Batya33

I'm actually not clear on whether the bf is still in the picture - OP did you ask her this?

It depends on his job and employer and whether he risks a bad review or worse if he's not awake and alert for work.

She's enjoying the attention and drama and doesn't give a darn about flaking on you - so rude. In my quest to make new friends I've encountered more garden variety flakes "we should meet for coffee!" - I respond with suggestions. Nothing. Three weeks later -"we should meet for coffee" and not wanting to be that pedantic with "well ball is in your court" I finesse it and get a lame response like "oh right we were both busy" (not true). I won't chase. The end. I won't suffer flakes -I give a chance even two if there's a true emergency -that's not flaking- but working 8-12 hours a day in a new role? Please. You're describing many people particularly in your age group. Somehow they find time to date/socialize/make plans. If they wish to. She doesn't really wish to. So move on.

Why did you schedule such an early flight -is it an emergency? If he cannot go back to sleep (I most likely wouldn't be able to) and knows he has to be particularly alert for his job that day then I totally understand him saying no. I work from home mostly too and if I have disrupted sleep like from my child it hampers my work performance especially if I have detail oriented and/or real brain work that day. My husband works late nights -his best working time -and sleeps in -a few weeks ago the school told us the night before they wanted us to meet at 7:30am (school starts 8:30am) about a situation involving my son that was really stressful (because of the situation not because of anything my son did wrong). I honestly was so tempted to ask my husband to come with for emotional support. And I knew it would wreck him for the day -he gets headaches, etc and worse if his sleep is disrupted. He would have come. But I told him - I got this -that is the sacrifice I made -I sacrificed so he could get his needed sleep and feel ok including to do his job. So on the flip side -why are you asking your boyfriend to risk being able to focus on his job for a day because you have a 4am flight? Yes, if an emergency flight -especially if heaven forbid had to do with family emergency -then I could see it -but look at it from his perspective too. Take a car service/uber.

Again -be super careful if you want to be a mom and you are this prone to "my friend keeps convincing me to____" - quite often well-meaning and not so well-meaning "friends" will try to "convince you" to make certain parenting decisions. And if you want to be a good parent you have to be really strong and stick to your values and choices and balance when to accept unsolicited advice if at all and who to seek advice from and how to evaluate that -from a position of Mama Bear Strength. JMHO. Time to get over this nonsense (I agree with how Tinydance put it, above- pretending I cut and paste it here) and be your own person. I'd also try to avoid the mindset of "my level" unless you're going to relocate to a place focused on some sort of social hierarchy. Someone who chooses not to take a higher paying job, or any job, someone who chooses not to buy a private home or plan a big flashy party/parties as part of a wedding ceremony - simply is making different choices that would not be compatible for you in a marriage/LTR. Doesn't have to do with levels since perhaps that person would judge you (as you are judging them) as not being on their level spiritually or having the depth they're looking for. That might be a wrong judgment but the whole level thing might start to smell bad to prospective suitors.

Settling is worse than being alone. Signed - a woman with a LOUD clock who refused to settle despite a number of opportunities with really good guys -Mr. Rights on Paper/Not Right For Me - and married and gave birth at 42 -wasn't easy (the latter) but no regrets at being "still single" throughout my 30s. And I mean being all alone -even if you had no friends/family etc settling is worse than being alone. You are not alone you're simply not married or in a romantic relationship at the moment. You have friends, family, etc. Keep at it!!

So when I met men through dating sites or any which way -for a first date my expectations were: hopefully we'll have a pleasant time and if we like each other and he asks me out for another date time and place then I will expect he'll show up for the next date. If he doesn't there is no next date unless and until he calls. Off the radar, bye. I kept my feet on the ground and didn't let myself go to those 'wow I'm crazy about him" places. Because I wanted to get married, not get caught up in some fantasy based on a first date and be off in la la land instead of pounding the pavement to go to another singles event or volunteer activity or religious retreat, club med resort or a blind date my cousin's friend's friend set me up on. I wasn't negative just realistic -keep your expectations in check. Dating requires a really thick skin and boy did I need that persistence in my 24 years on and off of dating until 2005. Flexibility and changes in plans are key. No it's not ok to be late and not apologize or be late or unreliable but how many times are you going to arrive at a restaurant to find out it closed early/closed for good/had a flood/is out of their signature dish, etc. How often are you going to be on vacation in a foreign country and end up wandering the streets instead of finding that historical landmark or lovely park the guide book said was a must see or that special gelato place that's supposed to be phenomenal? When you're hangry and /or jet lagged and or sleep deprived? I mean again that's life -and your flexibility is required too -if you're going to date realize that man plans and god laughs - you can have all these expectations based on a profile or your Aunt Shirley telling you what a catch her neighbor's cat sitter is, or a woman you see across a crowded room at a bar - but that's getting in your own way. Enjoy dating as much as possible and treat each date as a fun outing and your last one unless and until there's another time and place plan. Don't plan your kids' names or how you will hyphenate last names. Or not. Good luck!

When my future husband and I met after 7 years mostly apart (saw each other once during that time almost 2 years previous and emailed once or twice a year, more in the previous year) - we decided on a restaurant with a common name. Except he didn't realize there were two of the same name -different owners- about 10 blocks apart. So he arrived at our restaurant about 20 minutes late (I didn't have a cell phone in 2005 lol) and all sweaty lol (summer time/rushing....). And he's a sweaty person lol. I just thought it was the funniest thing and he was so apologetic. And did I mention sweaty? Did I care he was all rumpled and sweaty and late? No of course not - (and I didn't realize we'd be into each other again -this was a platonic dinner). He's a man with a plan that got a bit waylaid. He also had a great plan to be at the birth of his son. Is there any plan more important to any man? But, his son had other plans and decided to come early. While we were 800 miles apart. So he was there - after I got the epidural, after 15 hours of labor mostly on my own. Again -life is so full of stuff like this -what I wrote is fairly typical and -put in perspective -relatively minor (unlike when he realized he bought the wrong Disney passes and he might have to disappoint our son - again we did not have any argument about it -I did not criticize him -because relationships require humility and I am darn sure I could have made the exact same mistake and felt just as awful!) I am not always the most patient person (unlike my more patient husband) but relationships are hard enough if you're gonna sweat the small stuff. Was this the only time to walk over the bridge? I mean what the heck?? She's got issues, k? You dodged a bullet. This was her first impression stuff -wow. (And she's too old too to behave like this -my husband and I were late 30s when we got back together as a point of reference).

I'll add this. I lived with my parents through grad school so I moved out when I was 28. I don't regret it as I graduated with far fewer loans. They loved that benefit for me, too. I had NO CLUE how much moving out on my own would do for my personal growth. And it also improved my relationship with my parents - it's a whole different perspective on life and this is even though I didn't have to be concerned about affording it because I could with my job (yes I paid for everything myself -my parents insisted on taking me food and supply shopping on move in day but that was it). I believe I was a better partner and later spouse because I lived on my own for 15 years before marrying. I lived with my husband for a few months the first time we were engaged but otherwise lived alone and loved it.

True colors on second date. She sounds awful.

So is she ok with the plan for you to test what it's like to live together before committing to her? If you both are on the same page with that, cool!

I think the commute is ok pre kids. Post kids (or if there’s another caregiver situation like elderly parents )it’s far more complicated similar to if one person travels a lot for his of her job.

So the work is a compromise ? Like what “it’s ok to see her if we double date?” “It’s ok to see her in a group “? Consider if you want that dynamic with him especially long distance. And his compromise would be seeing her less ? Not one on one ? And these compromises require effort - I mean the effort we all make when making a choice - but “work?” Last night my husband was engrossed in a TV show and tired so I did the cleaning up stuff he usually does. He would have but much later which didn’t work for me. It felt like work because it was extra work. 10 minutes or so but a time of day I’m just so fried. I chose to be quiet recognizing he’d had a long day and was really enjoying his show even texting with his cousin about it. That’s kind of the work of a relationship. Give and take. But when he asked me in 2005 not to meet with a platonic male friend an hour before we all were going to meet (him meeting my male friend for the first time) I recognized that my loyalty was with him even though I didn’t quite get what the issue was. it didn’t feel like work. Or even a compromise. It simply felt like the normal way people in love navigate situations that trigger the priority of your partner over a friend even if it seems like a non issue to you. We’ve had that sort of issue exactly zero times after that one and only time. And we both have platonic friends of the opposite gender.

How about this sort of idea if it makes sense. She moves closer to you and takes a job she is now qualified for. Then you two marry and work on starting a family. She can then return to school for a relevant grad degree and also then have the opportunity to network with other professionals and perhaps do a related internship. Hopefully this will also jibe with your child or children being ready for pre school so she can return to outside work. Just one potential path.

So we started trying - long distance - a couple of months before I turned 41. So it took us 15 months but not all was constant trying. All else equal I would have loved to be in a situation where I could have started a family before late 30s because the emotional stress was really hard in a geriatric high risk pregnancy. But my essentials were to be in a happy stable married or almost married relationship. A number of my friends had their first child or twins (we have one ) in their 40s. All fine. And all else equal if you can swing it start earlier.

But what would this work look like and what specifically would you work on? Why do you think it would require "work" - if you two want to be together exclusively then it's not work to continue to choose to be together, is it? I mean I crushed on a local radio personality for awhile -never had any contact with him just had one of those fan crushes I guess. It faded and now I still like listening to him on the radio, or seeing him on TV but not in any "crush" way. Took no work. Because it shouldn't take work to want to be with your partner and choose your partner over a crush. If you mean work by working on rationalizing that you feel comfortable with his crush because your worries that all the time he spends with her is playing with fire are just "worries" and not real - then yes that's a ton of work. Unproductive work. Either you trust him or you don't and trust him to act appropriately or you don't. It's fine if you tell him "I am not comfortable with all the time you are spending with her because I think it gives her the impression you are single or looking to be single" and if he responds "you know, I didn't see it that way but you're right -it's leading her on and I want to be with you" -it's all good. And no work involved. If instead he pushes back and wants you to "work" on being more accommodating about his "friend" that is him asking you to do work not the two of you doing work. I'd be really careful about settling for a situation where it requires "work" for one person to behave consistently with being in a committed relationship which was your status quo -before he met her.

I relocated 800 miles away for my husband's career when we were 42, newlyweds and new parents (I was then a SAHM so I wasn't employed outside the home but was until after maternity leave in my home town). If it were me I'd have her relocate once you're engaged with a set wedding date. Good luck with med school! I also agree with Cherlyn.

My sense is covid forced her to slow down and sit quietly with herself and then she knew things weren't right anymore. She's using big words like "discover myself" so she doesn't bluntly say "I want to be free to socialize and potentially date others." My mom got married at age 21 and I know she discovered a lot about herself in the 62 years she was married and in the 5 years prior to that they dated/were engaged. One of my nieces is in her mid 20s and a married mom of 3 - she is also working on discovering herself right now. I married at 42 and discovered a lot about myself and didn't need to look to date others or date others to do so. She wants to be back in the swing of things socially where she can answer to no one but herself and if some cute guy catches her eye she might consider flirting/dating without feeling like she's betraying you. People of all ages and stages of life outgrow relationships, realize it's not working. I'm really sorry it hurts and avoiding contact is the best way to heal IMO.

Agree with the others. She can give love she chooses not to. But watch the feet -what she does to give love -not the lips -her sweet words/typed messages. She is ready to be with the right person so if you stay in contact you may learn in some way she is interested in dating someone else. Much better to end contact now and not have to deal with that information. I'm sorry you're disappointed. Her message is absolutely telling you to go away - "not right now" means "not right now with you" and means if she changes her mind she knows where to find you. And if you're interested and available at that right time in the vague future then you can consider it.

I am so glad we didn't live together before we got married and had a child 2.5 months after marriage -not officially living together -we spent lots of time at each other's places. Living together with a child in a 550 square foot apartment (for the first 3.5 months!) would have had nothing to do with living together without a child so I'm so glad neither of us built up expectations of what it was like to live together. And we were long distance for most of our dating time (although had dated in the past). We even had a commuter /long distance marriage for a couple of months once our son was 2 weeks old. As far as being together as a couple long enough -for a long enough stretch to have a child -I totally agree. I think since he has kids he knows what it's like to raise kids so that should help. But she does not and it will be a big change for her most likely. When we were long distance during my pregnancy it was hard going to all of the extra high risk appointments by myself (additional ultrasounds, because I was 42). Anyway, it also sounds like she wasn't so focused on her biological clock since it sounds like she didn't want to try to conceive before marriage and she was willing to delay her wedding until she could have a wedding reception and have her dad there to walk her down the aisle. Totally get priorities -but seems to me the priorities of how the wedding would be (as opposed to renewing vows/etc) trumped the baby making. Covid certainly put people in that situation to the test of what was most important for sure!

I would first see if he initiates you meeting his new best friend and how he introduces you - if he doesn't then sure you can go all territorial but his reaction is really what matters. It's a good sign he agreed to have you come visit.

I think they'll move on to the next thing soon enough. I like your "private matter" response.

Yesterday I finished the amazing novel Lucy By the Sea -it touches on some of these issues. It's also sort of part of a series by this author but it works fine as a standalone -OP I think you'd get a lot out of it and how these sorts of concerns with adult children and the pandemic can be dealt with.

I don't think it is -it's reinforcing for the OP that he is not following current science, restrictions, or guidelines and, worse, trying to impose it on his adult daughter.

Same around my city - masks for doctors. I also ask maintenance staff to wear in my home. And I wear mine too. Especially if there’s like air blowing around as they fix something. I personally wear to supermarket and I’ve gotten into habit of doing self check out - just less interaction. But I don’t ask anyone else unless there’s a rule (like doctor ) or maintenance (since it’s our home ).