vale007

I had the chance to talk to the girsl he had seen and he says he cheated on me while we were together. Obviously, I can't take that for a fact as she's biased. But the doubt lingers. If he was honest at the time of reconciliation, I would probably have taken him back anyway or maybe not, but at least I would have had all the information to make an informed decision and not hold anything against him in the future. But now, I feel I was tricked into making a decision with incomplete data. And that's what bothers me. Am I wrong to feel this way?

Ok, here's a brief summary. My bf and I had been dating for 1 1/2 years before we split up for 10 weeks apart. During the split we both saw other people casually. I was always honest with him about what I did during that time, as he was the one asking to get back together. I thought he had been honest too by telling me he had been with this girl. After a lot of talking we worked things out and went back together a week ago. He told me when we got back that we need to leave the past behind and start fresh, which I agreed to and everything has been great ever since. However I just found out that he lied to me. That he did a LOT more during the time we were apart than what he admitted to. When I confronted him, his argument is that "we agreed to leave the past behind" and that I don't have any right to question him about anything he did while we were separated. I actually got a call from the girl he was seeing and found out a lot of things. He went bullistic. His behavior confirmed it all, I think he's more upset about the fact that I found things that he didn't want me to find. I feel that I was tricked, as I would have expected total honesty and disclosure from him before we went back together. He asked for forgiveness, but obviously only for a part of it, because he never told me the whole story. Now he's acting like the offended one as he feels i "broke" the promise to leave the past behind. I love this guy dearly and would love for things to work out, but the whole "past" lingers in my head constantly. Nevermind the trust issue. After so many lies, can I realistically trust him again. Granted he's been great this past week, but how long will it really last? I'm heart-broken! What do you guys think? Is that doable? I know that technically I don't have the "right" to know, but if we're trying to patch things up I would expect full disclosure, don't you think? PLEAS HELP! Thank you

In fact, it's mostly gray. It's not realistic not fair to say that you would never under any circumstances not cheat. Maybe you never have, good for you, but never say never, because you don't know what it feels like nor what you would do when under pressure/stress/extreme emotions/alcohol or whatever the situation may be. I don't think it's fair to judge people either. And I agree that infidelity is something that can happen sometimes under some circumstances. I'm NOT however saying it's excusable or justifiable, but we're not in a perfect world, and humans are not perfect, and it DOES happen after all. Also, it's hard to define it. After you break up from a long term relationship and you're still in love, and one of the partners goes out and has something with another person, that may not be technically considered "cheating" because you're not "officially" together, but I bet that if the other partner finds out, it would hurt the same as if you were in fact together. Is this cheating? or not? Is it forgivable/justifiable? Most likely they did it out of heartbreak, loneliness, hurt? Just a thought...

Spooky, I tend to agree with you. But again, I have to look at all possibilities. Has it ever happened to any of you that you truly realize what you had once you don't have that person with you? If so, has it ever worked to go back together? Just curious...

Batya, Thanks for the reply. I don't think I make snap decisions, otherwise I wouldn't be consumed with trying to make the right choice. Believe it or not I'm a throughout person and I've never been in a situation like this before, that's why it's so hard. I appreciate your opinion, although a bit harsh, it's respected and taken into consideration. Thanks.

Elektra, I think journaling is a good way. Be realistic, write about your insecurities and how real they are. Are they based on your own perception or are they real fears? If they are real, what can you do to feel more at ease? Also, do things that make you feel good, like a nice bath, have a massage, a manicure, go out with a good friend, watch a comedy, etc. We all have those, it's normal as long as they're preventing you from doig things you love. Affirmations are a good tool as well. Hope that helps

I know this sounds cliche, but for those of you who have ever been in this situation know how painful, emotionally exhausting and confusing it can be. So I need advice. I feel deeply in love with "G" (34 years old) and we started dating. We both got swept off our feet, very passionate relationship. We meant the world to each other and I dedicated myself to him completely and gave him my all. We were together for almost 2 years and we lived together for most of that time. It was very intense, we lived so much together, we went through a lot both good and bad and we were inseparable. We planned a life together, even talked about having kids soon. Then in March I had to travel overseas for 10 days to see my parents, and went by myself. During that time he started going out and met new friends, etc. When I came back, he started telling me how he needed space and he needed to go out alone and that he felt constricted. That took me by surprise because at the beginning of our relationship I was the one needing space because I've always been very independent and he was the one wanting to be glued to be all the time. Now the roles were reversed. He then told me he wasn't sure he felt the same way about me. Anyway, he moved out over 2 months ago. Although he never stopped calling me. What really killed me is that during this time he would confuse me so much. One day he loved me, the next he would say he's confused, the next he wants me back. He was very confused and I was too. We both dated other people during this separation, and of course that hurt, but it is what it is. A couple of weeks ago he begged me to give him a chance, so after insisting, I did. We went on a long weekend together out of town and it was all OK, but not the same. He ended up telling me that he loved me but not like I loved him, so I decided to let him go again. I told him that I deserved better, someone who will make me a priority and love me back with the same passion and devotion I loved him. He's never stopped calling. But a few days ago he's saying how all the confusion and all he said was out of anger, hurt, frustration because I was seeing someone else. That this time alone he has thought a lot and that he realizes how I'm the love of his life and how he cannot live without me. I said I don't believe him anymore because actions has spoken much louder than words, and he just asks for me to let him see me to prove to me that he can make me happy like I deserve. He's even proposed to me. Of course I would never marry him while we're in this turmoil, but is he the one for me? I do have to say that I do love him, very much, like crazy, passionately and hopelessly. Do you all think it is possible that someone will behave like that just out of hurt? He's been doing everything to get my attention lately, and I'm so confused. On the other hand, and to complicate things further, of course, I've met another guy, "M" (28 years old). He's been an angel. Understanding to the point of disbelief, he knows everything that is happening and has been there every step of the way. He also offers me the sky and starts to make me happy. The only things is that he's a bit immature, and from a different culture and religion which may pose an issue if things were to progress. And of course the bigger issue, I don't love him. I like him, he treats me like a queen, but will I ever be able to love him? So here I am, sooo confused. Should I leave the past in the past and forget about G to start fresh with M? What if I regret losing the love of my life with G? Of course my heart loves him and tells me to go back, but my head is trying to protect me from getting hurt again and tells me to stay away. WHEN ARE SECOND CHANCES A GOOD THING? Is it truly possible that people change and realize what they've lost? Any of you had this experience? What was the outcome? THANK YOU ALL

It's so weird that both of you mentioned abuse. That has never crosees my mind as he's never being verbally or physically abusive to me. He can be athe sweetest man, but then become very intransigent and self-absorbed when we argue. When he's mad he wants me to see that it's not like I "see" it, is not willing to talk and or just leaves me talking. Then I get really mad for his attitude and things escalate from there. And yes, you're right, there have been a lot of ups and downs. I can't live like this, it's very draining emotionally. I just don't know to break the cycle. I love him, and when he's not around I miss him terribly. I'm in a city that's fairly new to me and I have no family here. Only a couple of friends, I guess I'll have to tap into that. How can I be string and not let him soften me up again?

We fell in love so fast, that after a month he was already talking about a life together. Now 10 months later and dozens of fights, I finally called it quits. Although I do love him, deep inside I believe he's not the one for me. It's reason versus heart. I wonder why I fell in love so hard when I know things would not work out. It's just incompatibility all around, he says black I say white. We've had 3 fights this week, and although I'm not a believer of finfer-pointing, they were really things that he should have not done. But the problem are really not the causes of the fights, but his reactions after the fact. He does not and will not admit he was wrong, nor ever apologizes. That really hurts me, and a day later after I've been wallowing in tears, he calls me as anything had happened and expect me to act normally. I'm very vulnerable emotionally and feel he has control over my emotions, I don't like that feeling. He's promised me a million times that next time will be different, but it never is. He's still a different person when we argue, anger takes over him and he shuts me out. And every time I try to break up to get myself some air, he cries, begs and pleads with me and plays emotional games that usually break me down. I know he loves me very much, I've never doubted that, but his personality is very difficult to deal. I want a man that will support me and protect me, not one that complicates my life every day. Is that too much to ask? Anyway, he won't stop calling, he wants to stay in the spare bedroom until "he can find a place to go". And says he will never stop calling as he loves me too much. That he never thought I would leave him, etc, etc. I don't know what to do, this is very painful, and I hate that he's always turning the story around and saying he can't believe I'm breaking up with him for something so small. What I can't get him to understand is the big picture, that is not the small argument but the pattern of arguments and his failure to be willing to talk when it's time and patch things up then, not after when it's too late. I want to not care what he thinks of me, but I can't. I do love him, but I feel like I'll never have control of my life for as long as he's like that.

Thanks everyone for the replies. I do have some serious thinking to do. Will post if there are any new developments. Thanks again.

DN, I apologize if I offended you in any way. I'm rambling today as you can tell because of what'shappening and I shoul dhave been more careful with what I said. Like I also said, it's been a learning curve and I realized I've been very judgemental and close-minded for many years, I admist I was an intellectual snob, but now I know better, thank goodness I hope you don't hold a grudge about that.

DN, I can see how you interpreted my last post that way, but I really didn't mean it like that. What I meant is that sometimes you think you need something in a significant other that you really don't, or that were values and opinions you inherited from family or others and are not your own. I thought I could never deal with a man that has children from a previous relatiohip because of the extra pressure and complications it entails, but I never had experienced it either, I was judgemental and naïve. The college thing in my eyes is important for everybody but not having gone doesn't make you a bad nor irresponsible person (people please do not take this wrong or personally). It's just been a learning curve, and please excuse me if I sounded wrong.

Lady00, yes some of that intellectual connection is not the same in the new relationship, simply because htey're 2 different people. That's another thing...my ex and I were "perfect" for each other on paper: both professional, successful, young, attractive, responsible, outgoing, etc. And though balanced each other well: me extroverted and adventurous, him more down to earth and shy. Result is that we got along great, but there was no passion, and it resulted in me panicking him with my adventurous nature and me feeling constricted by him. My new bf is doverced, has 2 kids, is not college educated, probably someone I would have never fell for, but I did. Maybe I was too hang up on what I thought were important qualities in a man, and they're just not that important as how that person makes you feel. Of course he's also responsible, hard-working and all, but I always thought that a college educations and no kids were something I wanted. Guess I was wrong...have you guys felt the same at some point? One more big question: If for whatever reason the new relationship doesn't work out, would you feel you made a mistake in cutting contact with ex? Or is it a good thing to do regardless of new relationship or not?

I do see your points and do agree with you. Maybe I'm asking way too much of what's realistic. I do enjoy the times and conversations with my ex, and I unconsciously want to have the best of both worlds. As expected, connections with both people are very different, not better or woese, just unique and different. I miss the intellectual connection I had with my ex. Can you guys give me some pointed questions that may help me make up my mind....? Should I take a break from both? Put distance with ex?

cpxsim, It sounds just like my husband. I also moved out and I know he's still in love with me. We've also been playing the friends role, because he's so important to me that I don't want a lack of love be the loss of him as a whole. He's also lost 20 pounds, became depressed, etc, etc. It tears me apart to see that as I feel responsible for his misery. I'm now in another relationship and my new bf resents the friendship with my ex. My ex doesn't resent me for the new relationship, but also tells me that if he deson't understand our friendship, then he's a jerk. I'm torn between the two, and really don't know how to feel about it. Maybe it was better for both of you to go no contact, maybe it's even better for me, but I don't want to be the one to do that also, have already caused him so much pain. Will I regret losing a boyfriend to preserve a friendship that may end as soon as he falls out of love with me?

PLEASE HELP ME, possible break-up tonight, just need some opinions to see if I'm being selfish and stupid or reasonable. I was married for about 5 years. Things had been going down hill for the last year or so, and for the past 3 months we were "roommates" not a couple. We had been friends for a long time before we even started dating, so we had a great relationship, although it couldn't be called a marriage. We got along great, talked and had fun, but I was not attarcted to him whatsoever. Although I was very much inlove wi/ him at the beginning, love slowly disappeared due to neglect and his emotional issues. He was diagnosed with Obsessive Compulsive Disorder which caused him to be obsessive with cleaning, porn, organization, etc. He didn't do anything to keep the marriage alive although I knew she loved me dearly. Anyway, it wasn't until I met another man and felt attarcted to him that I realized that I really had to move out, since until then I knew it was a matter of time but really had no rush. With a new guy in sight, it wouldn't be fair for any of us to keep living together, so I moved out. We agreed to be friends, as we've always been friends anyway. He also knew about the new man, as I was completely honest. The couple of people that I spoke about the situation told me I was doing wrong to get involved with someone else so soon, and I guess I knew it wsa true, but felt that for once in a lifetime I just wanted to feel and not think. So I went with my heart. This new guy is the complete opposite of my husband. I'm soooooo attracted to him and he's also Hispanic (I'm hispanic, ex-husband is not), which I have realized with time married to a non-hispanic that culture does play a role in a relationship, and that there are things you will never be able to share in a cross-cultural relationship. Things with the new bf are intense and wonderful, the best feelings I've ever exerienced in my life. However, there are things that I do miss from my husband...like the stupid philosophical conversations we always had, his laid back attitude (although I also thought it was boring sometimes). Anyway, ex-husband and I talk on the phone almost daily and have a great friendship (although I knoew he still havs feelings for me, but is not pressuring me or anything). We are very important parts of each others' lives, and I truly care about him as a person even though I may not *love* him. When I startes with my new bf, I told him how things were and how I really wanted to be close friends with my ex. He obviously said it didn't bother him. Now, 3 months later, my bf is deeply in love with me and I *think* I love him too, but everytime I see my ex, he gets upset. He doesn't mind me talking with him, but he admist it bothers him for me to go out to visit him or go out with him (like to the theatre, shows, etc). I talked with my new bf today, as my ex asked if I wanted to accompany him to a David Copperfield magic show this week. New bf always tells me to go, but after questioning him he admists it bothers him. I told him that I loved him very much but I also cared about my ex as a friend and wanted that to continue. He said he would think about it, then called me back crying and said he can't bear seeing me go out with my ex. We can't agree on this point and I'm so hurt that he wants me to chose between him whom I love and a dear friend that I also love with a different kind of love. Is it reasonable to expect a new bf to understand a friendship with an ex, or am I being selfish and unrealistic?