alonebutnotlonely

Sounds like some people just have a SWITCH that they can turn on and off in an instant. Same thing happened to me after almost 3 years. We were like you in the taking trips, having FUN and everything that comes along with a "Good" relationship. Maybe some things are too good to be true. I do believe that we find ourselves with certain people when we need to be with them. Have you ever had a relationship that good? I had not before. A friend of mine remembers me telling her 7 years ago that in my next long-term relationship I did NOT want to fight. So, she said to me the other day that I accomplished my goal and I just thought.......WOW, she was right. I believe he was in my life to teach me what I really want- plus more. Long story short- I wanted more and he was comfortable the way it was (living together). It hurts too much to talk about sometimes, but it does get easier. What upsets me the most is now I am going to question my judgement. You said you chose to trust her- there is nothing wrong with that, but trust is earned. Maybe we both will be more cautious next time around.

Just caught up with this and WOW!!!!!!!! I am so sorry you are hurting, but that is OK. How could you spend that much time with someone and see that and not react? I think it is perfectly normal to still grieve. Someone told me that healthy grieving was 1 month for every year you were together. That allows necessary healing time but does not let it rule our feelings. FEELINGS ARE NOT FACTS!!!!!! I have a book I read daily and the other day it said "We are NEVER starting over. We are moving forward in a perfectly planned progession of lessons." I thought that was good and I thought I would pass it along to you.

I understand the ego thing and the head/heart thing. It is a GRIEF process and it is OK to hurt and cry. Tears cleanse the soul. For me, it has been almost 2 months since we broke up-we have talked one time- and some days I am happy and some are really, really hard. At least, you are reaching out. These posts have gotten me through some rough days and nights. It is so helpful to have people who don't know you but understand what you are feeling and I do. Sometimes, it is hard NOT to ask Why is this happening to me, but I do believe it makes us stronger and more determined not to settle. Don't feel stupid for following your heart and giving him so much. Know you did everything because you loved him and that's that. You should hold your head high and know that one day he will tire of that needy, clingy personality. That, my friend, I can say has been my experience. . So, see, we never know what life has in store for us-so your quote "love life'' is so true.

I love the "Footprints in the Sand" and always have, but you just reminded me again. I do believe that God has a plan but it is not necessarily MY plan. Big Syke, you are fortunate to realize that 1. There is a God and 2. You believe. It doesn't always have to do with religion. You were right when you said it is about you and your life. God will do for you what you cannot do for yourself. We all have to willing participants in this thing called life. It IS worth living!!!!!!!!!!

I think you did the right thing, too. I think we do things like stand up for ourselves- when we are ready, and you were ready. You know what you want now in a relationship and are willing to go to any length to get it. Even if it means being single. At least you don't have to "play the game" anymore. I can't stand the "push me, pull me" thing. I just ended a long term, live in relationship and it does SUCK!!!!!! There is a LOT to be said for NC. I, finally, BELIEVE now from my head to the tips of my toes that I deserve more and better. I do want it all and I think you do too. Stay strong in your decision- It could be a while before he "knows"- so don't stop living life. A wise lady once told me "As soon as you say HELLO- You are In it" I try to remember that ALOT!!!!!!!!!!! Take Care of yourself

This lady told me along time ago that FEELINGS ARE NOT FACTS- they are just feelings and they will pass. The hurt turns to anger, to guilt, to shame, to anger again, to hopeless, and so forth. I am going through the same thing right now and I am 34. Life is a series of lessons and experiences. Enjoy all of them- hurtful or not, because we grow through pain. I do try to be grateful for ALL that life and love have to offer. You are so young and I am so proud that you are reaching out for help. I just learned of this website a few weeks ago. There is a lot of wisdom and knowledge and opinions here. And this is my opinion only. Take What You Like and Leave the Rest. Good Luck to you and keep talking about it. When you reach out to 1 person it splits your problem in half. So reach out and be proud you don't have to hold it all in.

Thanks Fides- Indeed, it will be some time- a LOT of time- before I think of even a date. I am going to take this time to do for me. You know, I have, in the past, thought I NEEDED a man. In fact, that is so far from the truth. I have stood on my feet before and will do it again. Yeah, it seems flakey to me too. His Mom ( crazy as she is) said he loved me enough to let me go to find a husband. Isn't that funny? Whatever. I think ALL of them missed the point. No wonder he is so messed up!!!!!!!!!! It is hard to change what you learned growing up but it is possible if you are willing.

Hey, It is me. I just saw where these new posts were up. Thank you to everyone who responded. Update: I got the e-mail last Wed. Still nothing!!!!!! Now, I am starting to get a good perspective of where I stood in this relationship. I am so sick of hearing from his family and friends how he was hurt so bad in his 6 month marriage. It has been 5 years ago. Live in the past or get on with your future. I have been told also that how I brought it up was not right and I agree, but,fact is, even if you are in the heat of the moment discussion, you don't punish the other person for being angry. Hell, Why do I want to be a common law wife? I deserve it all and if not from him then someday maybe I'll get it. Like I said I never thought I would even think of marrying again until this relationship. What the hell have we been doing for the last 2 years anyway. Playing HOUSE and all that that entails. He knew over the summer how I felt and never gave me an answer only a hug and an I Love You! This was not the first time he heard the word marriage. It was like the "Pink Elephant" if you know what I am talking about. OH, it was there, but you dare did not talk about it and it got the best of me. I am glad I didn't wait until he finished school 2 years from now and then brought it up. As you can tell, I am getting to that anger part of the grief process. I feel very used and disrespected!!!!!!! I want to feel all these feelings. My biggest challenge is to not let them take over. I am not going to die over a broken heart. I feel like I will only be stronger. You know, we don't GROW when things are good- only through pain!!!!!

I know what you are feeling. I heard this lady say the other day that "I don't have to like the situation, I just need to like myself in it." That means if I am doing something stupid like trying to control the outcome then I am only hurting myself in the long run. I will drive myself crazy trying to figure it all out. I am going through the same thing and it Sucks. This helps- writing it down- you know, it's like writing them a letter and letting it all out without ever having to send it. Detachment works!!!!! Physically, mentally, and emotionally- sounds crazy but it seems like the more we go on with life the better we are and the better we are going to get.

Thanks Melrich and DN I just received an e-mail from him saying that he needed a few days to get back to me because he is sick and finishing his last week of school( he is changing careers too). He said he was stressed and didn't want to take it out on me. So, yes, indeed, we need to talk calmly and objectively. One of my friends said he is not thinking- he is just doing. He watched his parents marriage fail and then his failed too. Yes, he is scared and rightfully so. H*ll I am too. Forever is a long time. I know my life feels like it as a hole in it. Not that it was filled up with him but he definitely added to it. All I was saying was that I didn't think I could meet anyone else who I would rather grow old with!

Annie24- You said I had had uneasy feelings for months and trust your gut. I have this place on my arm that we call my stress-o-meter and I also have stress-induced asthma. That place on my arm had been coming up about every 2-3 weeks since August and I was using my inhaler on a regular basis. Since he left I have had no place on my arm and have yet to need the inhaler. I guess I was that scared to talk to him. I am 34 and have had lots of relationships-however, none like this. Sure I blew up but somebody said he didn't do conflict well and would have probably left at some other life changing moment. I can't wait to tell him that how it all came out was so wrong. I am the first to admit mistakes- I know what that does for you in the long run. But, at the time, he couldn't talk to me nor I him. I think we both needed or still need to get some clear thinking.

We had had this same "are we on the same path" talk over the summer. He couldn't answer me but said he loved me and gave me a big hug. So when this came up, I was in shock and didn't know what to say. He told me that he didn't want to be the a**hole that dated me for 5 or so years and still couldn't make a marriage commitment. Know that when we first started dating I didn't think I would ever want to get married again either. But when it is good -it is good. Why wouldn't I want to spend the rest of my life with my best friend and lover. That is what I wanted to know. Where do I fit in to your future? We haven't talked about anything that has happened in the past three weeks but he said he would, so maybe I will get a chance to ask your questions. Thanks to all of you who responded. It is so nice to hear a totally objective opinion wheter I like it or not. It is TRUE and if I can't handle that then that is my issue. I don't feel bad for standing up for what I believe in and I can't be angry at him for being honest.

This is my first time doing anything like this, but I have been reading a lot and you all tell it like it is. I'll try to sum this up. We met 4 years ago- I had been divorced for a year and he was going through his divorce (6 month marriage). I knew there was no way he could be ready for what I thought was "love at first sight". So, we hung out as best buddies for the next year and a half. We , indeed, were best friends. I dated other people and so did he but I knew my heart was with him. So when he came to me and said "I can't imagine my life without you and I love you" I did what any crazy in love person would. I believed it. So now it is 2 years and 9 months later-2 of those years living together. We did everything together. I can count on 1 hand the number of disagreements and we shared all the responsibilities around the house. It is my name on the mortgage but we shared the bills as well. I had been getting this gut feeling that I needed to talk about future, but I held it in a few months and when my feelings got hurt during a stressful weekend- I let it all out. I asked if he had any intentions of marrying me and I wanted to know where I fit into his future. He said he couldn't tell me that he wanted to marry me. I then said that we really didn't have choice but to move on. If we weren't going to eventually end up totally committed then what were we doing- that was Sunday Nov 7 by Tuesday he had found a place to live and on Wednesday I came home from work and found him packing and moving. Total SURPRISE!!!!!!! We had not talked since Monday morning and I had no clue he was leaving. No clue. We have had little to no contact since he left and there are so many unanswered questions and loose ends-he has a key, he owes me money, and he has info on my computer that he made clear he needed. So now what? I am trying to do the next right thing-go to work, go to the gym, eat, sleep, breathe,you know life. But everything reminds me of him and I am so mad sometimes I can't see straight. Help, if you have any suggestions. I am trying the NC thing,but it sucks when now I just feel so stupid for following my heart once again!!!!!!!!