I knew that but...guilty pleasures. We both fit the dysfunctional puzzle pieces...Damn, why do we have to be so screwed up? Would I still think of you to this day if it wasn't that way? Or would you just quietly fade away, in the back of my mind still like the rest, tucked away in a special spot...Jesus, you take up half the head space, and you're not even paying rent. I wish I could evict you out of there.

Ok, now I'm having a pissed off day. Who do you think you are, just waltzing off like that? You vagina. I was GOOD to you. We were doing everything we could to have a solid relationship. You used against me that which I feared. I asked for 1 thing, and that is that you be honest if you ever wanted to leave the relationship. You are so pathetic, you couldn't even handle that. Why would you be so mean by doing the one thing you know I was incredibly scared of? I didn't hurt you. I didn't rage at you. Jesus, I was the best I'd ever been. Except I really want to rage now. Why is your penis so miniscule? Wasn't that your complaint, I didn't want to have sex with you enough? Well of course I did not. You didn't want to do anything but insert, thrust, thrust. I mean that's it! That's BORING! No matter which way I tried to spice it up, you were just like "Oh, no. Eww. GROSS. Omg, disgusting." How dare you make me feel gross about my likes when your penis is the size of a pencap?! I never made you feel bad for not liking kinkier things, I just accepted you weren't that way, even though it was hard. Who are you to be calling me a freak(and not in the good way)? ERghhh...You piss me off today. And yes, I'm giving myself all the freedom to be an immature little brat by talking about your wang.

We would have been preparing for our little boy to come into the world very soon. But it was taken away, I'll never know why and just have to accept it wasn't mean to be at that time. It hurts so much tonight. I've been laying on the bed, staining the sheets with my tears and you should be here. You should have been here with me through this. I shouldn't have had to go through it by myself. You'll forget. You won't wonder what could have been because that's not in your nature. So I'll carry it. For both of us. You left it all for me, anyway.

J- The irony of the situation just...well, it cracks me up. Kind of. How is it, that I spent nearly a decade in therapy working on myself, declared 'recovered' then I meet your borderline ass? What the hell was I thinking? So basically I just exchanged one issue for another. PD for co-dependency. Nice. Yeah, you know that? I thought I could help you. I thought because I had been in your shoes, I could understand you more than anyone. And in some ways, I did. I think that's why I don't dislike you and never have, despite everything. That's why I wish you all the best. Because I want you to be happy. I'm such a stupid ass for falling for that wounded bird thing you have going on in your head. I know you're messed up. I know you're damaged. And I know I can't fix you, never could. God I hope you're alright. I hope something smacks you upside the head big time and forces you to see that you need to change. You don't deserve to live like this. You don't have to. Wasn't I proof of that? Damn it, wasn't C proof of that too? You're wicked stubborn. What makes you think you're the special case that is incapable of change? I hate not knowing if you're...If you're even alive. I can't even say that. It pains me so much....Because I know there's a very real chance that you've really gone off the deep end. I want to call your phone and see if it's on, but I can't...I can't. I'll be satisfied momentarily knowing you're ok, but it will open up a wound that just never wants to heal for me. I would hope at least that your mom would tell me. I think she would. I loved your mom, why did YOU hate her so much? Maybe because she spoke the truth...I shoulda listened...Mom knows best. It's gonna catch up to you. You told me so yourself. You warned ME. Funny. More irony. Honey, I already KNOW THAT. What kind of personal hell did you think I was living before I met you? I just hope it's the kind of catching up that doesn't destroy you but empowers you. I don't know much about the spiritual thing, but I do talk to whomever is up there and ask that they protect and guide you. You could probably care less about me...You probably still hate me. But that's ok, it doesn't matter much because we'll never see each other or speak with each other again. I just want you to be happy. I really just want you to be ok...