jimmy_neutron

I was raised in the church, not strict, but I was there every time the doors were opened. During college, I gave up on religion. I still believed in a higher power but didn't attend organized churches. I didn't attend for about 12 years. Within the past year though, I have started going again. Mostly, because I like being around the people with the same beliefs for the most part. I was in a relationship where my girlfriend was pretty much an athiest and that did cause some issues. If a person and a dog were crossing the street and she was in a car and had to choose which one to run over, she would run over the person and save the dog She had no faith in people and to me, that was NOT a good thing. So I started attending services again, have made some really great friends, good people, good contacts for jobs, etc. Religion is a very personal choice and each person has to decide what they want to pursue. Just keep an open mind is all I can say.

I'm under a somewhat similar situation. I was offered a job 10 hours from where I am at now. . . pay wise, well it's very very appetizing, not to mention the experience and contacts I will make. The problem, leaving co-workers behind where I work now which has become a family for me and an ex. I'm not for sure that I'm 100% over the ex. We were in a 7+ year relationship. . . I was the one that initiated the break-up. I just remind myself when I get to thinking about if I should not be taking the new job on the reasons we broke up..... Myself, she wasn't there for me emotionally, I didn't feel loved in the relationship, and she had major anger issues and personal issues. The hardest part for me was I told her I would be there for her always. But sometimes, you have to break your promises to keep your own sanity and to maintain your own well being. I don't know the situation why you two broke up or if it is something that is workable or you would be willing to compromise your own beliefs for or whatnot (I couldn't compromise in my case). If I was to stay in town and we tried to work things out, the same problems would arise within a few years. So I decided to take the job and not look back. I will make new friends, I will learn new things, I will be living in a great city. I will most certainly meet someone new who may or may not fulfill all my desires in a significant other. But you know, I know what I have here for me, and I'm not 100% sure what's there when I move in two weeks, but you only live once, so why not take the road that hasn't been traveled??? Good luck in your decisions. I hope I gave you some different aspects to look at and help you out somehow.

Umm, How about "thanks, but I'm not available (and/or) looking for anyone at this time"

Patience. . . take your time. . . don't put pressure on her for anything more than a friendship. She wants to take her time to concentrate on school and get over her past relationship, that is respectible. Just be there for her as a friend and continue doing what you both are doing and see where it goes. There is nothing you can do to get her to be your girlfriend, that will be her choice, just be there for her.

Jai, I have read your story in another post, but figured I would just as well respond here to you. Cold feet huh. Well, who knows what brought it on. Dunno how old your fellow is, maybe around your age, mid 20s. . . I know if I was in my mid 20s, to make a big commitment like that would scare the socks right off of me! You also said he was married before and lost a lot of $$$ and that might be a factor. . . well if it moves to be serious, you can always agree to a prenup, everyone leaves with what they came in with and any additional assets are split 50/50. Its a tought situation to be in. You will never get over him if you don't completely move on without him. He seems to be keeping you around for your friendship and to talk to you. If he doesn't want to be more serious than that and you do, then you are just going to have to bite the bullet and tell him that if he can't and won't be a larger part of your life, then you will need to move on and stop communicating with him. I know when I have ended serious relationships (well one was ended by me, the other ended by the other), we always tried to keep lines of communication open, well it just doesn't work for me, I'm reminded of all the good things and have to remember why they ended in the first place. So I eventually let the communication thing drift away. . .

Like the others said, it's water under a bridge, and you can not ever change that, no matter how much you think about it or want to do it over again, its in the past and will always stay there. However, it's a good lesson, one that we all go through in life. . . Never miss the opportunity to do something if you want. If YOU want to do something, don't worry about what other people think or might say, go for it and hold on tight to what YOU want. Just make sure it's legal and won't put you in the emergency room

IN my opinion.... Both of you need to sit down with a marriage counselor, a minister, etc. You both will need to work through issues without it turning into an all out shouting match and having a counselor there would help referee it and give the discussion guidance and keep things on track and figure out what's important for you both. If you want to save the relationship, I would certainly suggest to her to do that.

Myself, well lets see..... A sense of humor is a must Intelligence Someone that enjoys a good chat in the evenings without having to compete with the television ](*,) Someone with their own mind and just not someone that agrees with you all the time Some that is affectionate and has emotions Someone that has direction in their life, knows where they have been, where they are, and where they are going Someone that shares the same religious and political view Someone that cares for others as much as they care for themselves Ok that about covers it. . . oh I'm partial to brunettes with brown eyes

I would say it is a safe bet that she is interested in you. She is initiating the communication and asking to hang out with you. Hang out and enjoy your time together, let things move on their own and don't try to rush into anything. Sounds like you have a winner there.

When I went to college, I went to the same university that my prom date attended. . . about 5 hours from our hometown. We both happened to want to go to the same university and I really did like the girl a lot, and we were obviously close, but not dating steady or anything like that. When we went to college, we were in different dorms. She made her own friends, I made mine. . . . We met a few times in our first year to hang out, but it never devloped beyond the very good friendship thing. When one goes to college, it provides a huge opportunity to meet new people and sometimes, you realize the person that you really are into is not what you really need. What I mean is that I thought the world of her, but after meeting so many different people, I realized that at that age, it would be silly to lock onto someone so young and before going out with so many different people and finding out what was out there. If you both decide to try going to the same college, I would say don't live in with her, it's a great time to explore yourself as well as the world around you. If it works out for you two, then great, I wish the best for you and her if that's what you both want.

Johanna, Sounds like me and you were/are certainly in the same boat. I do truly hate the anger management issue in the relationship and the whole TV addiction. . . I got so sick of it I canceled my cable TV and only watch the news in the evenings. . . I think the relationship would have been perfect if I had high definition built into my forehead hehe. Your post does help make everything more clear and assures me that I did make the right choice. The hardest part is over, and that was making the decision to move on and ending it. I guess after 6 months, I just miss the friendship that we did have and the company, but it certainly would not be worth getting in that mess again. I just have to think how miserable I was when I was with her. They called today to tell me they wanted my social security number to set up my payroll and I gave them the go ahead. Ironic enough, it is with the Transportation Security Administration. . . and after todays bombings in London, I know it will not only be a good position for me, but I can only hope that some way I can help our people over here stay safe, god bless those in London who suffered losses today. Thanks for your post Johanna, and I hope that you and your guy figure something out. My only advice to you is don't waste too much of your life hoping, trying, and waiting for a change. . . I tried for 7 1/2 years and probably missed out on some better opportunities.

Thanks for the post nikkers, Yes, I did sometimes get the feeling that she wanted the company and to not be alone more than anything else. Since the breakup, she has made no effort to work things out or compromise on anything, and I have only heard from her a few times in the past 6 months. When others would bring up the subject of marriage, she would always kind of be like "well we are just fine as we are, why should be ruin it." So it did feel like that she never planned on anything more. Even my parents told me a few years ago that we would never get married. Maybe they saw something that I didn't, of course that does always seem to be the case. Good luck with your situation as well

Hello all, sorry that this post is so long, but I really could use your advice and opinions. I found this place about 6 months ago when I was going through a split with my long term relationship. . . . I had been with her for 7 1/2 years at that point. It was NOT an easy thing to do. We met and started dating when I moved into town for a job. It started out wonderfully enough, but the years really took its toll I guess you can say. She certainly was not the same person I started dating, and I'm sure I changed as well. The reason it ended? Well I wanted to move forward into marriage. So one evening while we were sitting in the living room watching TV, I brought up the subject and just asked "have you ever considered getting married and where was that in our future." There was a long hesitation, probably about 30 seconds. She kind of ho-hummed and danced around for an answer and said, yes, I've thought about it. She then went into all these things about how it might not work out, that we would probably be getting into fights a lot, and one condition of getting married is she wanted me to sign a prenuptual agreement. I had never felt so slapped in the face before when she said that. We both make comparable salaries, and I asked her why she felt like we needed a prenup. . . Her answer was "so if it doesnt' work out, it will make it easy to divorce." That really concerned me, because, I for one, is willing to do whatever it takes to make things work if we have problems. Yes, all those are possibilities, but to me, bringing those negative things in from the get go is just not a good way to look at it and is almost a recipie for disaster. And for the record, we never had any major fights or arguments. Actually, she's the one with a major temper. Lord forbid, if someone cut her off on a drive somewhere, she would get so angry, flip them off, yell at them, call them things I dare not even put in my vocabulary. She would get angry if her parents called her when she was watching tv and would call her mom a "stupid [censored]" behind her back after the phone calls, so yeah. . . major anger issues with this gal.... ON several occasions when she got angry over little things that I wouldnt' think twice of, she would kick the living daylights out of her kitchen cabinents and one time was beating herself against the chest with closed fists. This is the total opposite of me, I rarely let anything get to me or burst out if something didn't go my way, I just deal with it and move on. That among other things let me to decide to let it go and move on. Yup, major anger issues. I did ask her if she ever considered talking to a counselor about it, her answer was it is normal to get angry and different people have their own ways of dealing with it, and this was her way..... I then asked her a hypothetical question one day. . . if someone was to give you a million dollars on the condition that you had to stop seeing me or get rid of your dog, which would you do. To my surprise, I would have been the one in the doghouse from her answer. Yeah, her dog would have gotten to stay and I would have gotten the boot. . . This was about 5 years into the relationship. Also, she said that if we did ever live together, there would be separate bedrooms. She said she liked to sleep alone. . . which I wasn't really ok with but would have accepted it. Personally, I'd love the company of someone in bed at night to wrap around and fall to sleep with. I guess she wasn't an affectionate person. That can apply to our sex life, because there wasn't one. We did a few times during our first year, but it was so conditional for her. . . it had to be late at night when there was nothing on TV (yeah, she's a big TV fanatic, our time spent together was me usually on one end of the sofa with her in deep concentration on the little screen) and there was no spontinaity. . . it was pretty much scheduled out. And then the times that we did, she couldn't ever get "satisifed" or reach the peak. . . And I did EVERYTHING under the sun to make her satisfied. . . nothing worked. . . didn't matter if it went on for an hour or for 10 minutes, lots of foreplay or no foreplay. Afterwards, she would sit there crying which really made me feel bad and almost guilty. She would never come outright and tell me she loved me. The only time she would tell me is when I would tell her, because "it's the mans job to express those feeings first." Well maybe the FIRST time it's said, but after 7 years, isn't it ok for the gal to tell you that first? I do have to say she was there for me when I needed help with something though, if I needed a ride somewhere because my car broke down for example. I never worried about her faithfullness in the relationship, and when she wasn't angry and things went her way, she was pleasant to be around and we laughed a lot and had common interests. But I dont' think those things enough makes up for the things that I felt the relationship was lacking on or was just plain wrong in a relationship. Well the reason I'm really thinking about her lately is that after the breakup, I thought that I would improve myself, by finding another job. Well last week I got an interview. . . 700 miles away working in Washington DC for the Fed. The pay and opportunties for me are excellent, making double what I am bringing in now. It certainly is a good opportunity for me career wise. . . I have to make a decision by the end of the week because the position requires a secret security classification. . . I sent in the paperwork early this week and they will have reviewed it by Friday. The only thing I'm hesitant about is relocating because I do enjoy the area I am in now and I work with some really wonderful people. But like I said, it is a once in a lifetime opportunity for me to really improve my career. So I'm really having mixed emotions now about a lot of things. Take the job and leave that relationship behind for the rest of my life adn move onward. Stay here making enough money to get by and try to work things out with her at a later time? We did break up before for the same reasons and ended up back together after 3 months, things were better for a while, but reverted back to it's old ways. . . . It's just a lot of things on me at once and some major decisions to be made. Just wondering what you all think and feel free to share your opinions. Thank you all for listening and the advice.