gaiden

im on day 11 of NC and believe me, it's really pissing my ex off. that's not the reason i'm doing it, but it is a nice bonus. back on day 9, my ex emailed me some very bitter things. i SOOOO wanted to write up a message and slam her back. i opened up word, started to type it, changed it, re-wrote, edited it, re-wrote it again, and moved stuff all around, viola! I was done... before i knew it, it resembled nothing like the original message. i looked over at the clock and FOUR hours had passed. i said to myself, holy cr*p, that was a complete waste of four hours. i closed word, without saving, and turned off the computer. save yourself the grief and draft up your letter, save it for yourself if you must, but dont send it. it almost NEVER has the effect any of us hope for.

This is probably the best answer I've heard as to what's going on. She is used to having control in every realationship she has been in. When she tried to use sex as a method of control in our realtionship, I told her it wasn't going to work, my bank doesn't take sex as payment and neither do I. She wanted me to beg and fight to save the relationship. She left me and yet I was the one that didn't seem to care anymore, oooh did that get her goat. I felt bad for her because our friends and family watched her fight and climb herself out of the well she had fallen into (that was her life). Her life was a wreck and she was impressing everyone around her with the progress she had made.... only to walk herself right off a cliff. You can only watch a person do this to themselves so many times before you have to turn away. And for me, turning away was/is the heardest part.

I don't think she will be bothering me for awhile after what just happened. The police called me back this afternoon to tell me they were finally able to get my ex on the phone (they had been calling since Friday). I said thank you for talking to her and hung up. Right after I got off the phone with them, I logged into our email account that she was using to send me all the nasty-grams and I watched as each email she sent me got moved to the trash, then my email address was removed from the addressbook, then the password got changed and I got booted out. I don't know what the cops said to her, but it must have scared her. God, it sucks to have a relationship with a fiance get so bad the police have to get involved. I'm going to miss the good times, and there were plenty. It's too bad that it had to end on this very bitter note.

Yea, leaving the state without prior contact of the probation dude is a big nono. They said the won't extricate her for it, but they will have a bench warrent issued for her and the next time she gets in trouble for anything, its an instant 30 days in county jail. As well as the fact she now has to go all the way back to the state where she go her DUI and explain, yet again, since this is violation #2, why she did what she did. She is very, very, screwed.

What I can't figure out is if SHE'S the one who left, she's the one who decided this wasn't her bag, why can't she just stay gone? I mean, boil it down, what kind of person breaks up with someone, waits a week, then starts to berate the person she just left? I could see how I was the one sending all the message etc... trying to hurt her back for dumping me, but uh, it's not that way at all. She dumped me, and now, she's the one attacking??? something isn't right with this.

I have posted on here a few times regarding the recent break up of me and my ex fiance. People kept telling me I dodged a bullet and it was for the best that she left but let me tell you, it hasn't gotten any easier. It's only gotten worse. The short version of my two very long threads is that we dated, got engaged, broke up, got back together (which lasted a whole two weeks), then she finally ended it last week by flying out of state to live with another man. All of this happened within the span of 8 months. This woman will NOT leave me alone. Ever since her sister came to pick through what she had left at my place, I have been getting bitter IM's, emails, voicemails, and now text messages every other day. They always follow the same pattern, she starts by telling me she hates me or regrets us, then tries to poke my ego by talking about how her man can pleasure her for hours or how solid of a body he has so she isn't disgusted with him like she was with me, then ends it with something completely unexpected, like hope all is well with you. She's trying to punch my buttons to get me to blow up at her, so she can validate why she did what she did to me. So she can say "See, he was a jerk, I'm glad I left him". I'm not going to participate in this. I haven't returned any of her calls or messages. When I said goodbye when she called me from the airport, I meant GOODBYE. I finally gave up, and Friday, I filed a harrasment complaint against her at my local police station. I asked the police officer to call her and tell her what I did so she would go away. Yea, alot of good that did... Sunday comes around and yep, there's another text message waiting for me on my phone from her. I said enough is enough. Today and called her probation officer (she was on probation for a DUI) and told him what happened and he said from what I had told him, it sounds like she's violated her probation at least three different ways so far. She's going to end up going to jail.. and she's just so damn crazy or whatever she is that she doesn't even relialize it. I have a friend looking at what it will take to get a restraining order on her. And wouldn't you know it, _I_ feel bad. After all this, and _I_ still feel bad for having to do this. This girl is lost and confused and she's getting herself into some very deep trouble. I didn't want to call her her prob. officer; odds are very good now that she's going to end up in jail now. Why does she feel the need after leaving me to keep trying to make me feel bad? She's gone, why can't she just stay gone? This is taking up far too much of my time and energy.

Ug, today is a rough day. Thursday, her sister came over to get the remainder of my ex's things. I take her upstairs, show her whats left in the closet and she tells me that she talked to my ex on the way over (ouch) and my ex wanted her sister to grab her day planner and a few other important items that she left. I tell her sister I tossed it all. Then she asks about all my ex's coats. I tell her I donated them all. I told her sister all my ex and I agreed to was that I would leave the clothes in the closet for her sister to pick through, everything else was getting tossed/donated and my ex told me she was fine with that because she didn't want anything that she left here anyways. I said if my ex had changed her mind, someone should have called me. Trash day was Tuesday, so I told her sister if she would have showed up on Monday, when she said she was going to, she would have gotten everything. Her sister said she didn't care, she was just doing her sister a favor and leaves. No more then two minutes or so pass and my cell starts ringing... it was my ex, whom I haven't heard from since she had left the previous week. I didn't answer it, but she left me a nice little voice mail... "Hey *******, you're supposed to give my sister the coats! You weren't supposed to get rid of those. She called me up and she wanted those coats. That's the only reason... That's ALL I wanted you to do, was give those to her. ...cause SHE wanted those Thank you" The next day, Friday, one week now after my ex had left me, I was at work and I got an IM on my computer from my ex. She spouts off about how she hates me and regrets getting together with me. She said she "climbs in bed with a georgeous man with a hard body every night now that could please her for hours." blah blah blah then ends it with "Well enjoy your life as alone as could be and do not worrie, i'll get my own punishment for the way things happened, but i don't hurt and i am happy." She tried sending the same message to my 3 email addresses but those I DID block. Sigh... I've not contacted her in any way. I didn't return her call, I didn't answer her im's... why can't she just walk away like she did a week ago and STAY gone. I can't deal with her craziness anymore. Obviously she isn't 'happy'. She's angry, and she's just trying to justify what she did to make herself feel better. Even as bad as the situation is, im still hurting and these types of communications make it worse

Well, for me, when my ex's sister was in route to my place to pick up the rest of what my ex had left at my house, I decided to have a few beers. I knew my ex wouldn't be with her, but I still wanted to take the wicked edge off that was building up as I knew her sister was on her way. On the really bad nights, I might have a couple beers because I know it will take the edge off and make the night much smoother. I know drinking, at least in that small of an amount, won't increase my temptation to call my ex. Anything more or harder then beer though, and I know at this point, I would probobly make some stupid mistake like emailing, text messaging or the likes. If drinking has no effect on your emotions, then I am assuming you are only drinking because you like whatever it is that you are drinking. You are the best judge of your own reactions to this situation.

This is good isn't it? I wish I would have found this sooner! This is ~33 minutes of pure truth... with a touch of God. I had gotten so much help from people here I wanted to to help you all back, good luck everyone I'm going to laugh when I start seeing people change their tag lines to something from here... Go Pastor Nathaniel Bronner!

link removed I haven't seen it posted here, and I believe this is an INVALUABLE resource, it's free, so I am posting it here. It's an mp3 of a sermon. Now, I don't go to church, short of easter and christmas, but believe me when I say this, listen to it. All of it. As I'm sure you'll see from the followup posts, you will see just how powerfull the mp3 is. So many times I've read things here, even my own posts, from failed relationships and I realized just how appropriate this sermon is. Listening to this over and over again when depression sets in really helps. Just give it a listen... and -- Let them go....

DN: Yes, she will continue to do this. She's learned from past experiences that she can use her charm and body to get anything she wants and there always seems to be another 'me' waiting to take her in and get burned. avman: Guy, you warned me, as did my friends and family, even HER friends warned me. They said watch out, we've known her a long time and you're a nice guy, just be careful with her. Of course I had on those nice rose colored glasses and refused to acknoledge just how bad things really were because I was hoping that with love and patience, anything was possible. I am so glad that a marriage or children didn't get added to fun bag that was already our relationship. Annie24: Actually, I was better friends with her sister, who is 23 now, then I was with my ex (who is 26). Even now I get hints from her sister that she was jealous that my ex got me and she didn't. I guess you never know what could happen. Oh I could see it now, my ex would flip her lid if that happened. Haha, that actually puts a smile on my face. Seriously though, if that happened it would be because I really was interested in her sister, and not to exact revenge on the cold witch for what she did to me. I said it earlier, but, I think deep down inside I saw my ex changing and taking steps to be more along the lines of the woman I had been looking for. Aparently though, it was just another one of her phases and in the end, she decided that the route she wanted to go was the life that she had when she was in florida, the one that her friend in SC now has, and that's the life of no boundries, restrictions, or rules. She just wans to party and sleep her way around... aparently growing up isn't in her agenda anymore. And that my friends, is not what I am looking for in my significant other.

From the conversation we had while she was at the airport, my ex had said that her sister will take care of whatever needs to be done with the items that are left. The ex said that there were a few items of value that her sister/grandmother wanted back (photo albums, a few books, etc...). After her sister gets those items, she can then take any clothing that she wants for herself and then I can do whatever I want with the rest. My ex isn't interested in anything she didn't take with her. So I guess after her sister leaves on Monday, I can box up the rest, drop it off at the salvation depot, and get on with my life. I talked with her grandmother today and she said that my ex hasn't called yet and she doesn't plan on her calling for "some time", something along the lines of 6 months or so. Her grandmother is very angry about what happened and she said she knows my ex wont call because she wouldn't be able to handle what her grandmother would say to her. Her grandmother said this has happened before and they have given up trying to help someone that clearly doesn't seem to want to help themselves. She said my ex is doing the exact same things that her mother did when she was that age and they have pretty much washed their hands of the whole issue. She hasn't tried to reach me yet, but I'm sure she will be. I'm not taking her calls, pages, text messages, email, or instant messages. This chapter closes Monday, and it can't come too soon ](*,)

Changing my number wouldn't do much good because she has my work number and work cell phone as well, I can't get those changed. Plus, I've had this number 10 years now. I am definitely trying to keep myself busy and around friends family during this. I just told my brother I have no idea how I handled the weekends when I was single, I'm bored out of my mind. Something I realizeed though is that I have been single for much longer then I have been involved. It's just a matter of shifting. We usually have to shift our ways and sometimes priorities when we get involved and we have to do it all over again in reverse when we return to being single again. It's just so much more painful in reverse

No, a third time would just scream masochistic. I am not a glutton for punishment. I tried, twice, and it didn't work, the message is pretty clear. The hardest part is KNOWING it's over. I've known her long enough to know that while the man may change, the situation never does. I am the fourth guy she has done this to, and her guy in SC will be the fifth. It's not a matter of if she will, just when. She went to SC with nothing, no money, no personal posesstions, nothing. She will leech off this guy until he starts to see the same thing all us other ex's have seen, and she will be back looking for another place to go. And when that happens, she'll be calling me up.

It is my place, her name isn't on the lease. As for her grandmother getting involved, our families have always been very close. I've known her grandmother as long as I've known her, 8 years now. Her grandmother and I have talked throughout the years and I think her grandmother is more talking to me to help me cope with this, she's not trying to be nosey. When my ex called and told her the first time we split, her grandmother simply responded with two things. She was disappointed in my ex for doing what she did and the second was that everything that my ex was saying about me didn't sound like me at all. Her grandmother, I think, is just interested in both sides. She's known me long enough to know that this is not easy. It was my first engagement, and after my ex did what she did, she just wants to make sure I am okay.

She asked me to hold on to it since she said she wasn't planning on staying in SC. I told her she was in no posistion to be asking things like that. I told her I would have her sister come over, check what was left, take what she wanted, and I was going to get rid of the rest. Her sister is coming over Monday night to peruse the things that are left. Her grandmother, which is who raised my g/f, called me and wanted me to talk to her today about what all happened. She is extreemly concearned about me and what my g/f did.

An update... I got the ring back without having to go the legal route. We talked and decided to slowly try to work it out. She moved back in and things were actually looking better then the first time around. Then yesterday happened. It was business as usual, in the morning, she dropped me off at the train I take to work and she left to head home and get herself ready to go to work. Two hours later, I'm at work, and I'm getting a phone call from my friend who runs the coffee shop at my train station by my house. He told me my car was in the parking lot and he had my keys. I asked him how that was possible as my g/f had it and she should be at work by now. He told me she came by, dragging a suitcase behind her, and told her she was flying to go stay with her sister in South Carolina. Then gave him the keys, told him all the flight info, and got on the train (which takes her to the airport) I was shocked. It felt like a dream, there was no way this could really be happening. She doesn't have a sister in SC, she has a guy 'friend' there, that's it. I hung up with him, tried to call her to no avail. Then I called her sister and asked if she knew anything about what was going on. Her sister said that she had called about an hour ago and told her she didn't want to be in a realtionship anymore. She said she was going to SC and would tell her more later. I told her sister this was crazy, she agreed, and I hung up and tried to call my g/f again. Her cell was going straight to voice mail so I just stopped trying to call. Then my g/f called me. She called me from the airport. I asked how this all happened and she said on the way home from dropping me off at the train, her friend from SC called and said he knew how unhappy she was with her life right now and she needed a change so he bought her a ticket and the flight was at noon. He asked if she would go and she said yes. I asked her if she was serious about this and if she really planned on getting on the plane. She said she didn't know but by the end of the conversation, she said she yes, she was. She said she had to go because the plane was starting to board and I haven't heard from her since. I left work, came home, checked to make sure nothing was missing that shouldnt be. She left 90% of her things. She only took one suitcase and that amounted to about 5 outfits, a few pairs of shoes, and her laptop. She left everything else here. She clearly has no idea what she really wants. I think she's got some very serious issues with 'the grass is green on the other side' among other things. I am still dumbfounded how she could just up, leave just about everything she owns, abandon me, abandon her job, and just leave. She worked so hard to get her job, was about to be promoted, and things were going so well with us, and yet, she just threw it all away. I guess I am lucky. I have the ring, nothing is missing, and what appears to be a toxic relationship is now over. Now comes the healing process all over again.

I see where you are coming from DN but don't you think that saying something like that after the first sign from her that she wants to work on this would be pushing it? I'm thinking it would come accross that I'm more interested in the ring then us, which is not the case. I'm not saying I'm not going to bring the situation with the ring up during our talk tomorrow, I will, but issuing an ultamatum before we even sit down to talk seems it would do more damage then good. As for can I trust her Hope75, I think for this first meeting since the break, I should go with a poitive attitude. Going in bitter or jaded will do nothing but make her regret deciding to sit down and talk with me. If you have friends that are depressing to hang out with, odds are you don't hang out with them very much... who wants to be depressed or sad? She knows how I feel, I've made it clear to her where I stand, and if she still wants to sit down and talk about us to try and make it work, why would I go in with a negative attitude? I've spent the better part of the last two months assuming the worst about things between us which was a big reason why we are in the situation we are right now.

Meh, she called today and text messaged me twice that she loved me and missed me. She wants to meet Tuesday to talk. She said she only sees this as a break, not a break up and wants to work things out. Do you think I should handle this any differently?

As you said, NC isn't a tool to get your ex back, it's a tool to help you collect your thoughts and heal. As for my own success, NC has had limited success in bringing back lost ones but it alone won't save a relationship.

Okay, I understand. Thank you all for your advice in the matter. The longer this game was getting played out, the more I was starting to see it for what it really was.

That's why I posted the situation here. I'm seeing what looks like promising moves. I could be way off base though, I'm still emotional about the whole thing. I have portrayed her as a user. She wasn't really that bad, but it was an issue that we had resolved a few weeks before this all happened. The only issue, albiet a big one, was the trust one. I'm a very biased since im on the side I am. I won't consider getting back together without adressing the trust issue. But I'm asking about the two weeks because I don't want to jump the gun and ruin it. I know I can hold on for two weeks, if that's what it takes. I was hoping a woman would be able to tell me what if anything her responses meant. If her actions are clear as a bell to other females, please, let me know. I'm very poor in that realm. As far as the guy she moved in with goes, it's a long time friend that I can safely say she would never get involved with. It's her best friends brother and he's just helping her out because her best friend asked him to. I've made hasty decisions before when it comes to relationships, I don't want this to be one of them. I don't know what to think about the ring. It really does make her look bad, as if she stole it but giving her the benefit of the doubt, which she may or may not deserve from what's all happened, she really may NOT know where it is. I need to stop assuming the worst, that's what got me here to begin with. Noone knows why or IF she even has it but her. I'm just trying to be honest, not blind. Noone knows but her. She's never been engaged before. She had her grandmother helping her pick out wedding dresses. She had my sister helping to pick out reception halls. My family at all levels has been involved in this. She's a close friend of the family like I said, I really don't think I'm just being hung out to dry.

So before I do what I'm about to do, you all don't think I should just wait the two weeks and see what happens?

yea, it was a 10 grand engagement ring. and thanks for the info, when the sad feelings started to recind, all that's left is the truth. And that's I've been taken for quite a ride

I had posted my story in break ups but seeing as how things have progressed, It seems that I should be looking here for answers to some questions that I have. The break-up story can be found here It’s been two weeks now since the break. She’s already found a friend with a new house that he just built (his fiancé skipped out on him) and he let her move in. He’s lending her his spare car so she can get to work, and giving her grace on the first two months of rent because she has very little money. Convenient eah? She loves the house and the fact that she has her ‘own’ car if you will. All her friends are nearby to where she is now (50 miles from me) and she’s seeing them more frequently so she’s appeared to be on cloud nine. Or so I thought. We had a two hour talk last night where we just talked about what was going on in each others lives. Then she started talking about us and how much she missed things here. I told her about a bunch of things that I was doing in the upcoming days. She couldn’t believe I had so much going on. She was interested in going with me to one of the events but she was slated to work that day and rather then me changing my plans to suit her, I said we’d just have to get together some other time. She got jealous when I said I was going out with the neighbors and a few of their friends this upcoming Monday. She said “Oh, she’s probably going hook you up with one of her friends eah? Nice to know I’ve been abstinent for nothing….” She already knows that I won’t be her friend. I told her that we can either work on this, as slow as it needs to be to fix it, or we can go our separate ways, but not friends, I know it’s not in me to do that. I’m struggling with a couple issues. The first is how long it’s taking to actually tell me what’s going on. We’ve only been together 4 months, so her taking two weeks and still not knowing 1) if she wants to work this out or 2) where a 10k diamond engagement ring is very stressful. I realize only 2 weeks isn't a long time, especially after reading all the posts on here... but we were only together for 4 months. From what I’ve read here, most woman on the site say that when a woman says she needs time and space, it’s because they have lost interest in being with you. My friend says the only way I’m getting that ring back from her is by getting her back … or taking her to court. She’s not going to give it to me because to her, it’s all that’s left of what was between us. Then again, he said, she might have been really pissed when I threw her out and she just hocked it, you’ll never know. Is it possible that the mere fact we are still talking and she’s showing interest in hanging out with me knowing I won't be her her friend her way of saying she wants to work this out? My friends have told me that if she really didn’t want anything to do with me, she would just NC me. I don’t want to just come out and ask her because I’m afraid of applying any pressure what-so-ever to an already delicate situation. Then again, I don't want this to turn in to a she's getting her cake and eating it too. I've been patient with a lot of things during the 6 months she's lived with me and perhaps me putting my foot down might just be the thing that needs to be done.. since it's so uncharacteristic of me. I am on vacation right now. I'll be on it for the next two weeks. I'm not going anywhere, just taking some time to relax and enjoy the weather. I said to myself that if I still feel left in the wings at the end and the ring is still missing, when I get off vacation, I would just say enough is enough, get a lawyer, and get the ring (or its value) back that way. Perhaps a bit too aggressive? What should I do?