Fudgie

I want to leave this page here and urge people to read. Written in 2011 and I still think about this post: https://therumpus.net/2011/04/21/dear-sugar-the-rumpus-advice-column-71-the-ghost-ship-that-didnt-carry-us/ I spent some time just now reading my "old stuff" on ENA. In some ways, I've changed a lot (I joined this site when I was in my late teens! Now I'm mid 30s) but in same ways, I haven't. Interests largely remain the same, long-term goals as well, but my perspective is radically different. Reading about the trials and tribulations of my last relationships, the struggles I went through, the things I really tried to understand or wrap my head around, the affection I felt towards these men. I can recognize the woman who wrote those lines but I don't recognize the world she hails from, the place that she describes in her words. I won't lie, there's a part of me that still wonders about that ghost ship. I want to love and be loved but also to be free in every sense of the word and to be in control. I went with what I could live with, hence I am here, 5+ years and counting singlehood. I can take the loneliness but I can't take sharing the reins in my life and I know myself well enough to know that no amount of therapy (yes, I still go) is going to change that. Either path we choose, there are things that we gain and things that we lose. I salute my ghost ship and I wonder if she feels the occasional pang I like I do and, knowing her, I know she does.

Lo! How have you been?? How are the kids and the husband? Was back for a smidge, now back for another smidge! Life is good. It's busy, but good. I really have tossed myself into my career, my work. I truly didn't understand, before I went into this field, just HOW mentally and emotionally taxing this job can be. Most of my patients are very sick, chronically ill, even with many medications and taking them on time, many still have some degree of hallucinations that will never go away after years of relapses and illness. Loads of trauma, getting to hear the worst stories and then listening to patients re-live them, again and again. Some live in special housing, just for those with mental illness. Sometimes, I feel like a chew toy when I come home, internally that is. Takes me some time to wash and iron myself out again. But each day, I feel so motivated to go back in and do it again. My caseload is growing. I have developed good, therapeutic relationships with my patients, even the "difficult" ones. I work hard to do my research, keep up on pharmacology, to find them the medications that work best for them, together, so that they can feel better. It is a driving force for me and it hits upon something primal, almost spiritual, for me. This is some of the most important, gratifying work I have ever done - to work hard to do my best for my patients, to advocate for them in this s___ system we have for healthcare. Don't get me wrong, I don't think I'm saving the world or anything (I'm totally not) and I'm certainly not changing this awful system but if I can make my patients' lives better, more livable, more able to engage and do things that they enjoy (even if those are things that I do not enjoy!) then I am happy and damn, does it feel good. The house is going well! I have switched around my art a few times. I have filled most of the wall space. I've done a fairly good job at keeping things neat, although in my bedroom and "woman cave", I am way more lax. I finally have a good gaming PC setup, something I've always wanted for many years. Next up: I want to get a contractor to redo my tub upstairs, put in something with some jets and a warmer, it's a huge bathroom, I have the space. I want something I can slide into with a glass of wine. Recently, I installed ethernet backhaul (yes, I ran and secured the cables) - did a lot of it through the basement, securing to ceiling there, then ran it along (not in) my HVAC ducts. I walk more, listen to more audiobooks, got back into crocheting (I have some projects I'm working on), got back into some older academic interests here and there, started going back to the local library, walking of course. I really need to socialize more but it's so hard sometimes, just like coming back to my place, truly my safe space, my home. I've never felt this attached to a place before, because I have not owned property before now.

How goes it with the metformin? I take 2000 mg per day myself (total, it's two doses of 1000 mg) and my labs are great, no diabetes or pre-diabetes here.

I hope you are well as well, and staying warm during this cold snap. 🥶 The gastro effects usually go away for people with time, I know they did for me, but it can take a while. I take 1000 mg twice a day, once in the morning and then right before bed. Low carb is the way to go to keep the gasteo effects away when you're on metformin long time, and of course by low carb, I'm meaning more avoiding excessive simple and/or processed sugars. Love me my fruits and vegetables. I truly do feel better on it and over time, it really has helped me wean down my A1C to the 5s so I am happy. 🙂

Seraphim, it's good to see you. I can't give medical advice but I just wanted to add, I am not diabetic and I have taken metformin for years. I have a hormonal disorder that gives me a 50% chance of developing Type 2 diabetes. My numbers are great (last A1C was 5.3).and through a combination of weight loss/maintaining, ok diet, and metformin (twice daily dosing), I am not only not pre-diabetic anymore, but I am in good shape. I'll never stop taking this drug, I swear by it and as do other people in my family. Invokana makes you urinate out sugar, reducing your blood sugar. Risk of yeast infection and BV, with sugary pee. No harm in taking some time to think about it.

In the US, alcohol sales EXPLODED during the pandemic. As you said, people were just trying to cope. I think there was a lot of self-medication going on. My understanding is that that they still remain high. I know for me, my alcohol consumption increased during the pandemic and it remains higher than it was. I used to drink about every other week, max. Now I drink about 1-2x a week, usually only one at a time. Not unhealthy but still, makes you go "hmm". I also went up on my antidepressants during the pandemic and I don't think I will be able to go down on those. Working in healthcare (critical care) during the pandemic, while being completely physically isolated from my family/friends (I live alone) for almost a year kind of wrecked me physiologically. How I managed to lose weight I don't know. But I consider myself lucky overall.

Lo, Yes, I definitely feel very snug! I still have some things I'm working on but they are coming along. 85% of my art is hung on the wall, I am fully ready for winter, HVAC is all upgraded. I am getting the last part of my roof ventilation done in a couple months and then I don't anticipate doing anything until spring next year. I hope to build my savings more. Luckily, cooling / heating this house doesn't cost much. Next year, I may try to get the stove/oven upgraded. I hate the one that came with the house and it's partially broken. I want to get a nice, solid one (bells and whistles not needed) and have it on the gas line. How is your house coming along? What are you working on now? In my job, I have a massive office all to myself (YAY). I am in the process of decorating THAT, right now all I have are my professional and academic credentials on the wall.

Wow, it's been about a month since I checked in. Loving my new job and my house as well. I feel like I really have it made. I can't complain. Maybe it's part of getting older but I feel like I could just "stay" here? In terms of income, I have secured the pay I wanted for myself, with TONS of room to go up, good work/life balance. I feel that urge to settle down (not in terms of a partner) and just enjoy myself...family, hobbies, material pleasures, etc. I don't want to run the rat race and I'm okay with not striving for something higher.

I see people post a lot of crazy stuff but then again, a lot of it seems to be "friends only" so maybe they are trusting that the boss won't see it, especially if they don't friend anyone that they know at work? Still risky, I know, but less so. Full disclosure, it would depend on my job. Maybe if I worked a call center type job, one in which I followed scripts and I felt like I could do it brain dead, and if having a drink wouldn't interfere, then maybe I would, sure. However, while I can do current job remotely, there's no way in hell I'd use mind altering substances because I'm taking care of patients. Risky and not right, ethically speaking.

I think talking to him is a good idea, just to get his perspective. That said, I'd like to share mine. I'm a meat-eater and I hunt in a couple different seasons (deer, different kids of birds) throughout the year. I eat what I cook and I enjoy hunting. Venison is delicious - I certainly hope he ate the deer or at least gave it to a family who would enjoy it. I think it's wasteful (and wrong) to hunt for sport without eating it but that's me. When I say I "enjoy" it, as he may, I imagine he and I may view it in a similar way. I don't mean enjoy in a "oh boy I have a BLOOD LUST" way. It's more sporting and the ending for the animal is, ideally, quick and rather painless (I don't trap or use arrows). Most of hunting is walking or sitting in nature. You become one with nature and use many of your senses. Getting that animal, there is a sort of a "rush", like "whoa, I just conquered nature, apex predator!" and with that, I feeling of accomplishment...being able to handle a weapon, then be in nature, spot the prey, use the weapon effectively, and then BAM, that's it. And then you get a fresh, tasty meal (or more) out of it. I ask you to consider this: for the animal which is worse? Being raised on a farm its whole life, crammed in with other animals in poor, squalid conditions before being sent to the slaughter house and then to the grocey store? Or living in the wild, a natural lifespan with natural food and habitats, and then having its life ended very quickly, perhaps painlessly, before being processed? For me, and other hunters I know, hunting is about being part of nature and getting your meat in a way that is humane, inexpensive, healthy, and natural. There's also a lot of skill involved and it takes a LOT of patience too. I hope my perspective could shed some light on this. I do think you should talk to your friend and try to keep an open mind, knowing that you may not agree (and that's okay) but that doesn't make your friend a BAD person.

catfeeder makes a good point - mania feels good, mood stabilizers / antipsychotics tend to not feel good. People on them report feeling subdued, "zombie-like", and not themselves at all. They often report feeling like their personality is just "dead" and it depresses them. Let's not even talk about the metabolic effects too, many have a lot of weight gain! Getting treatment for bipolar is necessary but also very difficult. I can't say that I would be completely compliant with treatment if I experienced what they did. I truly believe that if the side effects of the medications weren't so terrible, bipolar would be a LOT easier to treat. I'm hopeful that someday, things will improve in terms of treatment so that patients with bipolar can be treated well without feeling like a chunk of their personality is being subdued. In the meantime, it is up to your friend and what he wants to do. There may come a time where he hits "rock bottom" and decides to get treatment and deal with the bad side effects in exchange for mood and life stability. Or that day may not come. I don't know. But you have to look out for your own mental health. It is up to you if you want to leave the door open or check in sometime in the future to see if things have changed for him.

Agree with others. I would duck his calls and if pressed, tell him that life is busy for you right now, you can't meet up. I have a good friend who has bipolar disorder but she is treated and is doing well. I have had to cut off a different friend in the past who become erratic and toxic. She also had bipolar but she was refusing all treatment and smoking weed, which made her worse. I cut her out of my life years ago and I have no regrets. I totally get it. Listen to you gut and let this friendship fade so it isn't a toll on you. I don't feel anything would come from being frank with him. Doesn't sound like he's in a place to hear. Time may pass, he may get help in the future, and reach out to you with an apology and such. So maybe it can be mended at that time, maybe not. But he has to get help first on his own.

I was going to ask, boltnrun - did your mom think that tampons took virginity or something? Some people do actually believe that. I got my period at 11 too. I wore pads for a short bit, but soon switched to tampons. My mom was encouraging but VERY worried about toxic shock syndrome so she was always reminding me to remember to change them (I always did, never an issue, she just worried!) I have a couple more decades of periods left (blah) but now I no longer use pads or tampons. I use "soft cup" discs. They are disposable but I use one per cycle, empty/rinse as needed, and then toss. 1 box lasts me 1 year. I swear, if this company ever goes belly up, I'm going to go out and buy like 20 boxes to last me the rest of my life. I won't use anything else.

I am so, so happy for you. Now he will have these resources for life! I can't imagine the huge weight that has been lifted from your shoulders.

Like you, I lost my virginity in my freshman year of college. I had wanted to have sex earlier but I was terrified of getting pregnant/needing to get an abortion and I liked older guys so I waited until I was "of legal age" to find an older boyfriend and get busy. I was 18 (almost 19) and my boyfriend at the time was 33. Chubby, nerdy IT guy. Good times, glad I lost it to him in the end. I had a break from school and he from work so we basically didn't leave the bed for 3 days except to eat and use the toilet. He took his time with me and was focused on my pleasure. Sex in a car is alright if you have foldable seats in the back that go flat (my car!) but in the back of a bug? Oh man, you both must have been sore the next day.

Hey everyone. Been a long time since I posted, just wanted to say hello. Things are continuing to go well, still decorating/doing stuff with my house. It's a real "bachelorette pad" if I do say so myself. 2 livings room - one dedicated to TV/video games/electronics and the other one all about quiet comfort (read: awesome sectional) with good music system, with art EVERYWHERE? Hell yeah. I'll post more later. I'm donning my straw hat and I'm going to go look at local garage sales. Wish me luck.

I didn't go into it in my first post (and I stated as such) but since you're asking, I'll give my thoughts on this. It's something I've been thinking about for quite a while anyways. I think there has been a "perfect storm" of factors that has given rise to more single/lonely men, some of these factors are newer, some are long-standing. But all together, they definitely contribute to a current imbalance in society when it comes to dating. 1.) Change in gender roles/expectations. Batya is right, this is nothing new. Women have been part of the workforce for many, many years now. However, I think the slow but monumental shift away from men being the sole providers is still quite important because it used to be that in order to have a decent quality of life, as a woman, you had to get hitched. Women couldn't own property, hold individual bank accounts, vote, etc. Now, many women do not need a partner to get by financially. Here is some research that shows that millenial women have more pay parity and are MORE educated than their male peers. Not all of these women will not be happy to be single but some of them well (as is their choice/right). And some of these women may have short term relationships/flings only...which brings me to my next point... 2.) Sexual liberation With birth control and the like, casual sex is a lot less "risky" (note, I didn't say no risk, just less) compared to many years past. So naturally, there is more promiscuity for some people to much decreased risk/more societal acceptance. While I am not into casual sex, I pesonally see this as a good thing because someone (man or woman) who wouldn't be happy in monogamy is now free to have their sex fix through non-traditional means, rather than be "stuck" in a relationship that isn't right for them and not fair to the monogamous partner. However, yes, it means that more men and women can opt for flings/casual sex whenever they want, as a relationship/marriage is no longer "required" for sex. 3.) Online Dating I've already talked about this before - refer to my first post in this thread. Online dating gives the illusion of an endless "buffet" of suitors, and these sites often have more men than women on them. Now, it is hard for both sexes to find decent relationships but it's infinitely easier for women to get easy, NSA sex. Give me 10 min tops with an internet connection and I can get laid. Not a relationship, just laid. I don't think anyone here is denying that. Of course it's a woman's market. This has been stated multiple times by other people including myself. Did you read the article? I have. In no part does it say that it's mathematically impossible. Just difficult. The article does not go into the reasons for the disparity (but I did, see above) but it does give some possible suggestions on how to help yourself in this regard. I think overall, society needs to change how we raise both our boys and our girls. The article is right: many adult men can be emotionally stunted and have deficits in their abilities to communicate and such. But I don't blame men themselves, more society. How many people have grown up with "men don't cry" and being force fed ideals like *pound chest* MEN STRONG, MEN PROUD PROVIDER *grunt*. Men are still, unfortunately, brought up in many cases being told "Be good, go to school, work hard, get a good job, and you'll find someone and provide for someone you love". But the goal posts have changed. Women don't necessarily want or need a man to come in and pay their way, pull out their chairs, and be their bodyguards while being the "strong silent" type. They want a partner who can support them emotionally, who can be their rock, their friend, and also their lover. At the same time, women still are often fed improbable ideals about how men can/should act and be. It's impossible to have an emotionally sensitive and intelligent partner who also fulfills the old molds of "boys are stoic, don't cry, don't have feelings", etc. Until we as a society reform how we teach and reinforce gender roles to kids, nothing is going to change. You want things to change? Be part of it. This sounds very troubling. Being filled with hatred and feeling like you're going to hate passing a certain person/couple on the street shows that this is impacting your life and functionality in a profound, awful way. This alone makes me urge you to see a therapist, or even a trusted person in your life. I'm sorry you're going through so much pain.

That's a fair question, Metal. There's a couple things going on: 1) Not every abuser/negative/problematic people have overt red flags. With many (but not all) abusers, the beginning of the relationship is characterized by positivity and romantic gestures. @catfeeder mentions this in her post above. Sometimes "too much too soon" can be a sign of someone who may be an abuser but other times, it takes a long time to come out, years even. Some women don't report a problem until they are actually married to the guy after x years of dating. I myself struggled with one emotionally abusive partner in my dating past. We were friends for 5+ years before dating. I saw him date another woman before me (I knew her) and that relationship was not abusive. I saw maybe a couple small red flags but he was my friend before for so long, it was easy to dismiss. Hindsight is 20/20: if we had not been friends before dating, there is no way I would have ignored those flags. Within 1-2 years of the relationship with me, it really turned. 2) People (not just women) often repeat the bad relationship patterns that have been modeled for them. Grow up with abuse and abuse often feels "normal" - why wouldn't it if that's all you've ever known? Many folks are not really aware of this and their patterns until they get into some therapy. 3) There's kind of a big difference between abusive partners and people who hate the opposite gender.. Straight, male aabusers don't necessarily hate women or have disdain for them - it boils down to control of a partner within a relationship. Brooding, consuming negativity, however, is painfully obvious. Do you really think people at the bar don't notice you brooding when your friend is nabbing all the chicks?

There's a ton of anecdotal evidence in both directions for sure. My last ex was not conventionally at all attractive (he's actually obese, although less so now than before) and he has never had issues dating. He's really smart, funny, good personality, etc. Met me within a short time of online dating (no, not the swiping app) and he met his current girlfriend within a similar timeframe. She's also really cool, not "bottom of the barrel" at all, I like her and consider her a friend as well. And no, he's not rich either. He has a lot of good internal qualities and can show them off. The statistics are truly skewed and yes, I do think men have a harder time with dating these days in terms of just getting interest/getting a date in the first place. I know a lot of women are voluntarily single and maybe that skews it further. However, there are things you can do to help improve your chances. I wish things were different for you, for everyone, but as Stephen King says, "wish in one hand, s__t in the other, see which one fills up first". Your mental state is first priority, 100%. Let me tell you, when I meet a guy who oozes negativity towards women, it's a turn off and I'll tell you why: because it's an uphill battle. Instead of the guy approaching me like "Hi, I'd like to get to know you, I have cool things about me and you seem cool, so let's talk and have fun" it's more "Dating SUCKS, prove me wrong, can you prove me wrong? Or will you just be another case of confirmation bias?" That's exhausting.

Metal, I think you've received some excellent advice so far. That said, I agree most with the idea of seeking out some therapy and going from there. Rule out underlying depression/anxiety which, BTW, would not be the sole reason for you feeling the way you do but if there is an underlying disorder there, it would certainly exacerbate things for you. Is something you're willing to consider? Look, I'm going to be frank - it's true that the statistics are skewed majorly in terms of singledom/looking for a partner. The numbers of single people in the US are the on the rise, for both men and women, however it's harder for men to get a match on dating apps (more men than women on the apps). There are a number of reasons for this and I won't really get into it because that's a soapbox for another day (or post). Dating apps these days focus on snap judgments based on appearances alone and the endless sea of matches for women creates the illusion of endless choice. Yes, many perfectly fine who may be good fits for these women are swiped left on. It sucks. I won't placate you with the whole tHeRE iS sOmEOnE fOr EvErYoNe. That's simply not true. Some people do end up alone. Many more (when I say many more, I mean MILLIONS of people, perhaps even the majority of people) spend their lives in serial monogamy, rotating in/out of ultimately disappointing relationships and even marriages, usually having a child or two with said partner(s). We as people are often plagued by numerous things, a combination of our Family Of Origin (FOO) issues, traumas through our lives, maladaptive coping mechanisms, cognitive distortions, etc. In the end, even the love that people may envision for themselves may be unrealistic (think Disney movies) and impossible to acheive because it doesn't truly exist. "Lovers hold hands to numb the pain, gripping tightly to something that they will never own" -She Wants Revenge. Now here comes to the crux of the issue. It's an upward hill to get where you want to go and it's going to be difficult, I won't lie. Success is not gauranteed if you do try so you have 2 choices: give up and wallow/settle for the rare, drunken NSA sex or work on yourself (read: therapy first, then go from there) to get yourself into a better place and mindset, not just to snag a relationship but for your own wellbeing and overall happiess. I can't imagine how unhappy you must feel seeing those couples and being "wingman" for your friend and watching him have success. I can tell you, as a woman, even when I was younger (I'm talking late teens/early 20s, I'm in my 30s now), I could always, always tell when men were downtrodden and negative to a deep degree. It goes much deeper than simply "mood". Anyone can have a bad mood. It's something deeper and for me, it was a major turn-off. I could sense it both in person and online. I think the self-insight is a great start. I mean it, keep running with it. Yes, it is hard to take in advice when you're feeling crummy and awful about yourself to such a degree. I imagine it may feel paralyzing and hopeless. That's why I think proper therapy is in order so you can start breaking down some of these cognitive barriers and get to a better mentally healthy state. I'm not saying therapy will make you magically happy (it won't, and it shouldn't, unless your therapist is giving you some pretty fun drugs which would be highly unethical/illegal) but it will get you to a better place so then you can go from there.

please ignore

I really enjoy having my own place! It's a very solid, old (1800s) home with a LOT of space. I am very thankful that I had the sense to redo the HVAC and get central A/C - I've certainly been using it and thankfully, it's not that expensive to keep myself comfortable! So jealous - 24 acres!!! Is it wooded? You must be having a lot of fun with that - any plans on what to do with that land? I have medium/largish backyard. I pay a small amount to have one of my neighbors mow it for me and weedwhack. I basically just tend the flowers I have in the front. I want to get some solar-powered garden lamps, the kind you put in the ground. I have wild berries in the back of my house (been there for many years), lots of lavender bushes, everything. I love it. If I want a little more privacy, I plan to plant a certain kind of conifer tree down the one side of my fence, just a few. But that will be something I'll do in the future. Right now my neighbors are awesome, no complaints here.

Lo, I agree with you - I think we are really disconnected as a society and it is hurting us. My happiest times, in memory, are from when I was a child. I had a couple (still do) lifelong friends, my age, and we grew up together. We used to get together with our families regularly and eat loads of pizza and run around outside in gigantic yards/woods, playing games until the late hours. Our parents would be talking and drinking and so we just kind of ran free. That unstructured time was so important to me. Life is just very different now. I work a lot although with my new job, it won't be quite as much, thankfully. But my goal is to maximize my leisure time and spend as much time doing hobbies and other things that I love. I do think humans, just by our nature and ability to think in certain ways, struggle with exsistential angst, which I've definitely been struggling with from time to time. I think religion can provide some people with comfort but I am not religious at all. I think having social support, religious or not, helps a lot, as people can lean on each other. Eastern philosophies tend to be more accepting of the notion that there are many things that we just don't know for sure and never will. There's comfort to be had in that. For me, I am still trying to find what works for me. I don't have children to place my hope in and I have accepted that my existence is, for all intents and purposes, finite to a T, genetically, socially, physically, everything. I would wager that I have maybe 30-50 years max after my death before my name is meaningless and memories are gone, no matter what I do. How do I make it count? What will my life look like? I am in the process of buying a plot in a very old cemetery - my favorite cemetery actually - for myself one day. It can fit 2 people (if both ashes) or just one (ash/body). The plots around it are mostly late 1800s/early 1900s and there are lots of trees and moss. I like to go there and think: this is where I'll be at the end of my days, I know where I will be but how will I get there? What will do before I end up here in the ground?

Not to get a soap box or anything but it really irks me too because it kind of perpetuates the myth that women are these helpless, frail creatures that need "protection" and special rights while men are the "strong" sex and never victims. I'm all for equality when it comes to basic human rights and responsibilities. I don't want to be seen as some frail flower. While there may be some "benefits" to that status, it can ultimately be used as justification to take away rights under the guise of "protection". Hard pass.

The thing that bothers me about the Heard / Depp trial is that some people are SO quick to villanize Depp even with the crazy amount of evidence (right from Heard's own mouth too) that show that she is the abuser, not him. So he sent some angry texts to a friend of his venting about her. So? Haven't we all done that before, venting about a bad ex, or a cruddy boss? Just because someone vents to a loved one about someone else doesn't make them an abuser. Also, she ADMITTED to abuse and she was caught on tape doing so. This whole trial is really exposing those who are commited to misandry and just cannot, for their own warped reasons, see that men too can be victims just like women can. Abuse can occur both ways.