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Everything posted by Fudgie

  1. Admittedly, it's a bit of a hot topic for me. I am female and I had to push hard to get sterilized in my mid 20s. I was sick of being on hormones. I am now in my early 30s and I have no regrets but it honestly really bothers me when I hear of stories of men who also don't want children but are a bit more cavalier with birth control, or saying things like "leaving it up to the woman" and then are surprised when a baby is made. It really boggles my mind. I can't imagine being in their shoes and all it takes is one screw up, one sperm, and BAM, that's it. Now he's an unwilling father, not good for him or the kid, really. I'm sorry my post triggered you but given what you said re: ex wife and pitbull lawyers, it makes sense. I take more of a "direct" approach on this topic, to be blunt and to let them know of what can happen, because it has happened to many guys. There are other options, sure, but if a guy is serious about it and he's a little older, it makes no sense not to make it permanent and fool-proof. That's always been my stance. It also helps out weed out people who are not a good fit. Women who want children won't stick around with a guy who is snipped because it's a dead end: can't change his mind, can't sabotage birth control, etc. Just my take.
  2. I wish OP would come back and clarify because when I read "32" and "I don't want kids", I take that to mean "I don't want them ever" as people around that age will usually stipulate "well I want them someday". I could be wrong but that's how I took it. Maybe OP will change his mind, maybe not. That said, if he is serious about staying this way, then I do think it's prudent because as a man, he cannot control what a woman does with a pregnancy. It's foolish, IMO, to leave that door open if you yourself are certain that you're not going to use it. Way too many "oops" out there.
  3. With all due respect, when you air your problems on an anon internet forum, looking for advice, people are going to give you advice on multiple aspects of your situation, including the potential for it to happen again in the future. OP is free to ignore what I or what anyone wrote if he disagrees but that's up to him. He's a guy in his 30s who doesn't want to have kids. The obvious answer is to break up and that's always my answer in these situations because it's a topic you can't compromise on. So what's going to happen when he dates the next girl? Okay, same thing. How can he avoid the same situation in the future? Get snipped and tell the women from the start. Frankly, he and other men in his position are playing with fire if they don't want to be fathers and are going to rely on the woman for birth control only.
  4. Just because someone goes to therapy doesn't mean that they will actually improve or not re-offend. That's not really the fault of the therapist but it has to do with the patient. Sure, so he's going to therapy, big deal - he can still lie to the therapist or downplay and continue his denials and rationalizations about the situation. You don't even know if he would tell the therapist what really happened. Regardless of what happens with him, be ready to wash your hands of him. This is not your circus, not your monkeys. His recovery is not your responsibility and if he is going to re-offend, then he will and there is nothing you will be able to do about it so there's no point in worrying more. You did the right thing in encouraging him to see someone - up to him if he utilizes that resource appropriately. You did all you can do.
  5. I work full time and I also am in graduate school. Frankly, I don't have time for a full-fledged relationship. I mean, I suppose I COULD but I do value the leisure time I do have and I don't want to fill that time with other things. Most people in my position have families and such, but I know their family life sort of takes a back seat OR they are able to lean on their spouse financially and go part time or less. I live alone so not an option for me. For me, and this is just me, but I looove my leisure time so 2/3 is doable but not a total of 3. If I had to do all 3, something is taking a backseat. Something has got to give. Work/School, Work/Relationship, School/Relationship Again, your mileage may vary. I treasure my leisure time/seeing family and getting 8+ hours of shuteye every night. As you get older, you will learn your limits and what you want out of life. Yes, you could schedule your time, being superwoman and working 50+ hours a week, have a husband, 1.5 children, plus a social life, plus volunteer, plus seeing your other family members, plus hobbies... Some people can do that and be happy but not me. Could I do it? Sure. Would I want to off myself within 6 months? Probably. Figure out what you want and need in your life to be happy and to take care of your own needs and then be mindful of how much you take on as you get older, taking into account the benefits and the costs.
  6. PeaSoup, At the end of the day, the relationship is over for you. Maybe he was abused, ok, let's assume that he was - that doesn't make it okay. Same thing with remorse. Remorse doesn't excuse what happened, it's only a part of the beginning of moving forward with one's life into recovery. What bothers me about this is that he did it multiple times yet states that he doesn't know why he did it and that he doesn't know where he got the idea to threaten her. There's a lot of denial going on with him. He needs professional help and I'm doubtful he's going to get it in a real capacity. He is saddled with some terrible, horrific stuff, some of it is his doing, some of it is not. When you are yoked to him in a relationship, then in some ways, his s__t becomes your s__t simply because you are yoked together in this relationship. And what he is bringing forward is TERRIBLE and affecting you negatively so much already. Just because you're in a relationship with someone doesn't mean that you have sworn a lifetime oath to stay with that person no matter what, even if it kills you. You are well within your right to look at a situation, even a marriage, and say "yeah, you know what, things have changed in a way that makes this relationship unhealthy for me and not possible to continue and I need to walk away." Alleviate yourself of that guilt and walk away, if for no other reason than your own mental and emotional wellbeing. This is far beyond what you are comfortable and can handle and that's okay but that means you need to recognize that and get yourself out promptly. No more perseverating about the situation. You can dissect it all you want and go through the details in your head but at the end of the day, it's still a load of s__t and your hands are going to smell and you'll be unhappy. So take a shower of this and call your parents. Meet up and ask them to help you wash this man out of your life so you can find something healthier for you.
  7. It's not irrelevant at all. If OP definitely does not want kids at all, then it is in his better interests to get a vasectomy so that no "oops" pregnancies can happen, especially with girlfriends that may have other motives.
  8. Go to your parents and tell them what happened. Tell them you need their help to get out of this situation and relationship. You're their daughter and they love you; they will help you. But talk to them ASAP, go to them in person and let it all out and tell them what you need in order to get out quickly and safely.
  9. Do you feel that he feels remorse for this? It doesn't really sound like it, to me, from what you've written. I suppose in your shoes, I'd feel a little differently if it were clear that he tried once then was immediately repulsed/disgusted with himself, deeply regretted it, was truly ashamed, and had been seeking help for a while, long before even meeting you or mentioning it to you. 12/13 is old enough to know better also still quite young and it's possible that he was abused - who knows. But that's not the case here. What raises my eyebrows and would make me walk away, full stop, is that he did it more than once, threatened her to keep quiet, and admits he justified it to himself. Does he still justify it? Did he talk about it like she was willing? That coupled with the past lying (about past cheating and lying about getting a STD test) all point to him being someone that you need to stay away from. I think that seeing a therapist/psychologist is a wonderful idea.
  10. Thread states: "My boyfriend is mad that I crave ice-cream most days" Reality: "My boyfriend is mad that I ask him to get me ice-cream almost everyday, utilizing his time and money and treating him like a servant." It's not really fair. What is he getting out of it? You say that you'd gladly get your partner ice cream almost everyday if they want it but saying that is easy, doing that is another thing. Unless you two had an agreement or some thing to make it fair, you may well end up feeling resentful too.
  11. She wants kids, you do not. Why are you leaving this up to her? I'll tell you what will happen if you "leave it up to her". You will end up fathering a child, like it or not. You are a man and as soon as pregnancy happens, you have no control. You can't give up your parental rights, you can't force her to abort, etc. It is in your better interests to take your own birth control in your hands. If you leave it to someone else, YOU WILL HAVE A CHILD. My advice is to leave her. Stop giving her time to conoct some semblance of a reason for you two to continue this. She can always lie and say that she "sees the light" and doesn't want kids, and then she "forgets" her pill and you're screwed. Get a vasectomy so this doesn't have to be as much of a worry for you in the future. It will also repell women that want kids once they hear you're snipped and trust me, you want to do that. I'm in my early 30s and am surgically sterile so I'm walking the talk.
  12. If it sounds like a duck, and it looks like a duck, and it walks like a duck.... I know I'm going to get pounced on this but it sounds like you know the truth and know what you have to do. I would personally get a hold of his phone covertly, take some screenshots that prove what he was doing and send them to yourself so you have proof and can show people what's going on. Also, if the police have to get involved, that's futher proof. I'm not sure what is not right here but it's pretty clear that it's him who is doing all of this.
  13. I get "Whiffs" here and there of smells. I think I just have a lot of inflammation but I'm pretty confident it will come back and I don't think it will take quite as long. I have already started "smell training". Definitely getting the booster is a good idea. I don't regret getting mine, although I ended up getting infected before it took effect. Planning a trip to Canada in later November. I think I should test negative by then.
  14. If conventional beauty and attraction was the primary, main factor in dating, then barely anyone above the age of 50 would be getting laid. It really does take all types and physical attraction isn't everything. It also is augmented big time by emotional connection. When you care about someone and respect them, you feel more attracted to them on a physical level.
  15. Pretty good. I had a monoclonal antibody infusion. No fevers, no respiratory symptoms, no more chills, and no headaches. Smell is still gone but I get "whiffs" here and there. I am confident it will come back with time. I have some residual fatigue but not much. Gets better everyday.
  16. Honestly, that would make me really annoyed too. It's kind of disrespectful. If you're going to go into another country, it's only the right thing to do to bone up on some basic information re: the laws. I carry pepper spray and a large knife in my car when I am home in the US. I've had people approach my car and bang on the window before. I haven't had to spray anyone - yet, but displaying them cannister with my finger on the button makes people back away from my car, as they should! I also have some sterile, wrapped needles in my glove compartment - I bought these legally at a pharmacy, no script needed. I go to Canada quite often and I have a little "check-list" I go through before I go over the border. I leave the mace and large knife at home. I also take Canada-accepted proof of my auto insurance, should I get into an accident. The only other knife I have is a small pocket knife (it's quite small) so I always keep that in my bag. Don't get me wrong, I like guns and now am a registered gun owner but I think it's the height of self-centeredness for me to assume that everyone else/ every other country is the same way. Just because we share a land border, that doesn't really mean anything. I miss Canada. I was planning to go over but had to cancel my trip due to my breakthrough infection. I am hoping to go over in the future, when I'm better and I test negative. I'll be over there soon enough. Canada is my "back up" plan. I would not want to work in Canada as I stand to make a LOT more in the US but if the worst happen, I would move, live with Canadian family, and apply for citizenship. I'd rather commute over the border for work.
  17. What are you getting out of this relationship, exactly? And why would you want to entangle yourself further? Okay, so the oldest is a nightmare and even if you slog through the 9 months of waiting impatiently for her to leave, that doesn't mean she's gone for good. You will have to deal with her, and the other teenagers, frequently and also for anything else that crops up. Holidays, etc. What if she came on financial hard times and had to move in for the forseeable future? Or, worst yet, what if she falls pregnant and then has to move back home - looks like it's sleepless nights for you, step-grandma. Don't think for a second that you won't be expected to pick up the slack because if you don't, the daughter will whine about you and manipulate your partner like she does now. If you marry this man, then his responsibilities (the teenagers, and even into their adulthood) are now also shouldered by you. Your incomes will be joint and you will have to pay into the expenses in the future, whatever they are. Your house could very well become their house as well and there is nothing you can do or say about that. Think about what you're signing up for here because when you marry a partner with kids, this is what happens. Package deal. Think carefully before you sign your singlehood away.
  18. You're being an AH but not to him - to your unborn child, the child you wish to have in the future. This guy has cheated on you, has made no moves to improving the relationship or committing to you, and he doesn't share your long term goals either. Why on earth would you even consider having a child with this man? He's not going to be a father figure to the kid and you'll be lucky if he even pays CS, from the way it sounds like. How is that fair to the child? Would you rather try to have a good, solid relationship and give your future child the benefit of having a present, active father and being able to model a good relationship to your child? That's so important. Please don't make the oft-committed mistake of thinking "Oh he'll see that baby and he will come round". No, he won't and there is a glut of both anecdotal and statistical evidence that supports this. People don't magically change for babies and it's fairytale thinking to assume otherwise. Millions of children are born into crappy situations and many of them are here due to that thinking. You and your child deserve better. By all means, go off birth control, give yourself a break. But also break up with him and stop having sex with him or anyone else for a while as you sort things out and figure out why you are settling for so little in your love life, why you would not only stay with a man who cheats but actually consider getting impregnated by the same man. Life doesn't have to be this way. Millions of people live cruddy, hard lives but that doesn't mean you have to. Demand more, do better.
  19. You're right. I need to put it out of my head. I talked to a couple coworkers who told me that all of the patients were fine from a covid standpoint, no symptoms at all. The REALLY sick ones were not there when I was there, they were in the hospital. I am hoping to get some antibodies tomorrow. Can't stand these chills. Otherwise, I'm pretty good. No fatigue, no respiratory issues, not even a sore throat. No sense of smell is really messing with me baldy, in a psychological sense. I keep trying to tell myself it will eventually go away but it's freaking me out.
  20. I always, always lose my sense of taste/smell when I have a cold. I'm also stuffy as all hell so that doesn't help. Who knows. I'm hoping it will come back. I'm going to have a mental breakdown if I can't smell ever again. I feel so, so, so bad. I would never tell anyone to work while sick. It was just such a stupid thing. If I hadn't gotten the booster, there's no way in hell I would have gone in with headache/chills. But again, we were so short-staffed, I couldn't do that to them, we've had so many people call out, both sick and not. My boss was fine with it too because I tested recently and we had been getting the results back quickly and the lab had a backlog and just never did anything or told anyone - I was positive and worked nearly the whole weekend. I am terrified I gave it to a particular patient, who is too young to be vaccinated. She's really sweet. I wore my PPE. If she gets it I'm never going to forgive myself.
  21. Unfortunately, I got the results back, although much too late - I am indeed positive via PCR test. How did it take you to regain your sense of taste/smell? I don't have the fatigue. I have body aches, chills, low fever, and a cruddy headache. Oh, and congestion. nothing else. no cough, no short of breath, nothing. I'm not upset about having COVID as I am upset that I worked with symptoms in a highly fragile patient population. I had just gotten my booster! My symptoms were in line with the booster shot. We are so short-staffed and we were all desparate. I wore my mask. My boss knew, everyone knew, I knew., but again, we all thought it was the booster..I tested ASAP and for some reason, it took days to come back. I'm being eaten alive with guilt now.
  22. Long time since I've checked out this thread. It's good to see everyone active on here still. I got my booster (3rd!) shot of Pfizer and it's honestly knocked me on my rump. I think I'm having side effects PLUS I highly suspect I caught a known illness from a patient at work. I've been feverish for days now. Work has been so short but I knew I didn't have covid (tested Saturday) that I went in for a partial day to help out. Doing a half day messed me up. I came back and have had a consistent fever of 101 despite taking meds. My head is killing me and I have chills and my whole body hurts. My sinuses are full of mucus and I lost my sense of taste and smell today. I know I'm being paranoid but I booked another test this afternoon in the drive-thru. I highly, highly doubt it will be positive considering I started getting sick Friday and tested the next day but still, I can't help but worry.
  23. Yep, fair enough. Honestly, even if she were his wife - she can't really "make" him anyway. If someone doesn't want to use a mask, then it won't happen, regardless of who is badgering that person, wife or not. What is a wife going to do, threaten divorce? Abstain from sex? Write a nasty note? It's pointless if he doesn't care. OP, I have been with a guy who had bad health issues who couldn't be bothered even when those issues impacted the relationship. It affected our sex life and our finances through medical bills. He didn't care to change so I left. If your guy doesn't care, you can't get him to care, so now what?
  24. PUT YO HAND IN THE AIR LIKE YOU JUST DON'T CARE Congrats to you and the wife, man. 🙂 How exciting!
  25. Pardon my unsolicited advice - I have slept with 2 partners who were current, compliant CPAP users. Can you tell I like older men? 🤣 Anyway, the noise varies by the model. One partner had an "older" CPAP machine, sounded like Darth Vader was in the room with us, take that as you will. The other partner had a "newer" CPAP machine, definitely made post 2015, a nicer model, ResMed all that. Absolutely whisper quiet, quieter than your typical A/C actually. Both partners used facial masks with their CPAPs. As a healthcare worker, I can tell you that the newer ones are super, super, duper quiet. They have improved so much. Not all snorers have sleep apnea but it is definitely a potential warning sign. My dad snores horribly but he has been checked out - no apnea, so that's good. Chronic, untreated sleep apnea can cause a host of issues for people.
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