gaiden

Be careful. For a lot of people pity or feeling sorry for someone is a good way for them to get your goat. Most of us have a tendency to help those we consider less fortunate, and therein lies the trap. Pity for my ex's is never my goal, apathy is. definition: Apathy is the lack of emotion, motivation, or enthusiasm. Apathy is a psychological term for a state of indifference — where an individual is irresponsive or "indifferent" to aspects of emotional, social, or physical life.

I think most people will agree, don't send anything.

No contact isn't the tool for repairing relationships. It's the tool for repairing yourself. No contact is usually started because of two reasons: either #1 you DON'T want them back and/or #2 you understand now is a time for you to worry about you, not 'us' and certainly not them. It's my opinion that when you decide to start NC, the time for empathy is over. If you are doing no contact, it's because you have finally decided that your efforts on reconcilliation would be better spent on healing and recovering from the recent loss. It takes two people to form and continue a relationship but it only takes one to end it. If the other person isn't interested in being with you, why would you waste your time trying to convince them otherwise? When I go no contact, I am not bottling up my emotions at all. I'm giving them a chance to come out, burn out, and disappear. Having any contact with the ex would allow them to manipulate and drag out the healing. Seriously, time and absense are the key to moving on. Hense the whole out of sight, out of mind. If you have someone in your life that doesn't improve or enrich it in any way, they shouldn't be there. It doesn't mean you care or even that you are hateful, it means you see they more then likely are part of the problem, not the solution. So away with them. I don't know about you, but I rarely ever 'resolve' anything with anyone that I am no longer with. Unresolved issues from previous relationships are just one of the hurdles we have to learn to overcome and deal with in life. Yea, life isn't fair. So I'll never know what really happened, that's fine. If you've been able to resolve all of your previous relationships, kudos, you're the exception, not the rule. Read the first statement again from the post...

I found this while researching things about narcissists. If you see N it means narcississt, NP is narcissistic personality, and NS means narcississt supply but for the most part, these ideas apply regardless of if you're dealing with one or not.. enjoy.. Excerpts taken from link removed

Thanks again for the info peeps. The more I thought about it, the more I came to think it's just because the last time I was in a romantic situation like that, it was with my ex so it's natural that my ex might come to mind while on a date with someone else. And given enough time, it will pass. I seem to remember this happening with a girl I dated a few years ago. I had broken up with someone that had the same traits as my recent ex and when I started dating the new girl, feelings and thoughts started to bubble up from the previous relationship during dates with the new one. They didn't last long and soon, were gone. I don't believe I'm rebounding. Honestly, I have written off my relationship with my ex. The only thing I truly mourned was the loss of the friendship. There wasn't enough time to build a foundation for anything more because my ex destroyed it as fast as we built it. But as so many of you put so elequently, a real friend would not have been as brazen as she was to me.

I haven't spoken with my ex since our breakup 6 weeks ago. I had been talking with a new girl and we went out for the first time today. Ever since I started talking to this girl a couple weeks ago, I would notice that when I was talking to her, my ex never crossed my mind. I loved that. Well, two hours into our date tonight, I don't know why, but the thought of my ex came rushing back to me and it was something I was afraid was going to blow the date. I was all smiles up till this happened and I don't know where it came from. Has this ever happened to you before? I realize that 6 weeks isn't much time but I honestly thought that if I could make it two weeks without relapsing, I was able to go out on a few dates and it wouldn't harm anything. This worries me. After the date was over, I found myself thinking more about my ex then the girl. I didn't like that at all.

Nope, don't want to be feeding no fire. I'll think about it and take care of it this weekend. I don't want to drag this out any longer.

I have the ring. I took it back from her when she moved back in with me. Otherwise I would be down in SC right now suing the living **** out of her. I'm not holding her coats hostage that's a funny thought though.. poor coats. Honestly, at this point, I don't care where the coats go. Giving them to her would make her happy but I don't care about her happiness anymore. I'm apathetic to the whole thing. Maybe I'll just toss a coin, heads I drive the bloody things to her sister and drop them off, tails I donate them and get a tax writeoff.

Exactly. You tell me whatever you left is mine now, fine, it all belongs to me now. Don't call me a week later pissed that I did EXACTLY what you told me to do because you realize just how stupid of a statement it actually was.

Because I didn't give her coats back when her sister came to get her stuff, she emailed one of her friends all my personal info (my work schedule, where i park my car at the train station, what times i am home, my cell phone numbers, addressse, etc...) Aparently she really wanted the coats. I have no idea what she was planning on having this guy do but it couldn't have been anything good. I was heartbroken. This girl had been my good friend for 7 years and this is how she wants it to end?? sigh... As for the engagement ring that she took off with, it turns out the day after I asked her to leave, she called 3 diamond brokers to try and sell it. The whole while we were apart she maintained she had no idea where it was. When I met her friends out one night, they told me how she WORE the thing, and talked about it like it was a prize. The first thing I did when we got back together is put it in the box and hide the bloody thing. Not to mention the guy that she shacked up while she was gone that two weeks with she ended up sleeping with a couple days before we got back together, then told me about it few days after we were together. I don't feel like I owe her anything. I know I don't. I didn't buy her these jackets either. She brought them with when she moved in. I'm not taking back something I bought, I'm simply trying to decide what to do with something else that she abondoned and is now just wasting space in my house. Yes, she told me to do what I wanted with them. If SHE wanted me to keep them till she could recover them, all she had to do was email me or text me. No, she's emailing me and texting me how much better the sex is with this new guy and how glad she left me. Not that she wants me to hold on to her coats.

Actually, I did this with some of the things like our engagement photos and other things that I KNEW I was going to get rid of without regret. The problem was, I burned so much, my poor lawn caught fire and I had to hose it down. I had a great laugh about it. As for not doing something I would regret, yea, I agree. That's why I waited as long as I did to handle the coat issue. I didn't want to make a rash decision and end up regretting it. I knew one week of her being gone, and me still feeling like ****, I was NOT giving her the coats. She said they were mine and I was going to wait to decide what to do with them because of the dollar value on them. You tell me everything is mine now? Great. Here's a picture of my ex before you wearing your coat. She liked the one you wore the night you two met so I gave it to her.. yea, that would be nice, but I wouldn't do it. I'm not interested in inviting more drama to this train wreck.

While I would LOVE to COD a monster package to her, I have not contacted her since she left me for her 'friend'. I don't know anything about her or him other then the state they live in. If I do give the coats back, I will just call her sister and arrange for a time that I can come over and drop them off. I need to head out in that direction soon anyways so I can kill two birds with one stone. The note idea though.... that can be done regardless. They will more then likely just get tossed without being read by her sister. Sigh...

Well, I've finally gotten to the point where I am ready to deal with the last items that my ex left at the house when she left. But, I'm not entirely sure what to do, hence this post. When my ex just up and took off and then called me from the airport, she said she didn't want anything that she left at the house. She said I could do whatever I wanted with what was left. Fast forward a week, her sister comes over to check out what was left, and her sister told me that my ex had called her and asked her to get a few important things that she left. Her organizer, her photo album of her previous ex, and all her coats. I told her that all that stuff was gone. Her sister was okay with that. Her sister left, called my ex, told her the stuff was gone and a whole whirlwind of hate came my way from my ex. Aparently she didn't think I would hold her to her word. You tell me you don't want it?? Fine, to garbage/goodwill/whatever it goes. Well, to be honest now, I did throw out everything BUT the coats. I just couldn't do it. They are very nice coats and I'm sort of torn what to do with them. There's about 10 of them, some full length leather, etc... I had a feeling she would ask for them back but I don't know what to do. There is NO way she would legally come after me for the coats. Just take my word on that. My heart says "Man, you don't need to be vengefull for what she did to you, just give the coats back and be on your way" but my brain says "Dude, you're $18,000 dollars in debt because of this woman, do NOT give her the coats back. She said you could do whatever you want with them, so sell them or give them away but do NOT give them to her". I am torn. I don't want the bad karma of giving them away but then again I don't want to give them back either. Sigh, what would you all do in this situation?

My ex had a yahoo account and I waited a few days after the breakup before I removed it. The thing about yahoo is once you delete them, you can't add them back without them authorizing you so I knew once I did it, she was gone. I don't know if she's removed me but I don't care either way. Seeing her name popup during the day was becoming painful so I decided removing her was best. I would do it again if I had the chance.

Tell you what, I fly over there and take you out myself. Tell him NO WAY. That is such a bad idea lion lady person. Please don't fall for it.

My reasons: - She emotionally cheated on me almost daily (who knows if it was more then emotional) - She constantly lied and wouldn't tell the truth until I had hard evidence to prove she was lying and it was always the same excuse "i knew how you would react". I always felt like I was on a witch hunt to find the next lie. - I just plain didn't trust the woman any further then I could throw her Her reasons: - I was a controlling and emotionaly abusive. - I was constantly making her feel belittled. - She wasn't happy with her life, job, or fiance so it was time to start over with someone new.

Hey mr red mage. I'm sure you won't be surprised to tell you that I'll bet MOST of the people here want to stop thinking about their ex's. Now, I could be wrong here, but I seriously don't think we have any control over our emotions. None. The only control we have is the control over wether we allow our emotions to control us. Does that make sense. The are there, they are always there, but it's in our power to either rule them or allow them to rule us. My therapist said the only place he knows that emotions should be allowed to run free is in between the sheets. Everywhere else, we need to make sure we are doing our best to keep them in check. Embrace the feelings, don't fight them. The more you fight the whole thing, the worse it's going to get. Have a good cry, or several good cries and soon you will notice that while the emotions are still there, you aren't dwelling on them, giving them control over you. Make sense?

I never said HE said it, what I said was I wouldn't agree to it. Which is what he did. Honestly lovelynns, I'm not trying to be bitter just honest. When the relationship gets to the point where a break or breakup happens, it's usually about the time you should walk away. That's why breaks and breakups should never be done in haste, because the effects are permanent. I don't think anyone here is advocating rebounding, what we are trying to say is it's best if you just move on as if it IS over beacause most likely it is. No relationship is EVER the same once a break occurs.

Yep, I second this. I'm assuming robo is a man, so coming from two men, definitely get out there and play the field if you have it in you. I wouldn't ever tell a woman that I truly loved I think it's a good idea for us to stop talking and do whatever we want for two months. This is and of itself should be a red flag the size of texas for you.

Well sir, this is where you and I have something in common. I also had a friendship with my ex; it had lasted 8 years. I didn't want that to end after we broke up. However, I kept struggling with myself because I couldn't convince myself to let he be my friend again. Depending on the time of the day, I would say different things. That's a pretty good sign I shouldn't be thinking about it yet. I told mr therapist that part of me didn't want to be her friend anymore because if I did resume the friendship with her, I felt like it would be like I was saying to her "It's okay that you lied and did all those horrible things to me, I don't mind." My therapist said "So? Are you trying to teach her a lesson by staying away and expelling her from your life?" to which I replied "Well, it's something I was thinking about." So he puts his notepad down, and looks at me with a serious look and says "[my name], do you HONESTLY think that if you don't talk to her ever again she's going to learn any lesson? Of course not. If a friendship is something you really want with her, go for it. Remember, this isn't about what she wants or what she deserves anymore, it's about what YOU want and what YOU deserve. Just be sure to keep that woman at arms length so she doesn't put you through the wringer again." Evil therapist. But he was right, at least for my situation. So what am I going to do? Don't know yet. I'm not worried about it either.

red, just carry around mace and everytime they tell you something, mace them. that'll get them to stop (or call the cops on you)

No worries man, we're all here going through the same thing. I myself have the same inclinations as you. I need to be reminded myself. Just hold on Mage and if you need to rant, go for it.

Yep, I second this.

Well, if you want to lose your access to the email, which seems to be keeping you entertained, I wouldn't say anything first.

Up until your second message, notice how all you said was want want want. Mage, you want her, and that's understandable and perfectly normal. But you don't need her.