Fudgie

There is a really big storm front moving through the US and also my area and I believe we will be getting dumped on a lot. I'm thankful I'm not working too much today or tomorrow.

Snow snow snow.

Just my personal opinion but if it's 6 months - 1 year commitment and they reimburse you, heck, I'd go for it. Any longer than that and I'd say "uhmmm..." unless you knew what you were getting into. Good thing about CNA is that it's flexible in terms of scheduling. If you really can't stand the staff who tend to work on x shift, then you can switch to another one. It's not like you are stuck in an office every day with the same people and no way out. It's hard to be right out of school without any experience so even if you only stayed there for a year and not a day over that, it's still going to look good for you, going into the future and looking at other healthcare jobs. And you can always visit other places or volunteer per diem to get a REAL feel for other facilities/nursing homes. coworkers can be a great resource - I know many of mine have worked at 3-4+ different hospitals and facilities and they have their own experiences and opinions and boy, they love to share.

I don't have it in me to work in social work either. I don't know how they do it. I have an old childhood friend who is in social work and it's rough - they are usually under-staffed too. I think it would be difficult because you have to hear about ALL of the awful details of their living situations, family dynamics, psychiatric problems, etc. In addition, you're trying to navigate a difficult system for them. Many times, there is failure - either on the patient end due to non-compliance/other issues (frustrating) or because the system fails (REALLY frustrating). I can't imagine. How long would you have to work there to get reimbursed for your education? Even if it's not a truly good fit/feel, if it's not too long, it may be worth it to you, so you can get reimbursed. I think it's really great, I do. So much help is needed and the demand is only going to increase more over time.

I don't think it's foolish at all. The healthcare field is booming and many places all over are really short-staffed. CNA position would give you some really good experience and if you like it, you can pursue higher education and advance yourself. Are you interested in working in a nursing home, a hospital, or another kind of facility? Having spent a few years in the past working in a CNA-type position in a couple different locations, I can only say a few things: 1) Thick skin. You may be treated poorly - by patients, by co-workers, by superiors. Stick it out and don't take it personally because people who lash out at you, they lash out at other people and that's just how they are. 2) It's easy to pick a hill to die on but you must resist the urge or you will drive yourself mad. You will probably see bad things happen (abuse, etc.) and all you can do is report and try not to let it eat at you if nothing is done. 3) Don't hurt your back. Don't hurt your back. Did you hear me? I said Don't hurt your back. Even if it means that a patient is uncomfortable for a couple extra minutes so you can go, grab the appropriate lifting equipment/staff to help you, IT'S WORTH IT. The patient's discomfort is quickly resolved. Chronic back pain is not. Please don't be me, late 20s and now I have to be careful for the rest of my life because I've already herniated my back in 2 different spots. Anyway, overall, I think it's very worthwhile and I think you'll find it really eye-opening and interesting. Tbh, I'm a little surprised. I would have guessed you would have gone the "social work" route, since you seem to know a lot about the process and how to get services and such.

Cheet, I am appalled by the poor conditions at group homes. Absolutely awful. It makes me sick. I've seen people as patients who come from these homes and it's just terrible conditions, and I'm not just talking physically, I mean emotionally too. They are massively understaffed. This is why my sister will be living with me when I'm older and my parents are unable to live with her/have passed away. It will be a cold day in hell before I let her go to one of those places to rot away and be assaulted by other residents.

Working with the elderly population, I see a pattern: Husband slows down and gets a little demented as he ages. Women does all of the chores/crap already. She takes on more stuff. She does all of the bills, feeds, clothes, and transports him. She also manages his medications and can report his symptoms. No wonder wives don't live as long as single women. And no wonder husbands live longer. But what is really going on? Would men benefit cognitively from a more equal household? I can't imagine him sitting all day watching TV is doing wonders for his mind as his wife is doing all of the work, including that which takes brain power, like managing the budget.

I wonder how he'd score on a sort of IQ test that is better for people with autism and such. My sister has taken a traditional IQ test and she scored 80 I think. Her actual capacity to learn is far beyond that. She knows how to do a lot of things and she has amazing recall and can apply what she knows to real life situations too. But the test is not geared toward those who have autism and other learning issues so I don't really take those results seriously at all. I don't know about my mom for sure but she is VERY smart. My dad has a near-genius level IQ. My brother has been tested and he is in the "genius" range. I was tested in my teens and I scored highly as well but not genius range.

...whoa, that's awesome. Maybe I should have my family join as we have 2 confirmed cases in one generation, and possibly more, as my father showed symptoms when he was younger and is still profoundly socially inept at times and disconnected. He thinks he probably was high-functioning but learned to navigate life and excel in his career. Very interesting... I do know that parents with high IQs are more likely to have offspring with autism.

We never had neighbors, or a neighborhood really, so we never had kids come to our house, then or now. But my sister gets some candy during this time that she likes so I guess it's okay still, ha.

I miss my dad telling us really scary, awful stories to me and my friends on Halloween or around Halloween. I would get scared and one of my oldest friends would always act so tough and make fun of me for being scared. Years later, I found out that he was never able to sleep when he got home because of those damn stories. But he won't admit to it now. Good times!

Oh my. Yeah I don't remember them going until a little older, maybe 8 or so. I think until then they stayed home. I went out still but with friends and their folks. My sister liked the doorbell part. She would always dash up, ring the door bell, and then try to walk away. She never cared about candy.

I miss trick or treating with my siblings. My sister liked ringing the door bell mote than getting candy. I liked being a little older and walking with her, or rather, trying to keep up with her. Now we are all "too old". *cry*

I hate to say it but could she be sticking it out for financial reasons? Putting myself in her shoes, let's see, good job, good benefits, bread winner etc, could be on the hook for spousal support in the event of a divorce, maybe lose good chunk of retirement. If that's indeed a partial motive, well, sadly, I can't blame her. If I were older and the breadwinner, maybe I would rather live in such a situation than risk my financial security for the rest of my life in a costly divorce.

It's really dependent on the group of people. I think people who have similar experiences tend to group together. My family and long friends of my family have no to very fee divorces. People married once and stayed married. Likewise, I've come into groups of people at work where pretty much everyone has been divorced or separated, or everyone has been cheated on/cheating themselves. Like I said, like attracts like. Most of my friends my age are perpetually single, usually virgins, male or female. At my age, that's certainly not indicative of the population, just so happens that that's who is in my life. I know many people my age are having kids but I only have 1 young mom who I would consider a friend.

I wish I could like this. You've come such a long way. I love the way you ended your letter.

My boyfriend plays in card tournaments (not Yu-Gi-Oh, he plays Magic: The Gathering) and you wouldn't believe the 30 and 40-something year old adults who get all angry and salty when he wins against them. K is not a sore winner or loser - these people just can't handle losing and they get VERY angry and rude to him. It's only a few adults like that but really, it's amazing. Very important skill to have to say "Hey, it's just a game, I had fun, that's what matters".

I think it's actually very likely that it's true, reinvent. He never actually dealt with his insecurities. He bottled them up and sat and scowled. It just festered and at some point, it just bubbled over for him and he had to end it. That's it really. No, I'm not saying that as a white lie to make you feel better, that's what I think happened. I think I know what kind of woman would be "right" for him (in the sense of him not needing to change or address his insecurities) and trust me, it's not a good picture. I could see her as being not only childless, but unmarried (not divorced/widowed), most likely without any real LTRs in her past. Virgin would be best but it's hard to find that with older women unless you want to date an ex-nun fresh out of the nunnery. But it would be someone who has very little past whatsoever with men and he could be absolutely sure that he wouldn't have to be near that little past at all, because she would never talk about (out of shame?) and maybe the past lover is dead or halfway across the earth so he doesn't have to worry about that. She wouldn't have any male friends or associates. She would dress modestly (flats, long sleeves, no cleavage) wherever she went, reserving her sexy things (high heels, etc) for him only. As in, to wear at home or exclusively on dates with him, no one else. If other men came near her, she would avert her eyes and avoid all contact so S wouldn't be wondering if she looked at him in a flirting way or if she "invited" contact. She would answer calls/texts from S promptly at all times. When he requested a "report" from her, she would oblige. Of course, she would have no problem with him going out to dinner with female friends until late in the night. Maybe at some point she asks him why, and he says something to the effect of "Well, no sweetie, I trust YOU, it's just that I don't trust THEM. I also have insecurity problems that stem from meanie ol' women screwing me over in the past. I appreciate you doing all of this to assuage my fears" And then he goes back out again while she sits at home and waits. Of course, it doesn't matter what she does or what she says, because deep down (DUE TO NO FAULT OF HERS OR ANYTHING ABOUT HER), he still assumes the worst. Her Facebook is probably filled with pictures of her hanging off of exes. Her guy friends all want to bone her and she probably thinks about them in that way sometimes too. That's his "ideal" woman would look like and that is no way to live at all. My ex N likely wanted something like that as well. Towards the end of our relationship, he told me that he was upset that I didn't feel more "shame" at my past, why couldn't I just hide it away and never bring it up EVER, how dare I dress up like a wench in a corset at the Renaissance fair with him - I looked like w__e and I was probably doing it for male attention, and "how was your day" turned into a hour-by-hour "daily report" of my doings and who I talked to, etc. At the end of the day, still I wonder: How broken is someone who, in order to feel secure, needs someone who is not really whole themselves...? I'm here for you, reinvent. You are not his ideal woman and I am happy that you are not his ideal woman, someone who lacks a past, many meaningful relationships, meek in demeanor, and tied to him through a digital leash (cell phone).

Ick, I can't stand retro jealousy. It's very irrational and makes no sense. I found myself modifying stories for my ex N, taking out the word "ex" and replacing it with "friends" because the ex wasn't relevant in the story and I wanted to share the story, but I couldn't tell it in its entirety or he'd flip because there was an ex in it. The past is part of you. You can't erase it or forget about it. If you did, it would be erasing part of you and the experiences that make your life unique and memorable. Now, I will never tolerate someone doing that to me again.

I agree, it's very cruel and selfish. I think this just demonstrates the fact that he truly lacks self-insight which you have seen in the past - despite many talks with him about his insecurity issues, he always managed to get upset at things and blame you.

I think he probably genuinely misses you but still stands firm on his choice. I've been the dumper in my relationships and yes, you still miss someone even after you choose to leave. However, I think it's wrong and damaging of him to reach out to you like that. As a dumper, you have to keep your feelings to yourself and realize that expressing those feelings to the dumpee just causes more pain.

reinvent, I just wanted to say that with the "demonizing" bit - you don't have to "demonize" in the true sense of the word, but you can remind yourself of how he made you feel at certain points, bad points. Like, when he said certain things or did certain things, how did you feel? Close your eyes and take yourself back to that time. When he gave you crap for changing into flat shoes for the movies with him instead of your heels. When he made that comment about FB and how he didn't want to see "pictures of you and different guys all over FB". When you spent 4th of July in awkward, tense silence because he was angry you didn't make the moves on him as you were drying your hair. When he called your phone 10x when you were showering/talking to your son and he accused you of ignoring him and expected a detailed log of what you did in his absence. There's no demonizing in that, it's just remembering the past as it was and you have to ask yourself "do I want to feel this way again" because if you get back with him, the past will repeat itself. It's a good reminder of who he was and how your relationship was. My relationship with N was very good for a long time but was really bad towards the end and I wrote a lot about that here and I used to go back and re-read what I wrote. One particular memory that will always stand out to me was when I got very sick after surgery and I was having signs of a potentially life-threatening condition that I was at risk of at the time, and I needed to go to the hospital and see my surgeon. I still remember sitting on the cold bathroom floor, in my own excrement and some emesis, crying, arguing with N, because he didn't want to take me to the hospital because he didn't want my parents to get involved. He wanted to take me to another hospital that I had never been before and they didn't have my records and my surgeon didn't have privileges so he wouldn't be able to see me. We argued for about 45 min as I continued to lose fluid and couldn't stand on my own. That is not demonizing - that is just remembering the past. I remember how I felt that night and my heart still breaks a little when I think about it because it ranks up there with "worst things someone has done to me". It was so cold and I felt so helpless. That said, when you get further in healing, it is okay to say that you appreciate the memories you have with someone. N and I shared a lot of fond memories - a lot. I have funny/good memories and stories with every single one of my exes. I still see some things sometimes that remind me of N or someone else and I smile, remember, and appreciate thinking about it. I wouldn't give up those memories at all, even if he did turn out to be emotionally abusive in the end. Every relationship is different, you feel differently, you share different parts of yourself with someone, etc. It's just a trade-off in the end, do the good things outweigh the bad? You can recognize the bad things and realize that they aren't right for you and later, you can remember the good parts while being confident in your decision.

Nothing feels better than someone making you breakfast, right??

I'm really glad you're taking a mental health day for yourself. Do you have anything good within walking distance you can enjoy?

Just curious reinvent, and you don't have to go into detail but sort of things were you not able to talk to him about? What triggered him?