austingunner

My life just kind of sucks right now. I think a lot of her insecurity was that maybe I was just with her to be with someone and I would leave (like other guys) when I get it together. It was too intense for both of us. So the time off is good. I'm really not in a position to be dating. I'm going through a bankrupcy (b/c of my divorce) and I have a HUGE traffic ticket deal that I've had to hire a lawyer to clear up. So it's best she's not a party to all of that anyway. I just miss our closeness, it was a comfort, but maybe this is a good test for ME as a man. huh?

So how would I know that she is trying to "get through to me"? How long could it take? Could I expect months???? I was damn good to her and an incomparable lover on top of it all...her last boyfriend didn't even LIKE sex...hmmmmm you've given me a lot of strength, that's for sure. But if she emails me it almost seems rude not to answer.

That's funny, because when she first emailed me for casual conversation I caved, then later that day I told her that we couldn't because my feelings were too strong and then the next day I felt bad because, I thought, maybe she's reaching out for a friendship and then something in the future...at the beginning of the relationship we'd talked about wanting to be best friends first. I'm wondering if she misses me (I would think maybe so because she was alway so insecure at first and thought I was too good looking for her) but I'm not emailing her unless she emails me and keeping it to a minimum. How does that sound? It's hardly even a friendship at this point.

I forgot to add that she told me on the phone after the breakup that there was no middle ground in our relationship....I'd like to find that middle ground with her...start off again as friends and see where it goes. We were great together.

My girlfriend broke up with me about three weeks ago, after about a few weeks of prior seperation. I have to add that my life is going through a lot of transitions and I'm trying to get into a new career. I don't have a lot of money, I drive a crappy car that the whole time we dated over the summer didn't have air conditioning. So we didn't really "go out" a lot. We spent a lot of time at her house. Nevertheless we had pretty awesome chemistry on many levels and the sex was incredible and we both agreed that we'd never connected with someone like that before in our lives (and we're both in our late 30s). From the beginning she would go through periods where she would withdraw and be very uncertain. She would say things like: "when you get established you will leave me for someone 'hotter' etc etc. Then we would be back together and things would be passionate and great for a few weeks. At the end, we had the most connected week of our lives and it was pretty intense. SHE was saying "I love you" and "when are you going to make an honest woman out of me". This after only 4 months together! The following week she really freaked out and we took a couple of weeks off. She finally called me to get together and she told me that she didn't think it was going to work out between us and that our "emotional styles" were too different and that I was too needy. I will grant that maybe at the end I was holding on a bit too tight, partly because of her ups and downs and the ambiguity driving me crazy, and partly because I was a bit insecure because of my situation in life right now and what I could offer her. I was focusing too much on her and not enough on getting my act together. The time away has been great and I've been able to focus, but I miss her incredibly. Sooooo after she broke up, it was tough but I pretty much let it go after some questioning like "why did you tell me you love me and now nothing?" After about a week, she emailed me to say that she didn't want to lead me on but that she was wondering if it was too soon for "casual conversation". That's where we've been for the past few weeks, a casual email maybe once or twice a week with her always encouraging me that things will come together for me. Last Sunday I told her I just missed her and that I'd like to hang out as friends. She told me that it was too soon to start hanging out EVEN as friends. Which leads me to think that maybe down the road the friendship could blossom into something more if I play my cards right and that she does eventually want to start doing some things together. I know that our connection wasn't an illusion...could her making a clean break be her way of pushing the "reset" button to see what I'm going to do with my life before deciding to pursue more with me? I tihnk it's odd that only six days after she broke up with me that she would be writing to ask me to have casual conversations. Maybe she want to keep track to see what I'll do? Or was it just pity? We continue to write...maybe once or twice a week.... Anyone's opinion on this would be greatly appreciated. How is the best way to handle this to optimize my chances for another shot with this woman? Thanks, S

DM, your point is well taken....but I have given her the OK to work on this for the time being. I did basically end things and then she called me at 5AM to tell me that that was not what she wanted. I do see your point and I am taking the steps not to be totally hurt, disappointed yes, but not devastated. I just don't think that morally it would be right to just start looking around for something else at this point.

Well DN, maybe I will go with that advice in another week or two...it's only been a short while. I think she deserves a little patience.

NO I haven't called her at all in the past week. The last person to do any calling at all was me. I waited two days to respond to the last email she sent me, which was to tell me that she had gotten her books and was reading them, but hadn't really come up with anything yet. I just answered her simply that I had faith in her that she would figure it out and that she shouldn't worry about me "going anywhere" anytime soon. I've put a really good face on things from my end. It's not that she always has trouble showing her emotions, it's that she starts to become afraid at certain points...she has told me she's never had a boyfriend who she had the feelings for like she has with me. I think it would be really disrepectful and dishonest to start talking to other women or even consider that at this point.

Hi everyone, I have been dating a wonderful woman for 4 months. We have gotten pretty close over the summer. Since the beginning, she has "freaked out" for about a week almost every month. She has had a couple of broken relationships before me. Three weeks ago we got the closest we have ever gotten and (having been in an unhappy marriage and having healed from it) I really feel we connect on many levels and the intimacy/sex has been the best we have both said we've ever had. For the past two weeks, she has totally shut down and we are not seeing one another while she sorts things out. She has told me that although she needs to work this out, she knows she would regret it if she were to loose me because of this. She says that I am so open and in touch with my feelings, and that because of that she feels like she "gets stuck". She will act out when she gets like this and be overly critical of me and say mean things she doesn't mean. A week ago today she told me that maybe we should go back a few steps and explore the friendship and see if we were meant to be. Then last Monday, she sent me this email: I think I've come to the realization that the whole friend thing that I was pushing was really me trying to avoid confronting the overwhelming fear I feel when I think about us or my feelings for you. I hate this whole drama thing. I want to deal with it but I think I'm just realizing the problem is me and that I have to let go and do something to change my mind frame. But it is hard. I guess the first step is the hardest and I never really realized that I had these intense issues because they never really came up before. Is there a way that can we hang out and me not hurt you?I'm just through with this drama. I want to get rid of it. I've built a wall around my heart for so many years without realizing it. You asked me the other night about my feelings for you and hopes for the future and where I thought you'd fit in this scheme. At this moment, I can't really see beyond the wall of my own heart. I just hope you don't take this personally because it really has little to do with you. I became really upset and told her "no" that we just couldn't "hang out", because from what she was saying in the email I thought that she was breaking up. She called me Tuesday morning to tell me that that wasn't what she wanted at all, that she was getting some books to find a solution. We have hardly spoken in a week and I have been trying to be patient (outwardly, I have always been very patient with her moods) but I have a lot of anxiety about it. I really love this woman a lot and am willing to give her a lot of time to work it out. Her lack of communication this week is killing me. Am I just being insecure at this point? We have always been very open with one another and honest and she told me when she called me at 5AM that if she wanted to "break up" that she would tell me outright. But she is hardly talking to me and it's very impersonal when she does. What do you think?????

Yes...it's not the sex (although that was phenomenal) but here mere presense in my life and sharing things (cooking dinner together, going to art openings, talking, hearing her sigh when I hold her)...I don't know...I'm just scared that she's moved on b/c I haven't heard from her but that was the deal at the counselor's that we went to...three months, no contact. It's tough.

Hi all: It's been a while since I visited the forums...here's what's happening. It's now been almost two or three weeks away from being three months of being separated till we see how we feel about each other....this has been absolutely NO contact at all, so I don't know what's going on with her or what she's thinking. (See my other posts if you don't know the whole story). A couple of weeks ago I started going on some blind dates and I've met someone by telephone (we haven't met yet) who could really be right for me. I started to date again as a distraction from missing Kristina so much and it's worked to a point. I'm terrified of the disappointment I may experience if after the three months she's moved on...but who knows, she could feel the same way. I just don't know. In spite of the dating there are still times where all those feelings come rushing back in and I know that I still love her very deeply. I don't want to be tied up with someone else if the time comes and she says shes ready to trust someone and that someone is me, but I'm also terrified of the disappointment and hearbreak if she doesn't. I'm not afraid to be alone, but I'm ready for a relatioinship and I want to find someone to enjoy and share my life with before I am older and can't do some of the things I'd like to do with a meaningful partner. I'm going on my first date with this new woman (I'm excited b/c we have a lot of common interests and both have kids and we've had some long, nice conversations on the phone--not to mention the fact that she's stunningly beautiful)....there are so many doubts with Kristina. There are times where I feel so confident that she is my soul mate and that we were meant to be together and that she just needs time to overcome her fears and insecurities from past, abusive relationships; and then there are time that I'm just so afraid of the disappoinment. Anyone have any words for me or that can commiserate with my situation? Cheers...

Yes, and another thing that's helped me tremendously, since we can't have any contact with one another over this period is something that therapists call "journaling". I write to her everything that I want to express or that I'm thinking at the time: about the relationship, about things I did wrong w/ her in the past, about what I'm doing that I'd like to be able to share w/ her righ now, but can't. When all is said and done...whether we get back together or not...I'm going to give it to her as a gift; so she knows just how much I've loved and cared for her over the separation. Anyone have any take on the idea of me sending her a birthday gift at the two month point? I have something marvelouse picked out that also relates to her job...I just don't want to betray her trust by "contacting" her though, although I am thinking of qualifying it with "hey, it's your birthday"

For those that know my story, this is an update. I'm halfway into getting to see what going to happen with my girlfriend in September. Last night I went on my first date to a movie, since she and I separated. I did it thinking that I was "covering my ass" or distancing myself in case things don't work out for us at the end of the separation (since she would give me an answer when we separated as to what was going to happen then). The date was with a very beautiful, young woman who is very sweet and kind. But the date was so awkward and I was so nervous and couldn't figure out why till today. It just wasn't the same as when my girlfriend and I are together...the chemistry and the connectedness we had together is indescribable. It really helped me to appreciate all that she means to me and how much we together mean to me! So I guess there was a positive side to it in the end. I still don't know what's going to happen, but I sure feel a lot better now knowing that I'm really putting my heart on the line for something and someone that means so much to me. It's also really helped me to want to redouble my efforts and really take a look the shortcomings I had before in the relationship and to really work on myself to be the best man possible when the time comes.

I'm broken up with my girlfriend....the therapist told us to take a three month break b/c she wanted out of the relationship b/c she says she can't trust me....yet...if I call her I'll most likely ruin any chance with her in the future but I just want to tell her I miss her. I've never loved somebody so much in my life and it's just getting to be unbearable...things were going so well and POOF she freaked out over our past relationship and just shut down. I dont know what to do. --- addition made to the post from replies (SwingFox) --- my phone # is 512-635-2772 if someone wants to talk. I just want to call her to tell her that I miss her....I know I shouldn't but it's getting to be so hard

I found this in a book that I'm reading to improve my relationship skills, it's called: How To Be An Adult In Relationships: The Five Keys To Mindful Loving. It's a book that's based on the buddist principle of mindfulness (somewhat akin to self awareness, or being mindful of one's "self") [c]Letting Go Of Control[/c] "Healthy control means ordering our lives in responsible ways--for example, by maintaining control of a car or our health. Neurotic control means acting on the compulsive need to make everything and everyone comply with our wishes. Control is what we decided to seek when we noticed the implacable givens of our existence and felt helpless in the face of them. We were not yet able to say, "I will stay with this predicament and see what it has to offer me [i.e. a relationship on hold] I notice I seem to get stronger this way." Saying yes to our experience in this mindful way leads to empowerment. Can you make a decision, a commitment to be less controlling and to dedicate yourself to this as your present project?" For me in my current "non-relationship" (a relationship that's been put on hold with a "no contact" agreement between myself and my "girlfriend", Kristina, for the next three months) this means I am going to stay the course and see out the three months to show her how much I love and care for her and that I can be trusted regardless of what she ultimately decides. My gift to myself is that I will be a stronger person no matter what the outcome and I will have prepared myself to love her unconditionally accordingly. I highly recommend this book to anyone, even if you're in a good relationship...it has been very empowering for me.

A lot of people are very selfish (more guys that girls I think--I am emotionally selfish but I'm working on it...I couldn't give my girl space to think when she needed it b/c I was afraid of loosing her and now we can't talk--orders from the counselor--for three months as a cooldown)...many guys will say/do anything to keep you/hold you while they figure out who/what they want. You are better than him, if that's the case, and I wouldn't even look back.

The funny thing with my situation is that she said "I can't believe you picked me" so there is an esteem thing going on there. The therapist thinks she'll come around, but it so hard just to sit and wait. She DID after all break things off with two other guys to get back together, then she freaked out because I did too much too soon. I just can't stop obsessing over wanting to go back and change the way I did things. Change the fact that I pressured her when I should've taken a step back, instead of being so self-centered on my emotions...I didn't respect her wishes. I hope she somhow knows I'm sorry (she does know I'm continuing the therapy) and that I'm changing. I wish now I never would've contacted her last week and made her angry again...she said I was manipulative and that I attacked her self esteem (I did but unintentionally, I see it now)...who knows where this is going to end up. I wish there was a way to just turn myself off for the reamaining two months.

Yeah, I wish I would've pulled away on my own before the therapist suggested it to us...instead of looking like a psycho or a puppy for the month of June....I wasn't much of a man and I was very self centered/selfish not respecting her wishes The therapist keeps saying "actions not words" are what's important now, and for me that's no contact. I think she's a good woman and would've just told me to shove off period if that was the case...she has a lot on her plate, and it was just manipulative to keep writing and writing.

Well, I've just posted an email for help with my on hold girlfriend and she used some of those "excuses" because I was pressuring her too much and she has trust issues with me and with two former very abusive relationships. She finds it very hard to trust me and I understand that. Although she used some of those excuses I know deep in my heart she still loves me, she's just not sure if we're right for each other. We went to a therapist who recommended three month of no contact. When we said goodbye she gave me a very very passionate kiss and gazed into my eyes for a long time. You don't do that, I don't think, if it's goodbye for good. By giving her space, as hard as it is, I'm hoping it will also build trust for her and character for me. I've already violated the agreement once and she was very angry about it, but I understand her need to be alone. She has very strong feelings for me and finds me very desireable in many ways and that just confuses things for her when she's trying to get her head on straight. I'm hoping by showing her that I'm still here after three months, that I will have her trust by showing her my dedication even in the face of an uncertain future. That's the way love works, it has to be unconditional. I think that if I would've stepped off from the beginning when she asked for time, we wouldn't be in the situation we're in now. She felt manipulated by me constantly trying to convince her to be with me when her fear was keeping her love buried. If the time has the opposite effect (which is scary for me) and she isn't interested, then I will know it wasn't meant to be in the first place. I'm scared and looking for answers when there aren't any to be found yet and I was being selfish with my own emotions (which isn't expressing love properly) rather than thinking of the pressure on her.

Hi, I'm a 38 y/o male...handsome, tall and well built. I met a woman "K" in December and we immediately feel into a passionate romantic relationship. I was only 8 months into a divorce, was dealing with depression and being broke at the time. I had a lot of issues. She was very giving and loving and there was a lot of passion, but she was a little insecure...I wasn't very stable then and gave her cause to be insecure, although I never slept with another woman when we were together (there was a phone call from a woman who I'd been involved very briefly with who remained my friend but who "K" was always suspicious of and I lied one time about who'd called me and she found out by checking my cell phone log). Needless to say I pushed her away several times and the relationship was on again off again for about 5 months and finally ended. After a few weeks, "K" emailed me (a racy email) and we started sleeping together with no strings. She was seeing two other guys at the time but not sleeping with them (she slept with one of the once, when we were apart)...she would always tell me that the other guys were fun but that it wasn't the same as she felt being with me. A few weeks passed and we continued to see each other but I was worried about the other guys. She broke it off with one of the guys and then one weekend she flew to Chicago to se the other guy and decide what she wanted to do. I was worried. She called me from Chicago to tell me that she couldn't see being there with anyone but me. I was elated!!! When she came home on Sunday she called me to come over and we went and had a romantic dinner. When we returned to her house, I gave her my grandfather's wedding ring to wear on a chain as a symbol of my commitment and she was so happy she was crying. Things were very romantic and great for about a week and then she had a panic attack and shut down emotionally with me. She said that she was afraid that if things got difficult for me again that I would just leave and that she also didn't want to get involved with my issues. I started to email her a lot to explain my behaviour. She started throwing out things like "I have a big three year project at work and don't have time for a relationship". I kept sending the emails until she told me to back off. I think she took it all as pressure and manipulation. Previously (a month before) we'd set up an appointment to see a relationship counselor and were still planning on going. Two days before we went she said that she wanted still to go but that it was not to work things out between us...she said: "being in a relationship with you right now is not what I want. I keep hoping I will, but then we talk and I get angry." At the counselor's she said that she wanted to end the relationship, and that she was angry about all the emails. The counselor said that he sensed a lot of ambiguity from her about her feelings. She told him that she felt 50/50 about me and that my turnaround was too fast and that she didn't trust it yet. He suggested that we take three months with no contact and then see how we feel then. To me three months is a long time. I left her at her house and I asked her "what about after the three months?" She replied "I don't know" and I asked her "what if you're in another relationship by then?" and she replied "what if I am?" angrily. As I was leaving I asked her for one more kiss, expecting a little peck, and she gave me a very passionate full mouthed kiss and pressed against me. We paused and gave each other a very passionate and intense gaze. As I was leaving, she looked like she was going to cry and she said "you know whatever happens I'll always stand behind you and support you..." I didn't know what to make of this. After about three weeks I broke down and tried to call her to meet up and talk and she seemed happy to hear my voice and receptive but the next day she sent me an email saying "I know you want to talk, but I don't. I think we should do what the therapist said. Don't call me don't write to me" That's where I stand today. I really realized that I screwed up in the past and should've taken a step back when I wasn't ready instead of coming back so many times. I wonder if she's testing me to see where I'll be and what I'll do in three months time? Is this just an easy way for her to dump me? I just don't know what to make of all the mixed signals. Can someone help me? I continue to go to therapy for myself, but with an eye on being the kind of man she wants and deserves...but waiting to find out what's going to happen is killing me. HELP!!!