hopeful_heart

Wow, I may have missed a lot not having seen your other posts but from this one, all I can say is WHAT? What in the world are you doing? You sound like a caring guy who is holding on to a dream, not reality. Sounds to me like this girl doesn't deserve a single breath of air you have to give her. I hope I don't sound mean here but I used to be you, I used to hold on to dreams, let men walk all over me and come back for more. While this situaiton is reversed, there is someone out there who would have taken that ring, thrown their arms around your neck with eyes full of tears and realize how lucky they are to have you in love with them. If you showed this girl that you were able to move on, it may become an alarm to her that she's about to lose you and make her move back towards you at which point you hold the ball in deciding if she's worth another go. On the other hand, you decide to move on and leave her in the dust, finding that girl. Either way, you come out the winner, not the broken-hearted guy you sound like now. Easier said than done, I know! But ultimately, life is what you let it be. The first several months will probably be incredibly painful but aren't they painful now? At least enduring pain of letting go is propelling you in a direction where you get a fresh start with someone who will ultimately be what you need. Believe in you. That's my advice... Melissa

Guys, most of us are fairly easy to approach. Getting hit on at work is bad for me, anyway, because I'd feel awkward but if I'm on a break or just shopping at the mall, if I'm approached, I'm flattered! I set guys who approach me in real life far above the guys who approach me in a bar because I know its not beer goggles and that it takes a brave guy with a lot of confidence to approach a complete stranger outside of a situation where that is expected to happen. Simply saying hello is a great start. If I'm at least attracted, I'll respond with hey how are you? Move the small talk to interests, grab an interest and get a phone number out of it. If you bomb, shrug it off and try again with the next girl you find attractive. I guess that's the best advice I have.

Snow, I don't profess to be a male expert, you'll see that from my posts! But I've been where you are and I think what it ultimately comes down to is some men have a huge sex drive and are stimulated by some things that they think we will bawk at or that we will think is too strange. They turn to porn to either satisfy a sex appetite that exceeds what we can give them or tosatisfy their cravings for these things they feel we would think are "odd." My take on it, from the outside, is he lied because he was ashamed, worried about what you would think of him and that he hasn't or won't stop because of the reasons I stated above. He may have been so afraid of telling you the truth for fear of what you would think of him. I truly don't think you should feel its you in the least, especially with you saying that you have a healthy sex life. Why not offer to watch them with him or buy a tape that you would be interested in and surprise him by asking him to watch it with you. I'd turn this into a positive thing by letting it spice up your sex life and he'll see that your reaction to this was okay and the next time, he'll be more apt to share with you instead of lying. I guess above all, I'd be glad he uses porn instead of real life scenarios. Best of luck to you! Melissa

Hi everyone. I'm new to the board and just don't know where else to turn to gain insight on what I should do. Let me try to give the Reader's Digest version of what's going on. I'm 31 and have been dating a guy for 7 months. We had moved into the next step, getting serious, having a great time. Both of us have been married before. I have no children, he has an 11 year old daughter. Unfortunately, his ex-wife, upon her discovery of our dating, has been feeding his daughter's head with horrible things like she should be careful now that her daddy is in love because he'll leave her just like he left her mom. She tells her that his dating someone means he doesn't love her as much as he loves me. She cries and tells the daughter how miserable her daddy is making her. On and on and on. As a result, the daughter has worked hard and has successfully driven a stake between the love of my life and I. He has been struggling with trying to keep both me and his daughter happy. I have stayed as low profile as possible to her. She and I have met numerous times and have had a blast! Unfortunately; however, the mother's insane statements to the daughter have now had a dramatic effect. The daughter has refused to come see him, always asks and then is hurt when he tells her he went to the movies and when she asks with whom, he says me, she gets insanely jealous, cries, carries on. It became so bad that 2 weeks ago, at dinner, he and I decided we needed to take a break to assess our ability to go forward with our relationship given the circumstances. We had no contact and finally, 3 days before the 2 week agreement, we spoke and he basically indicated he and I could not continue because he just cannot find a way for us both to be happy. (us both = his daughter and I) My "ex" boyfriend and I met at his place yesterday to exchange our things back and with tears, he explained that he's miserable, unable to see a way out of this situation. He says he loves me dearly and wants me in his life as I have been but that his daughter simply won't allow it. Now I'm not a mother, but it would be a cold day before I could imagine my mom succumbing to demands I placed like this but what do I know? Regardless, he says he thinks he's just going to have to be single until she's 18 or finds enough other interests that she's not so deeply into his love life. So I ask him why does she have to know? Why do you have to tell her who you are with all the time? He says because he can't live a lie to her and even more, he can't ask me to go through this, that I deserve more. That as much as it makes him miserable, more tears, its the only thing he can see as possible. He wants me to move on but says it makes his stomach hurt to imagine me with someone else. I'm so lost, so confused, so hurt. We're all losing here: his daughter is losing a potentially great and supportive and loving step-mom, my boyfriend is losing control over his life and letting his daughter run it and a woman who he feels he could spend his life with happily; then i'm losing a potentially great family situation and a love and happiness i've never had before. Please shed some light here, if you've been here please please please help me close or open these curtains. If you haven't been here, please look at it from the outside and tell me what I'm missing! Thank you all so much! Melissa