Dilly
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I love that book! The best thing is that it's interactive. I was able to make the decision to leave my ex using that very book but my decision I feel had already been made long before as I felt we had grown emotionally apart. Great book! It's so amazing how controlled we get and feel in relationships. Very disappointing. The longer you stay sometimes, the more you communicate that it's OK.
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OMG, if I have a girl, I want that exact same carseat!!! HOW CUTE!!!
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BTR, you sound strong! I am really, really proud of you. Yeah, I could see where the disappointment approach doesn't work. There are types of sick people that are "megalomaniacal" (some of the most egocentric and me-focussed) that are incapable of sincere apology or selflessness. I think R- may be that type. Sure, when he's been dumped, he may feel remourse, but only when he's been dumped and left on his butt. BTR, you are with a very controlling dude and ... gots to be careful and not even consider how he might react to you. I'm so happy for you and continuing to keep you in my prayers. Glad to hear that you're coming back to your spiritual place too. When I met Robert, I was reading the bible constantly, intellectually, really really feeling deep committment to studying the bible and probably overstudying it. Then, I got met him and he's an atheist, a devout atheist. When I casually mentioned God's name, he looked at me and said, "Oh God, you don't actually believe that in that crap, do you?!" He really enjoyed tearing my belief system down and once even threw my bible on the floor. Then, he held me down one day (playfully it seemed) as I tried to leave the apartment for church. I was crying and upset. YOur story reminded me of mine. Sorry.... to go off on a tangent but fortunately there aren;t a whole lot of guys that are like this - just a few and I started questioning my own beliefs and within three months of meeting him, was seeing weakness in my beliefs and strength in the idea of my life ending with my mortality (no spiritual life thereafter). BUt no, I do CHOOSE to believe in something higher. It's a choice, I have no proof or cause to believe other than I feel it's right to ... whether I'm a sucka (as he calls me) or not. But you know, in the end, it was my biggest spiritual challenge to hold on to some idea of the possibility of God, when he was trying to get me to become an atheist. He said agnostics are cowards and don't know what to believe so they say they don't know. I am glad I hung on because that one remaining seed of my faith is growing again and I'm so happy. Anyway, keep it coming, sweetie!!! You're growing stronger every day and this trial will make you stronger and better for the future, your child and hopefully you future life partner.
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Very Very Cool!
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How long will you keep your child in this bassinet? And then, will she graduate to a crib?
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I know of some women who undergo that test and they get really queezy and out of it afterwards so I think hubby should prolly be there for safe measure Besides, this is such a fun time for both of you. The bassinet IS SUPER CUTE! I might have to get one, too, because it looks sort of Easter-festive which is when my little one is due!!! I love it when you share your shopping finds!!!
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Hey SouthernGirl, did they just do a blood draw or a tolerance test? If it was a blood draw, I have no doubt that that is why your blood glucose was high. A post prandial (after meal) glucose reading not only varies greatly but if they were expecting a fasting blood glucose and you ate, then you would have blown throught the range for the fasting. Did the doc know you ate? And what did you have to drink? Do you remember the level? I can't believe you only have 11 more weeks!!! AWESOME.
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Thanks Hope and BTR!!! Here's to another good day. Rest, eat, and be marry!!!
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Sorry to be harsh with you! I really, really don't want to make you feel badly, but the situation you're in really does not meritt a coating in sugar. I am not saying this to be mean or ugly or hurt your feelings but it seems like you're not committed to ending anything with him and that is the thing I feel you should be focussed most on. You will hear nothing more from me in this thread. Feel free to say whatever you like. I only want you to keep the rose-colored goggles off your face. You are a lovely person and you know this... but you're also very vulnerable to this vicious cycle.
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Hey Female, I have read through many of the posts, but not all. It is obvious that it's clicking and that you're coming over the hump, but the way you hold onto this "love" and "respect" for him is still very unhealthy. Even though YOU are OK with YOUR progress in this regard, there is no telling when you might get another wild hair to do it all over again. It may be a matter of hours, weeks, months, or years. But I don't think you're done. I'm going to PM you a personal story and really hope that you might understand that while you and others on this board have applauded this man for his high morality and conscience, I am not impressed. I think it's very ugly of him to keep his marriage quiet (even though he might have issues, he is married). Furthermore, he should have never told you the things he did, true or not. Additionally, when you didn't write him for days, his ego hurt and he shot you an email. He's not above any cheating loser guy. I'll tell you what I think - that he just wanted a lay and a regular one, from somebody he was attracted to, but someone who wouldn't get all emotionally attached. He saw you got emotionally involved a bit too much and possibly thought FATAL ATTRACTION (the movie). Man, you need to just get it out of your head that he's anybody but a loser creep. I'm sorry. You might be an old-fashioned girl, and a good one at that, but this guy really wants nothing to do with you and will possibly put out a restraining order against you or press charges if you keep it up. I mean it, you may one day just send what YOU deem to be an innocent email and it may be all she wrote - don't play with this anymore. He's not interested in you for anything but a cheap thrill and I guarantee you that he loves his wife and values his marriage and only wants to have his cake and eat it too. Do you want to be "the other woman"? Yuck, no dignity in that. I'm terribly sorry for coming down on you. I realize you're making progress but ... not quickly enough in my opinion.
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You sound like you've screwed your head on straight and that you've found the person that he and all your ex's fell in love with, a person who loves and values life, and a person who supports herself, one who is generous and compassionate and has a long list of good things coming to her. He is poison in your veins and I'm glad you are in the detoxification program! GOD AM I HAPPY FOR YOU! I actually have started praying again (have been agnostic for years) and you're in those prayers! GOOD LUCK GIRLEEGIRL!!! Keep up the good work!!! Gosh, can I just tell you again how happy I am for you!!! YES!!! Keep up your strength!!!
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Worried about you, BTR, that you skipped out of work, nauseated and sick and are trying to work things out. You know, it's human nature and some might even say a noble deed to try to keep a dad in the picture but addiction to people can bring out a physical sickness when we become separated from them. I really think if you are addicted to R-, you both have to deal with your own addictions in different ways. Maybe you always enjoyed being his mom, but now realize he's never going to grow up? I really hate that he plays you and I really want you to make that impossible. You can do it - there are a number of ways, but I think ... it will be very, very tough if you try to work things out with him and let him abuse you like this. Once an abuser, always so? Is this true?
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Concur with the above. I suspect you still love him, but he smiles when he puts you down because even he can't believe he stil has control over you. He knows he's f'd up and beyond repair and the only thing holding you back from leaving is fear - of him finding someone new, of being alone in pregnancy and motherhood, of losing your precious child, of not meeting someone else. He is playing those fears to his advantage and now that he figures you're onto his game, he's ready to get sweet and you've seen that card played before, too. YOU NEED YOUR DISTANCE, REGARDLESS. You don't even trust yourself now. That's when you know you need to get away from people, advice, and just rock steady and figure it out. He's going through alot, too, sure - and he'll play that card to it's full extent, but you know you have got to get out of this rut SOMEHOW and SOMEWAY and since he's pretty worthless as a member of society, a father, a lover, and a friend, evaluate him for what he offers you, nothing but pain and comfort in this game of quasi-committment. You're interested in the routine and you don't want to muck that up - but change only really happens when something vital is withdrawn from an environment - YOU. Take an ecosystem like the desert which may have once been a lush countriside. Take the water away and you have cacti that adapt to the conditions and thereby modify their lifeline. Take the seasons - you stay in shorts when you go skiing and you're going to possibly end up with a crippling case of frostbite. You gotta adapt to the changes and he isn't! You are! Keep up the good work. He's not a vital part of your ecosystem. You're just addicted to him right now. I think it will take a while to break the addiction, but you will and only then, if you are vital part of his world, will he adapt either in favor of being a good dad or not.
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My feeling is that he may even try to melt in your hands so that you can't handle the situation he is so sweet in injured. Uggg... GOOD luck.
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He sounds like such a punk! This is probably the most common type of bully there is. He sounds like he's smart, but not smart enough to pick himself up and carry his own weight. Did he depend on his ex-wife, too? I really am not all that crazy about him - he sounds like a delinquent in so many ways! You know, it's like you knew he was cheating on you using the Craigslist and that was when things were going well, right? And you were paying his bills then, right? Man, if that's the case, this guy knows no boundaries that he respects. I think you'll be fine. Oh, BTR, I feel your enthusiasm slipping and I want you to know you have been my rock through this pregnancy - you have been so strong and encouraging and I know that you are going to be a beautiful mother, a faithful wife to someone deserving, and a very kind nurse (if you choose that fate). You will look back at this someday and laugh and you will probably tolerate this guy if he is suitable to tolerate (which he very well might not be considering his inclination is to wind up in the downward spiral after climbing nearly out of it). I have no idea how he managed to get custody of his girl, but you know, you keep your nose clean, and you'll be fine. My only words for the task at hand: don't say ANYTHING hateful that you might someday regret because he uses your own feelings of guilt and self-doubt against you. Do nothing and say nothing to incriminate yourself. Just state you wishes calmly and provide 1-2 reasons calmly if not stoicly and leave it at that. He will twist and turn trying to come up with another tactic, most likely cruel smug withdrawal (just that OK, fine, bye, great, good, c-ya in court). Don't let his attempts to make you think he doesn't care bug you. You've got his jewels in your hand and he knows it. Don't sweat it, Sweetie. Just do what you have to do and say nothing you'll ever regret and better yet, do it with conviction WHEN and ONLY WHEN you are absolutely ready! You have our support and know that we will all be with you in spirit and offering you all the hugs that you could ever want in this process. Warm huggies out to you. GOOD LUCK!!!
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I really hate that this is happening. He went from a passive, cool-headed distant lover to a lava-hot must-know-now control freak in a matter of weeks. It really sucks. Gotta ask you - when he wanted you to get a place "with him", was he really interested in paying his share? Did you ask how he might make you feel secure that he will? And why does he say you should get used to the idea of him being out of work? Jack-ss. What kind of things to you say when he was bullying you to placate him? I mean, did you tell him you were wrong to move in with your mom? What could you have said that would have calmed the savage beast?
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Look, if you are really scared, you can bring someone along, hopefully someone he likes and respects. You might really appreciate their ability to recount his reaction later anyway. He might be expecting it. OR you can do it in writing. And if you are really scared of him, there are restraining orders. I don't like playing with the idea of bringing legal into the picture though unless absolutely necessary. Why rush to tell him anyway? There is no rush. Let him cool down and wonder and he actually might take the news better.
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I agree with Beec only I don't think you owe him anything. I don't like to end a relationship in silence (never really done it) but ... it's not a bad option.
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BTR, my God! This is so terrible! I wish I could snap my fingers and it would all just go away! You're having his first-born boy and he's very excited by that. He's the father of your child - so yes, he has a right in the child's life. But I guarantee with this history of physical, emotional, and chemical abuse, he'll stand NO CHANCE of getting custody as long as you are not abusive in any of the same ways. I know what you're going through, I really do. I understand every turn your taking and I understand why you give in and you do too. It's easier and it feels better. I'm in your shoes, one foot in, the other out. It's like standing with a feet on two adjacent speedboats, straddling them. Then they both take off and you have no footing and better hope you have a life preserver. I feel for you! I wish I could tell you what to do, but I think a lawyer will set your mind at ease with respect to custody issues. OK, so my question is (and you know I feel your pain cuz it's so similar with respect to demands on building a life together, etc): do you really love R? I understand all of the reasons to be wary, trust me. Would he ever be willing to sign a prenup for you to live together in which his financial obligations would remain his own and if he defaults, you gain ownership of the place? There are legal approaches you can take to protect yourself, but he doesn't even sound committed to bringing money in. I mean what's this talk about him "continuing to be out of work"? You're right, it sounds like he wants his ticket to easy street. I hear him calling you names and telling you it's all your fault. Man, don't believe that crap. He's confused too, I can tell you, and maybe he loves you as much as HE IS CAPABLE, but that is hardly what you deserve. I never like to tell people to break up but he is turning out to be a monster and he plays the organ to the same tune as Robert when he's mad and not getting what he wants with these threats about meeting other women and moving on, and being perfectly happy to end it. MMMMM, you're playing into him and he's loving life right now. He has all the cards because you gave them to him last week when you showed up at his place while he got high. That punk needs to get his butt whipped by one of your brothers. GRRRRRRRRRR. Anyway, if you continue to retreat, you might be better off. But if he were able to be with him and communicate what your heart truly feels (TO THINE OWN SELF BE TRUE), without fear of being hurt or abandoned (and I do believe he is using this fear of abandonment issue to its full extent to manipulate you), then and only then can you speak on logical levels. HE NEEDS TO QUIT BEING A F-ing Junkie!!! He needs rehab, a good solid income, and counselling for his abusive behavior towards you. Yeah, give him a gold star for having some interaction with his daughter, but he's not providing. Girl, we are on your side no matter what he claims or remembers in his belated drug stupor his junkie friends have told him. His boss likes YOU!!!
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I don't have a problem with it as long as my boyfriend is cool. If he's queezy, then I am too! Nonetheless, my doctor informed me a while ago that you can contract STD's more readily if you are on your period because there is much inflammation and fluid exchange and she just cautioned me to be careful. As to the risk of pregnancy, there's only one true method and yes, sometimes girls are quite irregular and pregnancy risk is much higher then and even in regular girls, it may happen because they may go through an irregular phase. Rare, but true.
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Wow, that's such a cool picture with the inquisitive kitty paw thrown in as a bonus! Congratulations! Do you really think cats are dangerous to newborns? How will you keep yours separate? I have five and have been warned plenty about how they "suffocate babies". CONGRATS AGAIN!!!
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You're so young that I really don't want to contribute to jading you or encouraging it, but you know, when I was your age and minding my own business as married men would approach or sneak glances, I got jaded too. I got really jaded because there's something about our society that either causes, allows, or even anticipates that men (maybe women too) just naturally deviate from their marital committments. And it's so ironic that the same society steers us in the direction of marriage and then, casually deposits its victims in the graveyard of divorce, a graveyard where no memorials lie and few are visited. Anyway, the jaded usually aren't that attractive to men, but why? Is that because the hopeful and the gullible are? I don't know. I just hope that in all the green, you keep some sparkles of hope because I do believe your prince is coming!!!
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About your "Friend", BTR: She sounds like she's enjoying putting you down. But you are so strong and it's so good of you to realize that she's got her own issues. She saw you pregnant and likely got pregnant herself therafter. Why? She looks up to you, but ... sometimes the people we look up to, we pull down. It doesn't make any sense, but it might be human nature. Just take it like advice you would from a sister and ignore the rest. I read in the book WHAT TO EXPECT WHEN YOU ARE EXPECTING that it's often wise to put blinders on when it comes to unsolicited advice about pregnancy because it's often so wrong and misguided, as are prescriptions for living life through marriage, children, a white-picket-fence and.... oh, what ever happens when they live happily ever after? There are no stories about that - does it exist? Anyway, it would suck to have to deal with the guilt of ending a marriage the way she did and you are so good to not rub her nose in it, but isn't it amazing how she is rubbing your nose in what she perceives to be your shortcomings? What are her underlying insecurities that blind her to her own bad judgment and poor assessment of reality? Anyway, stay strong. You seem to me to be one of the most beautiful people and the way you handled this situation is a perfect example of how classy people don't strike back!!! BTW, I don't get the feeling that you're all that stressed, really. Am I missing something? I'm picking up on a calm perspective arising out of alot of new developments. It's true that we should all focus on the positive, but if we did, would we grow or have a better assessment of reality for it? The message I consistently get from you is positive and hopeful, regardless of whether its about your own reflections on your circumstances or advice you're giving to others.
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Yay for you Muffin Cakes!!! Only six more until you'll likely start feeling better. I am just about 12 weeks today and feeling quite better emotionally and physically!!! GOOD LUCK!!!
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God, it's so fascinating. I just think youre right about not ever thinking you've got someone figured out because they'll surprize you, sometimes in wonderful ways, and sometimes, in terrible ways. I ... so question life-long committments now more than ever. I guess you're right. Things for each of my bro's have been going so well for about 8-10 years each, but there's have been peaceful lives and you may be right, they may surprize me. SOmetimes, I think there's a real correlation that can be made with the amount of time a man spends by himself and the amount of trouble he gets into. I mean, my older bro C never has a moment to himself and he never complains about it... but what if that changed? Would he? Also, my younger, J, is starting to spend some time alone. I was surprized years ago when my ex-hubbie found porn on his computer because J had been busting on my ex for his interest in it. Shoe managed to fit him as well. Funny, eh? Our stories are similar yet again. Well, all I know is ... it's nice to know that people do this. I guess the only thing we really can rely on in life is ourselves and this is more reason to get comfortable (fully cozy) with the notion of being alone at any point along the path in life, because, no matter who you are, how long you've been married, how you look on paper when the stats are stacked, it could happen to anyone and most like happens to us all. Women do it, too! Thanks BTR for another freakin' reality check. It bites, but I'm starting to appreciate that little nip - keeps me straight.