apparentlynotalone

Hey, you tryin' to make me cry or something?=p I'm a pretty big fan of NIN oldies but this song hits a little too close to home.

Hi Terk2021. Your advice makes the most sense to me. I am going to talk to him today but I don't know what to expect of him. For the past week he's been a grumpy, agitated and easily angered person. Usually he's goofy, intelligent and kinda fruity. Since I told him yesterday that we need to sit down and talk and I don't know which one of these two people I'll be talking to. If he's Person#2, this is going to be hard. If he apologizes, I don't know what I'll be feeling. I think it's because I don't want to hurt him even though he's hurt me in the past unintentionally. However, if he's Person#1, I really won't hesistate to bring up all these issues. He already has apologized (on MSN *scoff*) that he's sorry for being pissed at me because he's been really disappointed in himself lately. I know if I break up with him he'll be sad, but maybe that's what I want him to be? Is it pathetic that the only way I can see that he wants me is to hurt him? I think that NC would be the best idea so he as well as myself can understand how we feel about each other when we're apart, like you said. I DO know what I want, and that's him. But even if he doesn't love me? I cannot answer that question. I don't want to lose him. I think I'm going around in circles right now. This is just a rant off my chest so please, anyone, don't feel obligated to respond. Let's hope all goes smoothly today. Keep you guys updated!

Thanks Kalika for your advice. Like I said I will talk to him tomorrow and keep you updated =). That's awesome you got to hang out with En Esch! I met KMFDM after their concert and Sasha commented on how short I was (I'm 5"3damnit!), while Jules jokingly yelled at me for not being able to operate a camera properly. Even KMFDM crack jokes at me LOL.

Terk2021, Your post meant so much to me. There was so much you said where I was just insanely nodding, lol. Unfortunately, I actually did NOT have much of a life before him but I know now I could easily have one full of dating and such. I know everyone does not fully understand our relationship; all they see right now is he doesn't love but you love him = dump him. But there's so much more. We care so much for each other, and he hasn't been burnt in the past, this is his first long term relationship. We are each other's first for everything. Perhaps that has a huge impact on why I feel this way. No one really has a right to tell you not to be with this person or not. But, if you want to be in a relationship where you give of yourself and show the love and devotion, you should be in a situation to receive it back. Only you probably know when that point is. When you reach it, you should move forward. Let him know what you want. If he is not ready for it, or to open up to you like you have to him, then take a break from the relationship. It's not "love me or I am gone", it's "take the time to figure out what you want, because I know what I want and that's you, but I cannot go on the way things are right now"... This could not be more true. Too true it hurts. I am going to propose a break to him. I must also add that right now is under ALOT of stress at school and he seems to me taking it out on me and putting a relationship aside for about a week. Is this childish and needy? The way he's been acting towards me the last week has actually been making me feel this way. In fact, I might be overreacting, but I do not want to overlook these feelings. If I do propose a break I'll just be looking forward to talking to him again or scared he will be content being alone rather than with me. I have alot to talk about with him. I will keep you all updated and I truly, deeply thank you for the responses everyone. It makes me feel not so alone after all.

annie24, you are so very 'effin right. Honestly, like every word you said. I really think if I leave him, he will be the first one to break NC, however, I do have an annoying confession: I'll be waiting for him Someone slap me silly out of this trance!

PS: You guys are awesome. Even the people who think I'm a loser, lmao.

Enitsirk, I truly do believe every word you're saying and I think I can find someone to love me back. I just question myself if I'll ever love anyone the way I loved him. Sacrificed oh-so-much with pleasure for his happiness.

Thank you annie24 and BeStongBeHappy. Yes, I'm still with him but I do plan on talking about our relationship tomorrow. A little background info: he's 18, I'm 19. He's not abusive at all and he only tells me how he TRULY feels so I'm not deceived and living a lie. He's with me because we have fun together and have grown very close. He tells me he doesn't know what love is. From anyone. He doesn't even know if he loves his MOM. He's confused. I think I will stray towards annie24's suggestion of NC. I know, I need to love myself a lot more than I care about him. I know he does. But...it's hard damnit!

What about dependency? I'm not critisizing those four "Horseman of Apocalypse" but dependency seems like a big one for me.

Holy whiskers, that was a fast reply. Thanks! Yes, he has said that he doesn't love me on perhaps three occasions and each time the stab wound felt new to me. Honestly, I don't have to the heart to break up with him. I have too much heart for him actually. God, I must sound like a blundering moron to be saying this. It's pathetic, I know.

This is a very tough topic to write about for me. I'm just going to state my situation bluntly; it hurts to go into too much detail. I love my boyfriend but he does not love me. I care for him much deeper than he does for me. Most would ask, "Why stay with someone like this?" but I don't think you should love someone back just because they love you. I love who he is, how he makes me feel when I'm with him even when we're doing absolutely nothing. My life or day seems incomplete without him. I'd rather be hanging out with him than anyone else. No one makes me happier. We've been together for almost 2 years. He cares for me as a friend but not as a significant other. The thought of him being with someone else, especially in love with someone, rips me apart. It destroys me. I always think about what I can do for him to love me. Why & how could this be so painful. I am never giving anyone my all again. I always fantasize about what it would be like if we were in love together, but then I quickly shove those thoughts out of my head because it makes returning to reality a real kick in the face. How do you fall out of love? Anyone words of advice would help. Thanks.

Well you said you've broken up with him, right? I think this was the best thing for to to do because it is so hurtful when you catch him in the act, especially since he knows you're in the house. Good for you for leaving him. It takes a lot of strength and willpower to leave someone you love...if you do love him. Maybe he just doesn't realize that hes dug himself into a deep hole and eventually hes going to end up alone with him and his hand since he rejects real people.

No, not all guys do this. I got really angry just reading your post. I just really wanted to pull you away from this guy and save you from anymore heartache (if you've already had some) that he may cause. 1) Sending you pictures of girls, talking about girls on screen and such is annoying, simply because it might make you feel like you're not good enough. Why dont you try doing the same thing sweetie? Send a picture of an amazingly hot guy (may I suggest Wentworth Miller! lol) and see what his respond is. Or during a movie, or on an outing. Vengeful? Yes. But it can teach a lesson pretty damn quick. 2) The whole 'I don't love you situation.' Im trying so hard not to use the f-word here, lol. That was so fu*king rude. Like, you're not trying to fish for a reason for him to say those words, but he insulted you for no reason. I know how this feel okay. It hurts like * * * * especially when you're not even looking for the person to say it. Honestly. Leave this mofo. He's annoying the crap out of me and sure he's doing the same for you. You dont need to be compared to girls and feel unloved. Keep us updated PLEASE.

I'm really not sure what to think. Isn't looking at porn on the internet different from actuall joining groups and seeming "committed"? I know I have had this problem with my boyfriend except he wasn't joining groups (not that I know of. Dear God, I'm worried, lol) but he was just looking at porn and it was affecting intimacy between us. If this is happening with your husband then I would think this is a problem. If not however, I don't think you should worry too much about. I've learned to accept the fact that men are visual creatures and sometimes it's fun to act out things that may happen in porn AS LONG as 1) you don't feel like you HAVE to do it to turn him on 2) you're not even into yourself.

The face with the glasses above is meant to be the number eighteen.

Yeah, you're right. They can only change if they want to. I've had this same problem with my boyfriend except we're much younger (18) and he's improving. You say this has been going on for years. Has he shown any signs of guilt and sincere caring of the affect it's having on you? Speaking from personal experience, I know how this can make a woman feel, especially when you know you're attractive to other people. I'm sorry to hear he can't get an erection if it's not porn related because that means he's addicted to a fantasy world and if real flesh no longer turns him on, I believe it's time for you to take care of yourself. I know this hurts because you think to yourself, "It's not that easy to pick up and leave" but please think about the long run. I know I have with my boyfriend. He needs to realize and understand that you have needs, and albeit selfish, you'll find pleasure otherwise, even if it's another man, somewhere else. Although I wouldn't call this selfish because look at him: he's pleasuring himself without any concern for you. Move on and find someone who doesn't abuse you emotionally and physically. You're hot and you know it!

Have you tried confronting him about this? Maybe if you do, he might stop if he realizes it's making you feel this way. Try talking to him about how it makes you feel because that's the only way he'll ever know it's bothering you. I don't think he'll stop on his own.

Thanks alot to everyone who said something about this issue. It honestly really helps me alot. Since I put up a password on his computer yesterday and he won't be able to access the internet, I'll confront him when he most likely beats this barrier again. But this time will be different. Guys, he really, truly hates porn. He's cried in front me on more than one occasion because he feels so infected with this disease. He's told me I'm beautiful and he is very attracted to me and he needs me to care about this addiction so I can help him through it. I am going to suggest councelling to him and I am going to support him because he told me he 100% prefers sex with me than with porn. I appreciate everyone's input, and if his behaviour worsens of hurts me even more, I'll have no choice but to leave him, though I deeply care so much about him. I even think that leaving him will make his habit worse, but I can't stand being hurt so much. But for now, I will help him as much as I can because I know this is genuinely ruining him. As for councelling, do couples go together or does the addict go alone? I'm not sure which one would be a better idea. Thanks so much again everyone! Oops, I forgot to say something, lol. I wouldn't mind as much if he were watching porn and sexually intimate with me. It's just, like I said, I hate being rejected for his computer.

Hi everyone. This is a really great site with a lot of different opinions considering this issue...one that I am actually trying to cope with as well. However, my problem is somewhat different. My boyfriend also watches porn on a regular basis and it feels on more than a few occasions that we don't have sex because he's already gotten off that day. I am 19 and he's 17. I thought (maybe I'm mistaken) that guys that age would LOVE having sex. We've been going out for almost two years and I wouldn't say that our sex life is boring. My boyfriend is an incredibly honest person, and he's told me that sometimes it feels like routine (which I don't take offense to because it's a reality) but for the most part it feels great because we don't see each other that much. I have found porn on his computer. I wasn't snooping, I just stumbled upon it and it triggered off a inhumane rage in me. I freaked me out . Then I found it a couple more times and soon there was a reoccurring pattern: he didn't have sex with me on the days he already pleased himself. He admitted to me not too long ago that he thought he had a problem being addicted, however, it was NOT a porn addiction; it was a SEX addicition and porn was just made the sexual fantasy better. He told me he was exposed to this at a long age due to the unrestricted boundaries of the internet. When he told me this, I felt a much deeper understanding of him and his addiction and I have tried to cope with it and even tried to help him. He's made me put up firewalls on his computer and administrative passwords so he can't access porn, but he's always found a way to beat these barriers and find a way to porn. He wouldn't tell me when he beat the barriers, partly because, I think, he wanted the presense of porn which really makes me question if he wants to beat this. He told me about his addiction months ago, but he continues to get off to porn alot. I have told him how much it bothers and hurts me and how it completely drains my self-esteem. Even though I go out and guys constantly compliment my attractiveness, HE is the only one I care about and I feel unattractive to him. I feel he's way more turned on about the things he sees on screen rather than in flesh. He told me (and we're not fighting when we talk, we actually embrace each other) that it's a form of procrastination because school really stresses him out and it just happens to effect me. Every time he looks at porn, he feels guilty and like complete crap. When I did confront him again about looking at porn on his computer he freaked out on me and turned the issue against me. Porn disgusts me because I feel that so much of society is infiltrated with thoughts of sex, and porn worsens it. Erotica is different, but porn is...dirty (for lack of a better word). I felt so insulted that he turned the issue against me, that I threatened to break up with him and he was devastated. I know this makes me sound like a complete * * * * *, but I believe that someone in this thread said that actions speak louder than words. (For example, on one special occasion when we planned to have sex and make it special because we hadn't been with each for a while due to school, he got off that day and I was left just standing there completely rejected. He seemed to have wanted the porn more than real sex). I just hate feeling like I need to compete with his hand to be intimate with him. He's admitted his sex obbession to me. He says it's ingrained into his mind and how there's apparently no cure, but only control. He seems willing most of the time to overcome this, but at other times he feels he's so hopeless. I want to help him but when we talk about it, we talk about it for like 30 minutes, and then forget about it (though its still on my mind) and maybe after a week the whole problem arises again. I dont want this issue to be the focus of our lives but its on my mind alot. Has anyone been to counselling, and if so, has it helped alot or a little, or at all? I'm not selfish. I want his life to operate normally without having to feel so bad about himself, and I admit, I want a normal sex life. I dont want either of us to feel like we have to book a date with each other on a day he hasnt jacked off so we can be intimate. It feels so planned. Any words of advice would be nice. Criticisms would be nice too. Thanks ;-)