james21

not because i chickened out, i just want to finish at work before i go, and i have 1 more week, so i guess next friday.

hi coppergold, can you confide in your boyfriend? he is old enough to deal with what you are going through hopefully. you're too young to be thinking about ending it, and you have friends which is one of the most important things.

i didn't explain myself very well. basically why i am doing this is because i have failed at everything- i have had enough. academically, socially, morally, athletically, in every way i have failed, and there has always been somewhere there to let me know i've failed. i used to think i was good at art, but even other people who take it up recently are better than me. i have no friends beecause i can't handle social situations, a mixture of shyness and borderline personality disorder. ive never had a proper girlfriend and i quit my job last week because of ppl taking the mick out of me. im just waiting to get old and whats the point, i never speak to my family, i think theyre embarrassed about me. they are all successful, happy, well connected, nothing like me. i have heard them saying about me in the past things like, 'how could he turn out such a failure, why doesnt he get himself a girlfrend?' i think they are right, i am basically not cut out for this life- i cant handle it at all. i really have noting to look forward to, im fed up of having a pointless, empty life. all i ever hear about is how family and love is important, well i have never loved anyone in my life and im not capable of it any more, and im not going to have a family so.. basically i am not cut out for this life- i cant handle it.

anyone got any ideas what i should do in my last week on this earth? i have quit my job and i am spending lots of money on all those things that i was too tight to do before. i may as well enjoy myself a bit. maybe i should visit a prostitute for the 1st time, spend all my savings on a porsche. just to recap, i saw this counsellor twice in the last week and she told me i didn't have any problems mentally, just that i was struggling with motivation and basically its all my own making, i'm a loser. so i've bought a book on assisted suicide and now i'm going to do myself a favour. i've tested out the method and i'm actually very relaxed about everything. next friday. i don't want to leave my workmates in the lurch. a nice bottle of wine to ease my nerves, all ready in the glove compartment of my car. hopefully i will be found by a nice dog walker or park ranger, and my family will probably all know by saturday afternoon. i feel bad for them but they'll move on after a while, i'm sure the police will break the news gently. i'm gutted im going to miss the world cup but lets face it, brazil are going to win anyway. see you later

lucky you having a beach Dako! its about -5 outside here. maybe i can put a beach as my desktop background.

thanks. the weekend isn't a great time exactly- i've got no job to take my mind off things and everyone else is out having fun. i wish i had someone to cuddle or something, its a long time since i had any. hope tuesday comes quickly.

felt really low today, drove around on my way home looking for good offing spots. i feel like i am on a collision course here. does anyone know what i mean? i have heard people say they feel calm, almost euphoric, sometimes before attempting suicide. is this true? i feel very strange definitely. hope i last to make my appointment.

i wiill just say that i don't believe that religion is true- i just don't. i have tried to cultivate a spiritual side in the past but it does not come into me. i'm not afraid of after-death consequences. as to why i'm so sad, i did say before. i am very lonely here, i have great difficulty making personal relationships. i hate the word but i would have to describe mself as a loner- not by choice but because i am totally hopeless with other human beings- people just seem to dislike me. i know i will never have a family and kids because i couldn't mentally handle marrying someone, let alone develop a strength of relationship that would need. my relatives think the same, and treat my like damaged goods- i am ot on their 'level'. i am still obsessed with this girl who too, i don't know how to get over it. i am scared i will turn into a psycho or pedofile or just a slowly decaying husk of a man. if i die now at least people will remember me as a young man and not a burden on everyone.

i said i wouldn't write again but all the posts... i haven't thrown away the stuff i got, but i should be seeing someone at the health centre- i booked an appointment. takes a week tho. what worries me is when i get these moments when soomething triggers it off badly- i see a photo or read something. i know regular ppl can't understand wanting to die, but just 2 minutes of holding your nerve and then peace forever. it is too tempting.

i spoke to a helpline before, they tell you the same thing. when you have been depressed for a number of years i think it numbs you, you stop caring about other people. which is where i am. the only thing that maters is you. i will see what happens. i don't like talking to my family, they are not interested in anything deep, refuse to acknowledge depression/suicidal thoughts. im actually quite tired of all the superficial **** i always get. maybe the afterlife will be more interesting this is my last post, whatever happens. i think these forums actually perpetuate ppls feelings. i need to think away from a pc.

i was thinking of writing a note to explain- and not make anyone else feel guilty. thing is everyone else is fine- its just my life hich is a waste of tiime. i actually wish my parents weren't here- then i wouldn't have the feeling of guilt.

i have bought the stuff i need to commit suicide- it was almost like an out of body experience doing that- very strange. i feel in control, not desperate like before, but still wanting to end it all. i don't know if i need psychological help because it all seems so right.it would be so good just to be out of all this.

i know this is thought of as a kind of a lesbian thing- but it turns me on. i haven't tried yet, my girlfriend is quite inexperienced, but i have read that it can feel amazing for her, and the person doing the act. i don't want to hurt my gf, i imagine doing it in a gentle intimate way, i mean you have to have her relaxed to get your hand in! any girls tried it?

i don't hate people over 60, i just think old age and all the deterioration with it is depressing. i have seen enough elderly relatives die in hospital, usually lonely confused and in pain. i don't want to fall apart like that. if i had kids i would not kill myself, no way, but i'm not good enough to be a parent so its not an issue. i dont feel i owe anyone anything. i have been depressed for 9 years now, a long time for someone in their mid 20's. i have chosen a quick painless exit but if i change my mind i can stop halfway through in case i'm wrong. i don't fancy blowing my brains out, quite apart from the 5 year stretch i get if i'm caught with a gun. if i lived in the US, i would definitely be dead by now, thinking about that. land of free choice!

i was studying but i am dropping out of my course but mentally i can't do it, my motivation is shot. i've tried, believe me, but then i think, oh have a drink and start tomorrow. basically i am not a nice person, when it comes down to it. this girl, sometimes i think i would be happy if i could just hold and squeeze her with both of us be lovey together, and then i imagine holding her down and giving her a beating for all the pain shes caused me. if i could get away with it i probably would. this scares me, what i could become. i can't think of any good points of myself, i'm very self centred and vain and i don't want to grow old and end up like a sad, old caricature (spelling?) of meself. and yes i'm a coward, which is probably where the violent and suicide tendencies stem from- if i can't do it why should anyone else have it. i think everyone should be euthenised at 60 and i don't care what my family think about me- i won't be here after all, the ultimate in cowardly self centredness. thats it- all in the open now. i'm here to be shot down, somebody tell me to go ahead.