chaos

On the other side of the coin, you'll spend a LOT more time alone by not following your buddies. You have to do whats right for you, but it's a lonely road. Apparently women with self-respect AND who are actually interested in me, are extremely hard to find... I'm 30 and still looking. I hate to say it but, you should really just enjoy yourself while you can. This is about the only time in your life where girls are going to be this easy. No reason you can't have some fun while waiting for the mythical self-respecting girl to come along.

You're not strange at all, you're just not in the majority. I'm the same way. I have no desire to just bang as many women as possible. I want to find that one special one I can actually have a relationship with. I can't respect a woman who would let herself be treated that way in the first place.

Well, if what you said was what happened, I'd agree with you. But we talked on Sunday about going out Thursday night. I call Wednesday night to see if things were still on. She msg's me saying she'll call me Thursday after work. Which leads me to the post I made an hour ago... So, you tell me ves, what it means when a girl says she'll call, then proceeds to behave in the manner that she has?

Well... No phone call last night. No emails, no txt messages, nothing. I even noticed her online on Myspace last night so I know she's not dead or in the hospital or something. She even took me out of her Top 8 friends. So, whatever... If she's not interested that's fine. What really pisses me off though is she doesn't even have enough respect for me to tell me, in ANY form, that she's not interested. I'd just really like to know, at this point, the hell the problem is. We had a great date, seemed like there was really a connection, and now... I'm more than a little pissed off at women at the moment. This whole dating "game" is bull * * * *! You women need to figure out just what the * * * * it is you want. I'm an intelligent, good looking, funny, romantic guy and yet all I ever get is blown off (and not in the good way) by women. * * *?!?!?!

Well, first of all, last night was the first time I've called her since Sunday, and I called Sunday because she asked me to. I called her cell phone and left a message. I didn't hear back, so I called her home number, in case, as you said, her cell had died, or whatever. You really think that would be considered pestering? If so then I'll definitely avoid doing so in the future. The last thing I want to do is pester her, that's why I've let her initiate almost all communication we've had so far.

That's probably a defense mechanism on her part. It's probably safe to say almost everybody has had their heart broken and we all know that it's the worst pain you can imagine. Naturally we're all going to be really cautious so as to avoid that pain in the future. Unfortunately for you, it's easier for her to convince herself you're not interested than to risk letting you in and possibly getting hurt again. It's hard to trust after something like that. I'm doing the same thing right now... I've met what seems like a great girl, but my fear or getting hurt has me questioning every action, wondering if there's ulterior motives, if she's just messing with my head. Maybe you should direct her to this site... I think everyone could benefit from the wisdom here.

That's just it, she doesn't seem like the kind of girl who would lie or try to mess with my head. But, I've known her for less than two weeks so... I guess that's why I'm so confused. I like her, but I don't know her well enough to trust her. Which sounds kinda bad since you're supposed to go into these things with an open heart/mind. Assuming she does call me, and she's telling the truth, do you think that msg I sent her last night has/will adversely effect things? Thank you all, hearing other's input helps a lot, even if it's not always what I want to hear. I will definitely not attempt any more contact until she calls me.

If it's someone I like I tend to get attached pretty easily. I've only had one date with this current girl, but before we'd even gone out I was really into her, just from our phone calls. Lately though, I get the feeling something else is going on and she's just not interested (or at least as interested) in me. It's all in my thread "Just Met This Girl" if you're interested in the whole mess. However, I'd much rather she was just up front with me about what was going on, if anything. I hate being lied to and an ommission is as good as a lie as far as I'm concerned. Being rejected is going to hurt, no matter the level of attachment, but it's better than being left wondering.

Ok so... I think I mentioned that we had tentative plans to do something Thursday night. Seeing as that's tomorrow I called her cell and got dumped to voicemail. Left a message saying I just called to see how she was doing, hoped she was feeling better, and if we were still on for tomorrow cause we should probably make plans. It was all very light hearted. Two hours later, still no callback. So, I call her home phone, someone picks up. They tell me she's gone and if she comes back it won't be til late. Okay.... Now it's after 10, I get a myspace msg... She's apologizing for the way things have been, she doesn't want to come off as a flake. She's been really stressed/exhausted from work and she's just been trying to get some sleep. She's on her way to bed and will call me tomorrow after she gets off work. So I sent a quick replay saying I tried to call but whoever answered said you wouldn't be home til late and "she probably didn't see you if you were sleeping I said I hope things got better and I'd talk to her tomorrow. Well... I don't know what the hell is going on, but I have the sneaking suspicious I'm being lied to... Does anyone else smell bull * * * *, or is it just me? I've probably blown it but if she's lying to me already then she's not someone I want to be with anyway.

The problem lies in the fact that most, if not all, women are gonna run screaming they second they get even a hint of neediness from a guy. So, that leaves us in the awkward position of having to question everything we do... even to go so far as to not call for days even if that's all we want to do. Did he tell you he was gonna call you and if so when he would call? If he hasn't called by when he said he would then, it could be he's just not interested. Otherwise, maybe give it a little more time. I'd say if you havn't heard from him after a week, you probably won't hear from him again.

I don't know how to be anything other than myself... but thats what seems to drive all the women away... Maybe I should stop playing these * * * *ing games and just tell her how it is. That I really like her and would like to see where things go and ask her if she's interested in the same thing. Maybe you had it right Becallamjr, maybe chucking the ball at her head is a little rough, but maybe it'll wake her up... At least I'd know one way or the other.

So what did you do to get out of the rut? I'm also in a similar situation... no friends, no close family, almost all my social interaction is at work where there are VERY few women. When Kile posted that list I thought he was reading my mind. When I do get a date (and there's only been one since my ex) the girl seems to lose all interest and I don't understand what I'm doing wrong... It's almost like showing any interest in the girl drives them away. Why does it seem like the only way to get women is to turn into the selfish abusive * * * * * * * * all the women * * * * * about? They all say they want a nice guy but, as soon as one comes along they head for the hills.

Sorry, I'm just venting... I know how pathetic ^that^ sounds... Truth is the only close family I have is my mom and about the best friend I have I've never met in person. Sometimes the lonliness gets to be too much to bear, especially when I can't get those thoughts out of my head... I'm feeling a little better having let it out. Besides, maybe dying alone won't be so bad.

So, I sent her a text this morning saying I was sorry she wasn't feeling well and hoped she was doing better and if she needed anything to just say the word. I also emailed her some computer info since she was looking to buy one and I offered to help. Maybe I took it to far? I don't know... What I do know is that she hasn't contacted me in any way. If she's not interested, that's fine. I certainly don't want to be with someone who doesn't want to be with me but... I just don't get what's going on... everyone tells me I'm good looking, I'm a nice guy, any girl would be lucky to have me, I could have any girl I want. Yet, whenever a girl shows any interest, they suddenly go cold with no explanation? I tried asking out a girl at work who was definitely interested, then, suddenly, she didn't want anything to do with me. Now, it seems to be happening again and I don't understand it! What am I doing or not doing? What is wrong with me? I'm a good person... I don't deserve this! I don't want a lot of things in life. All I want, all I've ever really wanted, is to meet a good woman, fall in love, get married, and raise a family. I don't care about money, cars, big houses, power, fame, etc... I'm a pretty simple person, I don't think I ask too much. Millions, if not billions, of people have lived and are living the life that I want. Yet, when I look to my future, all I can see is lonliness. I see the few simple things I've ever truly wanted in life denied to me. I see my most popular moment being on the news... one of those stories about some poor guy who died weeks ago in his apartment, but no one ever noticed...

From what you said it sounds like you didn't just put the ball in her court, you chucked it at her head and dared her to throw it back... You've got to toss it to them gently so they're more apt to keep playing. But then, what the hell do I know... I suck at this dating thing.

Exactly! If he had no interest in talking to you he just wouldn't respond. The difference between this guy and Chandler is that he says he'll call you and he does when, like you mentioned, Chandler never had any intention of calling. As long as this guy remains responsive then there's some interest... should he become unresponsive that's when you'll know he's not interested. Just as an aside... I find it funny that so many of us are worrying about the same things, whether we're men or women. None of us want to seem desperate, all of us want to know how the new person in our lives really feels. In a way I take some comfort in that because, if so many of us share the same fears and insecurities, it's unlikely we're the only ones

Mystik, I definitely would never send more than one a day, unless she does, in which case, I'll always send a reply. In fact, and maybe this is a little extreme, If I send a message/call her/email/whatever, I won't try to make contact until I hear from her again. I like to leave the ball in her court, so to speak. Is this a good idea? Is this something girls prefer? And yes, guys drive themselves just as crazy... probably more so because society says we're not supposed to talk about our feelings. Although, I could probably talk about mine less. Dogg, what a great insight! I think you're right that, while we're over our ex's, it hasn't been all that long and we probably are still broken. We've had our hearts shattered and now we're looking for someone to be the person we thought our ex's were. But, that's our baggage to carry and it's not fair to load them down with it. Thank God this site is here... we can vent and unload all our baggage on the kind folks who've been through this stuff and want to help. Becallamjr... It sounds like you've got a good healthy attitude towards it. It's nice to know even the "normal" folks drive themselves crazy.

I don't know... as a guy I like to leave the ball in her court. We have it tough because if we do too much we're seen as needy or worse, creepy. A girl can call us 3 or 4 times a day and, if we like them, it doesn't bother us, but, if a guy were to do that? No matter how much the girl liked him she'd start running for the hills. I'd say as long as he remains reponsive there's no harm in keeping in contact. If you're REALLY worried just ask him, as non-confrontationally as possible, if he's interested in you that way. If he's anything like me, he's shy and afraid of scaring you off.

I would just avoid doing the things that F'd up your relationships in the past. I think a lot of it is just common sense, like, with the girl I've JUST started seeing, I know if I call too much, or start telling her how strongly I feel for her, it'll scare her off. I know in any relationship, if someone were to get abusive, lie, or worst of all, cheat, that's a sure way to f*ck things up! Fortunately, it sounds like you're starting to settle down into a real relationship with a guy who obviously loves you. If you guys really are meant to be together there's very little you can do (barring what I mentioned above) that could screw this up. Like everyone keeps telling me, just relax, be yourself, and see what happens. We all need to learn to enjoy the ride and stop worrying about when/how/if we'll reach the destination. Now, if anyone has actually figured out how to do that please tell!!!

I know you don't want to come off as needy and dependent, I worry about the same thing. What I try to do is to let her initiate most of the contact. If she txt's me, I'll txt her back, I let her call me unless she asks me to call her, etc... One of the few exceptions being yesterday when she was supposed to call me. I didn't hear from her so I sent a txt and left it at that. Hopefully one of the ladies here can back me up but I think as long as you aren't constantly calling/messaging, aren't giving up your normal life to be with her (or at least don't let her know that), and aren't confessing your love for her (at least at this stage, later it's okay I don't think she'll have reason to think you're "needy". As for wishing you had proof I know EXACTLY what you mean! But, even if she does feel as strongly as you do, she's probably afraid of scaring you off as well. It's frustrating as hell but that's why these things take time. You get to know eachother, get more comfortable with eachother and the relationship, then, FINALLY, you can start telling eachother how you really feel. This is why I hate dating... even when you're not "playing games" there's still some games you have to play.

Haha, THAT much I know mystik. In a way though it almost makes it worse because then I worry if what I think is a cute and/or flirty msg, she'll find creepy and desperate. So, I find myself questioning everything I do/say and then I worry I'm not being myself, so I'll send her a cute/flirty msg and then I'm right back where I started. What a horrible catch 22! I really want to calm down and just go with it and stop worrying and over-analyzing everything. You guys are right, if she wasn't interested I wouldn't have heard from her. But now my mind turns to HOW interested? Probably not as interested as I am, but then I clearly have issues.

Hey Dogg, like you put in my thread, she's the one that invites you over, she's the one that always calls you. You feel strongly for this girl and you're afraid of getting hurt. What you want, what I want too, is for her to pledge her undying love (well, maybe not that extreme, but you know what I mean The fact is it sounds like she really likes you and by pulling away you could risk pushing her away. It sounds like things are going great, I wish I could see and talk to mine so much! I'd tell you to try and stop worrying but, I know how hard that is, instead, just try and let things play themselves out and see what happens. Don't play games, just be yourself and when she gets back from florida, or if things progress even sooner, see how she feels about becoming exclusive. I'm sure she'll be into it, sounds like she's there already. Soon you'll have to change your name to LuckyDogg!

That's exactly it! I'm afraid I'm going to screw everything up. I've never really dated. In the past 10 years I've only had two girls in my life one for 7 years, one for 2. So, when it comes to dating I'm clueless. I sent a text to this girl yesterday and didn't hear back from her. So, while worrying over what I did wrong I realized something. I honestly feel like I don't deserve to be happy... I can't help but wonder if that plays a factor in how much I get down on myself. All I want in life is to meet that right girl, get married, have a family. Everyone tells me what a great guy I am and any girl would be lucky to have me but... it seems the girls disagree. Anyway, after all the worrying, over-analyzing, and just general feeling sorry for myself I finally got a text from her a few minutes before midnight. She apologized, saying she fell asleep early, wasn't feeling good and would call me tomorrow. So, does she like me? I guess I still don't really know. It's been a week but there's been numerous times she said she'd call and didn't... But she has a life and things happen. I on the other hand have nothing better to do than wait for her to call... Have I screwed everything up? Well, she's still talking to me even if it all it was one txt msg, so I guess that's a good sign. Am I a freak for thinking she should be just as obsessive, analytical and easily attached as I seem to be? Yeah, I think so...

Dogg, that's kind of eerie how similar our situations are. However, from your thread, it sounds like things are moving along much faster than with my situation. Unfortunately, my girl lives about 30 minutes away, and our schedules are such that there's not much time to see eachother. We've made tentative plans to see eachother again on Thursday although, I'm thinking of offering to give up one night a week of working out if it'll give us more time together. On the other hand I don't want her to think I'm willing to give up everything to spend time with her, that might scare her away. I guess it's just hard to go from thinking of planning marriage and settling down to just seeing someone once a week. But, your right, all I can do is hang in there and see what happens. I'm trying to tell myself everything happens for a reason, perhaps there's a reason things need to progress slowly? I just wish I knew for sure if/how much she likes me.

I'm certainly no expert, I've only had a few girlfriends, but two weeks does seems kinda fast. I don't know if you have slept together yet, but I find that a really good time to talk about making things exclusive. Maybe I'm naive or just hopelessly romantic, but I like to think by that time both parties are ready to commit to something. Things seem to be going really well, sounds like things have progressed a lot in such a short time. You talk all the time, seen eachother on numerous occasions, met her family... I've only been seeing this girl for about a week, while we've been talking fairly frequently I've only seen her once with tentative plans to see her again this Thursday. At this rate it'll be months before I've done as much with her as you've done with your girl. I don't think you've anything to worry about.