cruuk
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That is the choice I have to make. My ex and I haven't spoken for about a month now, and im trying to decide if there is any chance I might get her back if I become a close friend. Going by the strategies in the Homer Mcdonald book, there may be a chance. Anyone else use those strategies to any success, or am i just wasting my time? A lot of it really does make sense and ive done just about everything wrong up till now so I don't know.
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EXGF has coldfeet! The end of the road.
cruuk replied to shockeddismayed's topic in Getting Back Together
Wow.. what a story. What can I say shocked.. Everyone feels for you. Like most of us, things aren't working out for you at the moment, but the way you have handled things and treated the rest of us on this forum have been a huge inspiration. I truly hope something good happens for you. -
EXGF has coldfeet! The end of the road.
cruuk replied to shockeddismayed's topic in Getting Back Together
Maybe his mouse slipped and he hit his head on the keyboard. -
Well, it proved to be too hard. I can just not hide my feelings and it made her uncomfortable. I said I couldn't do this and told her I could no longer be her friend. She said thats a very sad thing but I need to do whats best for me. So thats where I stand. I guess you guys were right. If you feel that strongly towards someone, being a friend and only a friend just isn't an option. I will not contact her again. If she contacts me I don't even know how I would react. What reason does she have to anyways unless she wants to be with me? It is finally over beyond the shadow of a doubt I guess. It hurts more than it ever did at first because it seems final. Truly a trying day for me.
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Well, thanks for the advice everyone. Im going to try and make any time we spend as good as possible, and see what happens. Yes, its hard as hell, but if anything happens its 100% worth it.
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Ive talked to her about it, and she says if thats what I need, then thats fine. Maybe saying that and actually being faced with me not being around are two different things I don't know. I really miss her, so I want to try and spend at least a couple days with her. For all I know I may not get the chance again. After this who knows. If she moves away, I really have no choice so well see what happens. What I have always told myself is I may be able to be her friend now, but as soon as there is someone else in her life I will excuse myself completely.
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maybe you are right. but i dont think shes going to be in town that long, i may never see her for quite awhile if i dont now. thing is she has never done anything bad to me (except breaking up). shes always been there to cheer me up and support me when im down. Maybe shes tired of that, I dont know. I really dont want to give up.
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well I was hoping and hoping and praying and wishing while I waited at the airport that something good would happen. It didn't She came out, gave me a little hug, but there is nothing there really. On the ride back I gave her a birthday present, and it seemed like she was fighting back tears, so I dont know what thats about. Anyway the next morning I log on and shes on messenger. Says something about "i hope we can hang out as friends". I mean why does she have to go out of her way to say stuff like that? God, I love her more than anything. This is so hard. I have to choose between being around her as a friend. which is good and bad. I love to see her so much, but it hurts like crazy too. And the other choice is stop seeing her all together. which also hurts like crazy. I hate this so much. I was so happy with her and now its all gone, and looks like it will never come back.
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Well, I guess tonight may be a turning point of sorts. Don't know how many of you remember what happened, but my gf broke up with me over the phone a bit better than 2 months ago from another country. Its been tough, it was very sudden, and we went from being the best of friends (talking every day) to talking maybe 4 or 5 times the last 2 months. Soooo. She gets in tonight, and I am going to pick her up (dont know if thats a good idea). Im hoping something positive happens but the way shes been acting towards me the last while tells me not to expect anything. If nothing else I want to see it in her eyes that she no longer feels anything for me. Hopefully it will give me a little closure if nothing else. 3 years is a little long for a telephone breakup if you ask me. Anyways, thought I would spew for a bit as im nervous as hell. Ill let everyone know what happens.
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she's confused, how do i fix things
cruuk replied to mylifeisasoapoprea's topic in Getting Back Together
There is no quick fix. It took her a long time to start feeling bad about things right? Its going to take just as long or longer for her to feel good about things again... if ever. So the best thing to do is completely enjoy any time you spend together and act as if everything is fine. Don't say anything at ALL about the relationship, and she will gradually become more comfortable. -
stop reminding her.. SHE KNOWS HOW YOU FEEL. all those little things you are doing to do that.. even saying you wont talk about it anymore are pushing her further away.. just let your actions speak.. and if that doesnt do it then it was never going to happen anyway.
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from what I have seen telling someone you are going to change is useless. They always have to see it for themselves. Don't say anything more about it to her ever, just try and work on yourself and let her see.
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The more I think about it now im sure that she was just calling me as a friend. I was stupid to think it was anything more than that. I believe the whole reason she was feeling down is because her wonderful summer away from here is drawing to a close. She will resent coming back, and me along with it. I have got to stop seeing things where there are none.
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Looks like it might have all been wishful thinking on my part. I chatted with her on msn today, and she seems totally cold again. Basically like the other conversation never even took place. She still wants to leave on another trip as soon as she gets back, and there is absolutely nothing in her words that says i mean anything to her. there is no way im giving up hope yet, but if it continues i will just have to remove myself.. I can't be the person she goes to because i "care" for her and at the same time be distant. forget it. So back to the waiting to see whats going to happen.. for @#$)(@ sake.
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My friend, I know EXACTLY how you feel. The same thing happened to me a month ago, except all I got was a phonecall from 10,000 miles away. Anyways, RayKay has it right. There is no way you can tell her what you've done to change herself.. she won't believe you or even listen to you. She has to see it for herself. I know you are thinking that if you don't say something she won't know how you feel about the whole situation, but believe me she does, whether she admits it or not. If opportunities to be around her come up, take them. Take them and be the person you know you are.. the one she fell in love with. Under no circumstances bring up anything to do with the relationship, she has to be the one to do that. Its hard as hell but it works. I had no way to contact my ex at all so I've talked to her twice in the last 3 weeks.. very painful to go from best friends to not talking. Anyway she called me yesterday and things seem MUCH better. Hang in there and vent on here whenever you need to.
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Well after a month of this crap, I've got a little bit to be positive about. She called me yesterday, saying she was very down (about nothing specific) and she needed to talk to someone who really cared. That alone made me feel pretty good, but she also made reference to wanting to go "out" with me for dinner and stuff when she gets back (early sept). Another positive thing is I had sent her an email on her birthday earlier this week and she told me it was the only one she got, and it meant more than I know. Its a little soon to be getting crazy about anything here, but at least it feels better right now than it has for a long time. At least I know there is hope now.
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Well just as I was starting to give up hope, a ray of light has hit me. I don't know if it means anything yet but its definitely better than what I have been facing. She called me today after 2 weeks without any form of contact.. Our last conversation wasn't great so I wasn't surprised. Anyway, she said she was feeling down and needed cheering up from someone who actually cared.. that made me feel pretty good by itself. Anyways we talked for a bit, I mentioned I had sent her an email (she doesnt check often) wishing her happy birthday, and she liked that. Even seems like shes looking forward to seeing me when she gets back, although any talk of 'us' seems to be strictly off limits still, and I did not push anything. definitely not out of the woods yet, but this feels a lot better than what I have been feeling, thats for sure.
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well i cant call her even if i wanted too, shes out of the country and doesnt have solid access to a phone. so its entirely up to her to initiate contact. ive read some books and i know how to act, but that doesnt stop my mind from going into overdrive with all this.
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Its been about a month since my gf broke up with me. It will not get any better, if anything each day I feel her absense more and more. We have talked a couple of times but its been about a week and a half since the last time, and I get the impression she really doesn't feel like calling me at all. The whole thing seemed very unemotional for her, so I don't think there is much hope for us getting back together, but I can't stop thinking about it. If its too much trouble to call me for 5 minutes to see how things are is there even any point to hoping things will get better? I believe she has basically put me out of her life just like that after 3 years. I just feel hollow, nothing I do makes it better, nothing I do gets my mind off of it. I want her back very badly.
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Lonely Days that Pop Up All Of A Sudden
cruuk replied to skynet74's topic in Healing After Break Up or Divorce
Tell me about it. I woke up this morning listening to a song on the radio that she loved... what a crappy way to start the day. Same exact thing with me John. Get some hope, positive attiude, and confidence, and the next day (sometimes the next hour) its completely gone. Gradually, im hoping the good times start to grow longer and the bad times shorter. -
She obviously doesn't want to let go, which is a good sign for sure. Must be incredibly frustrating for you not to be able to get a straight answer out of her tho.. Progress is progress, keep us posted.
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I honestly don't know if she will be coming back. Shes already basically planned to go on a 1 or 2 month vacation when she gets back from overseas, and after that the only way shes coming back here is if she finds work here. (she doesnt really want to live here by the sounds of it) Shes just so strange. I talk to her about things going on and she just doesnt seem interested. I try and show interest in her life but she doesnt seem to want to tell me much. The woman ive spend my life with during the last 3 years has just changed.. I don't know her anymore.
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I've talked to her a few times the last few days and it seems shes 100% not even thinking about me as anything but a friend. It hurts so bad. I cant resist asking her if theres any chance for us in the future.. of course thats a bad thing to do. I also find myself automatically calling her pet names still.. without even thinking. All of this obviously makes her uncomfortable. I just cant see how such a long time together can mean so little to her. I also know that if I dont stop doing these things she just wont call me anymore period. IS THERE ANY CHANCE AT ALL FOR ME? God I just cant stop thinking about her. Do people who make this drastic of a change in their lives (shes acting totally different, very carefree about everything now) ever come back to the place they were? For the sake of my sanity I have to believe were meant to be together but there is absolutely no evidence of this in her voice and attitude.. I want her in my life but I know it will half kill me if she starts talking about other guys, etc. I honestly believe shes my soulmate, how can that be so one sided?
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definitely go to dinner, but don't change your stance. Try and find out more of how she feels but always be firm that you cannot be stuck in between together and apart. No matter what you've had amazing success with the whole thing, and I wish you luck.
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Thank you for the advice. It is hard to talk to her, but at the same time it helps me. I know she wants nothing to do with us right now so I have to focus on keeping conversations away from that and not thinking about it myself. And I do have hope for our future, but at the same time I fully acknowledge that any relationship we may have will in essense be a completely new one, and it has to be treated as such. I also have to realize that there may never be anything more between us but friendship and that is truly hard. This forum has been a godsent really, I only wish things would work out for more of us, as it seems there are a lot of really decent people on here.