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Fudgie

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Everything posted by Fudgie

  1. Fudgie
    We are always here for you, reinvent.
  2. Fudgie
    I'm so sorry, didn't mean to make you cry at work. Whether or not you try again is up to you in the future - you can have a wonderful life with or without a partner (the right partner, that is) and we will support you no matter what you choose. But right now you're hurting. And whether or not you try again in the future is irrelevant in terms of what I said: you deserve to be surrounded by people (romantic or not) who are supportive of you and you feel safe with, no one jumping down your throat, no one trying to get into your head space, no one ignoring you on an entire freaking holiday evening because you didn't jump his bones while you were drying your hair, Jesus Christ on a stick, that is making me grit my teeth. I don't know what made him so wonky but it is not your job to clean up his messes like that. To be understanding (and you were, IMO!!), yes, but you should not be policing your every move to deal with his problems. I had a "do not talk/bring up" list with my ex N and by the end of our relationship, it was very long. So many things I couldn't even mention without him saying "This upsets me! Do not bring up!" and I would mentally add it. When it gets to that point, it's on the other person to get some help. It's not your job to deal with that. "I don't know why you're messed up I don't know why your whole life is a chore Just do me a favor And check your baggage at the door" -The Offspring (from the song "She's Got Issues")
  3. Fudgie
    I'm really sorry, reinvent. I really am. I think you are right though - if this continued, you would have had to give up parts of yourself. He is a very insecure, jealous individual and you didn't feel safe telling him things, little things, and it's stuff like that that just erodes a relationship. I cringed when I read this because I see a lot of problematic things he did this past weekend that my ex N did to me sometimes: -always asking what you're thinking. More than just a "hey, you feeling okay" - but asking repeatedly to someone "what are you thinking" is a boundary violation, IMO. Someone who says it is trying to get into your head space, the one space that only you have from others, and is trying to force intimacy. It is a sign of someone who feels uncomfortable with you keeping things from them on the most basic level: thoughts. Sorry, I don't mean to sound like 1984 here but IMO, having been in a controlling situation, that was something that played out for me again and again. -using insecurities as a way to force a change in your behavior. Part of being in a relationship is compromise but it sounded like he used his insecurities as a way to say "Well, I'm feeling x way so you need to stop doing y", always. That is okay some of the time but he has a part to play too in managing is own feelings. It boils down to a sentiment that is juvenile when it is played all the time: You make me feel x, it is your fault that I feel x, you are responsible for my feelings. No responsibility there. I'm so sorry, reinvent. I feel for you, because I know you suffered in the past with your husband. You deserve someone that you can feel safe with, someone who will respect your boundaries, and not be so ridiculously insecure, blowing up your phone, etc. That is not love.
  4. Fudgie
    *hugs* we're here for you, reinvent.
  5. Fudgie
    The double standard would really bother the hell out of me. My ex N was pretty controlling at times in ways that bothered me (well, they'd bother anyone) but there were no double standards. He was cut off from his mother and such (she was physically abusive) so he wanted the same from me. Are you going to say something to him?
  6. Fudgie
    I really like hearing about partner's past relationships too. Even the details. It doesn't bother me. It's the past and all, I just find it really interesting. I think it can tell a lot about a person or at least, how they turned into the person that they are today.
  7. Fudgie
    I have Verizon and yeah, if you didn't pay for "smart blocking" or whatever, after 90 days, the blocks on numbers drop off. This has been my experience. This bothers me because this tells me one of two things. He probably has been trying to call you CONSISTENTLY since the block, maybe not frequently but consistently. Highly doubtful that he was blocked and then thought "oh okay" and didn't bother for months and then around the time the block falls off, his call goes through? I had this happen once and my dad said "It's opening a window for the first time in a while and a fly goes SHOOOMMM, flies out of there as quickly as possible. You don't think he was hitting the glass again, and again, and again until you finally opened the window? C'mon now."
  8. Fudgie
    Same. There's no way I could keep my mouth shut if I had a friend doing such destructive things in their life. It would drive me nuts.
  9. Fudgie
    That's a clever way to put it. They do sound like farts. Subwoofers - that's the word for the systems. I've seen a couple of people open their trunk and instead of having room in there, they clearly have a HUGE custom built subwoofer so they can waste their money and annoy everyone in a 100 ft radius at the same time.
  10. Fudgie
    I think you will figure things out in time, however they go. I am always worried when I give advice on this sort of stuff because as I said, I'm super sensitive to it. I know what it's like to be gas-lighted and it's horrible, never again. I still struggle from time to time from the after-effects of my relationship with N but I am getting a lot better. I totally get it. A while ago, K mentioned slight disappointment that I was missing on an event he wanted to go with me to because I was going to my family's place (understandable and okay) and I was in a bad mood and snapped at him because his innocuous comment brought me back to N always bad-mouthing my family and trying to tell me time after time not to visit them even for a few hours, that I should stay at home with him and stay put. Luckily, I realized what I did and I apologized right away. It's sort of a tricky balancing act, trying to suss out what is our s__t to deal with and what is the other person's. Sometimes it is not so clear.
  11. Fudgie
    I'm glad you came back to update us, reinvent. So are you two still an item? Or is it more of a "take as it comes" sort of thing? Just curious, it was a little unclear to me, my bad. I can relate a lot to what you say because like you, I also can be kind of aloof, detached, and hold people at arm's length. I've been with my ex N who was kind of clingy and would do the same thing as S: try to cling to me tighter and he was also pretty possessive and would get upset if I got home maybe 10 min late or wasn't home "on time" because I decided to drop by a store to buy something. In the end, it just made my fears worse and I would pull away further. Kind of like a bad feedback loop. Right now, with K, he is affectionate but not clingy. Our time together is largely in-person and we don't really text during the day or when one of us is busy. This makes me feel good, like I am not on a digital leash. I don't feel restrained or anything, that I am just with him to be with him, not because he "roped" me into it. I trust that you will do the right thing for you, reinvent. I really do. My only concern right now is that he's gaslighting you by saying "Well, I didn't say that, I said this" and making you think you misheard him and that it's really all/most of your fault. I looked back and read your previous post, about you calling him back after he called you a ton in a short amount of time and how he was miffed and you gave a BLOW by BLOW of what happened in that 40min time frame....that doesn't sound at all like a situation where someone would "playfully" ask "Are you ignoring me?" Sorry, I'm just very sensitive to all of this. My ex N accused me of some things, like ignoring him when I was really actually at work, or taking a class, or catching up with an old female friend, and he knew that I would be busy but he would bother me anyway and accuse me of not being attentive, not being a good girlfriend, ignoring him, etc. It would drive me insane and yes, in the beginning, I would feel guilty and I would sort of turn around and say "okay, a lot of this is on me, I have a lot to work on". And in reality, I did and I still do. I do think it takes 2 to tango and usually yes, it's both people have something to work on. And yes, you're the common denominator because you're with him, but that also involves him so that makes him a common denominator too. I just worry that he's pinning all/most of this on you as being your fault. I do have faith that you'll remain clear-headed though.
  12. Fudgie
    The only time I'd be okay with that kind of over-contact would be if there were a real emergency and someone was freaking out. This is madness! You don't deserve that. My ex N did the same thing and I hated it, made me feel like I was a kid on a curfew or something.
  13. Fudgie
    reinvent, Zeus is the Greek name for the Greek God (aka Jupiter in Roman terms). He was known for having loads of sex with mortals. I was making a crude reference to oral sex. It will be interesting to see if he does change his ways. I applaud you for calling him out on it with "don't be that guy!" and drawing attention to his interrogative questions.
  14. Fudgie
    I agree, now is not the time to joke. Humor is how I deal with bad things though so I am guilty of having really bad joking thoughts about things that maybe I "shouldn't" but I think it's just how I process grief and insecurity so I don't judge it anymore. In a way, you almost have to laugh. He's away on a trip and playing 20 questions? Like, really? You could go off and guzzle Zeus for all he knows and then clean up for Skype and say "Oh no, it's fine sweety. I just sat here and knitted all day long and watched the classic movie channel". My one concern for him is that his insecurity will translate to a need to control you and requesting reassurance into a bottomless pit. Being, you can play 20 questions all night, day after day, but it won't really help. It's a bandaid. Why? Because the end result is that you are going out with friends and he cannot truly monitor you.
  15. Fudgie
    I think at the end of the day, you have to do what is important to you. I believe in taking care of my body healthwise, but I don't wear make-up, I don't use a blow-dryer, etc. If I'm not at work, it's t-shirt jeans or my workout get up. K is better dressed than I am, looks pretty put together, always styles his hair in a certain way, etc. But that's HIS choice, just like it's MY choice to do what I want. I think on my last outing (weekend) I wore a Star Wars t-shirt and pulled my hair back. K has actually said to me "I think you look good without makeup and I bet you'd look good with it, just in a different way" and that's nice and all, but I'm not going to change my habits for him or ANYONE and he knows that because I said so. If you are wearing make-up or changing your clothes to suit someone - bad move. If you're forgoing make-up or clothes to suit a someone - also bad move. reinvent, I know the "look". I remember the "look" that my ex N used to give me. When I would do "verboten" things. These included: mentioning a no-no topic (my father, any mention of an ex even if it was a "Years ago, when I was with ex boyfriend, I went to a b c and I did x y z activities solo, etc), or making jokes he didn't like, or not reciprocating lots of affection, or looking at my phone at a time that he felt I shouldn't have, etc. Does S do "the look" at all? I think the fact he brings it up only when you express discomfort is key. To me, that does not say controlling. But I know that you have a past and are looking for "red flags" so to speak and are on guard. It's an awful feeling. My ex N couldn't take a lot of jokes. It bothered me. I don't like it when people can't laugh at themselves, in spite of themselves. I think the anger/inability to take a joke comes from insecurity on certain subjects.
  16. Fudgie
    I'm afraid I don't really have any advice. As you know, I was in an emotionally controlling relationship too once and yeah, it really ruined me mentally for a while. I still feel the effects. My ex N used to tell me, you don't have to wear make-up, you don't have to do x y z, and honestly, it was all well and fine. The issue is not that someone thinks that, it's what they do when you deviate from that. My relationship with N got really bad when he went from just complimenting me like that to not appeciating me when I wore something different and/or he would insist I change. I still remember wearing pajama pants (and not form fitting ones at all, they were loose (over one size too big) and comfy) and he kept saying "So and so is coming over (his friend), you don't have to wear that, you can put something else on, etc". It bugged me and I asked why and he finally said "I don't like how it makes your butt look. You need to put on something else" and he pointed to a bar of pants that were 2-3 sizes too big. That is how you can determine control. If you put make-up on and doll yourself up well really well for a date with him (in public), what does S say? If he sees you put make up on before a grocery store or seeing some friends, what does he say? If he's just saying "You don't need it" when he hears you complain, it's fine, he's just responding to your discomfort. But if you see him say it during times where he doesn't actually want you to wear it, then it could be a sign of control. The icing on the cake for me was when my ex could not, I repeat, could not handle me wearing a Renaissance costume at a Ren fair. He was there with me and dressed up too! There was some cleavage (I was in a corset) but that's typical of some Ren costumes. Again, we were side by side the whole time and no one was flirting with me or anything. It was a classic case of "You are mine and I don't want to risk anyone else seeing you as attractive even though you are with me and are not putting yourself into inappropriate positions". Gah, sorry, I get worked up. I hate the idea of him playing 20 questions with you. I had that done to me and it just makes me angry! Here's a semi-serious question, if he was about to play 20 questions with you and you said something off the wall like, "Yeah so my friends and I went out and met up with these dudes and boy, they laid some good pipe! How was your evening" How would he respond? Would he recognize that it's a joke and laugh? Would he flip out? I couldn't joke like that with N. Nowadays, if K is coming by and calls me on his way there, I'll say "Whew I'm so glad you called, I have time to get the other gentleman out of here" and he laughs.
  17. Fudgie
    My brother is definitely in his "teenage" phase. He is at school - Phd program for math (his interest and passion) and they give him a place to live and a stipend so he never has to worry about shelter/food. But he's getting into the "My parents suck" phase for sure. A lot of autistic individuals go through adolescence at an advanced age. I am wondering if you made the threat "If you don't go to school or go to this program or try out volunteering by x date, you're out of the house" would push him to do something. He'd probably throw a fit and give you pushback but would he eventually, grugingly, do something afterward?
  18. Fudgie
    Do you think he would actually leave and be begging? Because I'd think he would be upset and would break down but leaving home on his own would be a monumental change of routine on a huge scale that is scary for people who don't even have autism. I'm not saying you should toss him on the street. But if he knows that staying home is always an option if he does nothing, then where is the incentive to change? At the end of the day, we all have to do something, autism or not. My sister works but if she didn't, she would qualify for disability. I would still make her go out and volunteer or something for that socialization and stimulation. We all need that. If he feels that he doesn't have to do that, then he won't. Slightly off topic, but what do you do when he has meltdowns? I'm just curious. My sister has them on rare occasions now. Even if it's in public, I tell her that I will talk to her again when she has calmed down and then stand by and keep myself occupied (maybe look at my phone) as she calms down and can communicate again.
  19. Fudgie
    Would he benefit from a program like Project Search? (They have Canadian sites too) My sister went through it and it helped her SO much, not just in terms of job seeking and social skills, but it boosted her confidence too. And it helped her land the job she has today. For her, my parents always made it very clear: you have to work. If you don't, you can't live here. People here either need to work, go to school, or volunteer. No other option - you HAVE to do something. Doesn't have to make a lot, if anything, but it has to be SOMETHING. So she learned that and she works - doesn't always like it but that's how it is because she knows that she has to. I know someday when I'm overseeing her, if she lost her job, I'd help her get a new one but in the meantime, she would be volunteering. She can't sit at home. Increased socialization has helped her a lot and with her speech too. Volunteering may be a good option in the meantime. I am not sure what opportunities you have available. I volunteered regularly in a soup kitchen when I was in HS in the summers because it was something to do and spent most of my time chopping things up, arranging trays, or making coffee for the folks waiting. I think he will have a fit regardless because it breaks his routine but he may ultimately push through if you are willing to stand your ground and make it known to him that he doesn't have a choice - he must do something. Take away internet/cards if you want. My sister understands now that there are some unpleasant things in life but sometimes you have to push through and do them in order to enjoy the good parts.
  20. Fudgie
    I am confused - why is S offended that his friend greets people (you) by a peck on the lips? Isn't he aware that for people in certain countries this may be considered a warm and customary greeting between a man and a woman, regardless if they are dating or not? I don't greet people that way and I'll be honest, being American with my huuuuuge personal bubble space, I feel uncomfortable when men have greeted me this way (in a gathering setting, and it's how they and their family members greet people) but I smile and bear it because it's not a big deal, just different. He should NOT be blaming you or anyone for that. You were being greeted. If you are uncomfortable, it's on you to speak up but you shouldn't have to do that either if you're okay with it. It's just a greeting that is not the norm in the US. Sorry, I am sensitive on this topic. N used to get angry at me if men flirted with me. AT ME. Like it was my fault, even though he could see the whole interaction and see that I was not receptive and walked away. I get so angry when I hear about people blaming others for things that are out of their control entirely.
  21. Fudgie
    I am like you, I can't be with someone who I have to "censor" myself with in a relationship. Outside of obvious things of course, and I am not a verbally abusive person to my loved ones, but I don't like people who can't talk about x, y, z without getting offended or can't take a joke. My ex N was a little like that. I had a "list" of things that I wasn't allowed to bring up or do in front of him, like watch certain TV shows when he was near, not because he disliked them, but because they "triggered" something in him and he would blow up at me. He hated when I watched shows like The Bachelor because he thought I was having romantic fantasies about the guy on there. At this point in my life, I won't even be friends with someone who is excessively "emotionally trigger-y". I have better things to do with my time than to tip toe slowly around someone because they can't deal with life and will get offended/upset over everything. It's just not for me. I think trigger-y people do well with other trigger-y people so they can tip toe around each other and get offended together so the rest of us sane people can be left in peace. I don't really have any advice for you other than I think it's good that you told him straight up. If he has a problem with you or something that you've said, he needs to bring it up and you'll deal with it then. Don't let him passively aggressively bring things up that are old and dealt with to make you feel bad/guilty. That is utter crap. If that happens, be direct and draw the line in the sand.
  22. Fudgie
    I really don't like the "winning" and "losing" perspective he has when it comes to arguments. Also, is it just me, or does he seem to be a little bit sensitive? Do you feel that you need to tiptoe around certain subjects? I don't know if it's just you or not but I've noticed lots of people have a winning/losing perspective when it comes to arguments. I do when it comes to things outside of a relationship. In a relationship, I just want to let things be and if I don't like something, then don't include me and let me be.
  23. Fudgie
    People who have Aspergers have a lot of difficulty with social skills and just interacting with people in general. Simple "social awkwardness" does not qualify as Aspergers. People with it have to be taught social skills, they don't pick them up naturally like you and I might. They also struggle with nonverbal communication, seeing when someone is "sad" without being told so explicitly, and understanding social cues. They have to be taught how to have a conversation, how to start one, continue one, end one, how to recognize emotions in others, socially acceptable things to do or say, etc. People with Aspergers also tend to have very restricted interests and activities. They are also prone to anxiety and many are dx with ADHD as well.
  24. Fudgie
    I really hate it when coverage maps are inaccurate. Don't tell me there is going to be 4G all over my hometown and then when I get here, you only give me EDGE (2G). That is utter bullock. Sent from my iPad using Tapatalk
  25. Fudgie
    If I knew me sharing my experience with autism wasn't going to be welcomed (as well as jigs), I wouldn't have come here. Sorry to bother you on your journal. I won't be back to bother you. Good luck with everything.
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