chaos

Thanks for the advice, congrats on getting her back. I can only wish that the same thing would happen to me, but I'm not holding my breath. I don't plan on contacting her at all but it's really hard. I hear songs I want to send her the lyrics too, I think of things I'd like to say, even just small talk for a few minutes. I won't do it, but still... It's been two weeks today. The past few days I thought I was getting better, but this morning I broke down crying again. I'm told greif comes in waves and apparently another one is crashing over me again. It's times like that that NC becomes the hardest. I keep hoping she'll realize she made a mistake and I'll hear her coming in wanting to talk, or that she'll call, IM, or I'll come home from work and find she's moved all her stuff back in and wants to work things out. Unfortunately she's pretty stubborn and she was so mean after I sent her that letter that, I think she's too far gone to ever come back. Learning to live alone again really sucks. I get cold at night without her sleeping next to me. I get lonely because there's no one there to talk to and share things with. I get frustrated because I can't undo the mistakes that were made and I can't really show her I've changed when she's not around. If I may ask biacd, how long was it between the NC and her wanting to get back together?

No, I know there's nothing I can say or do, she made it very clear after I sent her that letter. All I can do now is give her time and space and let her figure out just what it is she wants in life. Maybe it'll be me, but I'm not gonna wait. I'm gonna at least try to move on with my life as best as I can and hope that things work out for the best.

I saw her this morning... I knew she'd be coming by the apartment today so I sent her an IM last night letting her know that I didn't have to work until noon. I didn't want to contact her but it was either that or see her if she came over at 10, which is my normal start time. Well, I guess she didn't get the message because 10am, there she was. I didn't say or do anything that could be construed as pleading, or talking about the relationship in anyway. She left shortly after to run some errands and she didn't come back before I left for work. Unfortunately, seeing her brings some of those feelings back... It's hard enough missing her when she's not there. It's like she's a drug and not that I've seen her I want another fix. I want to ask her if she'll come back and work things out, tell her I miss her and I love her. All the plans for our life that I'd had and all the memories, they're all coming back again. She asked if I'd sold the engagement ring, I hadn't. She offered to buy it from me when she gets the money because she did really like it. I told her we'll see, I had a few other places to try besides ebay. I'd feel weird selling it to her. But her saying that, really hurts. If only she still liked me, she could have had that ring for nothing. I know my only shot at her coming back is to give her space and hope she realizes that she wants me back. But it's so hard to be patient when you're hurting and, at the same time, I wonder if I'll want her back after what she's put me through. She wasn't perfect either and for her to put everything on me was unfair. Yes, I made mistakes, but I don't think anything I did was unforgivable... I didn't abuse her or cheat on her. I'm sure she made mistakes too, but the only ones I can think of I'm too easily able to justify and blame myself on, so I'm still not thinking clearly. I want to move on, but I'm still hoping she'll come back... I'm confused, hurting, and still missing her... I feel like I'm going to be alone forever, I'll never meet anyone else, and she's my only hope.

I'm afraid now that maybe I won't be able to change. I'm worried that I'll screw up again in the next relationship, if there is one. I feel like I've lost my motivation for change and what's the point if I'm gonna be alone forever. I'm just kinda lost and confused right now. I don't know what to do next. All I do know is that I don't want to go home at night to the apartment I've only known with her. I don't want to see the things she hasn't taken yet and I don't want to see the empty spots where her things used to be. I'm scared because my job is going to be ending soon and I don't know how soon I'll be able to get another one. Without her help, I'm left with a rather large financial burden that I can just barely manage with the job I have now. But even worse than that is the fear that once this job is over, I'm gonna have to sit in that apartment alone, all day, for God knows how long, with nothing but the memories of what used to be.

So, it's definitely over. She got the letter I sent. The letter pooring my heart out, telling her all the things I did wrong and why I would never do them again. The letter telling her how much I loved her and missed her and how I would never hurt her again. She told me she appreciated what I had to say, but that she was going to move on. She said it hurt even more to hear me say those things because I should have done them while we were still together. I had my chance and I blew it. Then she started to get kinda nasty telling me to go show what I've learned on some other girl because she was too tired and too drained to deal with it. So, here I sit, angry, sad, alone. I still miss her desperately but, clearly things are hopeless right now. Perhaps someday she might be willing to work things out but, it won't be anytime soon. I think we've entered the NC phase. She asked if I wanted to be friends and I told her that, in time, I'd like that. Then she told me that until the next time we spoke to have a good life... I feel like crying again...

Everyone says give it time, but, how much time? I know it's only been a little over a week but I still have to force myself to eat and I still can't sleep at night... When does it at least get bearable? When can I sleep at night and eat normally again?

I'm going to try and move on, but I can't stop hoping. She was the best thing that ever happened to me and I can't imagine I'll ever find someone as wonderful as she was. Esepcially right now... I can't even see myself being with anyone else... I can't stop thinking about all the good times we had together and all the things I should have done differently.

On occasion she would go to lunch with a guy and she talked to her guy friends online a lot. I know there was nothing going on and I know she would never cheat on me... But my paranoid mind kept worrying about it anyways so I'd always be looking for reassurance. I think my constant need for reassurance made her feel like I didn't trust her.

So, my girlfriend dumped me a little over a week ago. I understand why, and she's right. I had forgotten that relationships take work and I wasn't doing my part. I was taking her for granted. I also was very insecure about her guy friends and was always asking if I should be worried about them, etc... I've had a lot of time to think about things. I'm going to change those things because, that's not the person I want to be. But, I really want her back. I've tried to tell her I'm a changed man, that I really want to work things out. She just doesn't believe me, she's convinced no one can change and that I should move on. I've told her that I know that if I didn't change that I would lose her again and I would never risk that. To make matters worse I keep getting mixed signals from her. She'd made one comment about how if we got back together things would have to change. Another about how part of her wanted to work things out but that a larger part was hurt and until the part that wanted to work things out was all that was left that this was the best thingto do right now. Then, finally, yesterday morning, she told me she'd think about it. I was feeling pretty good until last night. She was taking me to pick up my car and we started talking again. I'd asked her to coffee that morning and she agreed. That night I'd mentioned how I'd made plans for the weekend (very out of character for the old me) and was seeing a movie on sunday. So she said we should forget the coffee because she didn't want to get my hopes up. I asked why if she was going to think about it. She said that she didn't see me changing, that even if I did it would only be for a few months. She wasn't willing to risk it, that she could find a hundred guys that would treat her like I did. People never change and I should just move on. I'm very confused and hurting. A couple days ago I wrote her a long letter. She loves getting handwritten letters in the mail. Yesterday morning we swung by the post office, (she's been taking me to and from work since I've been without a car). She grabbed the letters to throw them in the mailbox and saw that one was for her. She stuck it in saying I'd already used the stamp and it would give her something to look forward to. Basically, in this letter, I bear my soul to her. I point out everything I did wrong, why she was right to be hurt, telling her why I'm going to change, and to give me another chance because I know I can make her happy. I don't know when she'll get that letter, possibly today. Unfortunately, today she's also having a couple friends come over to help move more stuff out of our apartment. I'm still clinging to a shred of hope that maybe the letter will convince her. She's the most wonderful person and it kills me that I ruined what we had together and that I hurt her. I want nothing more than to make it up to her and make her happy. I thought I had a chance but, after what she said last night... I just don't know anymore. I want us to be together again, I want us to be happy. I'd even bought an engagement ring wasn't going to ask her on our 2nd anniversary Nov. 8th... Any advice you guys an give me, or any insights into what she might be thinking? I need help! Thanks, Matt