Confused and hurt

Btbt- We must be living parallel lives! This guy that I had started seeing at the end of May recently told me that he had stopped calling me for a month because he got the impression the last time we went out that I wanted something serious and he was not ready for that. Yet, he also told me that I could have called him more and that maybe we would get together again in a few weeks. I have no idea for what...but I just said whatever. I know how crappy it feels. You sit there wondering what did I do wrong? I don't know...I take it personally. I think the exact same way you do....that he just does not want a serious relationship with me and that if the "right" girl came along he would have no hesitation about a relationship. On the flipside, I sometimes think that maybe some guys are kind of scared to jump into things. I know from talking to alot of my male friends that they have passed up alot of great girls - who in retrospect they think would have made excellent girlfriends - because they were just not in a relationship frame of mind at the time. I guess it all just boils down to whatever is meant to be will be. Nobody knows what the future holds.....maybe these guys will turn around in a few months and want to revisit the relationship idea with us, or maybe they won't. This is what I keep telling myself....I find that it helps me let go. I am really trying to think positive...if he does end up at some point wanting a relationship with me, then that's great...but if not, I am sure there will be someone who will. Until then, I can chalk this up to another life experience....I went on a few great dates, and had an awesome time with a great guy! I would definitely be curious people's opinions on the "I'm not ready for a serious relationship" issue though.....

Thanks for the replies everybody! I plan on calling him tonight or tomorrow. Is it a good thing to suggest going out again at this time, or wait for him to ask me out??

Hi everyone...Just looking for some opinions. I met a guy in May at a bar (not the best place...I know). He got my number and I totally never expected him to call. He did though and asked me out. We set a date for a Saturday night, but unfortunately, I had to cancel because I had an allergic reaction to something I had eaten the day before. For 2 weeks after that, he called me every second or third day to try to set up another date, but I was really busy and couldn't ever make plans with him. He was getting kind of frustrated with this. Finally we went out and we had an awesome time! I called him the day after to tell him that I had alot of fun and that we should go out again. He told me that I could make a move and ask him to go out too. So I did, but he cancelled plans on the night that we were supposed to go out because he had stayed at work late. He called me the following week to set up another date. We went out again and had an amazing time again! He called for a third date and again, my impression was that we had a good time. I feel that I may have come on too strong. When I like someone, I want to be around them, so I may have been speaking a little too future oriented...making potential future date suggestions. He mentioned something weird during the date - that he is not a phone person and that he goes long periods of time without talking to people but that doesn't mean that he doesn't care. I took it with a grain of salt, but 2 weeks passed since that date, and he has not called me! I don't know what happened. I caved and called him up on Tuesday night but I got his voicemail so I left him a friendly "wanted to see how you're doing" message. He called me back 2 days later and left a message on my voicemail. I haven't called him back yet and that was 2 days ago. Does the fact that he didn't call me for 2 weeks clearly show that he is not interested or could there be something else going on here? Anybody have any suggestions on what I should do? I know its not a really big deal as we have only been out 3 times, but we seemed to get along so well and I wanted to get to know him better. Thanks!

Hey Newts, Do you think you could PM me too with an explanation like that which Nix asked for? I am in the same situation as she is, and I would like a little bit of insight into what goes on the in a dumper's mind when they go from one relationship straight into another. Also, could you tell me how long it took the novelty of your rebound relationship to wear off? As far as I know, my ex is still with the rebound girl. It has been almost a year for them....isn't that past the point of being a rebound now? Thanks!

Thanks again everyone for your great responses. I feel better (sorry!) knowing that I am not the only one going through this. Thanks Mentor - I know that 2 years is a long time and I don't doubt that there was love there...I just don't get how someone can put aside the feelings they had for you and be happily with someone else. If that were me, thoughts of my ex would haunt me the whole time I was with the new person and I would feel horrible. But I guess that's just me. Enn - I have been trying to shut it off, but its so hard. He went about things really badly after the break and was almost cruel. He didn't even call on my birthday and then claimed that he forgot. Its just the combination of so many things...and now with the holiday season coming up, I am getting super-sad....I feel like he should be with me - not with her. Thanks for your advice though....I too have tried avoiding knowing about him and what he is doing. Amanda22 - you hit the nail on the head. I feel like what I feel for my ex, he never felt at all and that sucks. My ex said the same thing that your said to you...she is different and their relationship is diifferent than ours was. All I can think of is that she must be pretty great for him to walk away so easily from 2 years. How long has your ex been with someone new? Did you break up with him or him with you?? Thanks again!

Thanks for the kind words everyone! I know I shouldn't really internalize what he is doing...but it is so hard. I have been out with guys since the break, and with each one I am like "nope...not gonna go anywhere." In my mind, it is gonna take someone absolutley AMAZING to measure up to the way he was. The only conclusions I have is that maybe I didn't set the bar so high for him or that maybe she IS absolutely amazing (which scares me and makes me kind of sad). I just don't get it. I know he loved me so much....everyone knew it and would comment on it. How can you be happy with someone else when you haven't dealt with your feelings from the previous break up? (or at least I assume he hasn't...)

It has been almost 6 months since my ex of 2 years left me. He got with someone almost immediately after the break up. I thought he was just using her to fill a void....he is still with her though. It is finally hitting me that I am easilt replaceable and its really making me feel bad. It also makes me feel like I had really bad judgment....I thought he was really in love with me and that we had a really great connection....I guess not. Sorry...just wanted to vent.

Lelou and Sunshine - I read both your stories. I am in the same boat. My ex broke up with me 4 months ago for the same reasons that your exes did. I had alot of problems during the last year of our relationship and although he was always my rock, I pushed him away and took his love for granted. He got with someone else a few weeks after our break up and at first claimed she was nothing more than someone he hung out with, but during our last conversation admitted that she was his girlfriend. In my situation, he does not want to remain friends. He thinks that we need to truly get over each other and that it is too hard to be friends. He says that I need to move on and experience what else is out there (I am guessing he means in terms of other guys). I don't want to though....I know that I want nothing more than to be with him and give him the love and support I should have during our relationship. My ex claims that he is not angry (which I don't know if I believe) and that he loves me to death but is not in love with me. During our last conversation, he kept saying that he didn't know what the future held....that if it is meant to be it'll be. He said he even tells his new girlfriend about me and how much he loved me and that he doesn't know what the future holds. I am trying my best to live my life for me right now and to do a lot of soul searching. I feel like I have grown so much as a result of this...I just wish I had contact with him so that he could see the positive changes I am making and how strong my love for him is. I am trying to respect his wishes and not contact him....I am just so sad when I think that he will forget about me and move on with his new girlfriend. On the other hand though, I realize where I went wrong and that I treated him terribly, so I just want him to be happy. I guess I just wanted to let you knwo that I am in the same boat and that if you need someone to talk to, you can count on me. Also, shocked and dismayed, I have read your advice in a number of posts, and I always think it is amazing. Do you have any advice for me in this situation? Thanks

Hi Wanger - Thanks for your helpful advice and insight. You are so right. I have no choice but to go the NC route....He has said that we cannot be friends for a long time because we both need to get over each other completely. That's a nice thought....I'm not sure that his new relationship is a rebound though. He told me that he waited a bit (about 2 months) and just hung out with her at first before he was sure that he wanted to pursue that kind of relationship with her. Of course, I do know that a little over a month after our breakup, they were already sleeping together. So who knows whether his decision was as well-thought out as he made it seem. I read your situation. I hope things go well when you meet with your ex and I wish you all the best Popo - It seems like we can sympathize with each other. How long it take in total before your ex wanted to get back with you? Makeshiftdoll- I hope you are right that alot of his words came out of anger towards me and that time will allow that anger to go away and he will be able to realize his true feelings for me. I try to be optimistic....its hard though given that he told me is happier now and that he made the right choice. He also told me that alone we are both good people, but that we bring out the worst in each other (ouch!) I was shocked when he said that....why stay with someone 2 years is that is the case??? Your situation definitely sounds like he is too afraid to be with his ideal girl. You seem to be handling things well....I wish I was able to be as tough as you! My curiosity gets the best of me, and I have been unable to not ask him about his girlfriend. I really hope things work out for you. I think he's crazy if he gives up pursuing something with you because it sounds like you are a really nice person with a good head on her shoulders

Hi Makeshiftdoll - Once again, thanks! I hope you are right. I am not so sure though because we basically have only spoken 3 times since the break up, which happened at the end of June. I have tried to send him a few e-mails and he never responds, and he also claims that he forgot my birthday in September. He is basically doing everything to show me that he does nto want anything to do with me. Even though his words may sound indecisive....his actions show that he has moved on and actions speak louder than words.' It appears to me that he has had time to deal with his feelings for me and that he has really moved on. How that can happen so quickly after a 2 year relationship is beyond me....but I guess stranger things happened. I don't know if this girl is just a rebound....he waited about 2 and a half months before officially calling her his girlfriend....before that they were just hanging out and fooling around. I appreciate your comment that I seem to be very caring, but I was a pretty bad person in our relationship. I was going through some tough times and I acted very immaturely and rudely towards him. I never cheated on him, but I took his love and generosity for granted. I thought he was so in love with me that he would never leave me, so I treated him awfully because I thought I could. There is no excuse for this, and I have learned my lesson and will never ever take people for granted again. That is why, if he decides not to ever be with me again, I cannot totally blame him. I just hope he sees past all that and realizes that underneath it all, we loved each other so much and had such an amazing connection. Your break up was pretty recent. When your ex contacts you, does he seem interested in starting a realtionship again at all?

Thanks so much for your comforting and kind words makeshiftdoll and qt. I know the only thing for me to do right now is to leave him alone and make him figure this out on his own....I am just scared that this girl is influencing him and is better than me or that he thinks she is better for him than me. He kept telling me to move on and let him go and that he made the right choice becasue he is happier now and hasn't argued in a long time. Is this the truth or is he trying to justify the break up to himself and me? I am so confused and I don't know if he will ever be interested in pursuing things with me again...its been so long already. Makeshiftdoll...I am curious about the details of your own situation and how long after NC it took for your ex to start contacting you again? Thanks again!

Hi Everyone, I haven't posted in a while. I recently called my ex (we broke up about 3 months ago) because I was feeling really sick and just wanted some comfort. He was basically annoyed by this at first and the rest of our conversation was centred on him telling me that I need to move on and let go of him. He also told me that he does not want to feel bad or guilty (even though I have never made him feel bad) for leaving me anymore and shouldn't because he made the right decision. He said he is happy right now with his new girlfriend and that he has dealt with his feelings for me (I don't see how....he got together with her a week after we broke up!) and realizes that we cannot work because we have too many personality differences. At first he said he knows he never wants to be with me again...and then he changed that to I don't know what is gonna happen in the future...not even between me and the new girl. He then told me that I just have to let go sometimes and realize that if I let something go and it comes back, it was meant to be. He also said that he cannot be friends with me for a long time because he needs to completely get over me. He said that already he has had conversations about me with his new girlfriend. He told her that he could have married me and that he will always love me. We talked for 2 hours, which I cannot understand because if he wants nothing to do with me, he could have made it a hell of a lot shorter than that. I don't get it. I know I have to move on....he told me so. I am finding it difficult though. Most of all, I cannot understand how he is happy with someone new already. How he was able to just erase me completely from his mind? What are the chances of his new relationship lasting? (I know its awful of me to think this way!)

Hi Stomacstres- Sorry...I guess I was way off.

Stomacstress - Your ex sounds frustrated because she wants another chance with you and you don't want that. I understand how that feels completely. You say she does not respect your decision...how so? You guys have undergone 4 weeks of NC....doesn't that show that she respects your decision somewhat? She gave you some time and space. Do you want this girl back? If you do, then you guys should make some serious efforts to talk and try to work out the little kinks that need to be worked out before pursuing anything again. I understand that you were hurt by her. I don't know if you still are...but she is letting you know that she is open to giving the relationship another go. You know...so many people preach that people don't change. I think they do...only when they realize that there are aspects of themselves that need to be changed and when they are willing to make such changes. I am living proof of this, but my ex will never know because he does not talk to me. Your ex says she has changed. Maybe she has, maybe she hasn't. If you want to get back with her...that is for you to assess. But I do know one thing for sure...if you don't talk to her, you will never get the opportunity to see whether or not she REALLY has changed. That's just my 2 cents....it may be way off....sorry if it is

RayKay - When I read that letter, I almost cried. What you ex wrote is exactly what my ex said to me when we met up a 2 months ago to talk. He kept trying to insist that he and I would not work right now, but kept leaving the possibility of the future open. I was really confused and looking for hidden meanings within that, but its been 2 months since then with no progress, so I have decided to let go. The only difference between mine and your situation is that right after the break up, my ex told me that we could be friends in time but for now it was too hard for him to talk to me. So we haven't talked for about 3 months, with the exception of when we met to chat because I saw him out with his new girlfriend and he felt bad about it so he called me to apologize and to meet with me to try to give me more closure. I have wanted to call him very badly during this time...feeling much like you do. I am scared that he will forget about me but I am also scared to call him because he has asked me to keep distance from him until he is ready to talk to me in a "friend" capacity. I have told him that I really want to make this work and I really hope we get a second chance, so he knows how I feel. He just doesn't feel the same way. My only advice to you is what I am following at the moment, just give him the space and time that he asks for and carry on with your own life. I have been going out alot and meeting alot of different people. I am having alot of fun! Yes...thoughts of my ex and feelings of sadness are still with me, but I am also realizing that although I really WANT to be with him in the end, I will still be fine if we don't get a second chance. It seems as though you are being the way I have been up until very recently....focusing only on him and how he is feeling and obsessing over what is gonna happen next. Throw all that out the window and try really hard to focus on YOURSELF. Make yourself happy.....aren't you tired of overanalyzing everything he says, does, etc. and wondering when he will want to try again? I know I am....that's why I have just decided to let go and see what happens. Its hard, but you should try to do the same Justtwicethen- I am curious as to why you say that RayKay's ex is still madly in love with her. I have had others tell me that about my own situation too...I really can;t see it though seeing as how he got with another girl only a week after we split and because he does not want to be in contact with me right now. You advised RayKay to let him go and be his friend. I want to follow that advice too...but how can I be a friend when we are not even in contact? Thanks