Cheetarah

Dear Mr. ex man, At my dismay, I've missed you here and there. I didn't think I would, but as time goes on anger fades. I can confidently say I would never take you back, and it's important that I hold onto that(and I don't see it going anywhere). I don't want to know how you are. I must admit it would bother me if you were deliriously happy after all that went down. So for the sake of my own heart and healing, I let it be. I'm not the woman for you. You're not the man for me. I could analyze it all day long but in the end, that's what it boils down to. -Me

I faked it 80% of the time.

I don't hate you. Hatred tires me, it wears me down. I'm taking a new spin this time around. No longer the eternal PESSIMIST...All these sun-shiney optimists can't be all wrong, can they? But I really don't. I'm ok. I might even say, content. I can't say I have any good wishes for you...But I don't have any bad ones, either. And that's it.

1. A year 2. 7ish weeks 3. Apparent incompatibility about key issues we were headstrong about, though I figured that out myself - tyvm ex. 4. 27

I had a dream about you today when I took a nap. It was the first one I've had. You were so gentle with me in the dream. We were lying in bed together and I was half asleep, and you were taking off my glasses like you used to, and stroking my face until I fell asleep. Was that ever real, then? You know how you observe a couple together...And you can tell by the touch it's genuine, you can see the sincerity and love in their eyes. I thought I saw that with you. I wonder if you were just in love with half of me. The half of me that experienced no problems. Because when they came, you ran. I'll never forget that. I have forgiven you, but not for you. For me, because if I hadn't I would be consumed right now. I would not be able to function. I wouldn't be eating, I wouldn't be sleeping, I wouldn't be having any kind of a pleasant time. But I had to, for me. Because I deserve more than that. And I need to be kind to myself. I deserve good things, and I'm making them happen for myself. Thank you for giving me the experience that allowed me to discover the strong woman within.

Yeah, I'm writing you to tell you your stuff is still here. You know, because I can get through and all since you blocked my emails, facebook, changed your number, and I have no clue where you are. I know you're never going to ask me for this stuff. Thing is, I don't WANT it, but I'm still holding onto it incase your impulsive self decides you want to sue me for ridding of it later. Or if your daddy tells you to do it. I would have been 12 weeks pregnant today, someone kindly reminded me. I'm finally done with getting my levels monitored and my body is returning back to 'normal'. Also, I used your picture as toilet paper today. Just saying.

Your pride and your anger were more important than anything else. You didn't stop to think at all, you just went on a raging whim. You want to prove how great daddy is? Because he's housing you now, getting to be the 'good guy'? Wait till he hits on one of your girlfriends, or forbid her CHILDREN. Is he going to be so great then, was it not enough that you know what he did? When will it ever be enough to you? When will you ever say "This is wrong!!!!!"? When will you realize that you started a family with me that was quickly lost, and THAT should have been your priority right then. Not sticking me on the bottom of the totem pole. How do you so frequently tell me I'm the best thing that's ever happened to you, and then leave me bleeding and grieving without a word, even?! A WORD?!?!?!?!?!?! You didn't even have the decency to tell me you were leaving, gone 1000 miles away. I HAD TO FIGURE IT OUT MYSELF!!!!!!!!!!! Your mother could have at least told me you were okay, I'm so angry that I worried about you and your well-being, thinking something awful happened to you. No, instead that woman treated me just like you did, lied to me and told me she didn't know if you were ok, and ignored me. She didn't have to tell me any details, she just could have told me you were safe and left it at that. You're all screwed up. Your pedophile father, your abusive mother, your sister who totally abandoned her baby. And I thought you were different. I thought your head was on straight. You asked me not to judge you for what they've done, to you, to others - But you're turning out just like them. WHY?! You had a better, bigger heart than this, I thought. Please don't be like them. You can be so much more than that. I actually feel bad for you, as angry as I feel right now. You had a really crappy life. You could do so much more, do so much better. Although I could kiss the ground in gratitude that I didn't have the life that you had. I had a rough one too, but I'm so grateful that I learned to separate right from wrong - Something you have yet to learn.

Looking at your picture makes me want to puke. I look at you and I don't even know who the hell you are or were. You don't deserve a relationship, you don't even know what life is, let alone love. The minute it starts happening to you, you run off and hide in a cave. Coward. All I ever asked of you was if you were through, to do it the right way. Man up and tell me so. But no, you couldn't handle confrontation. All you ever did was hide from it. Four broken leases, blocking your bosses and coworkers numbers when you leave a job...Not quit, LEAVE, without a warning for no good solid reason, other than being a big wimp. I said from the beginning that I didn't think you were capable of having a relationship, and I couldn't be more right. I can't wait until someone leaves you at your lowest, weakest point. I can't wait until they exploit your fears. There's clearly a reason every woman you were with cheated on you. Not that it's right to handle it in that manner at all, but guess what - Something was missing, they weren't happy, and because YOU can't handle honest communication, they got what they needed elsewhere. Plus, you totally sucked in the bedroom. I mean honestly, dude. I felt like I might as well have been wearing institutional underwear and hiding under the sheets. Open up your mind, for crying out loud. You're boring. B O R I N G. Boring. Let me spell it again incase it went over your head the first time or it was too long of a word for you to comprehend - B. O. R. I. N. G. Also, your dad is a creep. He's sick. And no matter how many times someone will tell you that, you'll never, ever get it. He'll always be your hero daddy. Get a CLUE! Everyone else has one but you. You always were pretty slow. That, or just plain stubborn, who knows. Or maybe just a creep, too. Do you know how much more MONEY I have now that you're gone? Holy crap, I can actually BUY myself something and not have to worry about you! I'm not your momma. I don't owe you anything, I didn't have to take care of you - I did it because you fell on hard times, and I loved you. But nothing was ever enough for you, selfish guy you are. You wanted more, more, more, wanted me to sacrifice everything for you. What do you have now that you're all alone, and left all your things here in one of your little temper tantrums? Hah! Is daddy gonna help you replace all that? You should consider yourself lucky that we didn't have a child, because I would be on you like flies on crap, and there is no doubt in my mind I'd make as much trouble for your father as possible if there were any chance I'd ever have to subject my child to him somehow. My poor baby. You would have split in a second if things got too overwhelming for you, and left our baby fatherless. Everyday, I wish my stomach were still growing and I had a sweet little angel growing inside of me But if I have to grieve EVERYDAY for the REST OF MY LIFE for her, I would suffer FOREVER - Rather than knowing that you would try to bring our child close to your father. Good riddance to you and your father.